How To Be Grateful When Everything Sucks | DaRa Williams
DaRa Williams, a meditation teacher and therapist, discusses gratitude as the "fifth Brahma Vihara." She argues it's essential for navigating difficult times and can be cultivated through simple practices, often intertwined with loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Gratitude as the Fifth Brahma Vihara
The Essential Role of Gratitude in Difficult Times
Gratitude vs. Spiritual Bypass and Acknowledging Duality
The Intertwined Nature of Joy, Happiness, and Suffering
Cultivating Equanimity and Acceptance of 'How It Is'
Deconstructing the 'Why Me?' of Personal Suffering
The Parable of the Second Arrow and Self-Inflicted Suffering
Practical Methods for Integrating Gratitude into Daily Life
How Brahma Viharas Create Conditions for Gratitude
Connecting to Ancestry and Nature as Sources of Gratitude
Balancing Heart-Centered Wisdom with Intellectual Understanding
DaRa's Personal Edge: Moderation and Self-Care Amidst Turmoil
DaRa's Approach to Practicing Equanimity
5 Key Concepts
Spiritual Bypass
This refers to pretending to have achieved a state of spiritual peace or enlightenment, often by feigning positivity or 'pixie dust,' as a way to avoid dealing with one's individual, collective, or historical problems and challenges. It's a mechanism to sidestep genuine engagement with difficulty.
Traumatic Growth
This concept suggests that growth can be a byproduct of trauma, much like a plant struggling to break through dirt to seek the sun. It implies that opportunities for joy and happiness can arise from having engaged with difficulty and challenge.
Eight Worldly Winds
This is a Buddhist list comprising four dichotomies: pleasure and pain, fame and ill repute, gain and loss, and praise and blame. Viewing these as 'winds' helps to depersonalize experiences, fostering a mindset where suffering is seen as an inherent part of life, thereby reducing the tendency to ask 'why me?'
Parable of the Second Arrow
This parable illustrates that much of human suffering is self-inflicted. The first arrow represents the inevitable pain or misfortune of life, while the second arrow symbolizes the additional mental anguish, rumination, and self-recrimination that individuals voluntarily add, making their suffering far more unbearable.
Feminine Energetics (in practice)
In the context of spiritual practice, this refers to qualities and approaches such as engaging with music, connecting with nature, and cultivating heart-centered wisdom. It is presented as a necessary balance to the traditionally emphasized 'masculine' energetics, which often focus on intellect, linear thinking, and concentration, aiming for an integrated practice.
7 Questions Answered
Yes, DaRa Williams argues that gratitude is not only possible but essential for navigating difficult times. It can be found in simple daily occurrences like waking up with breath or having a hot shower, and it helps to cloak or hold one through challenges.
Absolutely not. Gratitude acknowledges the duality of goodness and difficulty, or joys and sorrows. It is not a spiritual bypass to avoid dealing with individual, collective, or historical challenges, but rather a way to engage with them from a more resourced place.
Joy and happiness often coexist with and are informed by difficulty and challenge. One cannot truly appreciate one without having engaged with the other, and joy can also serve as a sustaining force that enables one to do what is needed in the world.
Much suffering is self-inflicted, as illustrated by the 'second arrow' parable. It often arises from intellectual misperceptions, the desire for things to be different than they are, or getting caught in rumination and a 'why me' mentality, which adds unnecessary anguish to inevitable pain.
Simple methods include placing a gratitude reminder (like a 3x5 card) on a bathroom mirror, keeping a gratitude box by the bed, listening to music that evokes gratitude, being present to nature's beauty, and intentionally setting aside time for gratitude practice to infuse the body, heart, and mind.
Yes, cultivating the Brahma Viharas creates the conditions for gratitude to manifest. It's not necessarily a linear culmination but rather an intertwining or circular relationship where practicing these states of heart and mind supports gratitude.
One can practice equanimity by grounding in bodily sensations to read energetic responses to circumstances, observing thoughts of aversion as they arise without judgment, and dropping underneath those thoughts to understand their root rather than just trying to replace them with phrases. The goal is to cultivate a felt sense of balance.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Suffering as Inevitable
Recognize that suffering is an inherent part of life, as taught in Buddhist philosophy, and avoid the misperception that things should always be “great.” This mindset prevents additional suffering caused by wishing reality were different.
2. Cultivate Daily Gratitude
Start each day with simple gratitude for basic existence, like waking up with breath, or acknowledge small daily blessings such as hearing family members or enjoying a hot shower. This practice serves as a “cloak” to navigate daily difficulties.
3. Practice Acceptance of Reality
Open your heart and mind to the realization of “this is how it is” when facing difficult circumstances, rather than wishing things were different. This creates freedom and allows for discernment on whether action is needed or if the situation should be left alone.
4. Avoid “Second Arrow” Suffering
Recognize and avoid the self-inflicted suffering that comes from mental rumination, judgment, and “why me” narratives after an initial painful event. This prevents making inevitable suffering even more unbearable.
