An Ace Therapist Gives Dan A Run For His Money | Dr. Jacob Ham
Dr. Jacob Ham, Director of the Center for Child Trauma and Resilience, discusses living with trauma and suffering. He emphasizes reawakening mentalization, understanding love, and navigating difficult emotions to become exquisitely human.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Dr. Jacob Ham and his therapeutic approach
Dr. Ham's personal journey into therapy and spiritual calling
Defining trauma, especially early childhood relational trauma
Reawakening mentalization and its link to relational wounds
Societal factors impacting empathy and mentalization
Dr. Ham's modern relational approach to therapy
The therapist's active role and internal process in therapy
Personal trauma and intergenerational suffering
Teaching people how to be exquisitely human
Self-reflection and healing through the 'mirror' metaphor
Love and connection in the context of self and others
Understanding Kairos versus Kronos (types of time)
Defining 'love' in a therapeutic context
Handling difficult emotions and 'risky' communication in therapy
Suffering as a catalyst for learning to love
The Incredible Hulk as a metaphor for the survival brain
Cultivating compassionate curiosity and openness
Discussion on 'trauma creep' and the meaning of the word
8 Key Concepts
Mentalization
The ability to understand the mental states of oneself and others, involving curiosity about what is happening in your own mind and the minds of those around you. It is a crucial skill that often needs reawakening, especially for individuals who have experienced relational trauma.
Modern Relational Approach
A therapeutic approach that acknowledges the co-creation of experience between the therapist and patient, where both individuals' internal states intermingle. The goal is to foster compassionate curiosity about the dynamic unfolding between them, moving beyond a neutral, clinical stance.
Fear Survival Self
One of two competing internal states, this self is ego-protective and tends to create divisions, manifesting as 'othering' and dehumanizing energy. It is characterized by a focus on threat or safety, often at the expense of complex thinking and language.
Open-Hearted Self
The contrasting internal state to the fear survival self, characterized by curiosity, complexity, and a tolerance for ambiguity. This state is present-moment oriented and allows for deeper connection and understanding.
Kairos vs. Kronos
Two Greek terms for time: Kronos refers to scheduled, demanding time that often creates a sense of rushing, while Kairos is existential time, a state where one loses track of time while deeply connecting with another person in a meaningful way.
Love (Dr. Ham's definition)
For Dr. Ham, love is a physical and spiritual experience of resonance and connection, a 'pulsing heart' that feels stunned and amazed at another's beauty, humanness, and foibles. It involves wishing them well and rooting them on, reflecting a deep care for another human being.
Compassionate Curiosity
A mindful practice that involves a deep, loving curiosity about what is happening, both within oneself and in interactions with others. It encourages observing internal and external experiences without judgment, akin to a two-year-old's pure desire to understand.
Post-Traumatic Growth
An academic term describing the phenomenon where trauma, despite its inherent suffering, can become a driving force for significant personal growth. It suggests that individuals can achieve a higher level of development as a result of navigating and integrating their traumatic experiences.
10 Questions Answered
Dr. Ham primarily focuses on moment-to-moment terror, fear, neglect, and abuse experienced by children from a very early age, particularly relational traumas established in the first two years of life, rather than solely on 'big T traumas' like disasters.
Mentalization is the ability to know that another person has a mind and that you have a mind, and to be curious about both. It's crucial for healing relational trauma because the original wound often stems from an inability to relate successfully, especially when caregivers are both a source of fear and protection.
Dr. Ham employs a 'modern relational approach' where the therapeutic experience is co-created between therapist and patient. He actively participates, using 'compassionate curiosity' to explore the dynamic unfolding between them, rather than maintaining a neutral clinical distance.
Yes, Dr. Ham has observed many individuals significantly improve, though it is often a lifelong process. Key to this healing is reawakening the capacity for mentalization and learning to cultivate love amidst suffering.
Dr. Ham believes his most important discovery is that suffering is an inevitable part of life, and our fundamental task is to learn how to love in the midst of great suffering.
Dr. Ham suggests this is a moment-to-moment question, depending on whether fear is blocking connection. When one is in an 'open state of mind,' loving oneself and loving others become intertwined and indistinguishable.
