Dan Savage On: How to Handle Disappointment in Your Relationships, How to Get Better at Sex, and Why a 'Couple' is an Illusion
Dan Harris interviews renowned sex and relationships columnist Dan Savage about navigating the complexities of long-term relationships. They discuss handling disappointment and jealousy, combating sexual boredom, dating in the app era, and why straight couples often struggle to talk about sex.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Dan Savage's Background and Entry into Sex Advice
Origins of the Savage Love Column and Podcast
Defining Monogamish and Navigating Jealousy
Evolution to Polyamory and Kitchen Table Polyamory
Challenges and Advantages of Non-Monogamy for Straight Couples
Combating Sexual Boredom in Long-Term Relationships
The Importance of Communication in Sex: Lessons from Gay Couples
Understanding GGG: Good, Giving, and Game
How to Get Good at Sex: Practice and Communication
Kinks as Superpowers and Cultural Shifts in Sexuality
The Sex Recession and Impact of Dating Apps
Societal Changes and the Evolution of Relationships
The Role of Urbanism and Housing in Social Evolution
8 Key Concepts
Monogamish
A term coined by Dan Savage to describe a relationship that is mostly monogamous but occasionally includes outside sexual experiences, or where partners acknowledge their individual erotic autonomy and desires for others, even if physically exclusive.
Zone of Erotic Autonomy
The understanding that one's partner is a separate individual with their own erotic imagination, fantasies, and internal life that doesn't exclusively revolve around their primary partner, even in a monogamous relationship.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
A type of polyamory where all partners, including those of one's primary partner, spend time together, share meals, and have a relationship, fostering a sense of interconnectedness within the broader relationship network.
A couple is an idea
The concept that a couple is a myth or a story that two individuals agree to pretend to be together, which can be revised, rewritten, and edited over time, reflecting an evolving narrative rather than a fixed entity.
GGG (Good, Giving, and Game)
An acronym for being 'Good' in bed (requiring practice and responsiveness), 'Giving' pleasure sometimes without immediate return, and 'Game' for anything within reason to meet a partner's reasonable sexual needs and desires.
Partialism
A sexual interest in a specific body part, such as a foot fetish. Dan Savage describes kinks like partialism as a 'superpower' because they can act as a 'sorting hat' to help individuals find sexually compatible partners and unique experiences.
Intimate Communal Strength
A term used by sex researcher Amy Mews, which Dan Savage equates to his GGG concept. It describes the positive impact on a relationship when one partner steps out of their comfort zone to meet a sexual need of the other, leading to increased closeness and care for both.
Sex Recession
A contemporary phenomenon referring to a decline in dating and sexual activity, particularly among young people. It is attributed to factors like the paradox of choice presented by dating apps, increased digital and physical distance, and women's increased independence from men.
7 Questions Answered
Growing up gay, sex was what made him different from his peers and family, forcing him to think deeply about its meaning and role in his life, similar to how other marginalized groups think deeply about what sets them apart.
He suggested the idea of an advice column to a friend starting a newspaper, who then challenged him to write it. He initially intended it as a joke, treating straight people with the same contempt gay people often received from advice columnists, but it quickly became an actual career.
Jealousy in open relationships is not a disqualifier but often a sign that more communication or reassurance is needed, indicating insecurity or that a partner might be taking things for granted.
Couples must first admit their boredom without accusation, then actively create new sexual adventures together by breaking routines, getting out of the house or bed, and surprising each other, as the initial effortless adventure dissipates over time.
Gay people are compelled to communicate about sex because there is no default setting like PIV sex, forcing them to discuss desires and boundaries, whereas straight couples can often avoid these conversations.
The four magic words are 'What are you into?' This question empowers individuals to express their desires and boundaries, leading to more fulfilling and diverse sexual experiences by fostering ongoing dialogue rather than assumptions.
The 'sex recession' refers to a decline in dating and sexual activity, particularly among young people. It is driven by factors such as the paradox of choice presented by dating apps, increased digital and physical distance, and women's increased independence making them less desperate to find a partner.
