Buddhist Monks On: Letting Go of Shame, The Opposite of Depression, and Dealing With Criticism | Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho

1. Cultivate Virtue for Inner Peace

Embrace ethical conduct (sila) as a foundation for happiness and concentration, as the Buddha’s well-being cascade suggests that inner virtue leads to well-being, joy, tranquility, and ultimately, a calm and focused mind.

2. Practice Regular ‘Opening Up’

Engage in a bi-weekly practice of “avikaroti” (making open) with a trusted spiritual friend or accountability buddy to openly acknowledge your actions, speech, and intentions, fostering growth and self-awareness by bringing ‘dark corners’ to light.

3. Cultivate ‘Easy to Speak To’ Quality

Develop the virtue of Suvaca by actively valuing feedback as a treasure, avoiding defensiveness, anger, or changing the subject, and instead seeing it as an opportunity for character development, much like wiping a smudge from a mirror.

4. Give Feedback with Loving Kindness

Before offering feedback, ensure your intention is rooted in care and a desire for the other person’s improvement, not anger or annoyance, and wait until your mind state is calm and friendly to ensure it can be heard.

5. Practice Self-Compassion When Receiving Feedback

When faced with criticism, notice your breathing, slow it down, and direct loving kindness towards yourself (perhaps with a hand over your heart), allowing any pain or reactive impulses to subside before responding.

6. Start Your Day with Loving Kindness

Dedicate the first 10-15 minutes of your day to cultivating loving kindness (metta) by bringing attention to your heart and repeating a mantra like “May they be well,” to orient your mind positively and set a wholesome trajectory.

7. Practice Daily Generosity (Saraniya)

Instill a habit of giving before consuming, such as composting food, feeding a pet, or carrying items to give to those in need, to counteract feelings of overwhelm and foster connection and a sense of purpose.

8. Limit News Consumption and Digital Input

Reduce anxiety and maintain a brighter mind by setting boundaries around news intake, such as waiting until after morning practice, putting phones away after 6 PM, or taking one news-free day a week.

9. Embrace ‘Faith’ as a Working Hypothesis

Adopt the foundational Buddhist belief that it is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones, treating this as a testable principle and an underlying presupposition for positive change.

10. Pause and Reflect Before Responding

When receiving feedback, thank the person and state that you will take time (e.g., 15 minutes) to think about it before responding, allowing initial defensiveness to fade and adrenaline to drop.

11. Use the BAGEL Framework for Feedback

Before speaking, check if your feedback is Beneficial, Accurate, Gentle, Expedient (timely), and delivered with Loving kindness (BAGEL), ensuring constructive and well-received communication.

12. State Positive Intentions for Feedback

When giving feedback, explicitly communicate your wholesome intentions to the recipient (e.g., “I’m telling you this because our relationship matters to me” or “I want you to flourish”) to improve how it is received.

13. Reaffirm Your Values Regularly

Consciously and regularly state your goals and how you want to live, as this psychological act of affirming your identity and values can lead to more honest and aligned behavior, as shown in studies on truthfulness.

14. Avoid Suffering to ‘Honor’ World Suffering

Recognize that true compassion (karuna) is a bright, luminous state, and being miserable or depressed about the state of the world does not help; instead, bring brightness and healing to situations.

15. Cultivate Equanimity for World Events

Develop a ‘bird’s eye view’ (upeka) on global challenges, understanding that the world has always faced difficulties, and beautiful beings have navigated them with equanimity and care, allowing for less constriction of the mind.

16. Ground Yourself with Earth/Water/Sky Similes

When overwhelmed by external input or feedback, mentally embody the vastness and stability of the great earth, the coolness and broad flow of the Ganges River, or the open and spacious nature of the sky to maintain inner peace.

17. Practice Daily Bowing to Your North Star

Engage in a physical bowing practice (e.g., three times in the morning and evening) to a symbol of your highest values or “North Star” as an embodied reminder and tribute to what you care about most.