Don't Side With Yourself | Matthew Hepburn
Matthew Hepburn, a leader at Ten Percent Happier and host of the Twenty Percent Happier podcast, discusses how to apply meditative concepts to the workplace. He shares strategies for managing overwhelm, navigating praise and blame, handling work relationships and feedback, and integrating mindfulness into daily work routines.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Work as a Difficult but Rewarding Place for Mindfulness
Matthew Hepburn's Personal Experience with Overwhelm
Understanding Overwhelm as a Mind-Created State
Strategies for Interrogating Overwhelming Thoughts
Leveraging Relationships and Asking for Help at Work
The Generosity of Receiving Help from Others
Practicing Moment-to-Moment Awareness to Combat Overwhelm
Navigating Difficult Feedback and Workplace Relationships
Giving Feedback with Power Differentials and Honesty
Buddhist Perspective on Praise and Blame
Integrating Mindfulness into Daily Work: The Coffee Cup Practice
"Don't Side With Yourself": A Core Workplace Value
"Own Your Crap": The Power of Self-Awareness at Work
6 Key Concepts
Overwhelm as Mind-Created World
Overwhelm is often a 'palace constructed of thought,' a mental fabrication where the mind collapses multiple days of tasks into a single moment, leading to feelings of panic and fear. Recognizing these thoughts as mere perspectives allows one to choose whether to believe them or not, reducing the feeling of being stuck.
Thought as Perspective
A thought is not an absolute truth but one potential perspective on life that can be chosen or rejected. Even if a thought represents some truth (like a deadline), there can be other equally true perspectives that lead to creative engagement rather than overwhelm.
Asking for Help as Generosity
Receiving help from others is not a sign of weakness but an opportunity for others to express generosity, which is a foundational value in the Buddhist tradition. By accepting help graciously, one allows others to experience the well-being and freedom that comes from giving.
Praise and Blame (Eight Worldly Winds)
These are two of a set of eight 'polar experiences' (including gain/loss, pleasure/pain, fame/disrepute) that are unavoidable in life. The mind often craves praise and fears blame, but this obsession with outcomes can derail focus and creativity, undermining the quality of work.
Don't Side With Yourself
This value encourages openness and flexibility, even when holding strong opinions. It's about listening deeply to others, perspective-taking, and not being attached to one's own views, fostering a less combative and more collaborative environment.
Own Your Crap
This concept refers to having undefended self-awareness about one's own blemishes, weaknesses, or areas of struggle. Acknowledging these vulnerabilities can disarm others, open up dialogue, and foster trust in professional relationships.
8 Questions Answered
Overwhelm is often a 'mind-constructed world' fueled by thoughts that collapse multiple tasks into one moment. You can deal with it by recognizing these thoughts as mere perspectives, asking 'what else is true?' to find alternative, less painful viewpoints, and by tapping into trusting relationships for support.
Yes, asking for help can be seen as an act of generosity, as it provides others with an opportunity to give, which feels good to them. It also shares the burden, making challenges seem smaller and fostering collaboration.
Center the relationship first by affirming mutual commitment and trust. Check in about the timing and preferred method of receiving feedback, and express your positive intention, such as caring about the relationship itself.
It's tricky and requires thoughtfulness and care for your own well-being and employment. The goal is to build enough trust over time within the relationship so that honest and direct feedback can be given safely, always centering the mutual commitment to supporting each other as professionals.
View praise and blame as 'weather patterns' that come and go, rather than defining your self-worth or the quality of your work by them. Obsessing over these outcomes can derail your focus and creativity, so cultivate a balanced understanding that they are ever-present but not always dependent on your actions.
Integrate mindfulness by paying attention to small, ordinary actions, like reaching for a coffee cup. Noticing when and why you perform such actions can reveal subtle fluctuations in your well-being, allowing you to respond creatively and care for yourself throughout the day.
It means having openness and flexibility, even with strong opinions. It encourages deep listening, perspective-taking, and not being rigidly attached to one's own views, fostering a collaborative rather than combative environment.
