Frank Ostaseski, What Death Can Teach Us About Living
Frank Ostaseski, co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project, shares profound lessons from decades of end-of-life care. He distills five "invitations" to live a life of integrity and presence, emphasizing the value of turning towards suffering and embracing impermanence.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Frank Ostaseski's Early Life and Path to Meditation
Transition to Hospice Work and AIDS Epidemic Front Lines
Founding the Zen Hospice Project
Insights from Bedside Care: Love, Regrets, and Transformation
Embracing Suffering and the Value of Difficult Experiences
Operationalizing Life Lessons: Conscious Engagement with Endings
The First Invitation: Don't Wait
The Second Invitation: Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing
The Third Invitation: Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience
The Fourth Invitation: Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things
The Fifth Invitation: Cultivate Don't Know Mind
Frank's Personal Attitude Towards His Own Death
Understanding Elderhood and Aging Gracefully
The Importance of the Body and Facing Life's Problems
The Practice of Gratefulness and Appreciating Life
Listener Question: Structuring Diverse Meditation Practices
Listener Question: Gauging Meditation's Benefits in Daily Life
8 Key Concepts
Impermanence
A central Buddhist teaching that all things come and go, constantly changing. Recognizing this helps us appreciate the preciousness of life and encourages us to live fully without wasting a moment.
Don't Wait (Invitation)
An encouragement to live fully in the present moment, rather than being caught in expectation for the future. It means not delaying expressions of love or important actions, as the future is uncertain and we may lack the capacity later.
Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing (Invitation)
A principle to meet all experiences, pleasant or unpleasant, with willingness and openness. It involves temporarily setting aside judgment to learn what each experience has to teach us.
Bring Your Whole Self (Invitation)
This concept suggests that wholeness is not perfection, but rather including all parts of oneself—strengths, expertise, but also fears and helplessness. These seemingly undesirable parts can often create empathetic connections and meeting places with others.
Find a Place of Rest (Invitation)
The practice of resting in the midst of current activity and conditions, rather than waiting for ideal circumstances or the completion of tasks. It's about bringing full, undivided attention to whatever one is doing, leading to a state of ease and restfulness.
Cultivate Don't Know Mind (Invitation)
This is not an encouragement to be ignorant, but to foster a mind that is open, receptive, curious, and full of wonder. It means not being fixed by what one thinks they know, allowing room for new understanding to emerge.
Terminal Anxiety
A term used in healthcare to describe the profound anxiety, restlessness, and sometimes paranoia that can occur when a person is dying. It arises as their body and sense of self undergo rapid, unfamiliar changes, and they face something entirely new.
Acceptance vs. Surrender
Acceptance is often just the beginning of a process, sometimes followed by chaos as the sense of self breaks down. Surrender is a deeper experience, described as an undertow, where one ceases fighting the experience and gives oneself over, leading to profound transformation.
8 Questions Answered
Frank initially sought meditation to avoid his own pain, after trying other avenues like 'sex, drugs, and rock and roll' that didn't work. Eventually, he turned towards his suffering, finding meditation to be the craft that helped him do so.
People often ask two main questions: 'Am I loved?' and 'Did I love well?' Everything else tends to become secondary as what truly matters becomes clear very quickly.
Mindfulness helps us go towards suffering rather than running away from it, allowing us to 'put our hands gently, mercifully on it,' which is where healing begins. It also helps us find common ground with others through shared human experiences like fear and helplessness.
A simple way is to consciously examine one's habits around 'endings'—the end of a sentence, a relationship, a meal, or the day—to become more aware of how one meets transitions. This practice helps cultivate attention and prevents sleepwalking through life.
The three biggest fears are that it will hurt, that they will be emotionally abandoned, and the loss of identity and roles they've played in life, which are stripped away by illness or gracefully given up.
Acceptance is often just the beginning, followed by chaos as the sense of self breaks down. Surrender is a deeper experience, like an undertow, where one ceases fighting the experience and gives oneself over, leading to profound transformation.
One approach is to have a primary daily sit (e.g., breath mindfulness) and a secondary sit (e.g., loving-kindness) before bed, or to do a round of a different practice at the beginning of the primary sit, or alternate practices daily.
Benefits can be observed through personal experience (e.g., noticing less intense reactions to stimuli) and feedback from others (e.g., being less annoying or easier to live with). The goal is not perfection, but reducing the 'half-life' of negative emotions.
49 Actionable Insights
1. Don’t Wait, Live Presently
Avoid waiting for future moments or ideal conditions; instead, live fully in the present, express your love to others now, and address important life matters without delay, as future capacity is not guaranteed.
2. Welcome All Experiences
Be willing to meet every experience without judgment or resistance, opening yourself to what it can teach you, as nothing can be changed until it is faced.
