Are They Really a Narcissist? Do They Really Have Borderline? Are They Truly Gaslighting You? How To Know. And What To Do When People Weaponize Therapy-Speak Against You. | Isabelle Morley
Isabel Morley, a clinical psychologist and EFT-certified couples therapist, discusses the misuse and weaponization of therapy speak like 'gaslighting' and 'narcissist.' She provides practical advice on understanding these terms and navigating relationships effectively beyond clinical labels.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
The Weaponization and Misuse of Therapy Speak
The Downsides of Mental Health Normalization
Differentiating Abuse from Bad Behavior
Understanding Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Correctly Defining and Responding to Gaslighting
The Mindset of Abusers and Perpetual Victims
Setting and Enforcing Boundaries with Difficult People
Narcissism: Clinical Disorder vs. Selfishness
OCD: Clinical Disorder vs. Being Particular
Red Flags vs. Garden-Variety Imperfections
The Intolerance of Discomfort in Relationships
Bipolar Disorder: Clinical Reality vs. Mood Swings
Borderline Personality Disorder: Trauma and Relationship Instability
Misused Terms: Toxic, Triggered, and Trauma Bonded
Practical Advice for Navigating Difficult Relationships
The Importance of Focusing on Personal Growth
9 Key Concepts
Weaponizing Therapy Speak
This refers to using clinical terms or diagnoses to control, blame, shift focus, or pathologize others in relationships. It often involves using these words to avoid taking responsibility or to make oneself seem innocent.
Abuse vs. Bad Behavior
Abuse is characterized by a pattern of behavior aimed at gaining power and control, often lacking remorse, and following an abuse cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Bad behavior, in contrast, can occur in healthy relationships during conflict, where individuals may act poorly but show genuine remorse and a willingness to repair.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT is a couples therapy orientation that focuses on attachment and how to create secure attachments in relationships. It helps couples identify and interrupt 'negative cycles' (like pursue-withdraw patterns) to foster more vulnerability, connection, and secure attachment.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is an abuse tactic where someone tries to make another person feel crazy and out of touch with reality regarding their thoughts or feelings. It is distinct from simply disagreeing, lying, or having a different memory of events.
Boundary
A boundary is a way to keep oneself safe and autonomous in a relationship, which needs to be expressed and enforced. Universal boundaries (e.g., against physical assault) are clear violations, while personal boundaries are individual and require communication.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
NPD is a clinical disorder characterized by grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy, present across various contexts of a person's life since early adulthood. It is much more than just being selfish or self-focused, often stemming from low self-esteem.
Red Flag
In a clinical or serious context, a red flag signifies a serious warning or danger, indicating potential abuse or an unsafe relationship. However, the term is often misused colloquially to describe any imperfection, bad behavior, or personality trait one dislikes, leading to hypervigilance.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
BPD typically arises from serious trauma, leading to an unstable sense of self and significant difficulty maintaining stable relationships. It involves a push-and-pull dynamic between intense closeness and rejection, often accompanied by self-harm, suicidal ideation, or reckless behaviors.
Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is akin to Stockholm syndrome, where a survivor develops a counterintuitive sense of closeness and connection with an abuser or captor, often feeling a need to protect or defend them. It is distinct from simply bonding with someone over a shared difficult experience.
13 Questions Answered
Therapy speak is being weaponized by people using clinical terms and diagnoses to control, blame, shift focus, or pathologize others, often to avoid taking responsibility or to make themselves appear innocent.
Abuse involves a pattern of behavior intended to gain power and control, often without remorse, and follows a cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Bad behavior, while undesirable, can occur in healthy relationships during conflict, but typically involves genuine remorse and a willingness to repair.
Gaslighting should be used to describe an abuse tactic where someone tries to make another person feel crazy or out of touch with reality. It is not the same as simply disagreeing, lying, or having a different memory of events.
It's recommended to take a deep breath, not react immediately, clarify what's going on and why they feel that way, and address the incident to repair. Later, you can discuss the appropriateness of using the term 'gaslighting' in your relationship.
Look for recurring patterns of abusive behavior, a cycle of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm, and feelings of isolation, fear, or losing a sense of your own reality. Consulting a therapist, friends, or family, and reading about abuse patterns can help confirm.
A boundary is a way to maintain safety and autonomy in a relationship, which must be expressed and enforced. With difficult people, strategies include seeing them less frequently, kindly but firmly restating your boundary repeatedly, and accepting that you cannot control their actions, only your reactions.
A clinical narcissist (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) meets specific criteria including grandiosity, a need for admiration, entitlement, and lack of empathy, present pervasively since early adulthood. Selfishness is a trait, but NPD involves a deeper psychological structure, often compensating for low self-esteem, and includes exploitation and manipulation.
OCD is a complex disorder involving distressing obsessions and accompanying compulsions that are time-consuming and out of one's control. Being particular about organization or cleanliness is a preference and normal, not the same as the clinical distress and involuntary nature of OCD.
