How Do You Love Without Being Attached? | Kevin Griffin
Guest Kevin Griffin, a longtime Buddhist practitioner and 12-step participant, discusses his concept of "Living Kindness," distinguishing it from traditional "loving kindness." He explores how to love without attachment, the importance of "non-ill will," and applying Buddhist principles to daily life.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Thorny Dharma Questions and Kevin Griffin
Defining Traditional Metta (Loving Kindness) Practice
Distinction Between Loving Kindness and Living Kindness
The Buddha's Emphasis on Non-Ill Will
The Impermanence of Feelings and the Challenge of Constant Love
Living Kindness: Applying Practice to Daily Life
The Radical Teaching of Non-Ill Will Amidst Extreme Suffering
Achievable Goals: Moving from Hatred to Neutrality
The Five Precepts as Acts of Compassion
Reconciling Non-Ill Will with the Importance of Care
Care as an Active Form of Living Kindness and Self-Love
The Suffering Born from Attachment to Dear Ones
Understanding Dukkha and Its Relationship to Truth
Distinguishing Unhealthy Attachment from Love and Care
Self-Love and the Illusion of a Solid Self
Enlightenment and the Practice of Loving Kindness
5 Key Concepts
Metta Practice
A traditional meditation practice, popularized by Sharon Salzberg, that intentionally develops loving feelings. It involves repeating phrases like 'May I be happy, peaceful, safe' and directing them systematically towards oneself, dear ones, neutral people, difficult people, and finally radiating to all beings.
Living Kindness
A concept that extends beyond the meditation cushion, focusing on applying Buddhist principles like non-ill will and care through skillful actions in daily life. It emphasizes acting with kindness and compassion rather than relying solely on transient feelings of love.
Non-Ill Will
A core Buddhist teaching that emphasizes letting go of hatred and aversion. It is presented as a more achievable and foundational practice than constantly cultivating a feeling of love, especially given the impermanent nature of feelings, and aligns with the principle of non-attachment.
Dukkha
An untranslatable Pali term often rendered as 'suffering,' but more accurately described as a feeling of discomfort or things not being right, like a wheel on a bent axle. It represents the pain of life, particularly when rooted in confusion about reality or ignorance of truth.
Unhealthy Attachment
A needy expectation that people or situations should remain a certain way, leading to suffering when change inevitably occurs. It is distinct from love or care and is identified as a primary cause of dukkha in Buddhist teachings.
7 Questions Answered
Traditional Metta practice, originating around 500 A.D. from the Vasudhi Maga, is a systematic meditation that uses repeated phrases like 'May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be safe.' These phrases are directed sequentially towards oneself, dear ones, neutral people, difficult people, and finally radiated to all beings, while connecting with the breath and heart center.
Loving kindness often refers to a meditation practice focused on cultivating feelings of love, which are impermanent. Living kindness, as proposed by Kevin Griffin, emphasizes applying the principles of non-ill will and care through skillful actions in daily life, beyond just the meditation cushion, making the practice realistic and sustainable.
The Buddha's core teaching is about letting go, and actively cultivating 'love' can create potential for craving and attachment, and feelings are impermanent. Non-ill will, in contrast, focuses on letting go of hatred, which is more aligned with the practice of non-attachment and provides a more consistent baseline for ethical conduct.
It is difficult to completely avoid attachment to those we care about, as 'born from those who are dear is suffering.' However, by understanding the truth of impermanence and holding it with wisdom and acceptance, one can experience pain without it becoming dukkha (suffering rooted in confusion), allowing for care without the unhealthy clinging that expects people or situations to remain static.
Self-love can be understood as taking care of oneself through basic daily actions like feeding, resting, and exercising, and by observing how one creates suffering through unhelpful thoughts. By realizing that thoughts are not a solid, coherent self, one can gain distance from self-hatred and direct care towards oneself as one would to any suffering being.
Dukkha is a Pali term that cannot be directly translated but refers to the discomfort or pain of life, often implying a feeling that things aren't right due to confusion about reality. It's like a wheel on a bent axle, signifying fundamental unease or suffering caused by not understanding reality.
Yes, Kevin Griffin suggests that if loving kindness practice is done in its essence, focusing on letting go of greed, hatred, and delusion, it can be a path to awakening or a certain kind of enlightenment. When radiating kindness, there can be a letting go of self and a merging that fosters a sense of oneness.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Non-Ill Will
Prioritize cultivating “non-ill will” as a baseline rather than constantly striving to feel love for everyone. Feelings of love are impermanent, leading to a sense of failure; non-ill will is a more achievable practice of letting go, especially on challenging days.
2. Act with Living Kindness
Apply insights from loving kindness practice to act skillfully and kindly in daily situations, even when not feeling explicit love. This shifts focus from fleeting emotions to consistent, compassionate behavior, making kindness a realistic and sustainable part of life.