31 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Sexual Communication
Actively discuss sexual desires and expectations with your partner, especially in straight relationships, as this communication fosters intimacy and improves your sex life, even if it feels challenging due to fear of rejection.
2. Embody GGG (Good, Giving, Game)
Strive to be ‘Good, Giving, and Game’ (within reason) in your sexual relationships by developing skills, sometimes giving pleasure without immediate reciprocity, and being open to exploring your partner’s reasonable sexual interests, as this fosters connection and satisfaction for both.
3. Adopt Realistic Monogamy Views
Have realistic expectations for monogamy, viewing it more like sobriety (where one can ‘fall off the wagon’ and recover) rather than virginity (where a single transgression ends it), to help relationships endure and survive infidelity if it occurs.
4. Create Shared Adventures
To combat sexual boredom and rekindle the spark in long-term monogamous relationships, actively create new adventures and excitement together, rather than expecting it to be a default as it was at the beginning.
5. Love, Support, Let Partner Grow
Choose to ’love, support, and let’ your partner grow and change over time, rather than resenting their evolution, as this openness allows for falling in love with an ’entirely new person’ within the same relationship.
6. Embrace Relationship Disappointment
Recognize that disappointment is an inevitable and valuable part of long-term relationships; when it arises, choose to love, forgive, and move forward, rather than letting it derail the connection.
7. Discuss Boredom Without Blame
If you’re bored in your relationship, admit it to your partner by framing it as an inevitable consequence of chronology and time together, rather than an accusation of their failure, to open a dialogue about solutions.
8. Ask “What Are You Into?”
Initiate sexual encounters by asking ‘What are you into?’ to empower partners to express their desires and boundaries, leading to more fulfilling and consensual experiences.
9. Broaden Sex Definition
Adopt a broad definition of what counts as ‘sex’ (e.g., mutual masturbation, oral sex, fantasy play) to increase the frequency and variety of sexual experiences, leading to a more interesting and fulfilling sex life.
10. Narrow Cheating Definition
Adopt a narrow definition of what constitutes ‘cheating’ to reduce the likelihood of feeling cheated on, which can help relationships endure and recover from perceived transgressions.
11. Plan Adventurous Sexual Encounters
For couples unhappy with a sexless companionate relationship, agree to have sex once a week outside the house or bed, initiated by one partner, to reintroduce the excitement and risk-taking present at the beginning of a relationship.
12. Practice to Improve Sex
Recognize that good sex, including playfulness, intimacy, and foreplay, requires practice, skill development, and receptiveness to feedback, rather than expecting it to be purely spontaneous or instinctive.
13. Solicit Verbal Input During Sex
Become good at sex by not only reading physical cues but also actively soliciting verbal input and direction from your partner, framing questions like ‘Does this feel good?’ as a form of verbal foreplay to enhance the experience.
14. Prioritize Sexual Compatibility
View your kinks and unique sexual interests as a ‘sorting hat’ that can lead you to compatible partners and experiences you wouldn’t otherwise encounter, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing sexual compatibility in relationships.
15. Meet Partner’s Sexual Needs
In a committed, sexually exclusive relationship, make an effort to meet your partner’s reasonable sexual needs and indulge their fantasies, as this contributes to their happiness, connection, and contentment.
16. Question “Ew, Yuck” Reactions
When confronted with a partner’s sexual interest that initially elicits an ’ew, yuck’ reaction, challenge this knee-jerk response by recognizing that variance is normal in human sexuality, and consider if you can overcome your initial aversion.
17. Sit with Unfamiliar Sexual Interests
When a partner shares an unfamiliar sexual interest, pause before reacting negatively; instead, sit with the idea, consider it without shame, and explore if there’s any aspect you might enjoy, rather than immediately recoiling.
18. Accept Sexual “Price of Admission”
Understand that being in a committed relationship may require accepting that some of your sexual interests will not be fulfilled by your partner; if you choose to pay this ‘price of admission,’ do so without complaint and accept the relationship as it is.
