How Are You Contributing To What Is Not Working In Your Love Life? Hard Truths From Relationship Coach Jillian Turecki.

1. Make Peace With Parents

Make peace with your parents, metaphorically or directly, to prevent their influence from negatively impacting your adult romantic relationships, understanding that this process can be lifelong and doesn’t always require direct interaction.

2. Practice Skillful Self-Inquiry

Regularly ask yourself, ‘How am I contributing to what is not working in my love life?’ or ‘How am I complicit in the conditions I say you don’t want?’ to take responsibility and identify patterns in your behavior that impact your relationships.

3. Take Personal Responsibility

Take responsibility for your role in relationship dynamics by looking at your own patterns, beliefs, and fears, as this self-awareness is crucial for change and personal growth.

4. Love Is An Action

Understand that love is an action, a choice, and a verb, requiring continuous effort and decision-making throughout a long-term relationship or marriage, rather than being solely a spontaneous feeling.

5. Always Tell The Truth

Consistently tell the truth in your relationships, even when it’s difficult, to avoid building resentment and to maintain authenticity, recognizing that no relationship is worth keeping if you have to lie to maintain it.

6. Cultivate Self-Acceptance

Cultivate self-love, understood as self-acceptance, by holding yourself in high regard despite personal flaws and knowing you are worthy of love, as your self-esteem directly impacts the quality of your relationships.

7. Own Your Own Happiness

Do not expect your partner to be solely responsible for your happiness or fulfillment, as true fulfillment comes from within; instead, aim to add happiness and value to each other’s lives.

8. Tame The Monkey Mind

Recognize that your mind can be a ‘battlefield’ creating disempowering stories and narratives; practice mindfulness to become aware of these thought loops, question their truth, and tame your ‘monkey mind’ to prevent resentment and hurt.

9. Master Difficult Conversations

Learn and apply communication skills for difficult conversations, such as framing discussions to avoid triggering fight-or-flight responses and using phrases like ’the story I’m telling myself is…’ to foster understanding and keep the conversation productive.

10. Distinguish Lust From Love

Differentiate between lust and love by recognizing that initial excitement and idealization are often lust, while true love is built on emotional safety, respect, and trust that takes time to develop.

11. Slow Down New Relationships

Slow down in the early stages of dating and new relationships to avoid projecting fantasies onto a partner and to allow time for genuine connection, emotional safety, respect, and trust to build.

12. Be Your Own Savior

Understand that no one is coming to ‘save’ you; instead, focus on becoming self-sufficient by meeting your own needs, finding purpose, and establishing personal safety and financial independence.

13. Cannot Force Love

Accept that you cannot convince someone to love you or to stay in a relationship if they don’t choose to, as attempting to do so is emotionally imprisoning for both parties.

14. Sustain Best Self Effort

Continue to be your ‘best self’ and put in effort even after the honeymoon phase, maintaining self-care and not taking your partner for granted, to sustain a healthy and vibrant relationship.

15. Challenge Yourself to Grow

Build self-esteem by challenging yourself to do difficult things and consistently setting and achieving goals, as this provides a sense of accomplishment, autonomy, and increases your self-worth.

16. Monitor Your Self-Talk

Pay attention to your inner voice and consciously challenge negative self-talk, making an effort to speak to yourself with more respect and compassion, perhaps by envisioning yourself as a child.

17. Diversify Emotional Support

Avoid placing the sole burden of your emotional and mental well-being on your romantic partner; cultivate other confidants and support systems to share burdens and maintain a healthy balance in your relationship.

18. Avoid People-Pleasing

Avoid silencing your truth or people-pleasing in relationships, as this leads to losing your voice, inauthenticity, and resentment towards your partner for your own self-suppression.

19. Prioritize Physical Self-Care

Prioritize physical self-care, including exercise, movement, and adequate rest, to relax your nervous system, reduce discursive thought, and enable clearer thinking, which positively impacts your emotional states and relationships.

20. Self-Compassion Post-Abuse

If you have been in an abusive relationship, approach your past with great compassion and make it your mission to address underlying issues like self-worth, standards, and naivete to prevent similar situations in the future.