3. Self-Love as Self-Care
Redefine self-love as practical self-care, engaging in basic daily actions like feeding yourself, resting, exercising, and nurturing your spiritual well-being. This approach bypasses self-judgment and the question of “deserving” love, offering a tangible path to self-kindness.
4. Prioritize Others’ Needs
Practice “living kindness” by consciously setting aside your own desires to fulfill the needs or wishes of others, such as family members. This transforms everyday interactions into acts of compassion, integrating spiritual practice into the fabric of daily life.
5. Question Self-Hating Thoughts
Observe your thoughts in meditation to realize they are not your true self, allowing you to disengage from unhelpful or self-hating mental narratives. Gaining distance from contradictory thoughts reveals their impermanent nature, fostering self-kindness by not identifying with negative self-images.
6. Self-Mercy Through Non-Self
Practice self-mercy by recognizing the absence of a solid, inherent self, thereby letting go of the need to hate or be angry at yourself. This insight into the constructed nature of self allows for detachment from self-attachment, leading to an end of suffering and increased happiness.
7. Attachment Causes Suffering
Cultivate insight into the truth that attachment to people, especially expecting them to remain unchanged or never leave, inevitably leads to suffering (dukkha). Understanding this reality with wisdom and acceptance enables you to experience pain without the deeper, confused suffering of dukkha.
8. Distinguish Pain from Dukkha
Differentiate between natural physical or mental pain and “dukkha,” which is a deeper suffering stemming from confusion about reality. Recognizing this distinction allows you to hold difficult experiences with greater clarity and acceptance, mitigating the added burden of confused suffering.
9. Systematic Metta Practice
Engage in a traditional metta meditation by systematically repeating phrases (e.g., “May I be happy, peaceful, safe”) for yourself and others, feeling the breath in your heart, and radiating kindness. This intentional practice helps cultivate loving feelings and provides a focused method for the mind during meditation.
10. Neutralize Difficult People
When practicing metta towards difficult individuals, aim to reduce hatred and perceive them as “neutral people” rather than forcing feelings of love. This offers a more achievable and realistic step towards reducing ill will when direct love feels impossible.
11. Beyond Cushion Metta
Understand that the feelings cultivated during formal metta meditation are impermanent and the true challenge is integrating these qualities into daily life. This distinction helps avoid disappointment when feelings fade and encourages the application of metta principles beyond the meditation cushion.
12. Ethical Living is Compassion
Recognize that adhering to basic ethical guidelines, such as the five precepts (non-harming, not stealing, lying, sexual misconduct, or heedless intoxication), is an act of compassion. These actions contribute significantly to communal well-being by preventing harm, making them a fundamental part of spiritual practice.
13. Instinctive Care for Suffering
Respond to suffering, whether your own or others’, with a spontaneous, non-attached act of care, similar to helping someone who has fallen. This approach bypasses self-judgment or attachment, allowing for a natural and compassionate response to any being’s need.
14. Radiate Universal Kindness
Practice a non-dualistic form of metta by imagining beaming rays of love from your entire being outwards in all directions, encompassing and holding the world. This practice fosters a sense of oneness and a letting go of self, moving beyond individual projections to a more expansive form of kindness.
15. Nature Evokes Kindness
Connect with nature—observing trees, listening to birds, or watching clouds—to naturally evoke feelings of loving kindness. Nature provides a powerful and accessible trigger for spontaneous feelings of metta, integrating spiritual connection into everyday experiences.
16. Avoid Clinging to Metta Feelings
Be cautious of developing greed for the pleasant feelings experienced during metta practice or clinging to the idea of constantly feeling love. The essence of metta is letting go of greed, hatred, and delusion; attachment to feelings can hinder true awakening.
4 Key Quotes
Even if your limbs are being sawed off by bandits, if a thought of ill will arises in the mind, you are not practicing what I teach.
Buddha (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
I'm not holding on to my life for you. I'm holding on to it for those Red Guards, because the karma for them would be just too terrible if I were to die.
Chinese monk (as recounted by Kevin Griffin)
I think to myself, why not put aside what I wish to do and do what these venerable ones wish to do?
Monk Anuruddha (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
Born from Those Who Are Deer is suffering.
Buddha (as quoted by Kevin Griffin)
1 Protocols
Traditional Metta Practice
Kevin Griffin- Repeat phrases such as 'May I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be safe' (or variations).
- Go through different categories of people: starting with the self (or an easier target like a pet), then dear ones, then neutral people, then difficult people (often picking one).
- Connect with the feeling of the breath in your body and heart center.
- After going through categories, radiate loving kindness out to all beings, imagining it spreading geographically (neighborhood, city, planet, universe).