Suffering is an inevitable aspect of life, and its purpose is to teach us how to love in its midst. It can also serve as a powerful catalyst for post-traumatic growth, propelling personal development to higher levels.
The Hulk serves as a perfect metaphor for the 'survival brain' in trauma, representing an abused child whose complex thought and language disappear under threat. He cannot be reasoned with or disciplined by force, only given time to calm down, mirroring the self-loathing and protective mechanisms of trauma survivors.
This phrase refers to the core injury of trauma, which is the feeling of not being seen or not mattering. The therapist's aim is to provide the patient with a moment-to-moment sense of mattering, offering a compassionate gaze, silence, and love.
Dr. Ham acknowledges that boilerplate language can become empty but is more curious about *why* people use the term in certain ways (e.g., to justify behaviors, as a badge, or as a barrier to authenticity) rather than whether the word itself is problematic. He notes that increased public understanding of trauma has also been beneficial.
21 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Compassionate Curiosity
Practice ’loving curiosity’ for yourself and others, approaching experiences like a two-year-old who can do no wrong and just wants to understand. This involves being curious about what’s happening between people and within oneself, integrating head, heart, gut, body, and spirit.
2. Practice Mentalization
Reawaken the capacity for mentalization by knowing that others have minds and you have a mind, and being curious about both. This helps break through lack of empathy and silos, fostering deep connection.
3. Embrace ‘All Too Human’ Self-Compassion
Strive to be ’exquisitely human’ by being attuned and resonating with others, but also accept being ‘all too human’ by loving yourself despite foibles and fumbles. When you screw up, which is inevitable, practice being okay enough with it.
4. Engage in Self-Observation & Parts Work
Metaphorically ‘stand naked in front of a mirror’ to observe your reactions to yourself without judgment. Practice looking at all your internal ‘parts’ with love and kindness, understanding that each part has a role and is trying to help you, even if unskillfully.
5. Learn to Love Amidst Suffering
Recognize that suffering is an inevitable part of life, and your task is to learn to love in the midst of it. This involves cultivating a ‘muscle of awareness’ and love, even when facing fear and shame.
6. Use Relationships as a Mirror
Find a loved one who is a great listener, or become a great listener for others, as this will help you become a great listener for yourself. By cultivating compassion for others, you also cultivate compassion for your own frailties and failings.
7. Identify Your State of Mind
Regularly ask yourself, ‘What state of mind am I in right now?’ to discern if fear and survival instincts are blocking connection, or if you are in an open-hearted, curious state that tolerates ambiguity.
8. Prioritize Kairos Over Kronos
Strive for ‘Kairos’ or existential time, where you lose track of scheduled time (‘Kronos’) and are deeply present and connected with another person. This allows for profound knowing and understanding.
9. Avoid Intellectualization as Defense
Be aware of the tendency to intellectualize your experiences by coming up with concepts and grand theories. This can be a defense mechanism that prevents inner knowing and looking at your own ‘stuff’.
10. Inquire When Connection is Difficult
When you find yourself having trouble mustering warmth or feeling annoyed with someone, inquire about what is happening between you. This self-awareness can be a crucial step towards understanding and re-establishing connection.
11. Take Relational Risks with Love
When appropriate and with good intention, take the risk of leading with love by expressing difficult truths or feelings in a relationship. This can open pathways for deeper connection and growth, especially when there’s an established foundation of trust.
12. Embrace Conflict for Growth
If a relational risk or difficult interaction causes hurt, view it as ‘fodder for growth and healing.’ Instead of becoming defensive, remain curious about what emerged, allowing for deeper understanding and connection.
13. Manage Your Inner ‘Hulk’
Understand that your ‘Hulk’ (survival brain) is a part of you that has served an important function by keeping you safe. Don’t fight or discipline it with force, as that only makes it stronger; instead, give it time to calm down and learn to respect and admire its protective role.
14. Integrate Your ‘Hulk’ with Parts
Collaborate with your inner ‘Hulk’ by honoring its protective intent and then offering alternative strategies from other parts of yourself. The goal is to channel its energy for good by working in unison with your other internal ‘Avengers’ towards a shared objective.