3. Bring Your Whole Self
Engage with others by bringing your complete self, including your fears, helplessness, and perceived undesirable parts, as these vulnerabilities can create empathetic connections and serve as a bridge for deeper relationships.
4. Find Rest in Presence
Cultivate the habit of resting in the middle of whatever you are doing by bringing your full and complete attention to the present moment, whether your mind is clear or confused, as this undivided attention creates a state of ease and restfulness.
5. Cultivate Don’t Know Mind
Develop a ‘don’t know mind’ that is open, receptive, curious, and full of wonder, allowing for new possibilities to emerge rather than being fixed by existing knowledge or assumptions.
6. Transform Life Now
Understand that the possibility for profound personal transformation exists in the present moment, and you don’t need to wait until the end of your life to achieve it.
7. Appreciate Life’s Precariousness
Recognize the precarious and temporary nature of life to foster a deep appreciation for its preciousness, motivating you to live fully, responsibly, and express love to those you care about.
8. Let Impermanence Inspire Love
Recognize the impermanence of loved ones as an inspiration to care for them deeply and love them with your whole being, rather than letting it lead to depression.
9. Care & Appreciate Now
Care for and appreciate all aspects of your life and possessions in the present moment, understanding that all things are impermanent and will eventually come to an end.
10. Reflect on Death
Engage in the practice of reflecting on death, as it is a central teaching of Buddhism that highlights impermanence and the changing nature of all things, including ourselves.
11. Turn Towards Your Suffering
Instead of comparing your pain to others’ or using their suffering to minimize your own, actively turn towards your own difficult experiences to discover what they can teach you.
12. Approach Suffering Directly
When faced with suffering, instead of running away, go directly towards it and engage with it gently and mercifully, as this is where true healing can begin.
13. Make Room for Suffering
Allow space for suffering in your heart and life, recognizing its value in fostering compassion for others, appreciating life, and understanding common humanity.
14. Investigate Difficult Emotions
During meditation, approach your difficult emotions not by running away, but by investigating them with a non-judgmental attitude and a sense of warmth.
15. Orient to Awareness of Fear
When experiencing fear, consciously shift your attention to the part of you that observes the fear, rather than being consumed by it, allowing you to respond from a place of awareness and reduce its dominance.
16. Expect Life’s Problems
Understand that having a human body and a heart inherently means you should expect to encounter problems and challenges, rather than being surprised or dismayed by them.
17. Focus on Love in Life
Prioritize love in your life, reflecting on whether you are loved and if you have loved others well, as these are the core questions that become clear at the end of life.
18. Address Core Relationships
Recognize that life and dying are fundamentally about relationships—with yourself, loved ones, caregivers, and a higher power—and actively work to address and nurture these connections.
19. Cultivate Faith and Trust
Develop faith by seeking inspiration (e.g., reading, meeting admired teachers) and then through direct experience, which builds trust in practices and in your own humanity.
20. Trust Direct Experience
Engage in mindfulness practice by trusting your own direct experience of it, rather than relying on belief systems.
21. Be a Spiritual Pragmatist
Adopt a pragmatic approach to spirituality, focusing on practices that are effective in everyday life for becoming a full human being, achieving freedom, and serving others.
22. Cultivate Attention & Reflect
Develop the habit of paying close attention to life and regularly reflecting on the reality of dying, viewing it as a life-affirming practice rather than a morbid one.
23. Be Conscious of Endings
Pay conscious attention to how you approach and experience endings—of sentences, relationships, meals, or days—as your habits around endings significantly shape how new beginnings unfold.
24. Practice Daily Reflection
Before sleeping, reflect on what inspired you, challenged you, surprised you, and what you learned about love today, to cultivate conscious living and set up the next day.
25. Ask “What’s Enough?”
Frequently pose the question “What’s enough?” in various aspects of your life, such as eating or possessions, to cultivate contentment and avoid overconsumption or endless striving.
26. Practice Gratefulness
Cultivate the practice of gratefulness by expressing, feeling, and appreciating your life and everything you have, as this helps in understanding what truly constitutes “enough.”
27. Care for Your Body
Take the best possible care of your body, as it serves as your essential vehicle and sensing tool for interacting with, knowing, and fully engaging in relationships with the world.
28. Live Fully, Be Awake
Strive to live every minute of your life as fully as possible, extending this intention even to your dying process, aiming to be awake and present for it rather than sleeping through it.
29. Seek Good Mentors
Find good mentors and examples in your life to guide you in confronting challenges and experiences that others typically avoid, as this can help you grow.
30. Create Mindful Atmosphere
Foster an environment that is mindful and compassionate, allowing for whatever needs to unfold to do so naturally.
31. Watch Self-Interest in Helping
When helping others, be mindful of the subtle line where your actions might be driven by a desire to alleviate your own discomfort rather than purely by their needs.
