A Buddhist Secret for Calm, Energy, and Handling Obnoxious People | Trudy Goodman
Guest Trudy Goodman, Ph.D., founding teacher of InsightLA, discusses learning to trust yourself as a trainable skill for increased calm, equanimity, and energy. She covers self-love, staying steady in uncertain times, intuition, and differentiating opinions from values.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Why Trusting Yourself is a Trainable Skill
Trudy Goodman's Personal Journey with Self-Trust
The Buddhist Perspective on Self and Trust
Enlightenment, Awakening, and Present Moment Awareness
The Role of Tenderness and Compassion in Self-Trust
Understanding Self-Love vs. Selfishness in Buddhism
Cultivating Joy in Uncertain Times
The Importance of Intuition and Listening to Your Inner Voice
Distinguishing Intuition from Fear and Bias
The Power of Community and Dialogue for Self-Trust
Differentiating Opinions from Values in Polarized Times
Guided Meditation: Breathing in Kindness and Joy
The Connection Between Forgiveness and Self-Trust
Trudy Goodman's Current Proficiency in Self-Trust
7 Key Concepts
Trusting Yourself
A trainable skill that can lead to increased calm, equanimity, energy, and improved ability to deal with difficult people. It involves trusting your perceptions, intuition, and the reality of the present moment, rather than being swayed by external pressures or internal self-doubt.
Alternative Defilements
Beyond the traditional Buddhist 'greed, hate, and delusion,' Trudy Goodman suggests that for many, especially women, 'low self-esteem, anxiety, and self-doubt' act as significant obstacles to well-being and self-trust. These are common human experiences that hinder our ability to live fully.
Awakening (vs. Enlightenment)
Trudy prefers 'awakening' over 'enlightenment' because it implies a continuous process of staying awake and present, rather than a fixed, once-and-for-all state. It emphasizes that our current life, in this moment, contains all the ingredients needed to be fully awake, by loosening the grip of self-referential thinking.
Revolution of Tenderness
A concept from Pope Francis, highlighted by Trudy, that suggests infusing awareness with kindness, compassion, and love. This natural outcome of sustained awareness helps us recognize shared humanity and move beyond self-centered perspectives, fostering connection and empathy.
Self-Love (as Self-Respect)
In a Buddhist context, self-love is understood as self-respect, not narcissism or selfishness. It means taking care of oneself and having healthy boundaries, recognizing that one is worthy of love, and understanding oneself in a relational context rather than being solely self-referential.
Intuition
An inner voice or feeling that provides guidance, often distinct from fearful thoughts. To access it, one needs to be present and listen to the body's signals and subtle impulses, as overriding it can lead to negative consequences.
Equanimity
One of the seven factors of awakening, equanimity involves looking upon the space between the skull and the brain to observe one's experience. It contains wisdom and allows for a witness consciousness, helping one to respond thoughtfully rather than react defensively.
7 Questions Answered
Trudy chose this topic because, as a woman of her generation, learning to trust her perceptions was crucial for professional and personal success in a world that didn't always celebrate her. She also highlights how ignoring intuition, as in a past marriage, led to significant issues.
While Buddhists argue the self is an illusion, Trudy explains that trusting yourself in this context means grounding yourself in the present moment, trusting what you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch, rather than being caught in the 'spinning stories' of the mind or clinging to a fixed, separate self.
Trudy prefers 'awakening' because it suggests a continuous process of staying awake and present, acknowledging that nobody is awake 24/7. 'Enlightenment' can imply a final, once-and-for-all state, which can be confusing and unattainable for most.
Trudy suggests practicing listening to impulses that are not fearful, even if they seem random, to signal to your consciousness that you are listening. Additionally, community helps by providing external perspectives to call out biases that may be invisible to us.
A healthy community helps you trust yourself by providing a space where others can 'call bullshit' on your biases or unhelpful thought patterns. This external feedback, combined with curiosity and a willingness to examine your own mind, helps you see things more clearly and build self-confidence.
It involves having the confidence to be curious about differing opinions, even those you strongly disagree with, to understand what they mean to others. This practice helps differentiate between your opinions (which can be flexible) and your core values (like 'cruelty is uncool'), strengthening your sense of self while fostering dialogue.
Trusting yourself means trusting the importance of feeling your feelings fully, including anger or hurt, before rushing to forgive. Forgiveness should not be used to bypass difficult emotions, but rather to allow them to change naturally, and then consciously decide if and when you are ready to forgive the act or the person.
33 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Trust
Actively work on learning to trust yourself, as this trainable skill can lead to increased calm, equanimity, energy, and an improved ability to deal with difficult people.
2. Practice Basic Mindfulness
Engage in basic mindfulness and present moment awareness to reconnect with your body and intuition, trusting the reality of current sensations and mental activity.
3. Intentionally Direct Attention
Recognize and utilize your overlooked superpower to intentionally direct your attention, especially during challenging times, as this skill is crucial for navigating difficulties.
4. Practice Healthy Self-Love
Cultivate healthy self-love by setting clear boundaries and knowing your limits to avoid overgiving and resentment, recognizing that you are worthy of your own care.
5. Develop Self-Respect
Foster self-respect as a form of self-love, which serves as a protective mechanism against self-harm and supports recovery from challenges like addiction.
6. Cultivate Tenderness with Awareness
Infuse your mindful awareness with tenderness, kindness, and love, as this practice naturally leads to recognizing shared humanity and fostering compassion for others.
7. Deliberately Cultivate Joy
Actively seek and cultivate moments of joy and laughter, even in difficult times, to steady your heart and contribute positively to the world.