A 'red flag' should indicate serious danger, a warning sign of potential abuse or an unsafe relationship. A 'garden-variety imperfection' is any bad behavior, annoyance, or personality trait that is not ideal but does not signify imminent danger or abuse.
Bipolar Disorder involves distinct mood episodes, such as mania (which can be severe enough to require hospitalization) or depression, that are prolonged and significantly impact functioning. Common mood swings are transient changes in emotional state, often without known triggers, and are much less intense than a clinical mood episode.
BPD is a personality disorder often stemming from serious trauma, leading to an unstable sense of self and difficulty maintaining stable relationships. It's characterized by a push-and-pull dynamic of intense closeness and rejection, often with self-harm, suicidal ideation, or reckless behaviors.
'Trauma bonded' refers to Stockholm syndrome, where a survivor develops an unhealthy sense of closeness and connection with an abuser or captor, often defending them. It is not simply bonding with someone after experiencing a difficult event together.
Offer observations and recommendations in a quiet moment, expressing worry about noticed patterns and how they affect the individual and the relationship. Frame it as 'I'm worried about this, can you go talk to somebody about it?' rather than as an accusation during a fight.
39 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Your Own Growth
Focus on your own insight, agency, and growth within a relationship, as this is all you can control, rather than solely fixating on the other person’s problems and their need to change.
2. Define and Enforce Boundaries
A boundary is a need you express and enforce to maintain safety and autonomy in a relationship, such as leaving a room if an argument escalates to screaming.
3. Communicate Boundaries Clearly
Do not assume others are mind readers; clearly communicate your needs and boundaries, as people may cross them unintentionally if they are unaware of your expectations.
4. Differentiate Abuse from Bad Behavior
Understand that abuse involves a pattern of gaining power and control with no remorse, while bad behavior can occur in healthy relationships and is often followed by genuine repair.
5. Adjust Behavior, Not Diagnose Others
If you perceive someone as having a personality disorder, focus on changing your own behavior, approach, and the closeness of your relationship with them, rather than confronting them with a diagnosis.
6. Take Personal Responsibility
To self-interrogate for abusive tendencies, consistently take personal responsibility for your part in problems and avoid always blaming the other person, as abusers rarely do this.
7. Respond Calmly to Accusations
If accused of gaslighting or another disorder, take a deep breath, avoid immediate reaction, clarify their feelings and your behavior, and repair the incident.
8. Gently Suggest Professional Help
If you suspect a partner needs help, offer observations in a quiet, calm moment, expressing worry about patterns affecting them and the relationship, and suggest they seek assessment or therapy.
9. Address Problematic Behaviors
Instead of diagnosing, identify problematic behaviors, determine if a workable relationship is possible, and if not, consider ending the relationship for your well-being.
10. Limit Therapy Terms in Conversation
Consider refraining from using most therapy terms in everyday conversation, as they are often meant for the clinical setting and can be misused or weaponized outside of it.
11. Avoid Over-Identifying with Diagnoses
Do not feel compelled to identify with common diagnoses like anxiety or depression just to be part of a cultural ‘in-group,’ as this can lead to self-misdiagnosis and identity formation around a disorder.
12. Focus on Solutions, Not Suffering
When discussing mental health, aim to provide uplift and actionable steps rather than solely dwelling in the suffering, to encourage proactive management of challenges.
13. Communicate Feelings Effectively
Identify and share your painful feelings in a safer, more effective way to interrupt negative cycles and avoid escalated conflict in relationships.
14. Identify Abusive Patterns
To determine if you are in an abusive relationship, look for repeated patterns of abuse, feelings of isolation or fear, and a loss of your sense of reality, and seek external validation from therapists, friends, or family.
15. Adapt Boundary Strategies
For difficult relationships you can’t easily leave (e.g., family, boss), repeatedly reinforce boundaries, pick your battles, and consider shifting the relationship dynamics or closeness.
16. Focus on Self-Control
When setting boundaries, understand you can only control your own reactions and efforts to recondition others’ behavior, not their actions, to maintain your safety and autonomy.
17. Reflect on Accusations
If accused of a disorder, pause, consider if others have made similar observations, and if the accusation is inaccurate, explore why the person felt hurt enough to use that term.
18. Reserve ‘Red Flag’ for Danger
Use the term ‘red flag’ to denote serious warnings of potential abuse or danger in a relationship, rather than for every imperfection, bad behavior, or minor annoyance.
19. Allow Leeway for Imperfections
Counteract relational hypervigilance by allowing others leeway to make mistakes, annoy you, and repair, fostering more resilient and successful relationships.
20. Address Underlying Needs
When someone weaponizes a diagnosis like OCD to make demands, explore the underlying importance of their request, encourage kinder framing, and seek compromise rather than complying with control.