32. Prioritize Least Intrusive Interventions
When addressing someone’s distress, always consider and attempt the least intrusive interventions first, even if medication might eventually be necessary.
33. Offer Simple Human Kindness
Before resorting to more complex or medical interventions, try offering simple human kindness and companionship to see if it can have a positive effect on someone’s distress.
34. Sit Down When Afraid
If you find yourself experiencing fear, physically sit down, as this makes you less likely to flee the situation and helps you stay present with the experience.
35. Check Your Internal State
Continuously monitor your own breath, body, and emotions to understand your internal state, as this self-awareness provides a foundation for effectively working with and helping others.
36. Be a Compassionate Companion
When someone fears emotional abandonment, offer compassionate companionship by clearly stating your presence and commitment, reassuring them that you will not leave.
37. Do Not Impose Your Ideas
When interacting with others, especially about deeply personal topics, refrain from imposing your own ideas and instead focus on understanding their perspectives and how those views shape their experience.
38. Engage in Mutual Exchange
To embody true elderhood, engage in a mutual exchange of learning and wisdom with younger generations, moving beyond one-directional mentoring.
39. Embrace All Aspects of Aging
To age gracefully, mature into the fullness of life by embracing all its aspects, including disability, confusion, and the losses of self and loved ones, leading to a deeper acceptance.
40. Borrow Rhythm to Stabilize
In moments of fear or instability, you can find your own rhythm and stabilize yourself by closely attuning to and “borrowing” the rhythm of another person’s breath or presence.
41. Structure Meditation Practice
Dedicate your primary daily meditation session to your main practice (e.g., breath mindfulness), and consider adding a secondary, shorter session (e.g., loving-kindness) before bed to incorporate different benefits.
42. Start Sit with Loving-Kindness
If your primary meditation session is long enough, begin it with a round of loving-kindness (metta) meditation to integrate different practices.
43. Alternate Meditation Types
To incorporate various meditation styles without feeling scattered, consider alternating different types of practice on an every-other-day basis.
44. Focus on One Practice
To deepen your practice, consider focusing on one specific type of meditation (e.g., loving-kindness or friendliness) for a sustained period rather than trying to do everything at once.
45. Use Orderly Meditation System
Implement a structured and orderly system for your meditation practice to minimize doubt and uncertainty about which type of meditation to do or if you’re doing enough.
46. Use Others’ Feedback
Gauge the real-world benefits of your meditation practice by paying attention to feedback from people around you, as their observations about your behavior can be a reliable measure of positive change.
47. Reduce Emotion’s Half-Life
Understand that meditation is not about eliminating difficult emotions, but about reducing their duration and intensity (their “half-life”), thereby minimizing the potential damage they can cause.
48. Be Less of an A**hole
Evaluate the effectiveness of your meditation practice by assessing if you are less irritable, difficult, or unpleasant to yourself and others than you used to be, as this is a practical metric for real-world improvement.
49. Meditate for Better Life
Understand that the ultimate purpose of meditation is not merely to improve your meditation skills, but to enhance your overall ability to navigate and live life more effectively.
7 Key Quotes
We're always running away from our suffering and it smacks us in the back of the head. And I think the only safe place we can ever be with it is to go right up to it, you know, put our hands gently, mercifully on it. That's where the healing begins.
Frank Ostaseski
When folks are dying, what matters most gets really clear, really fast, you know. People ask me this all the time. Well, what does matter? ... The two questions that come up for people that I'm with are basically, am I loved? And did I love well? And everything else is extra.
Frank Ostaseski
It's not the activities that bring me joy. It's the attention to the activities. Now my pleasure comes from the coolness of the breeze and the softness of the sheets.
Dying patient (recounted by Frank Ostaseski)
There are lots of things in this world that we must face that we cannot change, but nothing can be changed until we're willing to face it.
James Baldwin (quoted by Frank Ostaseski)
The parts of my life that I was most embarrassed about, that I was most ashamed of, the most undesirable parts of me were oftentimes the very thing that allowed me to create a meeting place, a relationship with the people that I work with.
Frank Ostaseski
If we have a heart, if we have a human body, we should expect that we'll have problems. I mean, who told us otherwise, you know?
Tibetan teacher (recounted by Frank Ostaseski)
We're not meditating to become meditate, better meditators. We're meditating to become better at life.
Sharon Salzberg (quoted by Dan Harris)
1 Protocols
Daily Reflection Questions
Frank Ostaseski- Ask 'What inspired you today?' to understand the leading edge of your life.
- Ask 'What challenged you today?' to recognize growth outside comfort zones.
- Ask 'What surprised you today?' to reveal areas of excessive control.
- Ask 'What did you learn about love today?' to reflect on relationships.