From The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos | Being Here Now with Tony Hale
Dr. Laurie Santos and actor Tony Hale discuss how chasing the "next big thing" leads to unhappiness. Tony shares personal struggles with anxiety and actionable strategies like CBT, the "not now" technique, and present moment grounding to find joy in the everyday.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to New Year's Resolutions and External Pressures
Listening to the Inner Voice for True Happiness
Archibald's Next Big Thing and the Fallacy of Future Happiness
Tony Hale's Early Career Anxiety and Chasing the 'Next Big Role'
Lack of Satisfaction After Achieving a Dream Role
The Realization of Needing to Be Present, Prompted by Fatherhood
Utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Grounding
The 'Arrival Fallacy' and the Illusion of 'Enough' in Success
Tony Hale's History with Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Strategy of 'Doing It Afraid' and Observing Thoughts
Developing Compassion for the Anxious Voice
Connection Between Anxiety, Asthma, and Hypervigilance
The 'Not Now' Technique for Managing 'What If' Thoughts
The 'Five Senses Technique' for Immediate Grounding
Rope Bowl Making as a Form of Focused Meditation
Body's Resistance to Stillness and Hacking the Body with Thoughts
Committing to Presence Over Chasing Future 'Big Things'
4 Key Concepts
Arrival Fallacy
This is the belief that once you achieve a specific goal or milestone, you will finally be happy. However, the satisfaction is often fleeting, leading to a continuous search for the 'next big thing' rather than finding contentment in the present.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
A therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and change unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors. Tony Hale used CBT techniques, such as activating the five senses, to ground himself and stay present.
What You Resist Persists
A psychological principle suggesting that attempts to suppress or fight against unwanted thoughts or emotions often make them stronger or more persistent, like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.
Hypervigilance
An enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors aimed at detecting threats. Tony Hale experienced this due to family addiction issues and the unpredictable nature of his asthma attacks, contributing to his anxiety.
5 Questions Answered
This is often due to the 'arrival fallacy,' where individuals believe a specific future accomplishment will bring lasting happiness, but the satisfaction is often fleeting, leading to a continuous search for the 'next big thing.'
Instead of listening to loud outside voices about what you 'should' be doing, try to listen inward to your inner compass and what your body and mind truly need in the present moment.
Techniques include observing thoughts and feelings without identifying with them, practicing grounding by activating the five senses, and developing compassion for the anxious voice by acknowledging its protective intent.
The 'not now' technique involves acknowledging a fearful 'what if' thought, but consciously deciding to defer it, reminding yourself to focus on the present moment and what is happening right now.
Instead of fighting or resisting anxious thoughts, try to approach them with compassion, recognizing that the anxious voice often originates from a place of wanting to protect you, and by acknowledging it, you can dissipate its power.
18 Actionable Insights
1. Listen to Inner Compass
Instead of being swayed by external pressures and cultural voices, focus on introspection and pay attention to your wise inner voice to find what truly makes you happy.
2. Prioritize Presence
Recognize the importance of being present in your daily life to avoid checking out or disassociating from your experiences, especially during significant moments like raising a child.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
When feeling negative emotions or wanting to ‘check out,’ extend the same compassion to yourself that you would to a loved one, acknowledging your feelings rather than judging them.
4. Show Compassion to Anxious Voice
When your anxious voice appears, acknowledge it with compassion, recognizing its protective intent, and gently reassure it that you will proceed, which helps dissipate its power.
5. Observe Thoughts Objectively
Close your eyes for 10 minutes daily and practice observing your thoughts by labeling them (e.g., ‘image’ for pictures, ‘words’ for conversations) to gain a sense of control and distance from them.
6. Employ Five Senses Technique
To ground yourself and interrupt anxious ‘what if’ thinking, identify five things you see, four things you hear, three things you smell, two things you taste, and one thing you touch.
7. Use ‘Not Now’ Technique
When ‘what if’ thoughts or future anxieties arise, consciously tell yourself ’not now’ to defer those thoughts and redirect your focus to the present moment.
8. Act Despite Fear
When facing fear or anxiety, adopt the mantra ‘just do it afraid’ and continue moving forward, rather than waiting to feel completely peaceful or strong.
9. Divert Attention from Anxiety
When a panic attack or intense anxiety is building, divert your attention by engaging with your surroundings or asking questions to others, shifting focus away from your internal fear.
10. Surrender to Anxious Feelings
Instead of fighting intense anxious feelings, surrender to them by acknowledging their presence and reminding yourself that the feeling will eventually pass.
11. Engage in Focused Craft
Find a focused, hands-on activity like rope bowl making (or a similar craft) that acts as a form of active meditation, diverting attention and grounding you in the present.
12. Value the Ordinary
Shift your focus from seeking satisfaction only in ‘big highs’ or future accomplishments, and instead find joy and contentment in everyday, ordinary moments.
13. Maintain Self-Worth
Understand that your inherent value does not change with external success or achievements; avoid tying your self-worth to what you gain or accomplish.
14. Recognize ‘Never Enough’ Cycle
Understand that constantly seeking ’the next thing’ for happiness is like consuming sugar – it provides temporary satisfaction but ultimately leaves you wanting more, never truly fulfilling.
15. Embrace Grace & Compassion
Instead of filling your ‘shame closet’ with self-criticism, actively choose to fill your life with grace and compassion towards yourself.
16. Exercise Thought Choice
Realize that you have a choice in how you engage with your thoughts; you can choose to shift your focus back to the present moment even if it feels difficult.
17. ‘Just Be’ in Present
Commit to stopping the obsession with ‘big-ticket changes’ and future goals, and instead focus on simply ‘being’ in the present moment.
18. Bedtime Stories Ritual
Establish a ritual of reading bedtime stories, even children’s books, with a loved one to unwind and connect.
7 Key Quotes
The value you have before success is the same value you're going to have after success.
Tony Hale
It is never enough. If you don't wake up to what you're around, the sad truth, it is sugar. You have sugar and you're going to want more sugar and it's never going to satisfy.
Tony Hale
I've gotten to the other side and I've seen behind the curtain. You're still thinking that thing is behind the curtain and it's not.
Amy Schumer (quoted by Tony Hale)
Many times we feel like we have to be in this place of peace or strength in order to do stuff. And she's like, you know what? You just got to do it afraid. You just got to keep walking and do it afraid.
Joyce Myers (quoted by Tony Hale)
I've got two Golden Globes, but a third will be enough.
Jim Carrey (quoted by Tony Hale)
I hear you. I hear that. What if not now? Right now I'm having a great talk. This is where I'm now.
Tony Hale
I've never had compassion to that voice. I've never looked to the voice and say, Hey, I really appreciate you being here. I know you're trying to protect me and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I'm going to go out and do the show, but I'll be back.
Tony Hale
2 Protocols
Grounding with Five Senses Technique
Tony Hale (described as a common technique)- Identify five things you see.
- Identify four things you hear.
- Identify three things you smell.
- Identify two things you taste.
- Identify one thing you touch.
Compassionate Approach to Anxious Thoughts
Tony Hale- Acknowledge the anxious voice when it arises (e.g., 'Tonight's the night I'm going to lose it on stage').
- Express appreciation to the voice, recognizing its protective intent (e.g., 'Hey, I really appreciate you being here. I know you're trying to protect me').
- Reassure the voice that you will return to it later, but for now, you need to proceed with your task (e.g., 'I'm going to go out and do the show, but I'll be back').