Do You Care Too Much What Other People Think of You? Avoid Conflict? Say Yes When You Shouldn't? | Dr. Ingrid Clayton, Fawning Expert
Dr. Ingrid Clayton, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of "Fawning," discusses fawning as a relational trauma response, its physiological impacts, and how power dynamics influence it. She provides practical tools and strategies to "unfawn," regulate the nervous system, and set healthy boundaries.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Defining Fawning as a Relational Trauma Response
Fawning as an Adaptation to Unsafe Environments
Fawning in Systems of Power and the Workplace
Chronic vs. Situational Fawning and Childhood Trauma
Dr. Clayton's Personal Journey with Fawning and Healing
The Physiological and Nervous System Basis of Fawning
The Pernicious Role of Shame in Trauma and Healing
Reframing 'What's Wrong With Me?' to 'What Happened to Me?'
Owning and Healthily Expressing Anger
Identifying Signs and Manifestations of Fawning
Practical Steps to Unfawn and Build Internal Safety
Moving Beyond Binary Thinking in Healing
Accessible Approaches to Regulating the Nervous System
Learning to Set Boundaries and Practice Vulnerability
Addressing Fawning in the Workplace Context
The Power of Being Seen and Self-Validation
6 Key Concepts
Fawning
Fawning is a relational trauma response where an individual appeases or caretakes others to lessen a perceived relational threat. It's an unconscious, reflexive survival instinct, an extension of fight, flight, or freeze, where connection is prioritized as a form of protection, especially when other responses are unavailable or make things worse.
Chronic Fawning
Chronic fawning develops when an individual, often due to insecure or unsafe connections with caregivers during development, constantly leans into appeasement as a survival strategy. This deeply conditioned response becomes a perceived personality trait, operating as a shield even when no immediate threat is present.
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma refers to ongoing experiences of relational threat, not just single events like natural disasters or car crashes. It's defined by the overwhelm in the nervous system and a lack of resources to cope, rather than the specific event itself, and can manifest as chronic fawning.
Hybrid Trauma Response
Fawning is a hybrid trauma response, involving both sympathetic nervous system activation (fight-flight energy, leaning into relationships) and hypo-arousal (collapse, submission, dissociation, disconnecting from self). These two states occur simultaneously, making it difficult for the fawner to recognize their own behavior.
Somatic Experiencing (SE)
Somatic Experiencing is a trauma therapy approach, developed by Peter Levine, that focuses on the physiological aspects of trauma. It helps individuals reconnect with their bodies and process trapped fight, flight, or freeze energy, allowing them to complete defensive responses and release chronic tension.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Internal Family Systems, or 'parts work,' is a therapeutic model by Dick Schwartz that views the mind as composed of various 'parts' or sub-personalities. It helps individuals connect with their whole being and understand how different parts, including those involved in fawning, operate and can be integrated for healing.
10 Questions Answered
Fawning is an unconscious, reflexive relational trauma response where an individual appeases or caretakes others to reduce a perceived relational threat, essentially using connection as a form of protection.
Fawning often occurs in contexts of power imbalances, extending beyond family systems to societal structures like patriarchy, racism, and classism, where individuals in less powerful positions may use appeasement to navigate perceived threats and ensure safety.
Chronic fawning is a deeply conditioned, pervasive response often rooted in childhood trauma, where the body constantly anticipates threat. Situational fawning occurs occasionally in specific circumstances, such as with a difficult boss, as a temporary survival strategy.
Shame is a significant barrier to healing, stemming from the initial relational wound, subsequent invalidation when trying to assert oneself, and the self-betrayal inherent in fawning, leading to a cycle of blame and feeling stuck.
Signs of fawning include befriending bullies, self-minimization in relationships, chronic conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, anxiety, shame spirals, shape-shifting to fit contexts, resentment from caretaking, a deep need to be chosen/liked, and even sexual fawning.
Unfawning begins by shifting focus from external validation to building internal safety, practicing self-attunement, and gradually taking small risks in safe environments to express one's true self, rather than immediately setting boundaries in high-stakes relationships.
Regulating the nervous system involves using the senses to become more embodied and present, such as deliberately noticing sights and sounds in the environment, or recalling memories of feeling safe and connected, which can induce similar calming physiological responses.
Healthy anger expression involves turning inward to notice and explore what one is experiencing somatically, allowing the feeling to be present without judgment, and potentially engaging in physical release like pushing against a wall to complete a thwarted fight response.
Effective boundary setting can start with 'modified boundaries,' where one communicates what parts of a request they are available for, rather than a simple yes or no. This nuanced approach makes boundary setting more accessible and less binary.
Those in power can foster safety by flattening hierarchies, self-disclosing to show vulnerability, being genuinely curious about others' feelings, and explicitly inviting disagreement or differing opinions, demonstrating that such expressions are valued and will not lead to negative consequences.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Inner Safety
Shift your focus from seeking external validation to building a sense of internal safety within your own body, as this is the foundational step before attempting to set boundaries or unfawn in relationships. Starting with external changes without internal safety can be counterproductive, making your body believe unfawning is unsafe.
2. Reframe “What’s Wrong” to “What Happened”
Reduce shame by understanding fawning as a “genius adaptation” your body developed to survive dysfunctional environments, rather than a personal flaw. This shift from “what’s wrong with me?” to “what happened to me?” provides context and validation, opening the door to healing and more choices.
3. Reclaim Your Life Force (Anger)
Allow yourself to feel and process anger as a healthy, vital part of the human condition, rather than suppressing it. To do this, place a hand on your own heart, get curious about the physical sensations of anger, and explore what it needs or wants to happen, building an embodied relationship with yourself.
