4 Ways Not To Be Owned By Your Sh*t | Susan David
Susan David, Ph.D., a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, introduces emotional agility as a way to navigate difficult emotions, seeing them as data, not directives. She outlines four skills: showing up, stepping out, walking your why, and moving on, emphasizing "tiny tweaks" and emotional granularity for authentic well-being.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Emotional Agility
Defining Emotional Agility
The Importance of Self-Awareness for Others
Societal Narratives Around Emotions
Susan David's Personal Journey to Emotional Agility
Emotions as Data, Not Directives
Skill 1: Showing Up to Difficult Emotions
Skill 2: Stepping Out from Emotional Fusion
The Power of Emotion Granularity
Skill 3: Walking Your Why (Connecting with Values)
Discerning Personal Values
Skill 4: Moving On with Values and Tiny Tweaks
Understanding 'Realness' and Courage
9 Key Concepts
Emotional Agility
Being healthy with ourselves, which involves seeing our difficult experiences (thoughts, emotions, and stories) compassionately. It allows us to take values-connected steps and be the people we want to be, even amidst challenges.
Sawobona
A Zulu greeting meaning 'I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.' It highlights the fundamental importance of truly seeing oneself and others, as internal pain often manifests in external interactions if not acknowledged.
Forced Positivity/Good Vibes Only
A societal narrative that suggests only 'positive' emotions are acceptable, leading people to suppress or 'paper over' discomfort. This approach hinders the development of skills needed to effectively navigate difficult emotions and can prevent authentic connection.
Emotions as Data, Not Directives
The understanding that emotions provide valuable information about what we care about (e.g., rage might signpost a value for equity, grief for love). However, they are not commands that define us or dictate our actions, allowing us to choose how we respond.
Dropping the Rope
A metaphor for ending the internal struggle with difficult emotions by accepting their presence rather than resisting or trying to force them away. This acceptance is not passive resignation but a courageous acknowledgment of what is.
Emotional Fusion
A state where an individual becomes completely identified with a difficult emotion or story (e.g., saying 'I am sad' instead of 'I'm noticing I'm feeling sad'). This fusion leaves no space for wisdom, intention, or other aspects of the self to guide action.
Emotion Granularity
The ability to accurately and specifically label emotions beyond broad umbrella terms like 'stressed' or 'angry.' This precision helps in discerning the precise cause of an emotion and activating the brain's readiness potential to take appropriate next steps.
Emotion Contagion
The phenomenon where individuals subtly pick up emotions and behaviors from others in their social network, even without conscious awareness. This can influence choices and actions, making it important to connect with one's own values.
Tiny Tweaks
Small, consistent actions that align with one's values, rather than dramatic changes. These incremental shifts, like adjusting a sail by two degrees, can lead to significant and meaningful transformations in one's life over time.
7 Questions Answered
Emotional agility is about being healthy with ourselves, seeing our difficult experiences (thoughts, emotions, stories) compassionately, and still taking values-connected steps to live the life we want.
This narrative implies that some emotions are 'bad' and creates a culture where pain is not given space, leading to 'papering over discomfort' and preventing the development of skills to navigate difficult emotions effectively.
Emotions are data, not directives; they signpost the things we care about and provide insights into our values and needs, but they do not define us or dictate our actions.
By 'stepping out' of emotional fusion, which involves noticing thoughts, emotions, and stories for what they are (e.g., 'I'm noticing I'm feeling sad' instead of 'I am sad') and creating space between ourselves and the emotion.
Emotional granularity is the ability to accurately and specifically label emotions (e.g., distinguishing between stress, disappointment, and exhaustion); it helps us understand the cause of an emotion and what action to take, leading to higher wellbeing and self-regulation.
One can discern values by asking 'What did I do today that was worthwhile?', 'If this was my last day, what would I want it to be?', or by examining what a difficult emotion is signposting (e.g., guilt about parenting might signpost a value for presence and connection).
Values are qualities of action that create 'choice points' in daily life (e.g., choosing to connect with a loved one instead of shutting down); moving towards values often involves 'tiny tweaks' or small, consistent actions rather than dramatic changes.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Discomfort as Admission
Recognize that discomfort is a normal and necessary part of being alive and pursuing a meaningful life, rather than something to be avoided or suppressed.
