Alexander Dreymon (Star of Netflix's "The Last Kingdom") on: Therapy, Marriage, Anger, Masculinity, Meditation, and Being Nice (Even If You're a Viking)
Alexander Dreymon, star of "The Last Kingdom," discusses his non-negotiables for happiness, including sleep, continuous learning, and human connection. He shares insights on therapy, vulnerable male friendships, managing anger, and cultivating non-attachment to body image.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Alexander Dreymon and Episode Focus
Alexander's First Non-Negotiable: The Importance of Sleep
Reflective Listening as a Communication Tool
Alexander's Second Non-Negotiable: Continuous Learning
Historical Accuracy and Plot of The Last Kingdom
Alexander's Third Non-Negotiable: Human Connection with Partner
Navigating Relationship Challenges and Managing Anger
The Concept of Sati (Remembering) and Habit Formation
The Value of Vulnerable Male Friendships
The Life-Changing Importance of Therapy
Modeling a Different Kind of Masculinity
The Power of Kindness and Micro-Interactions
Exercise, Body Image, and Avoiding Dysmorphia
Exploring the Buddhist Idea of Non-Self and Awareness
Meditation Practice with a Toddler and Cultivating Awe
Wrapping Up The Last Kingdom and Finding a Personal Home
5 Key Concepts
Reflective Listening
A communication technique where you repeat back what someone says concisely in your own language. This clarifies understanding, makes the other person feel heard, and improves interpersonal communication.
Zero Space Policy
A relationship practice focused on actively preventing emotional distance from growing between partners. It involves addressing small upsets or unvoiced issues immediately rather than letting them fester and create a larger gap over time.
Sati (Remembering)
The original Pali word for mindfulness, emphasizing the continuous need to 'wake up' and remember teachings. It highlights that even after learning profound insights, people tend to revert to old habit patterns, requiring consistent practice to counteract.
Non-Self (Anatta)
A Buddhist concept suggesting there is no permanent, unchanging core 'self' or ego. It posits that everything, including thoughts, feelings, the physical body, and even awareness, is constantly in flux, making the idea of a solid, enduring self an illusion.
Awe
An emotion identified as key to happiness, cultivated by an openness to being struck by beauty or wonder. Experiencing awe, even in small daily observations, can lead to a state of mind that welcomes happiness.
8 Questions Answered
Being sleep-deprived can make an actor raw, enabling them to access emotions for scenes without being self-conscious or over-examining their performance, which can be beneficial for emotional depth.
The show is roughly historically accurate, based on Bernard Cornwell's books, featuring historical figures and battles, but it takes liberties by weaving the fictional character Uhtred into the historical narrative.
It's a practice of actively preventing emotional distance from growing between partners by immediately addressing small upsets or unvoiced issues, rather than letting them accumulate and create larger rifts.
Therapy provides a professional assessment of situations, helps process childhood trauma, and offers a safe space to express difficult emotions, fostering self-reconnection and improving relationships by addressing underlying issues.
Consistently learning new things is considered one of the most important factors in maintaining memory and overall brain health as one ages.
It's crucial to recognize that identity extends beyond the physical body, as the body is constantly changing. Cultivating other aspects of self helps prevent obsession and struggle as the body inevitably ages and transforms.
Buddhism teaches that the ego or sense of self is an illusion, a constantly changing 'wisp' or 'bubble in a stream.' Recognizing this insubstantiality can reduce suffering and motivate individuals to help others suffer less.
While formal seated meditation might be challenging, parents can practice mindfulness by being fully present and aware while playing with their child, finding bliss and beauty in their child's simple observations and reactions.
24 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Sufficient Sleep
Make getting enough sleep a non-negotiable discipline, especially during demanding periods, as it’s crucial for sustained performance and overall well-being. Alexander finds his sweet spot is 8 hours.
2. Continuously Engage in Learning
Prioritize continuous learning, whether through sports, work, or daily life, as it fosters a sense of achievement, self-worth, and overall happiness. Learning new things consistently is also vital for maintaining memory and brain health over the long term.
3. Integrate Formal & Informal Mindfulness
Integrate both formal meditation practices, such as sitting and focusing on breath, and informal mindfulness throughout your day. Cultivate an openness to experiencing awe and beauty in everyday moments, as this state of mind fosters happiness.
4. Engage in Therapy
Engage in therapy to reconnect with yourself, process emotions like anger, and address childhood trauma. A therapist can provide professional assessment, guidance, and validation, acting as a supportive figure to help navigate life’s challenges and improve relationships.
5. Practice Reflective Listening
Improve interpersonal communication by practicing reflective listening: concisely repeat what someone says in your own words, especially when they need to feel heard or when clarification is needed. This technique can significantly improve relationships and ensure mutual understanding.
