Ethan Nichtern, 'The Dharma of The Princess Bride'
Ethan Nichtern, a longtime meditation teacher and senior teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, discusses his book "The Dharma of The Princess Bride." He explores Buddhist themes, particularly in relationships, using the movie as a lens to navigate life with "compassionately not knowing" and deconstruct societal myths.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Ethan Nichtern's Personal and Buddhist Upbringing
Early Meditation Experiences and Parental Influence
Navigating Parenting and Introducing Meditation to Children
The Buddhist Concept of 'Not Knowing' in Relationships
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche: Life, Teachings, and Controversies
Ethan's Journey to Becoming a Buddhist Teacher
Understanding Vajrayana Buddhism and its Practices
The Role of a Guru in Vajrayana Tradition
Why 'The Dharma of The Princess Bride'
'The Princess Bride' as an Optimistic Deconstructed Fairy Tale
Connecting Personal Trauma to Cultural Narratives
The 'Most Buddhist Line' and Authentic Presence
Applying 'Have Fun Storming the Castle' to Life
Challenging Rom-Com Myths with Buddhist Principles
Reflections on Marriage and the 'Real Buttercup'
7 Key Concepts
Dharma brat
A term for children whose parents are Western Buddhist practitioners, distinguishing them from those born into Buddhist families in traditional Buddhist cultures.
Prajna / Not Knowing
A Sanskrit term referring to a space of perceptive curiosity or 'pre-knowing,' where one is open to what might be without jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, similar to a beginner's mind.
Beginner's Mind
A concept, popularized by Suzuki Roshi, describing a state of being in the world that is perceptive, sharp, compassionate, and curious, yet willing to not know or be certain.
Vajrayana Buddhism
The third and often final body of Buddhist teachings, particularly in Tibetan traditions, which emphasizes 'taking the fruition as the path,' meaning one directly works with the view that awakened mind is already present, rather than a distant goal.
Rigpa
A Tibetan term meaning primordial or uncreated awareness, used in Vajrayana practice to describe working with the 'knower' of confusion rather than the confusion itself, to gain confidence in one's fundamental okayness.
Guru (Vajrayana context)
In Vajrayana or Tantra, a 'guru' is not just any teacher, but specifically the main teacher one works with on nature of mind meditations, visualizations, and mantra ceremonies, requiring a deep commitment.
Authentic Presence
A core concept in the Shambhala tradition, often synonymous with egolessness, which involves becoming increasingly transparent, tender, and available to the world through meditation practice, fostering genuine self-expression.
8 Questions Answered
Parents can introduce the idea that thoughts and emotions are related to but separate from the outside world, allowing children to playfully observe their thoughts, perhaps through exercises like imagining thoughts as party guests.
It refers to a state of perceptive curiosity, a 'pre-knowing' or 'before certainty' where one is open to possibilities without making assumptions, embodying a strong yet unattached awareness.
While widely recognized as a brilliant teacher and meditative adept, he was controversial for his heavy drinking, dalliances with followers, and sometimes outrageous behavior, which contributed to his early death.
Vajrayana's core principle is 'taking the fruition as the path,' meaning it views awakened mind as something already present within, and its practices are designed to directly engage with and embody this innate awakened nature.
He chose it because it's an optimistic, deconstructed fairy tale that challenges fixed narratives and rom-com myths about relationships, providing a playful and poignant cultural context for exploring Buddhist themes.
Fezzik's line, 'You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted,' is seen as the most Buddhist because it highlights the importance of becoming transparent and authentic with oneself through mindfulness, rather than creating new defenses.
It encourages approaching striving with joy and direct experience, seeing life as a 'cosmic joke' or a game, rather than something overly serious, while still engaging fully.
The rom-com myth promotes the idea of finding an external savior in a perfect partner, which contrasts with the Buddhist premise that nothing external can save one from dealing with their own heart and mind, emphasizing internal work.
11 Actionable Insights
1. Relinquish Relationship Expertise
Approach relationships by relinquishing the idea of your own expertise, as a relationship involves at least two people and true mastery is an oxymoron in this context. This fosters an open, non-presumptive engagement.
2. Cultivate Beginner’s Mind
Adopt a “beginner’s mind” or “not knowing” approach (prajna), characterized by perceptive curiosity that avoids assumptions and remains open. This applies to understanding both others and your own internal experience.
3. Practice Self-Transparency
Engage in mindfulness to become increasingly transparent and authentic with yourself, which builds presence, compassion, and confidence. Avoid using practice to create a new “mask” or defense mechanism, as this is counterproductive.
4. Work with the Knower
In meditation, focus on “that which knows confusion” rather than the confusion itself, to gain confidence in your fundamental okayness. This Vajrayana approach (Rigpa) views awakened mind as already present.
5. Dzogchen Hearing Meditation
Practice a Dzogchen meditation by closing your eyes, listening to all sounds, and then shifting your attention to “what’s hearing.” This helps to experience primordial awareness directly, rather than searching for a separate “knower.”
6. Introduce Meditation Playfully to Children
When introducing meditation to children, consider playful exercises like the “thought party,” where thoughts are observed as guests at a party. This helps them realize thoughts come and go, fostering a playful relationship with their mind.
7. View Life as a Game
Approach striving and ambition in life with a sense of joy and direct experience, viewing it as a “game” or “cosmic joke” rather than something intensely serious. This perspective can make challenges more engaging and less overwhelming.
8. Deconstruct Fixed Narratives
Actively deconstruct narratives that feel solid, whether they are cultural stories or personal beliefs, to reveal underlying assumptions. This Buddhist practice helps to understand how our views shape reality.
9. Commit to Core Buddhist Principles
Deepen your practice by committing to compassion, benefiting both oneself and others, and pursuing liberation from confusion through self-honesty. These commitments provide a foundation for advanced spiritual work.
10. Master Relationship Communication
The key to a successful relationship is finding and committing to a mode of communication that works for you and your partner. This requires developing trust and a willingness to engage in the process.
11. No External Savior
Embrace the non-theistic Buddhist premise that no external savior, person, or object will ultimately save you from dealing with your own heart and mind. True transformation comes from within.
5 Key Quotes
a relationship is relinquishing your expertise.
Ethan Nichtern
that which knows confusion cannot be confused.
Chogyam Trungpa (paraphrased by Ethan Nichtern)
life is pain, Highness, anyone who says different is selling something.
Wesley (quoted by Ethan Nichtern)
You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Fezzik (quoted by Ethan Nichtern)
Hello, my name is Ethan Nickturn. The six-fingered man was my father's best friend. Prepare to read.
Ethan Nichtern
1 Protocols
Thought Party Meditation
Dr. Galen Ferguson (introduced by Ethan Nichtern)- Imagine a thought coming in is like a guest at a dinner party or a guest at a party.
- Notice how they're dressed or what their behavior is.
- Observe them in a more playful space to realize that thoughts are something that come and then reside for a while and then go away.