Comedian Sarah Cooper On: Humiliation, Perfectionism, and Taking Chances
Sarah Cooper, a writer and comedian with 3.3 million social media followers, discusses her memoir "Foolish," exploring her journey through imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and fear of failure. She shares how her viral Trump lip-sync videos catapulted her to fame and forced a reckoning with her complex past and personal growth.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Sarah Cooper's Background and Viral Fame
Roots of Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and Fear of Failure
Competition and Jealousy as Drivers of Self-Doubt
Parental Influence on Risk-Taking and Perfectionism
Embracing Personal Flaws and Family Traits
Understanding and Responding to Being Triggered
The Universal Fear of Failure Across Privilege Levels
Navigating Discomfort and Non-Attachment to Results
The 'Pick Me Girl' Phenomenon and Self-Worth
Reflections on Divorce and Second Chances
The Genesis and Impact of the Donald Trump Lip-Sync Videos
The Unpleasant Side of Sudden Fame and Obligation
The Value of Humiliation and Being 'In Hell'
Working with Jerry Seinfeld and Complex Relationships
Overcoming the Fear of Embarrassment and Self-Abandonment
Moving On From Past Mistakes and Embracing Future Chances
Sarah Cooper's Current Projects and Future Aspirations
5 Key Concepts
Cathartic Normalization
This concept suggests that admitting embarrassing or 'fucked up' aspects of oneself is beneficial not only for the individual but also for listeners, as it fosters a sense of shared humanity and reduces feelings of isolation around personal struggles.
If it's hysterical, it's historical
This saying implies that an intense or exaggerated emotional reaction to a present situation (hysteria) is often rooted in unresolved past experiences or traumas (history). It encourages introspection into the origins of strong emotional responses.
Non-attachment to results
Derived from Buddhist philosophy, this idea involves putting full effort into a task or goal without being overly concerned or attached to the specific outcome. It acknowledges that many results are influenced by chaotic, uncontrollable factors, promoting sanity and reducing stress.
Pick Me Girl
A 'pick me girl' is a term for a woman who excessively seeks validation or approval from others, often by minimizing her true self or being inauthentic, in an attempt to be chosen or liked. It reflects a desire for external validation over self-acceptance.
Robot Mode (Performative Mode)
This describes a state where one speaks or acts from a script, feeling disconnected from their true self and the other person, primarily seeking external validation like a 'nod' of agreement. It's a form of self-armor where authenticity is sacrificed for perceived acceptance.
6 Questions Answered
For Sarah Cooper, these issues stem from a deep-seated competitive nature and jealousy, often leading her to hold back out of fear of losing. This was exacerbated by her upbringing as an immigrant's child, where a 'one shot' mentality fostered a fear of making mistakes.
Instead of rejecting these parts, one should accept them as aspects of oneself. Sarah found that loving and accepting her father for who he was helped her accept similar traits within herself, transforming a 'wall' into a 'bridge' for personal growth.
Instead of avoiding triggers, one can view them as signals that something deeper is at play. Exploring why a particular comment or situation evokes a strong emotional response can reveal underlying insecurities or unresolved issues.
The 'pick me girl' phenomenon describes a person who tries too hard to be chosen or liked by others, often by being inauthentic or minimizing their true self. Sarah Cooper illustrated this with an analogy of bruised apples seeking to be picked, contrasting them with confident apples that are content where they are.
The videos originated from Sarah playing around on TikTok during COVID, initially lip-syncing a Trump quote about forming a committee. The Lysol conference clip, where Trump suggested injecting disinfectant, went viral, leading to unexpected fame and opportunities in Hollywood, though it also brought immense pressure and felt like an obligation.
The fear of embarrassment often comes from assuming what others think, but it's a self-imposed feeling. To overcome it, one must realize they are the only one who can make themselves feel embarrassed. Avoiding self-abandonment means taking small chances and expressing what you truly want, even in tiny moments, to build confidence over time.
23 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Non-Attachment to Results
Work diligently on the causes (e.g., creating and promoting your work) but release attachment to specific outcomes, as you cannot control the results in a chaotic universe, leading to greater sanity.
2. Avoid Self-Abandonment
Even in small moments, like holding back a thought in a conversation, avoid self-abandonment; consistently honoring your true desires and self in minor instances builds confidence for larger situations.
3. Explore Your Triggers
When you feel triggered or strongly angry by something, use it as an opportunity to explore what’s truly going on within yourself and why it elicits such a strong reaction.