6. Implement “Zero Space Policy”
In relationships, actively prevent unconscious drifting apart by immediately addressing small upsets or distances, rather than allowing them to grow into larger, more damaging issues over time. This proactive approach helps maintain closeness and prevents relationship “rot.”
7. Cultivate Vulnerable Male Friendships
Men should actively cultivate and maintain friendships where they can be vulnerable and receive emotional support. These independent friendships are crucial for overall well-being, reduce pressure on romantic relationships, and provide a vital source of love and understanding.
8. Practice Kindness & Micro-Interactions
Actively strive to operate with kindness towards everyone, including strangers, and pepper your day with positive micro-interactions. This practice is enjoyable, can improve your mood, and has a measurable impact on overall happiness.
9. “Fall in Love” with Life Daily
Cultivate an open mindset to “fall in love” with anything, everything, or anyone each day. This practice can work wonders for your happiness and overall outlook on life.
10. Cultivate Awareness Beyond Body
To navigate aging and physical changes without discomfort, cultivate an understanding that your identity is rooted in constant awareness, not just your changing body, thoughts, or feelings. Practice mindfulness to connect with this deeper sense of self.
11. Recognize Ego’s Impermanence
Reduce personal suffering by recognizing that the ego is not a solid, permanent entity but an illusion. This understanding can alleviate much suffering and inspire you to help others reduce their own.
12. Engage in Regular Exercise
Engage in regular physical exercise, even when exhausted, by forcing yourself to start; often, joy follows once the activity begins. This, combined with healthy eating, is a crucial component of a healthy lifestyle.
13. Establish Clear Boundaries
Establish and be conscious of clear boundaries in all aspects of life. This awareness helps prevent them from being overstepped, which can be difficult to recover from once it’s too late.
14. Verbalize Anger & Upsets
Suppressing anger and upsetting experiences can lead to dangerous, uncontrolled outbursts, as demonstrated by a harrowing car crash incident. It is crucial to talk about these feelings to process them healthily.
15. Layer New Habits
To effectively form new habits and counteract the tendency to revert to old patterns, “layer” them onto existing routines. For instance, practice meditation immediately after brushing your teeth to leverage the momentum of an established habit.
16. Actively Maintain Friendships
Consciously set aside time to maintain important friendships, especially long-distance ones, by making phone calls and checking in regularly, rather than relying solely on texting. This active effort is crucial for preserving valuable connections.
17. Be Open to New Friendships
Actively remain open to forming new relationships with people who inspire and invigorate you, as these connections can bring excitement and happiness into your life.
18. Embrace Silliness for Happiness
Prioritize spending time with people and in situations where you can let your guard down and be completely silly, as this uninhibited expression is a significant and magical source of happiness and connection.
19. Prioritize Kindness Despite Setbacks
Understand that the positive outcomes from practicing kindness outweigh any potential setbacks or negative experiences. This perspective encourages a continued commitment to compassionate actions.
20. Communicate Distress Calmly
When experiencing internal struggles or a bad mood, practice “interpersonal hygiene” by calmly explaining what’s happening to your partner and assuring them it’s not about them. This prevents misinterpretation and fosters healthier communication.
21. Create a Stable “Nest” for Children
Upon becoming a parent, prioritize creating a stable and nurturing “nest” or home environment for your child, recognizing the fundamental importance of providing a solid base for their development.
22. Bilingual Parenting Strategy
To help children acquire an additional language, one parent should consistently speak only that language to the child. This approach aims to provide the child with a “free” additional language.
23. Advocate for Emotional Education
Advocate for the inclusion of education on the human condition, mind’s workings, and interpersonal dynamics in school curricula. Understanding these concepts from a young age can significantly improve individual lives and relationships.
24. Sleep Deprivation Aids Raw Creativity
In specific creative contexts like acting, temporary sleep deprivation can make one less self-conscious and more emotionally raw, potentially aiding in delivering powerful emotional performances. This is not a sustainable practice but a temporary observation.
6 Key Quotes
When you're so tired, you don't really examine what you're doing in the moment and you just leave yourself alone and you just do it.
Alexander Dreymon
The only thing that is constant is your awareness.
Alexander Dreymon
When I'm angry, I just want to be angry. Sometimes I just—I really enjoy being angry.
Alexander Dreymon
What you can reap by sowing seeds of kindness is worth every defeat that you can encounter.
Alexander Dreymon
The point is to go back into the world and be less of a dick and to help other people.
Dan Harris
Let yourself fall in love every day.
Alexander Dreymon
1 Protocols
Forming New Habits (Habit Layering)
Dan Harris (referencing behavior change science)- Identify an existing habit that you already do regularly.
- Attach the new habit you want to form immediately after the existing habit.
- Use the momentum of the existing habit to make the new habit easier to adopt and integrate into your routine.