Abby Wambach On: Grief, Addiction, And Moving From External To Internal Validation
Abby Wambach, a two-time Olympic gold medalist, discusses navigating grief while sober for the first time. She shares her journey from external to internal validation, defining self-love as full acceptance, and how her DUI became a pivotal opportunity for growth.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Abby Wambach's Current Experience with Grief and Sobriety
The Delayed Reaction and Survival Mechanisms of Grief
Grief as a Portal to What Matters Most
Accepting the Unknown of Death
Abby Wambach's Definition of Self-Love
The Link Between Past Trauma and Current Pride in Sobriety
The DUI Incident as a Catalyst for Change
Benevolence and Warmth as Trainable Skills
Building Self-Esteem After Retiring from Professional Sports
Distinguishing Worthiness (External) from Self-Esteem (Internal)
Shifting from External to Internal Validation
The Power of Asking 'Is That So?' in Addiction Recovery
The Impact of Sharing Vulnerabilities and Personal Story
5 Key Concepts
Grief as a Portal
Grief, triggered by tragedy like death or diagnosis, opens a 'portal' to what matters most in life. It forces an individual to confront fears and leave behind superficial concerns, providing an opportunity for profound self-discovery and acceptance, despite the pain and confusion it brings.
Self-Love (Abby's Definition)
For Abby, self-love is an inside job, defined by the full and total acceptance of one's entire humanity, including the 'fucked up' or less attractive parts of oneself, combined with a genuine desire for one's own well-being. It is not about external validation but an internal feeling of acceptance and benevolence towards oneself.
Self-Esteem vs. Worthiness
Worthiness is described as an 'outside-in' concept, driven by the need for approval from others, often sought through achievements, accolades, or external validation. Self-esteem, conversely, is an 'inside-out' concept, stemming from one's own self-approval and feeling good about oneself based on internal values and actions, regardless of external recognition.
Behavior Activation
This concept, also referred to as 'showing up every day,' emphasizes acting regardless of motivation. It acknowledges that excitement or desire may not always be present for certain activities (like fitness), but the value and fulfillment derived from completing them, or the anticipation of future joy, are equally important motivators.
The 'Is That So?' Question
This question encourages individuals, particularly those in recovery, to challenge their perceived realities and assumptions. It prompts a deeper inquiry into whether a belief or situation is 'absolutely true,' opening up possibilities beyond what initially feels like the 'only option' and fostering a more conscious and less fear-driven approach to life's challenges.
5 Questions Answered
Grief can be profoundly flooring, causing physical sickness and emotional sorrow. When experienced sober, it brings a full, conscious awareness of the pain and a long 'train' of past grief experiences, but also a deep gratitude for being able to live fully and authentically through it.
Yes, tragedy can open a 'portal' that forces one to confront fears, such as the fear of death, and focus on what truly matters. It offers a chance to work through deep-seated anxieties and move towards acceptance and surrender, rather than avoiding difficult truths.
Worthiness is often sought externally through others' approval, accolades, or achievements, while self-esteem is an internal sense of approval and feeling good about oneself, independent of outside validation. Abby Wambach's journey involved shifting from seeking worthiness to cultivating self-esteem.
A key step is to consciously disengage from activities solely pursued for external praise or 'suffering' for a sense of accomplishment. Instead, focus on engaging in activities that bring genuine enjoyment and fulfillment, even if they are low-key or not traditionally seen as 'hard,' and cultivate self-esteem through daily actions that align with personal values.
The question 'Is that so?' or 'Is that absolutely true?' can be transformative. It encourages one to question deeply held beliefs, especially those that lead to self-medication or feeling trapped, and recognize that there might be other options or ways of living than what initially seems to be the only path.
31 Actionable Insights
1. Shift External to Internal Approval
Consciously shift your focus from seeking worthiness and approval from others (external validation) to cultivating self-esteem and needing your own approval (internal validation).
2. Self-Love: Acceptance & Benevolence
Understand self-love as having two components: accepting yourself fully (even if not ‘psyched’ about everything) and genuinely wanting the best for yourself.
3. Self-Love is an Inside Job
Understand that self-love is an ‘inside job’ and not something found through external affirmations, accolades, awards, or achievements.
4. Define Love as Full Acceptance
Define love, including self-love, as the full and total acceptance of a person’s complete humanity, including the ‘fucked up’ or less attractive parts of oneself.
5. Question Your Assumptions: Is That So?
Cultivate patience and challenge impulsive thoughts or perceived necessities by asking yourself the question, ‘Is that so?’ or ‘Is that absolutely true?’ to uncover alternative perspectives and options.
6. Reframe Negative Events as Opportunities
Understand that seemingly catastrophic events, like a public arrest, can ultimately be the ‘best thing that ever could happen’ by serving as a wake-up call and a beautiful opportunity to change your life.
7. Embrace Tragedy’s Portal
When tragedy strikes (death, near-death, diagnosis), recognize it as a ‘portal’ that opens up to what matters most, allowing you to leave behind ‘BS’ and focus on core priorities.
8. Don’t Shy from Hard Feelings
Commit to not shying away from hard feelings or the difficult parts of life, embracing them as part of your ‘vocation’ to work through challenging experiences.
9. Find Growth in Everything
Adopt the mindset that there is a growth opportunity in every experience, even tragic or seemingly terrible ones. This perspective can help reframe difficult situations.
10. Keep Death at Forefront
To live more presently and fully in the here and now, keep the awareness of death at the forefront of your mind, as many spiritual teachers do.