4. Accept Family, Accept Self
To open up and change aspects of yourself that you dislike, first learn to love and accept those same traits in your family members.
5. Embrace All Self Aspects
Instead of rejecting or pretending certain parts of yourself or your family don’t exist, strive to accept all aspects of who you are.
6. Cultivate “Don’t Pick Me” Energy
Instead of seeking external validation or begging to be chosen (“pick me” energy), cultivate a sense of inner contentment and self-worth (“don’t pick me” energy) that comes from being happy with yourself.
7. Identify Competition’s Root
Recognize that imposter syndrome and holding yourself back can stem from an underlying desire to compete and a fear of losing, which can prevent you from participating fully.
8. Hysterical is Historical
If you find yourself reacting hysterically or with extreme intensity to a situation, recognize that the strong reaction likely stems from unresolved issues or conditioning from your past.
9. Release Past Mistakes
Stop punishing yourself by dwelling on past mistakes; instead, accept that you acted as you were meant to at the time and focus your energy on future opportunities and attempts.
10. Always Another Chance
Continuously remind yourself that as long as you keep trying, there will always be another chance, fostering resilience and encouraging you to persist despite setbacks.
11. Daily Self-Awareness Practices
Engage in daily practices like meditation, therapy, sufficient sleep, and deliberate relationship work to stay grounded and remember to act for the benefit of others, not just selfish purposes.
12. Embrace Discomfort Regularly
Actively put yourself in situations where discomfort is unavoidable, such as public speaking or launching new projects, as a way to grow and challenge yourself despite fear.
13. Practice Cathartic Normalization
Be willing to admit embarrassing things about yourself, as it not only feels good for you but also helps others by normalizing shared human struggles.
14. Reframe Negative Comments
When someone expresses concern or negativity towards you, consider it a projection of their own feelings and respond with affirmation (e.g., “you’re perfect just the way you are”) to both them and yourself.
15. Journaling as Real-time Self-Check
When speaking, ask yourself, “What would I write about this moment right now?” to immediately connect with your true thoughts and feelings, breaking out of performative modes.
16. Gradual Pattern Reduction
When trying to undo old patterns, aim to do them less frequently and catch yourself earlier, rather than beating yourself up for not immediately stopping them.
17. Don’t Bank Grievances
In relationships, avoid saving up grievances or “banking” issues to use as leverage or to “win” in therapy or arguments, as this is a destructive pattern.
18. Lead with Calm, Not Fear
When in a position of power, strive to lead by making others feel calm and safe, reassuring them that things are okay, rather than using yelling or intimidation.
19. Own Your Embarrassment
Realize that feelings of embarrassment are self-generated, stemming from your own assumptions about what others think, and no one else has the power to make you feel embarrassed.
20. Aspirational Comparison vs. Envy
Engage in aspirational comparison (e.g., seeing something cool and wanting to achieve something similar) as a positive motivator, but avoid destructive envy.
21. Utilize Group Therapy
If you feel comfortable in one-on-one settings but struggle with speaking or taking up space in groups, consider starting group therapy to address these specific challenges.
22. Prioritize Personal Independence
Clearly identify and prioritize aspects of your personal independence, such as living alone, that you are unwilling to compromise for a relationship or marriage.
23. Deliberately Act Foolish
Intentionally engage in activities that make you feel foolish to overcome the fear of embarrassment and embrace vulnerability.
6 Key Quotes
My dad was absolutely terrified of any of us failing because he was walking the tightrope he and all immigrants walk feeling one wrong move and it would be over. That's not an environment conducive to taking chances. And that terror lives inside of me too. But my opportunity to take risks is actually my parents' legacy.
Sarah Cooper
If you're hysterical, it's historical.
Dan Harris
Even in the vast spectrum of blackness, I don't know where I am. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm a black woman or a white dude named Craig.
Sarah Cooper
Guys, guys, guys, let's just keep it calm. We're making a movie about a Pop-Tart.
Jerry Seinfeld
I'm the only one who can make myself feel embarrassed. No one can make, no one has that power over me. It's only me telling myself that other people think I suck. That's where all my embarrassment comes from.
Sarah Cooper
If you're out there thinking about every mistake you've ever made, don't. You did it exactly the way you were supposed to. Get excited about what you'll try next time because there will be a next time.
Sarah Cooper