1. Practice Compassionate Curiosity
Approach self-understanding with compassionate curiosity, asking “what happened to me?” rather than “what’s wrong with me?” to explore the origins of behaviors and foster self-awareness without judgment.
2. Implement Five Steps to Agency
Implement a five-step framework to gain agency over automatic habits: relabel thoughts as mere thoughts, re-attribute them to old brain messages, re-focus attention on a different activity, re-evaluate the habit’s true negative value, and recreate your desired life by envisioning it. Practice these steps regularly through written exercises to internalize them for when urges arise.
3. Inquire About Underlying Pain
When facing addictive behaviors or unhealthy habits (e.g., overeating, scrolling), shift focus from the behavior to the underlying pain or stress it temporarily relieves, then explore the source of that pain and alternative, non-harmful ways to find relief.
4. Practice Conscious Harm Reduction
When engaging in an unhealthy coping mechanism, do so consciously by acknowledging your stress and the behavior’s purpose (e.g., regulating yourself). This conscious approach can diminish the behavior over time and lead to seeking healthier alternatives.
5. Embrace Responsibility, Not Blame
Understand that past experiences are not anyone’s fault, but rather a result of multi-generational processes; focus on taking responsibility for creating healthier conditions in the present to promote healing, recognizing that understanding the past does not absolve you from current self-support.
6. Practice Adult Self-Reparenting
As an adult, take on the role of “re-parenting” yourself by consciously creating the conditions for your own healthy development and well-being, as your parents are no longer responsible for this.
7. Cultivate Bare Attention
Develop the capacity for bare attention—observing thoughts and impulses without judgment or agenda—to create separation from urges and gain clarity about your true self, rather than being identified with every impulse.
8. Explore Diverse Mindfulness Practices
If formal meditation is challenging, cultivate bare attention and mindfulness through conscious movement, walking in nature, breath practices, active yoga, swimming, or calming music to soothe the nervous system.
9. Prioritize Mental Hygiene
Treat meditation as essential mental hygiene, akin to dental hygiene, even if you don’t “feel like it,” recognizing its necessity for maintaining mental well-being and clarity.
10. Ask “What Do I Need?”
Regularly ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” as a fundamental re-parenting practice to identify and address your current emotional, physical, or psychological needs.
11. Distinguish Anger from Blame
Allow yourself to feel legitimate anger about past hurts, but differentiate it from blame, which is a destructive narrative. Healthy anger can be processed, while blame keeps you stuck.
12. Eat Properly for ADHD
If you have ADHD, be aware of the tendency to seek soothing from junk food, which is designed to be addictive. Prioritize proper nutrition to support brain function and reduce reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.