A Conversation about Abuse, Agency, and Mindfulness | Tanya Selvaratnam
This episode features writer and artist Tanya Selvaratnam, who shares her harrowing experience of alleged abuse by Eric Schneiderman. She discusses how she regained agency, healed through meditation and therapy, and wrote "Assume Nothing" to help others understand and prevent intimate partner violence.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Tanya Selvaratnam and intimate violence
Context on Eric Schneiderman allegations and resignation
Tanya's initial relationship with Eric Schneiderman
The progression of the abusive relationship and first instance of violence
Classic tactics of abusers: Isolation and coercive control
Misconceptions about who becomes a victim of abuse
Societal conditioning and intimate partner violence statistics
Impact of the pandemic on domestic violence
The turning point: opening up to a friend
Quietly ending the relationship and discovering a pattern of abuse
Tanya's healing journey: therapy, meditation, and writing
How meditation aids trauma recovery
The role of anger in healing and abuser accountability
Understanding the roots of abusive behavior
Importance of male allies in anti-violence efforts
The pandemic as an opportunity for societal change
The power of storytelling and destigmatizing abuse
Resources for victims and allies
4 Key Concepts
Isolation (in abusive relationships)
Abusers cut off victims from family and friends, preventing communication and support, as exemplified by interrupting phone calls or forcing a victim to leave social events.
Coercive Control
A pattern of behavior where an abuser dictates aspects of a victim's life, such as appearance or diet, to exert dominance and infantilize them.
Yo-yo Effect (of abusers)
A tactic where an abuser alternates between pushing the victim away with abuse and pulling them back with adoration and kindness, creating confusion and dependency.
Trauma at a Cellular Level
The scientific understanding that traumatic experiences, even brief ones, can create deep-seated scars and physiological impacts that require specific healing approaches like meditation.
8 Questions Answered
Abusers often use controlling behavior, isolation (cutting off victims from friends and family), manipulation, and gaslighting, creating a 'yo-yo effect' of pushing away and pulling back.
Yes, anyone can become a victim, regardless of their background or perceived strength, as abusers come in all forms and target individuals through manipulation and control.
Approximately one in four women and one in ten men will experience some form of violence in an intimate relationship during their lifetime, with many millions experiencing it before age 18.
The pandemic has amplified the crisis, with an estimated 20% increase in domestic violence incidences and hotline calls, as victims were often locked down with their abusers with fewer opportunities to seek help.
The turning point was when a friend, sensing she was going through a hard time, directly asked her, 'Does he hit you?', prompting Tanya to honestly disclose the physical violence.
Meditation can help 'unseat the trauma that sinks in at a cellular level' by allowing individuals to mine memories, work things out, and non-judgmentally witness their experiences, fostering a long-term perspective that trauma does not define them.
She believes the book will help men understand the impact of violent behavior, bring more allies into anti-violence efforts, and contribute to creating a safer world where men and women are allied in this fight.
Tanya's book provides checklists for spotting, stopping, and preventing intimate partner violence, and lists many organizations (national and specific to different communities like indigenous, Latinx, Black, and trans communities) that offer shelter, counseling, and legal/mental health services.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Be a Lifeline for Loved Ones
Offer support and help to friends or family members in abusive relationships, as many stay due to a lack of support. Your intervention can be a crucial lifeline for them to get out.
2. Ask Direct Questions to Discern Abuse
If you suspect a friend is in an abusive relationship, ask direct questions like ‘Does he hit you?’ Such directness can elicit honest answers and serve as a turning point for the victim.
3. Open Up to Trusted Friends
Share details of abuse with a trusted friend, as they can help you recognize the reality of your situation. A friend’s perspective can be crucial in connecting you with professional help and support.
4. Seek Domestic Violence Experts
Connect with a domestic violence expert to understand your experiences and gain agency over your story and future. This professional guidance is vital for understanding your situation and beginning the healing process.
5. Plan Your Exit Strategy
When breaking up with an abuser, keep the conversation as brief as possible and have a pre-arranged plan with a friend for immediately afterwards. This ensures your safety and provides a legitimate reason to disengage quickly.
