Buddhist Strategies for Protecting Yourself from Everyday Chaos | Bart van Melik
Bart van Melik, a meditation and dharma teacher, discusses reducing reactivity, setting boundaries, and the power of "knowing you're aware." He shares insights from teaching meditation to kids and how this awareness offers protection and fosters kinder responses, especially with loved ones.
Deep Dive Analysis
9 Topic Outline
Bart Van Melik's Journey to Becoming a Meditation Teacher
First Encounter with 'Knowing You Are Aware' in Meditation
Distinguishing Mindfulness from Knowing You Are Mindful
Why Awareness Provides a Sense of Protection
Applying Awareness to Parenting and Reactivity
The Practice of Skillfully Saying 'No'
Awareness as an Imperturbable, Spacious Quality
Practical Steps to Accessing Awareness
'Keep Calmly Knowing Change' as a Core Teaching
5 Key Concepts
Knowing You Are Aware/Mindful
This concept describes a shift from merely being mindful of an object (like your breath) to noticing that you are the one attending or present. It creates a sense of spaciousness, protection, and empowerment, acting as a resting place beyond the content of your awareness.
Relational Meditation (Insight Dialogue)
A practice that extends mindfulness beyond internal states to how one interacts within a relational field with others. It provides an opportunity to reflect on real-life interactions, learn from them, and bring mindful presence into relationships.
Skillfully Saying 'No'
This practice involves setting boundaries or declining something (whether an external request or an internal thought loop) not from a place of aversion or reactivity, but from presence, kindness, and firmness. It helps prevent unskillful responses and maintains harmony in relationships.
Awareness as Imperturbable
The understanding that the 'knowing' part of you that observes emotions like anger or frustration is not itself angry or frustrated. This awareness is distinct from what it knows, offering a kind, receptive, and spacious quality that feels inherently protective.
Keep Calmly Knowing Change
A core teaching that encourages connecting with the constant flow of impermanence in all phenomena, such as sounds, the breath, and mental activity, by calmly observing it. This practice fosters ease and harmony with the fundamental truth that everything is in flux.
6 Questions Answered
Bart's journey began after high school in the Netherlands, leading him to an exchange program in Kenya, studies in the psychology of culture and religion, and a transformative experience in Thailand where he first realized he could 'know that he was aware' during meditation. He later volunteered teaching meditation to kids in juvenile detention in the South Bronx.
Being mindful means paying attention to an object, like your breath, while knowing you are aware means noticing that you are the one who is present and attending. It's a shift from the content of awareness to the act of knowing itself, providing a sense of space and protection.
It creates a crucial space between a trigger (like a child pushing buttons) and your automatic reaction, allowing for more creative, less reactive responses. This leads to greater harmony in relationships and helps in setting clear boundaries that are more readily accepted.
By practicing from a place of presence, kindness, and firmness, rather than a 'whiny' or reactive state. This approach applies to setting boundaries with children, managing internal thought loops, and preventing unskillful responses before they occur.
The key is to 'pause' and 'remember' that it is always 'now.' One can practice by imagining future situations (e.g., kids coming home from school) and connecting with them from this present, aware state to see what new possibilities emerge.
A powerful teaching is 'Keep calmly knowing change,' which involves connecting with the constant flow of impermanence in all phenomena—such as sounds, the breath, and mental activity—by calmly observing it. This practice brings ease and harmony with the truth that everything is constantly changing.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Distinguish Knowing from Known
Recognize that the awareness observing an emotion or sensation is separate from the emotion or sensation itself, offering a sense of spaciousness and protection.
2. Realize You Are Aware
Shift your attention from what you are mindful of to the fact that you are mindful, which can create more space and a feeling of protection.
3. Practice the Pause
To connect with awareness, simply pause, as this act helps you remember the present moment and access your inherent awareness.
4. Keep Calmly Knowing Change
Connect with the flow of impermanence by calmly noticing change in sensations, thoughts, and sounds, which brings ease and harmony.
5. Respond Creatively with Awareness
When triggered, use the space created by knowing you are aware to respond creatively rather than reactively, improving relational harmony.
6. Say No Skillfully
Practice saying “no” to others or to unhelpful thought loops from a place of clear, present intention, rather than aversion, to set effective boundaries.
7. Choose Engagement Wisely
In challenging moments, recognize your choice in how you engage; not “taking the bait” can lead to less conflict and smoother outcomes.
8. Aspire to Kindness & Presence
Set an intention to be as kind and present as possible, especially with loved ones, using past regrets as motivation for this ongoing practice.
9. Remember Awareness Constantly
Make a continuous effort to remember awareness, as it’s always available and makes a huge difference in interactions; also, learn from moments when you forget.
10. Pre-Pave Mindful Interactions
Before entering anticipated interactions, intentionally connect with a paused, aware state to explore new possibilities in how you engage.
11. Reflect on Real-Life Interactions
Treat everyday conversations and interactions as “relational meditation” practice, using them to reflect on experiences and apply dharma principles.
12. Observe Belly Breathing
Sit and focus your attention on the physical sensation of your belly rising with the inhale and falling with the exhale as a basic meditation technique.
5 Key Quotes
Come and see for yourself.
The Buddha (via Dalai Lama's book)
Your meditations are lit.
Boys in juvenile detention center
When I'm not aware, I'm so reactive.
Bart Van Melik
That which knows there's anger or frustration is not angry or frustrated.
Bart Van Melik
Keep calmly knowing change.
Venerable Analio (via Bart Van Melik)