It means having undefended self-awareness about your own weaknesses, struggles, or areas for growth. Leading with this vulnerability can disarm others, open up dialogue, and build trust, as it shows you are self-aware and not afraid to acknowledge imperfections.
27 Actionable Insights
1. Don’t Side With Yourself
When encountering contentious issues, actively choose not to automatically align with your own perspective. This practice helps in understanding others’ viewpoints and fostering resolution, especially in work contexts where ego can lead to entrenchment.
2. Work as Self-Improvement Dojo
View your workplace as a powerful environment for practicing meditative concepts like mindfulness, patience, and kindness. This allows you to integrate self-improvement into a challenging daily context rather than isolating it.
3. Thoughts Are Not Truths
Cultivate the skill to recognize thoughts as mere fabrications or perspectives, not absolute truths or universal laws. This allows you to choose whether to believe in and feed thoughts that might lead to overwhelm or misery.
4. Question Painful Thoughts
Use painful or stressful thoughts as an alarm bell for mindfulness, then actively question ‘what else is true?’ This practice helps shift your perspective and find alternative, less overwhelming truths about a situation.
5. Focus on the Present Moment
Combat overwhelm by focusing on the present moment rather than collapsing future tasks into a single overwhelming thought. Plan when necessary, but then return your attention to the immediate next few minutes, tackling one thing at a time.
6. Let Go of Compelling Thoughts
Practice recognizing when you’re absorbed in a compelling thought narrative, then consciously let it go and avoid feeding it. Redirect your attention to simple, present-moment sensory experiences to break the cycle of overthinking.
7. Don’t Define by Praise/Blame
Adopt an equanimous understanding of praise and blame, viewing them as transient ‘weather patterns’ that come and go, often independently of your actions. Avoid defining your self-worth or the quality of your life solely based on these external social feedbacks.
8. Focus on Work, Not Outcome
Recognize that an excessive focus on outcomes or potential social reactions (praise/blame) can derail your ability to concentrate and bring creativity to your work. Shift your focus back to the work itself to improve its quality and reduce anxiety.
9. Own Your Crap Undefended
Develop undefended self-awareness of your weaknesses, struggles, or areas for growth. This vulnerability can disarm others, open dialogue, and foster trust in professional relationships.
10. Share Burdens with Trusted Ones
Share your burdens and overwhelming thoughts with trusted individuals, such as a spouse or thought partner. Externalizing these issues through conversation can make challenges seem less daunting and provide relief.
11. Ask for Help Generously
Reframe asking for help as an act of generosity, recognizing that offering assistance often brings joy to the helper. This perspective encourages you to accept support graciously, allowing others the opportunity to express kindness.
12. Don’t Obstruct Generosity
Actively avoid obstructing others’ generosity and seek opportunities for them to express it towards you and others. This fosters a culture of giving and receiving, enhancing well-being for all involved.
13. Center Relationship in Feedback
When giving critical feedback, explicitly reaffirm and center the importance of the working relationship. This foundational trust helps ensure that even heated discussions can lead to solutions without spiraling into drama or resentment.
14. Express Positive Intention
Before delivering difficult feedback, clearly articulate your positive intention, such as caring about the relationship or the project’s success. This sets a constructive tone and helps the recipient be more receptive.
15. Check-in Before Giving Feedback
Before delivering critical feedback, ask the recipient if it’s a good time and place, and how they prefer to receive feedback. This gives them agency, levels the power dynamic, and increases the likelihood of the feedback landing well.
16. Build Trust for Upward Feedback
To effectively give feedback to those in power, proactively build a relationship of mutual trust and commitment. Centering this relationship creates a safe space for honest and direct communication, even across hierarchical divides.
17. Hold Strong Opinions Lightly
Cultivate the ability to hold strong opinions lightly, engaging in deep, authentic listening to understand others’ perspectives without defensiveness. This fosters a collaborative environment where ideas can be built upon, rather than debated combatively.
