A Holiday Survival Guide for Difficult Conversations | Bill Doherty

1. Seek Accurate Disagreement, Not Conversion

Approach conversations with the primary goal of achieving ‘accurate disagreement,’ meaning both parties understand each other’s views deeply, rather than attempting to convert or change the other person’s mind, especially on core values.

2. Accept Others Without Trying to Change Them

In close relationships, accept people as they are, including their political views, recognizing that it is not your job to change them and that you can find peace in that acceptance.

3. Humanize Opponents Beyond Stereotypes

Actively seek to humanize individuals from opposing viewpoints by understanding them beyond generalized stereotypes, as this process can foster common ground and diminish feelings of hatred or animosity.

4. Approach Challenging Talks with Interest

Transform dread into delight by reframing challenging conversations as valuable opportunities to practice and refine communication skills, which not only improves the interaction but also enhances your overall life experience.

5. Treat Others as Moral and Intellectual Equals

Regardless of profound disagreements, consistently treat others as moral and intellectual equals, as this respect is fundamental for fostering constructive dialogue and preserving relationships.

6. Employ ‘I Statements’ for Personal Conviction

When discussing political views, frame your points using ‘I statements’ (e.g., ‘I believe,’ ‘from my perspective’) instead of absolute ’truth statements,’ to express your convictions without appearing arrogant or provoking defensiveness.

7. Avoid Characterizing Opponents’ Positions

Focus solely on expressing your own convictions and beliefs, and refrain from characterizing the other party’s positions, as doing so almost always leads to misrepresentation and triggers defensiveness.

8. Find Common Ground Before Disagreement

Before presenting a differing viewpoint, actively listen to the other person and identify a genuine point of agreement, as this approach can soften their stance and make them more receptive to what you have to say.

9. Use Pivoting to Gain Consent for Your View

In tense conversations, especially when the other person is passionate, first find a point of agreement, then use ‘pivoting’ by asking for permission to share your own thoughts, signaling your intent and gaining their consent to listen.

10. Relinquish Need to Express Your View

When aiming to understand another person’s deeper story, temporarily set aside your own need to express your viewpoint, adopting an ‘anthropologist’ mindset to fully absorb their perspective.

11. Plan Difficult Conversations Proactively

For recurring difficult conversations, especially with family, plan your approach in advance to avoid reactive responses and create an opportunity to consciously practice new communication skills.

12. Address Stereotypes Directly with Humility

Start difficult group discussions by having each side identify and present the top false, negative stereotypes about themselves, clarifying ‘what’s true instead’ and acknowledging any ‘kernel of truth’ to preempt defensiveness and foster openness.

13. Curate Questions to Foster Curiosity

When preparing for cross-group Q&A, have each side separately formulate questions and then curate them to ensure they are genuine questions of curiosity, not ‘gotcha’ questions, thereby preventing defensiveness and promoting constructive dialogue.

14. Ask Sociological Questions to Initiate Dialogue

To open a conversation on sensitive topics without immediately triggering defensiveness, ask broader, sociological questions (e.g., ‘How are people in your area viewing [topic]?’), allowing the other person to expound without feeling personally challenged.

15. Become Bilingual in Political Language

Cultivate the skill of understanding and speaking both ‘red’ and ‘blue’ political languages, recognizing how specific terms (e.g., ‘diversity,’ ‘self-sufficiency’) can inadvertently alienate or trigger individuals from the opposing viewpoint.

16. Integrate Contemplative Practice for Calmness

Adopt a contemplative practice such as meditation or Qigong to calm your mind, reduce stress, and increase self-awareness, which helps prevent being easily triggered during challenging conversations.

17. Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation

Engage in loving-kindness (Metta) meditation to cultivate well-wishing towards others, recognizing that your feelings about them are shaped by your own mindset rather than their specific behaviors, which can transform your interactions.

18. Practice Emotional Self-Regulation

In high-stakes situations involving conflicting people and agendas, focus on managing yourself through emotional self-regulation and centeredness, drawing on practices like meditation to remain calm internally.

19. Adopt a Daily Qigong Practice

Start a daily Qigong meditation practice, beginning with 20 minutes and potentially increasing to 40 minutes, to reduce stress, achieve deep relaxation, calm and center yourself, and foster emotional self-regulation in challenging situations.

20. Structure Discussions for Calmness

When facilitating difficult conversations, structure the environment and process to minimize reactivity and maximize mutual understanding, as unstructured discussions often lead to interruptions and mischaracterizations.

21. Employ Fishbowl Listening Technique

To foster understanding, use a fishbowl exercise where one group speaks about their views (e.g., ‘why your side’s values are good for the country’ and ‘reservations about your own side’) while the other group listens silently, aiming to deactivate their critic and activate curiosity.

22. Listen for Self-Perception and Common Ground

When listening to an opposing group, actively deactivate your internal critic and argumentative impulses; instead, cultivate curiosity to understand their self-perception and remain open to identifying shared values or common ground.

23. Debrief with Specific Learning Questions

Following structured listening exercises, pair participants from opposing sides to discuss what they learned about the other’s self-perception and any commonalities identified, then gather the full group to share these insights, strictly enforcing adherence to these questions.

24. Moderator: Intervene Strictly on Off-Topic Remarks

As a moderator, if participants deviate from the agreed-upon questions or ground rules, immediately stop them mid-sentence to prevent escalation and ensure the conversation remains focused on the established objectives.

25. Do Not Attempt to Change Family’s Political Views

When discussing politics with family or close friends, adopt the ‘prime directive’ of not trying to change their minds, as political beliefs are deeply tied to identity and core values, and attempts to alter them will likely be met with resistance.

26. Acknowledge Source Reliance in Discussions

When stating facts or opinions, acknowledge that your understanding is often based on trusted sources or what you’ve read, rather than direct personal access to facts, inviting the other person to share their sources and fostering a less confrontational exchange.

27. Seek Deeper Stories with Curiosity

Approach individuals with differing views with genuine curiosity, seeking to understand the deeper background stories that shaped their perspectives, rather than focusing solely on the surface-level disagreement.

28. Join Depolarization Organizations

To combat political polarization, consider joining organizations like Better Angels (Braver Angels) to participate in workshops, learn communication skills, and engage in structured dialogues aimed at fostering mutual understanding.