How Thinking About Death Can Improve Your Life | Alua Arthur
Alua Arthur, a former attorney and death doula, discusses how confronting mortality can be a powerful motivator and stress reliever. She shares extraordinary insights on living a more authentic and fulfilling life by preparing for death.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Death Doulas and Mortality's Benefits
Alua Arthur's Path to Becoming a Death Doula
Defining the Role of a Death Doula
How Proximity to Death Enriches Life
Death as a Natural Process, Not a Failure
Understanding and Addressing the Fear of Death
Personal Readiness for a Terminal Diagnosis
Practices for Living Fully by Contemplating Death
Reconciling Fear and Finding Peace at Life's End
The Utility of Imagining One's Ideal Death
Perspectives on Reincarnation and Enlightenment
Rethinking 'Healing' and Embracing Wholeness
The Power of Open Communication and Unsaid Things
Navigating Hope at the End of Life
The Unexpected Beauty Found in Death
Alua's Journey from Depression through Death Work
Five Steps for Confronting One's Own Death
Supporting the Grieving and the 'Dying Things' Exercise
5 Key Concepts
Death Doula
A professional who provides non-medical, holistic care and support to dying individuals and their loved ones. This role involves listening, offering resources, advocating, and being a companion through the end-of-life process.
Sati (Mindfulness)
An ancient word, often translated as mindfulness, which refers to the self-awareness that prevents one from being controlled by emotions. Its original meaning is 'remembering' or 'recollecting,' highlighting the practice of recalling important lessons.
Deathbed Perspective
A decision-making framework where an individual considers current choices from the viewpoint of their future deathbed. This practice helps clarify whether a decision will lead to happiness, regret, or be inconsequential, guiding them toward actions aligned with their desired life.
Nine Contemplations of Dying
Universal truths about life and death, originally from an 11th-century Buddhist scholar, developed into a meditation series. This practice guides individuals through imagining the body's shutdown and the end of consciousness to foster re-engagement with life and reduce anxiety.
Dying Things Exercise
A practice of observing one's immediate environment to identify and count items that are dying or already dead, including one's own body. This exercise aims to cultivate an awareness of impermanence, which in turn can deepen appreciation for life.
10 Questions Answered
A death doula offers non-medical, holistic care and support to dying individuals and their loved ones, providing services like listening, offering resources, advocating, and being a companion through the end-of-life process.
Being present for and around death serves as a constant reminder to live fully, act as a powerful motivator, and can be a stress reliever by putting daily worries into perspective.
People fear death because it's an unknown experience, the brain struggles to imagine the absence of consciousness, and society often frames death as a failure rather than a natural part of life's cycle.
Often, individuals, especially in hospice care, begin to reconcile their lives with their deaths, leading to a sense of peace and readiness, particularly when death comes at the end of a long disease process.
Dehydration at the end of life can have an analgesic effect, helping to numb pain and provide a degree of comfort to the dying person.
Alua Arthur has no definitive idea about what's on the other side, but she observes that people's faces often look peaceful as they are dying, which she finds notable.
It's crucial to communicate important feelings and address relationship issues because life is finite, and one should strive to be at peace with their choices and relationships if they were to die suddenly.
Hope becomes problematic when it's solely directed towards a miracle cure, leading to deep disappointment. A more effective approach is to hope for specific, achievable goals like attending an event or dying gracefully, while also preparing for the end.
Death can be beautiful, as it often brings out the best in humans, fostering intimacy, vulnerability, and love among those involved, especially when the dying person feels cared for and loved.
The best way is to be present with their discomfort and avoid offering platitudes or trying to fix their pain. Instead, simply sit with them, acknowledge their feelings, and offer an open, non-judgmental space for them to express themselves.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Meet Desired Self on Deathbed
Envision the version of yourself you want to meet on your deathbed, then identify the gap between that ideal and your current self. This exercise helps prioritize your life now, guiding actions to become that desired self.
2. Decision-Making from Deathbed
When making significant life decisions, consider how you will feel about that choice from your deathbed. This perspective helps clarify what truly matters and who you want to be.
3. Detailed Ideal Death Visualization
Visualize your ideal death with as much sensory detail as possible, including feelings, smells, people present, clothing, and environment. Creating a tangible, peaceful ideal can soothe your nervous system and make the process less scary.
4. Death as Powerful Motivator
Recognize that death is a powerful motivator because the finitude of time makes things matter. Embracing this perspective can encourage you to live fully and make a difference.
5. Talk About Death
Engage in conversations about death, as doing so can make you feel good and genuinely upgrade your life right now. It’s not going to make death happen sooner just by speaking about it.