18. Practice Non-Attachment to Views
Practice non-attachment to your views and opinions, recognizing that rigid adherence and debate lead to suffering. Cultivate mental spaciousness around any given perspective to reduce internal conflict and promote well-being.
19. Be Cautious When Disempowered
If you are in a disempowered position at work, exercise thoughtfulness and caution when considering giving feedback ‘up the food chain.’ Prioritize your self-care and overall employment safety, as not all workplaces are safe for complete candor.
20. Evaluate Workplace Authenticity
Reflect on whether your current workplace allows you to be honest and authentic, as suppressing your truth can be detrimental to your well-being. If not, consider if you need to seek an environment where you can be real.
21. Integrate Well-being into Work
Strive to integrate well-being and self-care into your work life rather than compartmentalizing it for after-hours. A balanced work relationship contributes significantly to overall life satisfaction and reduces the need for ‘crammed’ self-care.
22. Mindful Coffee Cup Reach
Use routine actions like reaching for a coffee cup as a mindfulness trigger to notice subtle fluctuations in your well-being during the workday. This awareness helps you identify and respond to minor stressors before they escalate.
23. Attune to Subtle Well-being
By becoming attuned to subtle shifts in your well-being, you can proactively and creatively respond to minor stressors throughout the day. This self-allyship builds resilience and sustained energy, rather than only reacting to major issues.
24. Embrace Public Learning
Embrace public learning and the willingness to be ‘only okay’ when trying new things, especially in professional roles where you lack prior experience. This reduces self-imposed pressure and allows for growth without the burden of immediate perfection.
25. Combat Overwhelm with Trust
To combat overwhelm, relax into trusted work relationships, rely on your developed skills, and maintain a humble, growth-oriented mindset. This approach helps you navigate uncertainty and new challenges without succumbing to stress.
26. Openly Discuss Troubles
Develop the ability to openly discuss troubling issues with trusted friends, therapists, or even your boss. This helps in processing difficulties and reduces the pain of internalizing problems, even if it feels uncomfortable initially.
27. Tap Work Relationships
When facing challenges, intentionally adopt perspectives that encourage you to leverage your existing work relationships. This can lead to creative engagement and better outcomes by seeking help or grace from colleagues.
9 Key Quotes
Don't side with yourself.
Joseph Goldstein
Overwhelm is usually a palace constructed of thought.
Matthew Hepburn
The more overwhelmed I feel, it's usually because the more I'm missing the fact that these thoughts are perspectives that I can choose to believe in or not.
Matthew Hepburn
If you have a thought and you notice you're getting real stressed out, real worked up, it's like, oh, that's actually a really painful thought to have. That should be the alarm bell. That should be the mindfulness bell. And then you can simply ask yourself, what else is true?
Matthew Hepburn
May I never obstruct another person's generosity? And in fact, may I give other people opportunities to express generosity to me and to anybody else?
Matthew Hepburn
The thing that matters is the thing that we already talked about, which is centering the relationship first.
Matthew Hepburn
This obsession with the outcome and the social reverberations that will come for it undermine the ultimate quality of the work that I'm doing in the first place.
Matthew Hepburn
Work is where we spend a lot of our time. If we're going to try and put time into not tripping ourselves up so much, to being a little less anxious, to having our energy be a little more balanced, to feel a little more free, a little more generous, then work is a really, really rich area.
Matthew Hepburn
We never pay attention to something as ordinary as how and when we reach for our coffee cup. But often, if we pay attention, we'll see that we reach for it in order to soothe something that was on a very subtle level a little challenging for us.
Matthew Hepburn
1 Protocols
Giving Difficult Feedback with Positive Intention
Dan Harris- Recognize an issue with a work product or situation.
- Resist the mental habit of categorizing people as 'good' or 'bad'.
- Recall the importance of expressing a positive intention.
- Initiate a conversation by stating your care for the relationship and your desire to avoid internalizing the issue.
- Deliver the specific feedback.