6. Prioritize Safety Over Possessions
If you need to retrieve belongings from an abuser’s place, prioritize your personal safety by going with friends and ensuring the abuser is not present. Your material possessions are not as important as your well-being.
7. Utilize Therapy & Meditation
Engage in therapy and practice meditation daily, potentially multiple times a day, to ground and center yourself. These practices are essential for healing from trauma and regaining strength.
8. Cultivate Supportive Friend Network
Surround yourself with friends who uplift you and help you find ways to experience joy. A strong network of friends is crucial for providing love, comfort, and strength during recovery.
9. Use Creative Expression for Trauma
Engage in writing or other creative outlets to excavate and process painful memories, both recent and from childhood. This can be a powerful tool for healing and moving out of darkness.
10. Prioritize Self-Healing Over Anger
When dealing with past harm, focus your energy on your own healing and recovery rather than directing anger towards the perpetrator. Anger does not serve your healing process; self-focus is more productive.
11. Witness Trauma Non-Judgmentally
During meditation or reflection, non-judgmentally witness painful memories, understanding that they are painful but do not define you. This meditative stance helps in healing by creating distance from the trauma and fostering a sense of universality.
12. Find Power Through Voice
Use your voice to share your experiences, connect with your community, and seek allies to move from being a victim to a thriver. These elements provide strength and support for recovery and empowerment.
13. Educate on All Abuse Forms
Learn to identify the various signs and forms of intimate partner violence, including physical, emotional, verbal, legal, and digital abuse. This comprehensive understanding helps you better spot, stop, and prevent abuse for yourself and others.
14. Recognize Abuse Signs Early
Be aware of classic tactics of abusers such as controlling behavior, isolation, manipulation, and gaslighting. Recognizing these signs early can help you avoid or address abusive relationships.
15. Learn from Others’ Experiences
Read accounts of abusive relationships to understand common tactics and patterns. This knowledge can help prevent you or others from getting ‘sucked into’ similar situations.
16. Seek Culturally Specific Support
If you or someone you know needs help, seek out organizations specific to different constituencies like indigenous, Latinx, Black, or Trans communities if a national organization doesn’t feel comfortable. Culturally specific resources can provide more tailored and comfortable support.
17. Share Story to Destigmatize Abuse
Share your experiences of abuse with others to destigmatize being a victim or survivor. Collective storytelling can inspire healing, foster understanding, and help craft solutions.
18. Engage Men as Anti-Violence Allies
Encourage men to read stories of intimate violence to help them understand the impact of violent behavior and become allies in the fight against it. Men’s understanding and alliance are crucial for creating a safer, less violent world.
19. Advocate for Systemic Change
Support and advocate for educational reforms, stronger legislation, and increased governmental resources for organizations providing shelter, counseling, legal, and mental health services to victims and survivors. This helps create a society with better support systems and consequences for abusive behavior.
20. Promote Peace Over Violence
Actively work towards making peace and kindness more appealing and celebrated than violence in society. This helps shift societal conditioning away from violence and towards more compassionate interactions.
21. Advocate Ethical Media Production
Support and consume media, including pornography, that celebrates mutual pleasure and does not glorify violence. This helps challenge patriarchal structures and reduces the normalization of violence against women.
22. Value Everyday Heroes
Shift societal focus from celebrity culture to appreciating and elevating everyday heroes like essential workers and first responders. This fosters a society that values genuine contributions and kindness.
7 Key Quotes
Even fierce women get abused.
Tanya Selvaratnam
What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.
Muriel Rukeyser (quoted by Tanya Selvaratnam)
As stinging as the physical abuse was the verbal abuse and the emotional abuse.
Tanya Selvaratnam
I saw the way you were looking at that.
Eric Schneiderman (quoted by Tanya Selvaratnam)
Does he hit you?
Tanya Selvaratnam's friend (quoted by Tanya Selvaratnam)
Anger does not serve me.
Tanya Selvaratnam
We have to make peace more exciting than violence.
Tanya Selvaratnam