A Masterclass in Handling Yourself When Things Suck | Tsoknyi Rinpoche and Daniel Goleman
Tsoknyi Rinpoche, a Tibetan master, and Daniel Goleman, a scientist, discuss ancient and modern tools for regulating emotions. They introduce practices like 'Drop It,' 'handshake practice' for difficult emotions, and 'belly breathing' to manage speediness and find fundamental okayness.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Guests and Episode Theme
Western Students: Intellectual Grasp vs. Visceral Understanding
Cultural Differences and the Challenge of Speediness
Two Major Obstacles for Early Meditators
Scientific Perspective on Subtle Body and Emotional Patterns
The 'Drop It' Practice and Its Scientific Basis
Understanding 'Beautiful Monsters' and Their Origin
The Four Steps of the 'Handshake Practice'
Scientific Support for Befriending Difficult Emotions
Accessing 'Essence Love' and Fundamental OK-ness
Rinpoche's Personal Story: Overcoming Fear of Heights
Scientific View on Childhood Joy and Well-being
The Three Speed Limits and Their Impact on Exhaustion
Belly Breathing as an Antidote to Speediness
Integrating Ancient Wisdom with Modern Science
7 Key Concepts
Speediness
Rinpoche's term for the most challenging aspect of modern life, encompassing fast cognitive thinking, physical movement, and especially a restless, energetic 'subtle body' feeling connected with emotion, leading to a constant sense of rush and lack of time.
Subtle Body
An ancient concept from yoga and Tibetan Buddhism referring to a subtle energy level within us, distinct from the cognitive mind and physical body, that profoundly influences emotions and is crucial for deep spiritual practice, though largely unrecognized by Western science.
Rumination
An unhelpful type of worry where one repeatedly thinks about an upsetting topic without taking action or solving the problem, contrasting with functional worry which leads to planning and resolution.
Open Awareness
A state of simply paying attention to the present moment without judgment, and without being occupied by thoughts or worries, allowing for a clear and unburdened experience of awareness itself.
Beautiful Monsters
Rinpoche's term for unhealthy, distorted habitual patterns or emotional imprints that feel real but carry misleading messages. They are 'beautiful' because engaging with them kindly and transforming them can lead to profound joy, compassion, and understanding for oneself and others.
Spiritual Bypassing
A pitfall where individuals use meditation or spiritual techniques to suppress, avoid, or escape from difficult emotions and unresolved psychological issues, rather than engaging with and transforming them.
Essence Love / Basic Happiness
An innate, intrinsic well-being or spark of joy that is a 'birthright' within us, allowing for a fundamental sense of okayness that exists without any external reason. It is distinct from 'extra happiness' derived from outside conditions and is accessed by addressing internal blockages.
6 Questions Answered
Western students tend to grasp teachings intellectually but disconnect from their feeling world due to cultural influences that prioritize speed, goal-orientation, and cognitive understanding, leaving insufficient time to digest and embody the teachings.
The two main obstacles are the belief that 'my mind is wild and I can't find calm,' and the persistence of troubling thoughts that 'keep coming back and coming back.'
Reasoning with strong feelings is often ineffective because emotional imprints reside deeply in the body and subtle body, not just the cognitive mind, and they tend to shut down when met with intellectual commands or attempts to 'fix' them.
This 'essence love' or basic happiness is accessed by engaging with 'not okay' feelings through practices like the handshake, meeting them with kindness and patience, which allows the intrinsic well-being that is one's true nature to emerge.
Much of our exhaustion and burnout stems not just from physical or mental exertion, but from a 'distorted speed' or restlessness in our emotional subtle body energy that constantly 'banks away' at us.
Deep breathing physiologically shifts the nervous system from a state of sympathetic arousal (anxiety, speediness) to parasympathetic (rest and recovery), calming the body, clearing the mind, and improving heart rate variability for better adaptability.
9 Actionable Insights
1. Handshake Practice for Difficult Emotions
To transform deeper emotional difficulties, engage in the ‘Handshake Practice’ by first dropping mental baggage, then actively meeting your ‘beautiful monster’ (difficult emotion) by truly feeling it, being with it without judgment or attempt to fix, and patiently waiting for it to open up. This non-suppressing approach fosters trust with the emotional imprint, allowing for eventual communication and transformation rather than ineffective mental commands.
2. Access Fundamental Okayness
Access your innate ’essence love’ or ‘fundamental okayness’—a basic happiness without reason—by engaging with your ’not okay’ feelings through the handshake practice. By patiently meeting and being with these difficult feelings, you allow them to open up, revealing your intrinsic well-being and fostering inner strength, rather than seeking external happiness.