4. Regulate with Sensory Awareness
Use your senses to regulate your nervous system by deliberately noticing what you see, hear, or feel in your present environment, bringing yourself out of autopilot and into an embodied state. Simple activities like walking in nature or listening to music can also be powerful tools for subtle movements towards self-connection and flexibility.
5. Embrace Healing as a Journey, Not a Destination
Abandon the binary thinking of “broken or healed” and recognize that healing is a continuous process of discovery, grief, and growth, not a finish line. The goal is not to eliminate fawning entirely, but to discern when a situation is truly dangerous versus merely uncomfortable, preventing your body from living in constant threat response.
6. Practice Self-Validation and Self-Seeing
Actively see, own, and name your own experiences and wounds, even if external validation from others is absent. This internal self-seeing is a powerful access point to release the hold of past experiences and foster a profound sense of self-connection.
7. Utilize Trauma-Informed Therapies
Consider engaging with trauma-informed therapies like Somatic Experiencing (SE), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or EMDR to connect with your whole being and build a relationship with yourself. Trust your gut feeling when choosing a modality and observe your own experience as you engage with it.
8. Practice Unfawning with Small Steps
Once you’ve built internal safety, begin practicing unfawning in low-stakes situations, such as correcting a waiter or expressing a dinner preference to a friend. These small, successful experiences provide experiential feedback to your body, building confidence for larger risks.
9. Set Nuanced Boundaries
Move beyond binary “yes” or “no” boundaries by considering what parts of a request you are genuinely available for. Communicate these modified boundaries with nuance, for example, “I can help, but I need you back by nine because…” to make boundary-setting more accessible and sustainable.
10. Practice Vulnerability with Safe Allies
Engage in vulnerability with trusted, safe individuals in your life to deepen relationships and practice bringing more of your full self to the table. You can explicitly state your intention to be more authentic and ask if the relationship can hold differences of opinion.
11. Cultivate Safety for Others
If you hold a position of power (e.g., boss, parent), actively work to even the playing field by being curious about others’ true feelings and creating an environment where disagreement is safe and valued. You can also self-disclose minor personal habits (like looking at notes) to reduce potential misinterpretations and foster trust.
12. Recognize Fawning as Survival
When you find yourself fawning, acknowledge that your body chose this response in a nanosecond to keep you safe, even if it wasn’t a conscious decision. This understanding helps to reduce self-judgment and shame, recognizing it as a valid, albeit sometimes unhelpful, survival strategy.
13. Visualize Safe/Calm Places
Use your imagination to recall or create memories of feeling safe and connected, as this can induce similar positive feelings and experiences in your body. Explore guided meditations for “safe place” or “calm place” online to access these internal resources.
14. Identify Fawning Tendencies
Reflect on behaviors such as caring too much about others’ opinions, saying yes when you mean no, avoiding conflict, appeasing, over-volunteering, or feeling resentful, as these are key indicators of fawning. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing them.
7 Key Quotes
Fawning is a relational trauma response where you either appease or caretake to lessen the relational threat.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
The body will always prioritize safety and survival. And we are relational beings, right? We're hardwired for relationships.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Wounding happens in relationships… but so does healing.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Shame is holding us hostage.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Healing is a process, not a finish line. There's just layers of discovery and grief and then more discovery and more grief or to put it in a more positive way, limitless opportunities for growth.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
If you can't be cheesy, you can't be free.
Dan Harris
I would rather have me in my own life than sacrifice that for a relationship with ultimately anybody else. Because it's not a real relationship if I'm not even there to have it.
Dr. Ingrid Clayton
5 Protocols
Unfawning Process
Dr. Ingrid Clayton- Turn the external focus inward to build a sense of internal safety from the ground up.
- Connect with your whole being using models like Somatic Experiencing (SE) and Internal Family Systems (IFS).
- Practice in low-stakes situations, like correcting a waiter or stating a dinner preference to a friend, to gain experiential feedback.
- Discern between true danger and mere discomfort when engaging in new behaviors.
- Understand that the goal is not to never fawn again, but to avoid living in a constant state of survival mode.
Healthy Anger Expression
Dr. Ingrid Clayton- Place a hand on your heart as a stance of self-compassion.
- Get curious about what you notice and are experiencing in your body, rather than what you think.
- Linger with the sensation of anger, noticing its location, color, or any associated memories.
- Allow yourself to feel the anger, recognizing it as a healthy, vital part of the human condition.
- Consider physicalized ways to release trapped energy, such as slowly pushing against a stationary wall to complete a thwarted fight response.
Nervous System Regulation Through Senses
Dr. Ingrid Clayton- Deliberately notice what you see in your immediate environment, coming out of autopilot.
- Pay attention to what you hear, including ambient noises, to bring yourself more online and embodied.
- Recall times in your life when you felt safe and connected, allowing those memories to emerge and induce similar feelings.
- Engage with activities you are drawn to, like listening to music or singing, as simple ways to foster connection and self-flexibility.
- Walk in nature or your neighborhood, consciously orienting to natural objects and colors, to return more regulated.
Setting Modified Boundaries
Dr. Ingrid Clayton- Move away from binary thinking (yes/no, cut out/keep in) regarding boundaries.
- Consider what parts of a request or situation you are genuinely available for.
- Communicate your availability with nuance, explaining any conditions or limitations (e.g., 'I can help, but I need to be back by X time because...').
- Use this approach to make boundary setting more accessible and foster community.
Practicing Vulnerability with Safe People
Dr. Ingrid Clayton- Identify at least one 'safer person' in your life.
- Initiate a conversation by acknowledging your past behaviors (e.g., conflict avoidance).
- Express your desire to bring more of your full self to the relationship and foster deeper connection.
- Ask if the relationship can hold differences of opinion or potential disagreements, inviting them to do the same.
- Be prepared to hold space for their differing opinions or disappointments, demonstrating reciprocity.