19. Vary Sexual Routines
To reignite passion, break out of established sexual routines by changing locations (e.g., outside the house or bed) and surprising each other.
20. Appreciate Relationship Stability
Recognize that the natural dissipation of initial sexual adventure in long-term relationships is a positive sign, replaced by equally valuable qualities like stability, intimacy, and comfort, which you can then intentionally work to reintroduce adventure into.
21. Co-Create Your Relationship Story
Embrace the idea that a couple is a co-created myth or story, and actively work to revise, rewrite, and edit that story together over time, rather than viewing it as a fixed entity.
22. Embrace Relationship Evolution
Recognize that long-term relationships can and should evolve over time, as what works in early stages may not be suitable or desired in later decades.
23. Make Space for Others (Poly)
Understand that as relationships mature and become more secure, there may be increased capacity and bandwidth to include other people in your life, such as in a polyamorous structure.
24. Ensure Inclusion in Poly Relationships
In polyamorous or open relationships, ensure partners are not taken for granted or ditched, as jealousy can arise from feeling excluded or unconsidered, not just from sexual activity with others.
25. Explore Monogamish Relationships
Acknowledge that relationships can be mostly monogamous with occasional outside sexual experiences, or involve acknowledging desire and fantasies for others even if physically exclusive, as a potential model for your own relationship.
26. Communicate When Jealous
When jealousy arises in any relationship, view it as a signal to check in, seek reassurance, or communicate more, as it often indicates insecurity, thoughtlessness, or unstated assumptions.
27. Avoid Unsuitable Monogamy
If monogamy does not genuinely work for you, avoid making monogamous commitments you cannot keep, and instead consider non-monogamous options as valid and committed relationship choices.
28. Redefine Relationship Success
Do not define relationship success solely by its duration or ending in a ‘funeral home’; instead, consider a relationship successful if, after it ends, both parties can remain in each other’s lives and think well of one another.
29. Live Up to Your Best Self
In long-term relationships, strive to live up to the ‘Potemkin village’ (best) version of yourself that you presented at the beginning, as this process can help you become closer to that ideal self and strengthen the relationship.
30. Live Before Settling Down
Consider living and exploring life (like gay people historically did) before settling down into marriage and children, as this can prevent a midlife crisis and allow for a more self-determined life path.
31. Seek Diverse Interactions
Actively seek out interactions with diverse populations, such as by living in or visiting urban centers, as exposure to different kinds of people is a powerful way to open your mind and foster cultural evolution.
8 Key Quotes
What sets you apart, what makes you different, what paints a bullseye on your back in some cases is the thing that you wind up having to think about.
Dan Savage
Gay people know more about sex than they do. Because we think about it because it sets us apart.
Dan Savage
Monogamy is literally the only thing humans attempt where perfection is the only metric of success.
Dan Savage
A couple is an idea. A couple is something two individuals agreed to pretend to be together.
Dan Savage
If you're with somebody for 50 years and they cheated on you twice, they were really good at monogamy. Not bad at monogamy.
Dan Savage
When it comes to sex, people often have this reaction where they go, you know, somebody says I want to do or I'm interested in or this is who I am erotically. And if it's not something that you're interested in or who you aren't erotically, a kind of sex negative culture encourages you to kind of recoil and say, oh, yuck.
Dan Savage
I don't think a relationship has to end in a funeral home for it to have been a success.
Dan Savage
We are who we pretend to be to each other.
Dan Savage
1 Protocols
Combating Sexual Boredom in Monogamous Relationships
Dan Savage- Admit you're bored to your partner, framing it as an inevitable consequence of time together, not a failure on either person's part.
- Agree to have sex once this week.
- Do not have sex in your usual house or bed.
- One person must initiate the sexual encounter.
- Take a risk by finding a risky or dangerous location (e.g., a far-off conference room, a single-seater bathroom with a lock, a stairwell) to create adrenaline and excitement.