2. Practice Emotional Agility
Approach your difficult thoughts, emotions, and stories with curiosity, compassion, and courage, allowing you to take values-connected steps in your life.
3. Emotions Are Data, Not Directives
View your emotions as valuable data that signpost what you care about, but understand they do not define or direct your actions; you own your emotions, they don’t own you.
4. Show Up to Difficult Emotions
Accept difficult emotions in yourself and others by ‘dropping the rope’ of internal struggle, recognizing that acceptance is an active choice to be with what is, not passive resignation.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Be compassionate with yourself during difficult experiences, recognizing that ‘it’s hard to human’ in a constantly changing world.
6. Step Out from Emotional Fusion
Create space between yourself and your emotions by noticing them as ’thoughts, emotions, and stories’ (e.g., ‘I’m noticing that I’m feeling sad’) rather than identifying with them (e.g., ‘I am sad’).
7. Practice Emotional Granularity
Instead of using broad terms like ‘stressed’ or ‘angry,’ ask yourself for two other specific emotion words to describe what you’re feeling, which helps discern the precise cause and proper next steps.
8. Walk Your Why (Values)
In the space created by stepping out from emotions, connect with your core values and intentions to guide your actions and choices, rather than being swayed by social contagion or fleeting emotions.
9. Perform a Values Affirmation
Spend 10 minutes writing about your core values and purpose (e.g., how you want to parent, lead, or shape your community) to bring them front and center and protect against social contagion.
10. Reflect on Worthwhile Actions
Ask yourself daily, ‘What did I do today that was worthwhile?’ to discern your values, recognizing that worthwhile actions often involve discomfort, not just happiness or fun.
11. Imagine Your Last Day
Reflect on what you would want your last day to be like to uncover your deepest values and priorities.
12. Uncover Emotion’s Value Signal
When experiencing a difficult emotion, ask what that emotion signals about your underlying values and needs, using it as data to understand yourself better.
13. Move On with Values in Action
Actively move towards your values by viewing them as ‘qualities of action’ that guide your daily choices, rather than abstract concepts.
14. Identify Daily Choice Points
Recognize the hundreds of daily ‘choice points’ where you can consciously choose to move towards or away from your values (e.g., using your phone at dinner, connecting with a loved one, having a difficult conversation).
15. Implement Tiny Tweaks
Focus on making small, consistent changes (’tiny tweaks’) that align with your values, as these incremental shifts accumulate to create significant, positive differences over time.
16. Connect with Loved Ones Daily
Make a small, consistent effort to connect with loved ones, such as genuinely asking about their day and offering physical affection, to strengthen relationships over time.
17. Courage is Fear Walking
Understand that courage is not the absence of fear or false positivity, but rather the act of moving forward and taking action despite feeling fearful.
18. Practice ‘Sawobona’ (See Others)
See others and yourself with acceptance and love, recognizing that internal pain often manifests externally if not addressed.
19. Engage in Self-Conversations
Have curious, compassionate, and courageous conversations with yourself to better equip you for conversations with others and navigate the world effectively.
20. Don’t Paper Over Discomfort
Avoid dismissing or minimizing discomfort in yourself or others (especially children) to allow for the development of skills in seeing and navigating difficult emotions effectively.
21. Help Others See in the Dark
When someone is struggling, hold space for their pain, ask questions, and be present with them instead of pushing for immediate solutions or false positivity.
22. Discern Others’ Underlying Values
When a team member expresses a ’negative’ emotion like worry, try to discern the underlying value they are holding (e.g., caring about the client or outcome) instead of dismissing them.
23. Utilize Emotional Agility Resources
Explore Susan David’s TED Talk (‘The gift and power of emotional courage’), her book ‘Emotional Agility,’ and the free online quiz on her website to further understand emotional agility and identify your personal values.
6 Key Quotes
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
Susan David
How we deal with our inner world drives everything.
Susan David
The most important conversations we will ever have are the ones we have with ourselves.
Susan David
You don't need to just push that person towards the light. What you can help them to do is to see better in the dark.
Susan David
Our emotions are data, but our emotions on directives.
Susan David
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is fear walking.
Susan David
1 Protocols
Values Affirmation Exercise
Susan David- Take out a piece of paper.
- For 10 minutes, write about who you want to be, your values, and your purpose (e.g., how you want to parent, lead, or shape your community).