3. Belly Breathing for Speediness
Counter ‘distorted speediness’ and restlessness (anxious energy banking on your body) by practicing belly breathing, which involves mind-scanning the agitated energy, breathing it down to your navel, holding for 5-7 seconds with relaxation, and then exhaling. This practice physiologically shifts your nervous system from anxiety to rest and recovery, calming your mind, clearing your head, and reducing exhaustion caused by subtle body agitation.
4. Drop Unnecessary Worries
Practice ‘Drop It’ by physically mimicking the release of unnecessary worries, fears, and concerns (your ‘backpack’) with an attitude of ‘who cares?’ or ‘so what?,’ then take a deep breath and experience a few seconds of freedom and open awareness. This gives you respite from rumination and creates a temporary reference point of clear, unburdened awareness, making space for new, healthy insights.
5. Befriend Your Beautiful Monsters
Identify your ‘beautiful monsters’—unhealthy, distorted habitual patterns or ‘demons’—and recognize that while they feel real, they carry distorted messages and are not your true identity. Separating your identity from these patterns creates space for them to transform, leading to joy, compassion, and understanding of others.
6. Integrate Mind and Feeling
Connect your cognitive understanding with your feeling world by developing practices that help you drop into your body and open your heart, allowing intellectual information to transform into felt understanding. This counters the cultural tendency towards intellectual-only grasping, ensuring deeper integration.
7. Find Calm in the Body
Seek calmness not primarily in the mind, but in the body, especially the subtle body, as disturbing this energetic level can prevent mental clarity and calm. Focusing on bodily calm first allows the mind to become clearer and meditation to work more effectively.
8. Recognize Modern Speediness
Recognize that modern life’s ‘speediness’ often keeps you in your head, preventing you from bringing understanding into your body for deeper integration. Be aware of the three speed limits (cognitive, physical, and subtle body/energetic feeling) to identify where your energy is being overdriven.
9. Download Meditation App
Download the ‘10% with Dan Harris’ app to easily access guided meditations for stress, anxiety, sleep, focus, and self-compassion, engage in weekly live Zoom community sessions, and listen to ad-free podcast episodes.
8 Key Quotes
If I had to pick one word to capture the most challenging aspect of our modern lifestyle, it would be speediness.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
Calmness is not in the mind. Calmness is in the body, especially the subtle body.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
It feels real, but it carries distorted messages. It is real, but not true.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
If you don't have a beautiful monster, you are not normal.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
Waiting is kindness. Listening is kindness. Doing nothing is kindness.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
We always command. We always give order to the feeling world. We never listen to our feeling. We're scared of listening feeling.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
The problem is not the reality. The problem is a leftover imprint. And you have to be kind to that.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
Be kind to your beautiful monster. It's not you, but it's part of you right now. Be aware and be kind. And kind in the form of non-judging. Being is kindness.
Tsoknyi Rinpoche
3 Protocols
Drop It Practice
Tsoknyi Rinpoche- Notice any extra worries, unnecessary hope, fear, or distorted phenomena carried in your mind, subtle body, or gross body, which Rinpoche calls a 'backpack'.
- Breathe out and physically drop your hands, adopting an attitude of 'let it go,' 'who cares,' or 'so what' towards these burdens.
- Shake your body slightly and let your hands drop into your knees.
- Stay in this state for one to four seconds, becoming aware of the freedom and openness, using this experience as a reference point for being clear and unburdened.
Handshake Practice
Tsoknyi Rinpoche- **Dropping**: Drop repetitive thinking, but maintain knowing, awareness, and clarity.
- **Meeting**: Invite awareness to clearly feel your feelings (not just intellectually know them), connecting your awareness with the feeling itself.
- **Being With**: Bring your awareness to the difficult emotion (your 'beautiful monster') as it manifests in your body and mind, staying next to it without suppressing, indulging, running away, or trying to fix it with antidotes.
- **Waiting (Kindness)**: Be patient and wait, doing nothing but being aware and feeling the 'pain' of the beautiful monster, trusting that it will slowly open up on its own.
- **Communication (Optional)**: Once trust is established, communicate with the feeling, acknowledging its misunderstanding and allowing it to express itself, leading to a neutral understanding and transformation.
Belly Breathing for Speediness
Tsoknyi Rinpoche- Become aware of the speedy, restless energy that feels like it's churning in your head, manifesting symptoms such as small eyes, dry mouth, or a hot back.
- Slowly, using a mind-scan with feeling, breathe in, guiding that restlessness down towards your navel.
- Hold your breath for five to seven seconds, relaxing the rigid energy in your navel area.
- Breathe out and repeat the process, gently pushing the restless energy down and holding it there.
- Continue this practice until your head feels clear, eyes are rested, mouth is not dry, and the sensation of heat subsides, aiming to eventually maintain this grounded feeling gently while engaged in daily activities or meditation.