A Buddhist Recipe For Confidence | Ethan Nichtern
Ethan Nichtern, Buddhist teacher and author, discusses authentic confidence as resilience, not cockiness, exploring the Buddhist 'Eight Worldly Winds' and offering practices to 'hold your seat' amidst life's challenges, including a Wind Horse meditation.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Confidence and Buddhist Perspective
Understanding the 'No-Self' Concept in Buddhism
Personal Struggles with Confidence and Gender Differences
Authentic vs. Performative Confidence
Confidence as a Practice, Not an Endpoint
The Meaning of 'Holding Your Seat'
Introduction to the Eight Worldly Winds
The Wind of Pleasure and Pain
The Wind of Praise and Blame
The Wind of Influence and Insignificance
The Wind of Success and Failure
The Four Powers of Confidence: Wind Horse Meditation
8 Key Concepts
No-Self (Buddhist Perspective)
From a Buddhist standpoint, the 'no-self' assertion questions the self's permanence, singularity, and the need to be seen as subjectively more important than other selves. It challenges the false belief that we are solid and separate, while acknowledging our functional existence in the world.
Functional vs. Representational Self
The functional self refers to how we operate in daily life, engaging in conversations and living our lives. The representational self is the aspect Buddhism calls into question, referring to the belief in a permanent, singular, and inherently important self that is separate from the rest of the universe.
Holding Your Seat
This metaphor, derived from meditative posture, signifies both arriving and claiming one's spot in the world with an inherent act of confidence. It also describes the ability to stay present and work with difficult experiences, such as an itchy nose, scattered mind, or difficult emotions, without being knocked off balance.
Eight Worldly Winds (Vicissitudes)
These are four pairs of universal human experiences—pleasure and pain, praise and blame, influence and insignificance (fame and disrepute), and success and failure—that happen to every human. They represent the forces that can inflate or deflate our sense of self, like 'tube people' blowing in the wind.
Upekha (Equanimity)
Often translated as equanimity, Upekha in this context refers to a kind of resilience that allows one to show up on a windy day and work with being affected by life's forces, rather than being unaffected by them. It's about doing the hard thing and showing up to being a person, even when things are not going perfectly.
Negativity Bias
This describes the brain's tendency to disproportionately focus on criticism or negative feedback, often overlooking numerous positive comments. When receiving feedback, the brain may immediately gravitate towards the one criticism, making us more afraid of being critiqued or blamed.
Sympathetic Joy (Mudita)
A Buddhist practice for working with envy or jealousy, Mudita involves flipping the frame when someone else succeeds. Instead of feeling less-than, one wishes them joy and uses their success as inspiration to identify and pursue one's own longings, such as wanting to write more poetry.
Wind Horse
A set of pithy meditation techniques from Tibetan Tantric Buddhism, often used as preparation for difficult situations. It involves acknowledging emotional energy, focusing quickly, softening towards what's happening, and rousing awareness to meet the moment with an open heart and expanded awareness.
8 Questions Answered
From a Buddhist perspective, confidence is not cockiness but a deeper resilience, a kind of 'holding your seat' in the face of whatever comes up, rather than a fixed state of being.
Buddhism questions the permanence and singularity of the self, not its functional existence. Self-confidence in this context means trusting our own experience and ability to show up to what our mind and the world throws at us.
'Holding your seat' involves both arriving and claiming one's spot in the world with an inherent act of confidence, and the ability to stay present and work with difficult experiences, whether pleasant or uncomfortable, without being knocked off balance.
The Eight Worldly Winds are four pairs of universal human experiences—pleasure and pain, praise and blame, influence and insignificance (fame and disrepute), and success and failure—that act as forces that can inflate or deflate our sense of self.
Meditation practice doesn't necessarily make us experience pain less; it can even increase activity in pain receptors, allowing us to feel pain more completely. However, it decreases rumination and bracing, leading to less suffering and quicker recovery.
It's important to 'prepare for the ouch' when expecting feedback, recognizing that criticism is inevitable. Knowing who to ask for feedback and when, practicing self-compassion, and having people who validate us are also key strategies.
Contemplating aloneness and the inevitability of being forgotten can help. The goal is to make a positive difference, using any influence one has, as if one were already free from the need for recognition.
The practice of sympathetic joy (mudita) involves wishing others well in their success and using their achievements as inspiration to identify and pursue one's own longings, rather than comparing oneself negatively.
