How Thinking About Death Can Improve Your Life | Alua Arthur
Alua Arthur, a death doula and former attorney, shares how confronting mortality can profoundly enhance life. She discusses preparing for one's own death through practical steps and meditations, and how to authentically support those grieving, ultimately using death as a powerful motivator for living fully.
Deep Dive Analysis
21 Topic Outline
Introduction to Death Doulas and Their Role
Personal Transformation Through Death Work
Societal Perception of Death as Failure
Overcoming the Fear of Death
Alua's Personal Approach to a Terminal Diagnosis
Practices for Preparing for Death and Living Fully
Dehydration as an Analgesic at End-of-Life
Observations of Peace in the Dying Process
Imagining an Ideal Death
Views on Reincarnation and Enlightenment
Critique of 'Healing' as a Weapon Against Self
The Importance of Open Communication About Death
Navigating Relationships and Forgiveness Before Death
The Problematic Nature of 'Hope' at End-of-Life
Surprising Beauty and Joy in Death
Alua's Recovery from Depression Through Death Work
Five Steps for Confronting One's Own Death
Medical Intervention and Vulnerable Populations at End-of-Life
Supporting Grieving Individuals
Death Meditation Practices
The 'Dying Things' Exercise and Impermanence
4 Key Concepts
Death Doula
A death doula is a professional who offers non-medical and holistic care and support for a dying person and their support circle throughout the end-of-life process, acting as an advocate, friend, and companion.
Dehydration as Analgesic
At the end of life, dehydration can serve an analgesic effect, meaning it can help to numb pain, which can be a supportive aspect of the dying process.
Healing as a Weapon
This concept describes how the idea of 'healing' can sometimes be used against oneself, fostering a belief that one is broken and needs fixing, rather than recognizing inherent wholeness and working on difficult aspects without self-condemnation.
Impermanence (Sati)
A core Buddhist concept, also known as mindfulness or recollecting, which involves tuning into the constant change and eventual death of everything around us, including our own bodies. This awareness can 'revivify' life by grounding one in the present moment.
8 Questions Answered
A death doula is someone who offers all the non-medical and holistic care and support for the dying person and their circle of support through the process of dying.
Being present for death serves as a constant reminder and invitation to live fully while still alive, prompting the doula to fill their life and body as much as possible because life is finite.
People are scared of death because they don't know what dying will feel like, and the brain, whose job is to experience consciousness, finds it very difficult to imagine not doing so anymore.
Imagining your ideal death, filled with sensory details, creates a peaceful ideal that can soothe the nervous system and ground the experience in the body, making the process of dying feel less scary.
Alua Arthur has no idea if reincarnation is true and would personally prefer to be 'one and done,' but she is okay with the idea that we might keep circling around each other.
Unrealistic hope for a miracle or a cure at the end of life can lead to profound disappointment; it's more effective to hope for achievable things, like seeing a grandchild's birthday, while simultaneously preparing for death.
It can be beautiful, filled with joy, love, and vulnerability, as people often show the best of humanity, hold each other, say their goodbyes, and feel cared for and loved.
Instead of offering platitudes or trying to fix their pain, simply be present, acknowledge your discomfort, and offer to listen or talk about whatever they need to, trusting their capacity to walk through the experience.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Practice Deathbed Decision-Making
When making a decision, look at it from your deathbed and ask if you’ll be happy you did it, sad you didn’t, or if it will matter at all, to gain clarity on who you want to be and how you want to show up for your life.
2. Confront Death in Mirror
Look deeply into your own eyes in a mirror and repeat “I’m going to die” a couple of times, then be present with whatever feelings arise, as this can be a stress reliever and provide greater perspective on life itself.
3. Heal Relationships, Speak Unsaid
Say all the things that need to be said and make peace with the things that don’t, consciously choosing which relationships to address and which to accept as they are, so you can be okay with those choices if you were to die.
4. Get End-of-Life Affairs in Order
Create an advanced plan detailing who handles your affairs, your desires for life support, what you want done with your body, services, possessions (including small items like sock drawers), and dependents, and gather all biographical and financial documents to ease the burden on loved ones.
5. Imagine Your Ideal Death
Get granular in thinking about how you want to die, filling it with sensory details like what it feels like, smells like, who’s there, what you’re wearing, and the setting, to create a peaceful ideal that soothes your nervous system.