11. Accept Death’s Unknown
Acknowledge and begin to accept that you, along with everyone else, will never truly know what happens when we die. This acceptance can be a difficult but necessary step in processing grief and fear.
12. Find Comfort in Shared Mortality
When contemplating death, find comfort in the fact that billions of people have already experienced it, and you will not be the first.
13. Train Benevolence & Warmth
Recognize that basic friendliness, benevolence, and warmth are trainable skills, achievable through practices like meditation, therapy, or fostering good relationships, even if you currently feel hatred towards yourself or others.
14. Cultivate Warmth Through Practice
Cultivate warmth and openness through practices such as meditation, journaling, or gratitude journals, recognizing that it takes less energy to be warm than cold.
15. Prioritize Internal Self-Worth
Counter societal narratives that link happiness and self-worth to external achievements (money, possessions, children’s success) by prioritizing the fundamental need to feel good about yourself first.
16. Identify True Self-Esteem Builders
Actively reflect on and identify what truly makes you feel good about yourself, rather than relying on external achievements or societal expectations.
17. Embrace Past for Present Pride
Recognize that the pride and self-love felt for overcoming challenges like addiction can be directly linked to the depth of past struggles; accept that one cannot exist without the other.
18. Sobriety as Self-Love
View the choice to no longer use substances to cover up pain or numb feelings as a foundational first step toward loving yourself.
19. Utilize Therapy for Self-Love
Engage in therapy specifically to learn how to love yourself, especially if you intellectually understand the concept but struggle with its practical application.
20. Adjust Self-Care During Suffering
Understand that during times of suffering or tragedy, your ‘best’ might look different (e.g., only one hour of work then resting), and it’s precious to allow yourself to slow down and take that time for self-care.
21. Sit In It During Grief
When experiencing intense grief or suffering, allow yourself to ‘sit in it’ and let the emotions move through you, rather than trying to push through or maintain normal routines.
22. Break Suffering-Self-Esteem Link
Recognize and break the unhealthy link between physical suffering and self-esteem, especially if you find yourself constantly seeking suffering to feel good about yourself, as this creates a never-ending cycle.
23. Seek Balanced Physical Activity
Intentionally take a break from or avoid physical activities that rely on suffering for a sense of accomplishment, instead seeking more balanced ways of living that don’t depend on adrenaline spikes from physical pain.
24. Prioritize Enjoyable Fitness
Shift your fitness regimen to include activities you genuinely enjoy, such as walking, low-key gym workouts, surfing, or golfing, rather than solely focusing on intense, suffering-based exercises.
25. Practice Behavior Activation
Commit to ‘showing up every day’ and engaging in desired behaviors, even when motivation is lacking, understanding that motivation doesn’t always come first (behavior activation).
26. Value All Types of Enjoyment
Recognize and value three types of activities equally: those you’re excited about beforehand, those you enjoy in the moment, and those that bring fulfillment after completion, rather than only pursuing activities you anticipate enjoying.
27. Attune to Your True Likes
A key step in shifting from external to internal validation is to finely attune yourself to what you genuinely like and want, rather than what society or others expect of you.
28. Tell Your Whole Story
To avoid future shame or worry, tell the complete story of your life, including difficult or ‘fucked up’ parts, as this vulnerability can be healing for yourself and others.
29. Observe Energy, Don’t Absorb It
Practice being observant of the energy in a room without letting it negatively affect you, distinguishing yourself from an empath who takes on others’ energy as their own.
30. Question Motivation for Activities
Encourage children (and yourself) to reflect on their motivation for engaging in activities: are they seeking external approval, or is the activity genuinely fulfilling and ‘filling you up’ from within?
31. Parenting: Don’t Watch Practices
When your children are at practice, sit in the car instead of watching them, allowing them to engage in their activity without the pressure of being observed by parents.
5 Key Quotes
I feel grateful for my sobriety to kind of wholeheartedly experience grief completely conscious and awake and aware. And it sucks. Like there is a good reason why so many alcoholics out there drink because it is hard and it is painful.
Abby Wambach
The number one thing I could do for myself was start loving myself again. The choice to do that saved my life.
Abby Wambach
The irony is like, I feel so proud of my sobriety. Like the amount of pride that I feel for myself and love I have for myself for my sobriety is directly linked to how fucked up I was during the time in which I was abusing it.
Abby Wambach
My rap sheet is long is as long as your arm. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. And the more you can tell your story, the more we can help heal each other.
Glennon Doyle (as quoted by Abby Wambach)
I know for certain that the more I talk about my vulnerabilities, like real vulnerabilities, the more people come up to me now and they thank me for doing that because yes, pro athletics is wonderful, entertaining, but nobody ever came up to me as an athlete and said, you saved my life. And now countless people come up to me in the work that I do and say, you've really helped me save my life. And that to me is like so much more profound and powerful.
Abby Wambach
2 Protocols
Shifting from External to Internal Validation (Post-Retirement)
Abby Wambach- Go one full year without suffering physically in exercise, breaking the link between suffering and self-esteem.
- Engage in low-key physical activities that are genuinely enjoyable, such as walks, light gym workouts, surfing, or golfing.
- Recognize that motivation doesn't always come; value the fulfillment gained after completing tasks, even if the process itself isn't exciting.
- Practice 'behavior activation' by showing up for daily tasks, regardless of desire, understanding that the value of the action remains true.
Parenting Tip for Kids' Sports Practices
Abby Wambach- Do not go and watch your children's practices.
- Sit in the car during practice time.
- Allow practices to be solely for the children, fostering their internal motivation rather than seeking parental approval.