45 Actionable Insights
1. Confidence Is a Practice
Approach confidence not as a destination to be reached or a trait to possess, but as an ongoing practice that you continuously engage in.
2. Embrace a Path, Not Just Solutions
Understand that personal growth and dealing with life’s complexities are less about finding definitive solutions and more about committing to an ongoing path or practice.
3. Acknowledge the Problem
The initial step in addressing any issue, such as a lack of confidence, is to acknowledge the underlying dissatisfaction, confusion, or struggle, including insecurity.
4. Practice “Holding Your Seat”
Practice “holding your seat” by staying present and grounded when faced with difficult experiences, whether pleasant or uncomfortable, without being knocked off balance.
5. Confidence as Resilience
Understand confidence as a deep resilience that allows you to maintain composure and stability in the face of any life event, rather than as cockiness or a comparative measure against others.
6. Feel Pain Completely
Allow yourself to fully experience pain without adding voluntary suffering or resistance, which paradoxically can lead to less overall suffering and a quicker recovery.
7. Experience Pleasure Fully
By cultivating mindfulness, you can also experience pleasure more completely and appreciate it more deeply, rather than just scrolling past it metaphorically.
8. Don’t Let Perfect Hinder Good
Avoid the trap of imposter syndrome by not allowing the pursuit of perfect, egoless action to prevent you from doing good or taking beneficial steps.
9. Use Ego for Benevolence
Channel your ego’s energy and desires in service of a greater good (bodhicitta), allowing it to be a force for positive impact rather than a self-serving drive.
10. Avoid Unnecessary Comparison
Resist the urge to constantly compare your successes and failures to those of others, especially in areas like relationships or personal growth where competition is often unhelpful and exacerbates feelings of inadequacy.
11. Practice Sympathetic Joy (Mudita)
Actively practice sympathetic joy (mudita) as a method to work with envy and jealousy, consciously flipping the frame when someone else experiences success.
12. Turn Jealousy into Inspiration
Transform feelings of jealousy or envy by reframing the successful person not as a source of exasperation, but as a source of inspiration to improve yourself.
13. Contemplate Aloneness and Lasting Impact
Regularly contemplate the experience of aloneness and the inevitability of being forgotten, using this reflection to clarify what kind of positive influence you want to have, independent of recognition.
14. Use Influence Without Needing Recognition
Strive to use any influence or platform you possess in a way that is detached from the need for personal recognition, focusing instead on the inherent value of your actions.
15. Cultivate Multiple Forms of Support
Build resilience by cultivating good external supports like friends, developing a strong self-compassion practice, resting in awareness, and connecting with the sense of lineage or ancestors who “have your back.”
16. Practice Right Speech
When speaking, ensure your words are true, useful, and delivered at the appropriate time, and also kindly, acknowledging the other person’s effort and humanity.
17. Give Feedback When Receivable
Before offering any feedback, praise, or criticism, consider whether the recipient is in a state or context where they can genuinely receive and process it.
18. Prepare for the “Ouch”
When anticipating feedback or criticism, mentally prepare for the possibility of discomfort or “ouch,” understanding that some part of it is likely to sting, and this expectation helps manage the impact.
19. Seek Validating Relationships
Actively cultivate relationships with people who provide validation and support, as this is crucial for balancing the negativity bias and being able to process criticism constructively.
20. Settle into Uncomfortable Experiences
When facing intense or uncomfortable situations, settle in by finding points of relative safety and tuning into the present sensory experience to shift your perception and manage panic.
21. Use Wind Horse Meditation
Practice Wind Horse meditation, a brief Tibetan Buddhist technique, as preparation before engaging in difficult tasks or showing up in challenging situations to rouse confidence and inner resources.
22. Wind Horse Meditation Steps
To perform the Wind Horse meditation, first bring your attention fully to the heart center, then soften that focus and feel your heart, and finally, expand your awareness in all directions from the heart.
23. Integrate Wind Horse Daily
Incorporate Wind Horse meditation into your daily routine, either at the end of a longer morning session or before specific challenging events like difficult meetings, especially when feeling deflated.
24. Practice “Taking Your Seat”
In meditation or daily life, consciously “take your seat” by arranging your posture to be comfortable and grounded, embodying an energetic quality of arriving and claiming your rightful spot on earth with confidence.
25. Ground Yourself
To ground yourself, especially after intense mental activity, consciously bring your energy down from your head and ears to connect with your physical body and your spot on the earth.