8. Actively Listen to Intuition
Cultivate presence and actively listen to your inner impulses and perceptions, even seemingly random ones, to strengthen your intuition and distinguish it from fear.
9. Process Emotions Before Forgiveness
Trust yourself to fully feel and process difficult emotions like anger before attempting to forgive, as these feelings are present for a reason and will change when acknowledged.
10. Engage in Curious Dialogue
Cultivate curiosity and actively listen to understand why others hold different beliefs, as this dialogue is crucial for fostering peace and mutual understanding.
11. Separate Opinions from Values
Differentiate between your transient opinions and your unchanging core values, allowing you to be more open to differing viewpoints while remaining steadfast in your fundamental principles.
12. Leverage Community for Bias
Engage with your community to receive feedback and identify your own unconscious biases, prejudices, or judgments, which helps cultivate greater awareness and wisdom.
13. Cultivate Supportive Community
Build and engage in a healthy community where members can offer honest feedback, as this external perspective can help strengthen your self-trust.
14. Maintain Calm for Others
Strive to maintain personal calmness, as even one calm individual can significantly improve the chances of survival and well-being for everyone in a shared challenging situation.
15. Embrace Shared Humanity
Recognize and embrace the shared humanness and vulnerability of all people, as this perspective helps dissolve barriers and fosters a natural sense of compassion.
16. Trust Sensory Experience
Ground yourself in the present moment by trusting what you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch, as this moment is the most trustworthy and powerful reality.
17. Perceive Life as a Dream
Cultivate equanimity by viewing all experiences, including past and present events, as having a dreamlike quality, recognizing their impermanence and fleeting nature.
18. Embrace Innate Awakening
Trust that your current self and life in this moment contain all the necessary ingredients to be fully awake, making the concept of awakening accessible and immediate.
19. Release Emotional Clinging
Understand that awakening involves not clinging to or identifying with negative emotions, allowing them to pass without becoming entangled in them.
20. Maintain Continuous Awareness
Recognize that awakening is an ongoing process, not a final state, and continuously strive to stay awake and mindful throughout your daily life.
21. Reject Self-Hatred
Be cautious not to misinterpret spiritual teachings as a call for self-annihilation, which can devolve into harmful self-hatred.
22. Recognize Fear as Warning
Acknowledge fear as a potential component of intuition and a valuable warning system that prompts you to be aware of your surroundings and potential dangers.
23. Curiosity Amidst Disagreement
Approach conversations with those you disagree with from a foundation of self-trust, allowing you to remain curious and open without abandoning your own core values.
24. Integrate Heart, Awareness, Science
Combine practices of the heart and awareness with scientific understanding, especially regarding brain research, to gain deeper insights into human behavior and societal dynamics.
25. Relax with Three Breaths
Take three deep breaths, inhaling the aliveness of the moment and exhaling any tension, allowing your body to relax with each out-breath.
26. Acknowledge Difficult Feelings
Gently notice and name any feelings of heaviness, tension, sadness, worry, grief, or anger in your body, making room for them to be present.
27. Breathe with Loving Kindness
Imagine your breath as a loving, faithful companion, breathing in kindness and trust, and then breathing out connection and compassion to yourself and others who are suffering.
28. Recall Joyful Moments
Deliberately call to mind small moments of joy or pleasure, such as a kind smile or the sound of rain, to uplift your spirits and remember that joy is always present.
29. Mindfulness as Remembering
Engage in mindfulness as a practice of ‘remembering’ to counteract feelings of disconnection from yourself and others, which can alleviate separation anxiety.
30. Connect with Nature Daily
Regularly put down your devices and spend a few minutes outside, observing the sky or connecting with the earth, as nature is an ally and helps you reconnect.
31. Cultivate Empathy for Perpetrators
Even when acts are unforgivable, cultivate empathy for the person who committed them by understanding the generational patterns of abuse that may have influenced their actions.
32. Consistent Practice Yields Results
Understand that self-trust and spiritual practices require consistent and dedicated effort, as their benefits are realized only through active engagement and commitment.
33. Begin Practice at Any Stage
Start practicing self-trust and mindfulness at any point in your journey, as the benefits are immediate and continue to unfold throughout the path.
7 Key Quotes
Never say too late.
Yvonne Rand (quoting Suzuki Roshi)
Do you see this? This is great faith.
Venerable Sung San
You should view this fleeting world, a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.
Jack Kornfield (quoting the Diamond Sutra)
What we really need is a revolution of tenderness in the world.
Pope Francis
There is no one on this earth more worthy of your love than you yourself.
The Buddha
Be joyful, though you have considered all the facts.
Wendell Berry
If one person in that boat could stay calm, everybody in that boat had a better chance of survival.
Thich Nhat Hanh
1 Protocols
Free-Range Meditation for Cultivating Kindness and Joy
Trudy Goodman- Take three deep breaths, relaxing the body with each out-breath, enjoying the feeling of being present and relaxed.
- Notice any feelings of heaviness, tension, sadness, or difficulty in your body and gently acknowledge them, making room for them to be there.
- Imagine your breath as your most loving, faithful companion, breathing in its caring and trust, knowing it will always be there for you.
- Breathe out a sense of connection, kindness, and compassion, sending it to everyone who is suffering, including yourself, remembering you are not alone.
- Call to mind a moment of joy or pleasure, no matter how small (e.g., a kind smile, sunrise, sound of raindrops, children playing), and remember that joy and love are always available, even when buried by distress.