How Do You Love Without Being Attached? | Kevin Griffin
Dan Harris and guest Kevin Griffin, author of "Living Kindness: Buddhist Teachings for a Troubled World," delve into loving-kindness (metta) practice. They discuss the distinction between traditional metta and "living kindness," emphasizing non-ill will and practical application of compassion beyond formal meditation.
Deep Dive Analysis
11 Topic Outline
Introduction to Dharma Questions and Guest Kevin Griffin
Understanding Traditional Metta (Loving-Kindness) Practice
Kevin Griffin's Critique of Modern Metta Practice
Distinction Between Loving Kindness (Feeling) and Living Kindness (Action)
The Buddha's Radical Teaching on Non-Ill Will
Achievable Goals: Neutrality Towards Difficult People and Five Precepts
Reconciling Non-Ill Will with the Importance of Care
Caring for Others Without Attachment and Understanding Dukkha
Reinterpreting the Buddha's Emotions and Human Attachment
Self-Love Through a Buddhist Lens: Sobriety and No-Self
The Potential for Loving-Kindness Practice to Lead to Awakening
6 Key Concepts
Metta Practice (Traditional)
A systematic meditation practice originating around 500 A.D. that uses repeated phrases (e.g., 'May I be happy, peaceful, safe') to cultivate loving feelings. It progresses through categories of people (self, dear ones, neutral, difficult) and concludes with radiating kindness to all beings.
Living Kindness
Kevin Griffin's concept that emphasizes kindness as an action and a way of handling situations with non-ill will, rather than solely as a feeling. It suggests one doesn't have to constantly feel love, but can still act skillfully and compassionately, extending beyond formal meditation practice into daily life.
Non-Ill Will
A core Buddhist teaching that focuses on letting go of hatred and aversion. It is seen as more aligned with the Buddhist principle of non-attachment than actively cultivating a feeling of love, which can be impermanent and lead to craving, offering a more sustainable baseline for practice.
Dukkha
A Pali term often translated as suffering, discomfort, or unsatisfactoriness, literally meaning 'an axle or wheel on a bent axle.' It implies a feeling that things aren't right or a fundamental discomfort with existence. In Buddhism, it is fundamentally caused by attachment and ignorance of reality.
Care (as Metta)
Kevin Griffin's preferred translation for Metta, emphasizing it as an active engagement rather than just a feeling. It encompasses taking care of oneself and others through actions like feeding oneself, resting, exercising, or following ethical precepts, without necessarily needing to feel 'warm and fuzzy' love.
No-Self (Anatta)
The Buddhist concept that there is no permanent, solid, or coherent self or soul. By observing the contradictory and impermanent nature of thoughts, one can realize that thoughts are not who one is, allowing for a release from self-hatred and a more compassionate response to one's own suffering.
10 Questions Answered
While complete non-attachment in love might be an ideal, the Buddha's teachings suggest understanding the truth that attachment inevitably causes suffering. By having insight into this truth and holding it with wisdom and acceptance, one can experience pain without the added confusion and suffering (dukkha) that comes from not understanding reality.
Self-love can be reframed as self-care, focusing on basic daily actions like feeding oneself, resting, and exercising, rather than grading oneself or feeling deserving of love. From a meditative standpoint, it involves watching thoughts, realizing they are not who you are, and stepping away from self-hatred, which is an act of mercy to oneself.
It's a systematic meditation practice, popularized by Sharon Salzberg, where one intentionally tries to develop loving feelings by repeating phrases like 'May I be happy, peaceful, safe.' This practice typically starts with oneself, then moves to dear ones, neutral people, difficult people, and finally radiates kindness to all beings.
If loving-kindness practice focuses solely on cultivating a feeling of love, it can be problematic because feelings are impermanent. This can lead to feeling like a failure when those feelings inevitably fade, and it risks creating craving or attachment to the feeling itself, which goes against the core Buddhist principle of letting go.
'Loving kindness' often refers to the feeling cultivated in meditation, which can be impermanent. 'Living kindness,' as proposed by Kevin Griffin, emphasizes kindness as an active, skillful way of handling situations with non-ill will in daily life, extending beyond the cushion and focusing on actions rather than just transient feelings.
Non-ill will is the practice of letting go of hatred and aversion. It's important because it aligns with the Buddhist principle of non-attachment, offering a more achievable and sustainable baseline than constantly trying to feel love, especially towards difficult people. It's about not harming, which is a fundamental act of compassion.
The Vasudhi Maga, a commentary on Buddhist teachings, suggests that when practicing loving-kindness towards a difficult person, one can aim to simply make them a 'neutral person' by letting go of hatred, rather than trying to force a feeling of love. This is a more achievable and practical goal.
Following the five precepts (not killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct, or using intoxicants to heedlessness) is an act of compassion because it embodies non-harming. By refraining from these actions, individuals contribute to a communal act of compassion, making the world a less harmful place.