6. Consistently Be Aware of Death
Maintain a consistent awareness that you are going to die. This practice can serve as a stress reliever by putting daily worries into perspective and reducing the sting of fear.
7. Confront Fears Directly
Directly confront your fears rather than avoiding them. Looking at fears head-on, like exposure therapy, can gradually numb them and take away their power.
8. Practice Remembering Life’s Lessons
Cultivate the ability to remember the lessons of your work and life, akin to the ancient concept of ‘sati’ or mindfulness. This helps prevent getting caught up in trivial worries and staying present.
9. Trust Body’s Capacity to Die
Trust that your body, which performs countless functions unconsciously throughout life, also knows how to die. This can reduce the perception of death as a malfunction and foster peace.
10. Heal Important Relationships
Address unresolved relationship issues by saying what needs to be said and making peace with what doesn’t. This ensures you are content with your relationships when your time comes, without necessarily forgiving unforgivable acts.
11. Get Affairs in Order
Create an advanced plan for your affairs, including designating who handles your matters, your desires for life support, wishes for your body and possessions, care for dependents, and organizing all important documents and financial information. This eases the burden on loved ones and ensures your wishes are honored.
12. Plan Your Deathbed Environment
Deliberately plan the environment and company for your deathbed, focusing on sensory details like who is present, what you’re wearing, and how the room smells. Making it feel as good as possible to you can bring comfort.
13. Explore Afterlife Beliefs
Reflect on and clarify your personal beliefs about consciousness and the afterlife. Understanding your own stance can provide ease regarding what happens after death.
14. Address Unfinished Business
Identify and pursue both large and small ‘bucket list’ items or unresolved aspects of your life. This ensures you live fully and have no regrets about experiences or connections when your time comes.
15. Mirror Exercise: ‘I’m Going to Die’
Look deeply into your own eyes in a mirror and repeat the phrase ‘I’m going to die’ several times. Be present with whatever feelings arise, as this can bring peace and act as a stress reliever.
16. Death Meditation Practice
Engage in a death meditation, such as one based on the nine contemplations of dying, that guides you through the process of the body shutting down. This intellectual exercise can re-engage you with life and reduce anxiety.
17. Balance Hope and Death Preparation
Hold hope for positive outcomes, but simultaneously prepare for the possibility of death. Unrealistic hope for a miracle without preparation can lead to disappointment and hinder effective end-of-life planning.
18. Dying Things Exercise
Regularly observe your surroundings and count how many things are dying or already dead, including your own body. This practice tunes you into impermanence, allowing you to appreciate the living that is occurring and enrich your present experience.
19. Support Grieving with Presence
When supporting someone grieving, resist the urge to ‘fix’ their pain; instead, be present, acknowledge your discomfort, and offer a non-judgmental space for them to talk about anything. Genuine presence and trust in their capacity to grieve are more supportive than platitudes.
20. Plan End-of-Life Pain Management
Make specific plans for pain management during the end-of-life process. This addresses fears about physical suffering and ensures comfort, potentially balancing consciousness with pain relief.
7 Key Quotes
Because by virtue of being present for and around death so much, it's a constant reminder and invitation that I'm still living and I want to be in this body, be in this life as much as I can because I see how it goes.
Alua Arthur
Death is useful.
Alua Arthur
It's not a failure. It's not a failure of the body, of the human, of anybody. It's just how it goes. It's just part of the circle and part of the cycle.
Alua Arthur
Talking about sex won't make you pregnant. Talking about death won't make you dead.
Alua Arthur
I feel most alive when I'm talking to people about their death.
Alua Arthur
You're perfect, and you could use a little improvement.
Zen Master (quoted by Dan Harris)
Hope at the end of life is a fucked up thing because what happens is people start hoping for a miracle or a cure, and then they're really, really disappointed when they're not cured.
Alua Arthur
1 Protocols
Five Steps for Confronting One's Own Death
Alua Arthur- Heal your relationships: Say all the things that need to be said and make peace with the things that don't.
- Get your affairs in order: This includes an advanced plan for who handles affairs, desires for life support, body disposition, services, possessions (even sock drawer), dependents (pets, disabled adults), biographical documents, and finances (bank accounts, beneficiaries).
- Create the deathbed: Envision the ideal death environment with as much sensory detail as possible (smell, sight, sound, who's there/not there, clothing, lighting) to create peace.
- Explore consciousness and the afterlife: Get clear on what your beliefs are about what, if anything, happens after you die, as this can allow for greater ease.
- Address unfinished business of living: This includes both big 'bucket list' items and smaller, personal desires, ensuring you use your remaining time to do what's undone in your life.