6. Meet Your Deathbed Self
Imagine yourself on your deathbed and reflect on the life you’ve lived, considering what your body and face tell, then identify the gap between that vision and who you are today to prioritize your current life.
7. Practice Nine-Part Death Meditation
Engage in a nine-part death meditation, based on the contemplations of dying, which systematically walks you through the body shutting down and the end of consciousness, to re-engage with life and reduce anxiety.
8. Address Unfinished Living Business
Identify and pursue “bucket list” items, both grand and small, such as taking a trip or enjoying a favorite childhood treat, to ensure you are not waiting for something when death arrives and feel fully present in your life.
9. Explore Afterlife Beliefs
Get clear on your personal beliefs about what happens after you die, even if it’s “I don’t know,” as this can allow you to sit with greater ease about the potential and address a major fear around death.
10. Practice “Dying Things” Exercise
Look around from your current vantage point and count how many things are dying or already dead, including your own body, to consistently tune into impermanence and appreciate the living that’s occurring at the same time.
11. Support Grieving People Mindfully
When talking to someone grieving, be present with your discomfort rather than offering platitudes, and simply state “I’m here for you, I don’t know what to say” to create space for them to share what they need without trying to fix their pain.
12. Balance Hope with Reality
Hold hope for positive outcomes, such as making it to a specific event, but do not hope for a miracle that blinds you to the possibility of death; instead, prepare for the end of life simultaneously.
13. Embrace Wholeness, Seek Improvement
Recognize that you are whole and not broken, even while working on aspects of yourself that are difficult for others, to avoid constantly feeling in a state of needing to be fixed and instead appreciate your present wholeness.
14. Confront Fear Directly
When experiencing fear, ask “What are you scared of?” to identify its root, as directly looking at fear can numb its sting and provide greater perspective.
15. Prioritize Rest in Life
Prioritize rest, such as taking naps, even when faced with the adage “you can sleep when you’re dead,” because feeling rested is important for living fully and feeling comfortable in your life.
16. Openly Discuss Death
Talk about death without fear, understanding that discussing it will not cause it to happen prematurely, and it is a natural part of life that can make us feel good and upgrade our lives right now.
6 Key Quotes
Because by virtue of being present for and around death so much, it's a constant reminder and invitation that I'm still living.
Alua Arthur
It's not a failure. It's not a failure of the body, of the human, of anybody. It's just how it goes.
Alua Arthur
Talking about sex won't make you pregnant. Talking about death won't make you dead.
Alua Arthur
I feel most alive when I'm talking to people about their death.
Alua Arthur
Hope is such a fucked up thing.
Alua Arthur
You're perfect, and you could use a little improvement.
Zen master (quoted by Dan Harris)
2 Protocols
Practices for Preparing for Death and Living Fully
Alua Arthur- When making a decision, look at it from your deathbed: will you be happy you did it, sad you didn't, or will it matter at all?
- Look in the mirror, deep into your own eyeballs, and repeat 'I'm going to die' a couple of times to be present with whatever it brings up.
- Get granular in thinking about how you want to die, filling it with as much sensory detail as possible (feel, smell, who's there, what you're wearing, time of day, location, lighting).
- Imagine yourself on your deathbed, scanning your body to see what it has held and endured, and then think about what's in the gap between who you want to see and where you are today.
- Engage in the 'dying things exercise' by looking around and counting how many things are dying or already dead, including your own body.
- Practice death meditations, such as the nine-part death meditation based on the nine contemplations of dying, to intellectually walk through the body shutting down and the end of consciousness.
Five Steps for Confronting One's Own Death
Alua Arthur- Healing your relationships: Say all the things that need to be said and make peace with the things that don't.
- Getting your affairs in order: Have an advanced plan that clearly states who handles your affairs, your desires for life support, what you want done with your body, services, and possessions (including small items like a sock drawer). Gather all biographical documents (birth certificates, passports, etc.) and organize your finances (bank accounts, beneficiaries).
- Creating the deathbed: Deliberately decide who you want surrounding you, what you want to be wearing, how you want the room to smell, and other granular details to make the experience feel as good as possible.
- Exploring consciousness and the afterlife, if any: Get clear on what your beliefs are about what happens after you die, as this can help ease fears about the potential unknown.
- Unfinished business of living: Address your 'bucket list' items, which can include big trips, but also small, meaningful things like a specific chocolate milkshake or teaching a grandchild a skill.