15. Parenting with Emotional Regulation
When a child is ‘hulking out’ (dysregulated), prioritize giving them time to calm down rather than immediate punishment. Model emotional regulation by acknowledging your own dysregulation and suggesting a break for both of you, then revisit the issue when calmer.
16. Express Anger as Love
Recognize that experiencing and expressing ‘homicidal rage’ in response to outrageous stories of suffering can be an incredibly loving act. It’s a way to honor, acknowledge, and put the right emotion to the event, showing deep care.
17. Inquire About Distraction
If you find yourself wanting to disengage from a conversation (e.g., by looking at your phone), pause and inquire about what feels ‘deplorable’ in the interaction that makes you want to move away. Understand if it’s an unaccepted part of yourself or something you find reprehensible, and then decide how to respond with love or clear communication.
18. Cultivate ‘Exquisite Love’
Strive to ’love exquisitely’ by holding another person in their fullness, truly seeing and knowing them without judgment. This involves deep empathy and a desire to connect with their humanness and beauty.
19. Allow Personal Discovery of Insights
Instead of passively receiving skills or tools, actively engage with information and stories to discover insights for yourself. This personal packaging makes the advice stick and resonate more deeply.
20. Be Curious About Internal Resistance
When you feel resistance to taking a risk or engaging in a difficult conversation, slow down and examine all your internal ‘parts.’ Instead of self-judgment, activate curiosity to understand the good reason behind your feelings.
21. Be Curious About Language Use
When encountering loaded terms like ’trauma,’ inquire about how they are being used in the moment. Understand if the language is creating walls, distracting from authenticity, or being used as a weapon, rather than being genuinely expressive.
7 Key Quotes
Part of his job, as you will hear him admit, and these are my words, not his, is to teach his patients how to be human.
Dan Harris
The whole point of the bodhisattva is that they can reach enlightenment and leave this world, but they turn around and see the suffering of other people, and they turn around and help other people reach enlightenment.
Dr. Jacob Ham
Trauma is an act of violence against relational connection, against feeling human, against feeling like you deserve to be loved and that loving is a good thing and it's a safe thing.
Dr. Jacob Ham
Maybe that's the most important thing that I've discovered. I'm obsessed with this idea of suffering. Does it have a point? And what do you do with it? Suffering is a given in life. And our task in life is to learn to love in the midst of great suffering.
Dr. Jacob Ham
The Hulk is not a bad guy. The Hulk is one of our favorite superheroes. Kids love him. So it reinforces the idea that you have to start to learn to respect and admire the Hulk because he's served an important function in your life for a long time. He's kept you safe. He's gotten you this far.
Dr. Jacob Ham
I think that the primary injury of trauma is that you're not seen. You yourself don't matter. And so part of what I'm trying to give people is a sense that they matter moment to moment.
Dr. Jacob Ham
The problem wouldn't be with trauma as a word. It might be if people are using the word to... Create walls. Yeah, to not be real.
Dr. Jacob Ham
2 Protocols
Engaging with the 'Hulk' (Survival Brain)
Dr. Jacob Ham- Acknowledge that the 'Hulk' (survival brain/anger) is present because it believes you need it and loves you enough to destroy the world for you.
- Communicate that you have other strategies or ideas for how to achieve the goal.
- Ask if the 'Hulk' is okay with letting other 'Avengers' (other parts of you) try first.
- Ensure the 'Hulk' feels empowered and in a collaborative relationship, rather than just trying to contain it.
Responding to a Child's Dysregulation
Dr. Jacob Ham- Recognize when you (the parent) are getting dysregulated and communicate this, e.g., 'I'm starting to get dysregulated. I'm getting really upset. I think I need to take a step back and calm down.'
- Ask the child if they also need to take a step back and calm down.
- Alternatively, state, 'It looks like you're too upset. Then why don't you take a break and we'll revisit this when you're calmer.'
- Track whether the child is in 'Hulk' (survival brain) mode, as you cannot reason with Hulk, only give time to calm down.