26. Openly Share Your Struggles
Counter the era of performative confidence by openly discussing your struggles, committing to work with your heart and mind, and showing up to face challenges honestly.
27. Integrate Diverse Perspectives
To deeply understand a topic, combine insights from various sources such as ancient teachings, personal experience, and modern psychological movements.
28. Acknowledge Multiple Perspectives
When discussing complex topics, recognize that there are often different valid answers or interpretations depending on the angle from which they are viewed, reflecting a deeper understanding.
29. Be Selective with Feedback Sources
When seeking feedback, carefully consider who you are asking and their specific expertise or perspective, especially depending on the stage of your project or idea.
30. Praise Effort
When giving feedback, prioritize praising people’s efforts and attempts, as this fosters encouragement and resilience more effectively than solely focusing on perfect outcomes.
31. Mindful Use of Praise and Blame
Recognize the significant impact your praise and criticism have on others, and consciously consider how and when you choose to speak.
32. Offer Feedback When Asked
Resist the urge to offer unsolicited opinions or feedback, and instead, wait until people specifically ask for your thoughts, recognizing the importance of timing and consent.
33. Feedback When Directly Impacted
It is appropriate to provide feedback to others when their behavior or actions directly impact you or are genuinely your concern.
34. Establish Trust for Online Dialogue
When engaging in dialogue on social media, prioritize establishing trust by communicating understanding and care for the other person, even when expressing disagreement.
35. Be Present with Social Media
Instead of mindlessly scrolling, consciously engage with and appreciate the creative, brilliant, and meaningful content on social media to develop a wider range of appreciation.
36. Acknowledge Your Effort
When putting yourself out there, cultivate a sense of self-acknowledgment for having done your practice and shown up to the effort, regardless of the outcome.
37. Identify Your Own Longings
When you find yourself comparing your situation to someone else’s success, use that moment as an opportunity to tune in and identify what specific longings or desires it reveals within yourself.
38. Appreciate Success for Inspiration
Beyond competitive arenas, consciously appreciate the successes of others and reflect on what they are doing well, allowing their achievements to inspire your own growth and efforts.
39. Write About Personal Struggles
When choosing writing topics, focus on subjects you have personally worked with and struggled with, as this approach allows for deeper exploration and connection.
40. Use Caveats for Expertise
When sharing knowledge, use caveats to clarify the limits of your expertise and protect both yourself and the listener from potential misunderstandings or mistakes.
41. Trust Your Ability to Show Up
Cultivate confidence by trusting your own experience and your ability to face and respond to whatever challenges your mind or the world presents.
42. Connect Humility and Confidence
Recognize that genuine humility (acknowledging what you don’t know) and true confidence (firmly trusting what you do know) are complementary aspects of self-awareness.
43. Assert Your Presence
If you are not offered a place, assert your right to be there by showing up and claiming your spot, embodying the belief that you belong and can participate.
44. Mindfulness for Pleasure and Pain
Engage in mindfulness of the body to cultivate a practice of becoming less reactive to both pleasant and painful sensations, fostering greater equanimity.
45. Speak Kindly and Acknowledge Humanity
When communicating, always strive to speak kindly, ensuring your words acknowledge the other person’s effort and humanity, even if you are delivering difficult truths.
5 Key Quotes
Confidence for me, it's not an endpoint, it's a practice.
Ethan Nichtern
Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man.
Dan Harris (recounting a joke)
It doesn't actually make us experience pain less. No, I mean, one of the cliches is that hurts more, but you suffer less.
Dan Harris
The brain is lethal on this front. Like somebody can have bullet pointed like nine positive things about the thing they read and there can just be one criticism in there. And before I even know what's happening, it feels like my brain goes straight to the criticism.
Ethan Nichtern
Don't ever tell anyone anything unless they have a place to put it.
Great-uncle Irv (recounted by Ethan Nichtern)
1 Protocols
Wind Horse Meditation (Three-Step Version)
Ethan Nichtern- Take your seat: Bring attention down to the earth, connecting to your physical spot, shifting energy from your head to your body.
- Gather at the heart: Quickly and fully bring your attention to your heart center, like a tea light candle lighting up, then soften that focus and feel what's in your heart.
- Open out/Radiate out: Staying in the heart center, expand your awareness in all directions, looking straight ahead with a raised gaze to be present in the space, without pushing, for 10 to 15 seconds.