21. Assess Relationship Commitment
Evaluate if a difficult relationship is important enough to commit to the significant work required, especially if a partner has a disorder, and then invest accordingly if it is.
22. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Engage in self-reflection through practices like meditation or therapy to understand your own imperfections, which can increase your capacity for grace and understanding towards others.
23. Recognize Protective Responses
During arguments, understand that behaviors like shutting down might be protective responses to overwhelming feelings, rather than intentional abuse, and can be addressed with self-awareness.
24. Understand True Gaslighting
Recognize that true gaslighting is an abuse tactic designed to make you doubt your sanity and perception of reality, distinct from simple disagreement or lying.
25. Recognize Rare Clinical Narcissism
Understand that true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rare, affecting a small percentage of the population, and is distinct from common selfishness or hurting someone’s feelings.
26. Look for Pervasive Narcissistic Traits
To identify a clinical narcissist, observe if their grandiose, entitled, and exploitative behaviors are pervasive across all relationships and contexts, not just with you.
27. Distinguish OCD from Preferences
Understand that OCD is a distressing disorder with obsessive thoughts and compulsions, distinct from having preferences for organization or cleanliness.
28. Understand Bipolar Severity
Recognize that bipolar disorder involves distinct mood episodes, such as mania, which are far more intense and prolonged than typical mood changes or a single day of high energy.
29. Accept Natural Mood Fluctuations
Acknowledge that people experience mood changes or emotional states without clear triggers, and avoid pathologizing these normal human experiences.
30. Set Boundaries with Low-Insight
When dealing with individuals who lack insight into their feelings, needs, or impact on others, recognize they will be challenging partners and be prepared to set clear boundaries.
31. Understand Borderline Complexity
Recognize that Borderline Personality Disorder stems from trauma, causing an unstable sense of self, difficulty in relationships due to push-pull dynamics, and often involves self-harm or risky behaviors, requiring extensive therapy.
32. Define ‘Toxic’ Clearly
If you choose to use the term ’toxic,’ clarify what specific unhealthy dynamic or problematic behavior you are referring to, as it lacks a precise clinical definition.
33. Understand Clinical ‘Triggered’
Recognize that ’triggered’ clinically refers to a cue that brings up PTSD symptoms for someone with the disorder, not merely experiencing a bad feeling from an event.
34. Manage Emotional Reactions
Accept that life will inevitably present situations that cause strong emotional reactions, and focus on developing the capacity to manage your emotional responses rather than avoiding all discomfort.
35. Understand True Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is a severe psychological attachment, akin to Stockholm Syndrome, where a survivor develops a protective connection to an abuser or captor, distinct from bonding over shared difficult experiences.
36. Avoid Weaponizing Therapy Speak
Do not use clinical terms like diagnoses to control, blame, shift focus, or pathologize people in your life, as this misuses their intention and can be harmful.
37. Avoid Labeling to Escape Discomfort
Resist the urge to quickly label others (e.g., ’narcissist’) as a way to avoid the discomfort and pain of addressing relationship issues directly.
38. Therapists: Caution with Diagnoses
Therapists should be very careful when introducing diagnostic terms to clients, focusing on traits and tendencies rather than making definitive, heavy diagnoses that may be inaccurate or disempowering.
39. Therapists: Empower Client Agency
Therapists should guide clients beyond mere labels to understand behavioral patterns, feelings, and their own agency within relationships, empowering them to make changes rather than disempowering them with external blame.
8 Key Quotes
I have never had to tell someone I'm upholding a boundary with you. You're supposed to uphold the boundary with the person.
Isabel Morley
You don't tell a narcissist, you're a narcissist and the problem is solved. If you think they're a narcissist, then you change your behavior, your approach, the closeness of your relationship with them.
Isabel Morley
Abusers are perpetual victims. The world happens to them. People don't treat them fairly. They always get the short end of the stick.
Isabel Morley
The human curse is that we need each other, other humans, and other humans are a titanic pain in the ass.
Dan Harris
People are just messy. Even when they're trying their best, even when they know all the right things to do and they have gone to therapy for 10 years and they have all the coping strategies at their disposal, they will still let you down, disappoint you, make mistakes sometimes, cross your boundaries, do toxic things, not because they're a terrible person, but because humans are just messy.
Isabel Morley
The point is not to diagnose a narcissist because you're not qualified to do that anyway. The point is to identify the behaviors that are problematic. See if you can find a modus vivendi, a way to live with each other. And if you can't, get the fuck out of there.
Dan Harris
If people know better, they should be doing better. If somebody's in therapy, they shouldn't be ever crossing a boundary.
Isabel Morley
Our brains do that, right? As you know, we seek simple answers. We want schema to explain what's happening in our world. We cannot give nuance to everything, or we would have no capacity to function because there's too much data to take in. It's too much work.
Isabel Morley