While the Buddha is sometimes portrayed as an otherworldly being without emotions, Kevin Griffin believes this portrayal might be an embellishment. The teaching is not about suppressing emotions or love, but about understanding how unhealthy attachment (needy, expecting things to stay the same) creates suffering.
Kevin Griffin believes that if done in its essence, as a practice of letting go of self and merging with a sense of oneness, loving-kindness can absolutely be a path to awakening. It is a practice of letting go of hatred, and if one avoids greed for the feeling and delusion of holding onto it, it addresses the core elements of greed, hatred, and delusion.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Understand Dukkha to Reduce Suffering
Seek to understand the truth of reality, particularly regarding impermanence and attachment, and hold this understanding with wisdom and acceptance. This approach allows you to experience pain without the added suffering (dukkha) that arises from confusion or resistance to reality.
2. Embrace No-Self for Mercy
Cultivate the insight that there is no solid, inherent self, recognizing it as an act of mercy towards yourself. This realization helps you stop taking yourself so seriously and reduces the basis for self-hatred and suffering.
3. Observe Thoughts to Counter Self-Hatred
Through meditation, observe your thoughts, recognizing their impermanence and contradictory nature, and understand that they are not your true self. This practice allows you to gain distance from negative self-talk and self-hatred, fostering greater self-kindness.
4. Engage in Active Self-Care
Define and practice self-love through concrete acts of self-care, such as feeding yourself, resting when tired, exercising, and seeking healthy ways to fill spiritual needs. This active form of “care” is a practical and achievable way to love yourself, rather than getting caught up in judging if you “deserve” love.
5. Cultivate Non-Ill Will
Instead of striving to feel love for everyone all the time, focus on practicing non-ill will towards others. This is a more achievable baseline for interaction, rooted in letting go, which is a core Buddhist teaching.
6. Apply Kindness in Daily Life
Apply insights gained from loving kindness meditation, such as the intention to handle situations with kindness or non-ill will, into your daily life beyond formal practice. This helps integrate spiritual practice into everyday actions, as insights are more enduring than impermanent feelings.
7. Prioritize Others’ Wishes
Practice living kindness by putting aside your own desires in the moment to do what others, especially those you care for (like children), wish or need. This active approach to selflessness is a direct way to practice loving kindness in relationships.
8. Adhere to Five Precepts
Practice compassion by consistently adhering to the five precepts: not killing, not stealing, not lying, not harming people sexually, and not using intoxicants to the point of heedlessness. These actions are fundamental acts of non-harming and contribute significantly to communal well-being.
9. Practice Traditional Metta Meditation
Engage in traditional Metta practice by systematically repeating specific phrases (e.g., “May I be happy, peaceful, safe”) for yourself, dear ones, neutral people, difficult people, and then radiating kindness to all beings. This structured meditation helps develop loving feelings and keeps the mind focused.
10. Neutralize Difficult Relationships
When facing a difficult person, aim to let go of hatred and view them as a neutral person, rather than forcing yourself to feel love for them. This is a more practical and achievable step than instantly cultivating love for an enemy.
11. Accept Impermanence of Feelings
Acknowledge that feelings, including love, are impermanent and will naturally come and go. This mindset prevents self-judgment and the feeling of failure when you cannot sustain loving feelings constantly, allowing for a more realistic and sustainable practice.
12. Connect with Nature for Kindness
Spend time in nature, observing elements like trees, birds, or clouds, to naturally evoke feelings of loving kindness. This simple practice can spontaneously trigger and foster feelings of warmth and connection.
6 Key Quotes
Even if your limbs are being sawed off by bandits, if a thought of ill will arises in the mind, you are not practicing what I teach.
The Buddha (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
I think to myself, why not put aside what I wish to do and do what these venerable ones wish to do?
Monk Anuruta (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
Born from Those Who Are Deer is suffering.
The Buddha (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
I'm not holding on to my life for you. I'm holding on to it for those Red Guards, because the karma for them would be just too terrible if I were to die.
Chinese monk (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
I don't want my kid to grow up and leave me because she's abandoning me, you know. That's really unhealthy, right? And that's the kind of attachment I'm talking about.
Kevin Griffin
It's an act of mercy, yes. I think that's right. You know, it's an insight. The understanding of how we create self is an insight. And when we have that and we realize that it's a creation, then we are letting go of the attachment to self, which is ending suffering. And ending suffering brings happiness, which is another way of talking about love.
Kevin Griffin
2 Protocols
Traditional Metta Practice (Loving-Kindness Meditation)
Kevin Griffin- Repeat phrases (e.g., 'May I be happy? May I be peaceful? May I be safe?') while feeling the breath in your body and heart center.
- Start with yourself (or an easy target like a pet).
- Move to dear ones.
- Move to neutral people (everyone you don't know).
- Move to a difficult person (often just one).
- Radiate loving kindness out to all beings, often in a geographical way (neighborhood, city, planet, universe).
Practice for Difficult People in Metta Meditation (Vasudhi Maga suggestion)
Kevin Griffin- Instead of trying to feel love for a difficult person or enemy, try to make them into a neutral person.
- Let go of hatred for them.