5. Prioritize Heart-Centered Being
Actively cultivate aspects of being that center in the heart, rather than solely relying on intellect and cognition. This brings balance and helps navigate challenges without doing harm to oneself.
6. Integrate Brahma Viharas for Gratitude
Engage in the ongoing practice of the four Brahma Viharas (love and kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity). This cultivation creates fertile conditions for gratitude to naturally manifest.
7. Practice Equanimity: Body & Thoughts
Cultivate equanimity by engaging with the body to read its energetic responses to circumstances and by using thoughts as guideposts. Intervene with thoughts of aversion without judgment, and either replace them with a felt sense of balance or drop beneath them to explore underlying reactions.
8. View Mental Content as Nature
Regard all arising thoughts, even seemingly negative or personal ones, as simply “nature” or the results of causes and conditions. This non-judgmental perspective fosters equanimity and removes stickiness from mental events.
9. Connect to Ancestral Gratitude
Generate immediate gratitude by remembering your ancestors who survived difficult times, managed challenges, and did what was necessary for their lineage to continue. This practice connects you to a broader sense of resilience and blessing.
10. Implement Gratitude Reminders
To knit gratitude into daily life, use simple physical reminders like a 3x5 card on the bathroom mirror or a “gratitude box” by your bed to write down and revisit grateful thoughts. These cues help establish the habit.
11. Use Music to Cultivate Gratitude
Listen to music that resonates deeply and brings forward a felt sense of gratitude and appreciation. Music can bypass the mind and go straight to the body to evoke these positive states.
12. Practice Moderation and Self-Care
Be mindful and committed to managing commitments, responsibilities, and time to ensure you are “used up but not fatigued” at the end of the day. This involves creating literal and psychological space for pause and rest.
13. Create Intentional Spaciousness
Take a stand for scheduling and communication by intentionally building in spaciousness and freedom for yourself, such as delaying responses to non-urgent requests. This prevents perpetual fatigue and supports presence.
14. Avoid Spiritual Bypass
Do not use spiritual practices, like gratitude, to pretend problems don’t exist or to avoid dealing with individual, collective, or historical challenges. Acknowledge difficulties while cultivating positive states.
15. Question Suffering’s ‘Wrongness’
When bad things happen and feel “wrong,” engage in self-inquiry by asking “why does it feel wrong?” This helps uncover subconscious assumptions that may be contributing to additional suffering.
16. Engage Skillfully with Thoughts
View thoughts and emotions as items on a “conveyor belt,” allowing you to discern which ones require action and which can be let go. Interact with them skillfully from a place of non-judgmental remove, warmth, and perspective.
8 Key Quotes
Not only do I think it's possible, but I think it's essential in order to navigate the suckiness.
DaRa Williams
Spiritual bypass meaning that you pretend you've got pixie dust coming out of your butt, but actually you're just not dealing with your problems.
DaRa Williams
I really don't know of a lot of opportunity for joy and happiness without having had the opportunity for challenge and suffering.
DaRa Williams
The suffering happens because you keep wanting that to not be true. You keep wanting it to be different. You keep wanting it to be something else.
DaRa Williams
The whole tenet of Buddhism is built around there is suffering.
DaRa Williams
The heart is a true place that I cannot be fooled by. The brain, the mind can take me all kinds of places. But the heart is true when you can listen. When you can see.
DaRa Williams
We're up to, for many, many years, you know, when you and I were little and they had IQ, like IQ, it was intellectual IQ. Then they started discovering, oh, there's actually some other things that are really important here. So I think we're kind of in that domain in terms of the balancing and the awareness of the yin and yang-ness working together to bring understanding, to bring ease or peace, to bring calm, to bring gratitude.
DaRa Williams
You ignore them to your peril. Because they're there operating, and you're either owned by them or you're going to develop some intimacy, warmth, friendliness, understanding, et cetera, et cetera.
Dan Harris
2 Protocols
Cultivating Gratitude Practice
DaRa Williams- Put a 3x5 card with a gratitude reminder on a mirror in the bathroom, or another prominent place you'll see first thing in the morning.
- Keep a box by your bed to write down gratitude thoughts and place them inside. Periodically, pick one out and read it.
- Listen to music that deeply resonates in your body and brings forward a felt sense of gratitude and appreciation, as music can bypass the mind and go straight to the body.
- Practice being present to the world around you, such as appreciating the beauty of nature (e.g., gorgeous trees in the Northeast).
- Take on gratitude like a formal practice, setting the intention during sitting or walking meditation to remember and sit in gratitude, allowing it to infuse your body, heart, and mind.
DaRa Williams' Equanimity Practice (Non-Verbal Approach)
DaRa Williams- Be checked in and grounded with what is happening in your body in relationship to a specific circumstance, situation, or individual.
- Assess your bodily response to determine if it is unhelpful, unskillful, or unwise.
- Sense into a felt sense of balance, using your body as a guide.
- Pay attention to your thoughts, noticing when thoughts of aversion (ranging from annoyance to rage) are present.
- Intervene or engage with that thought without judgment and without assessing that something is inherently 'wrong' with having it.
- Drop down underneath the thought to see what underlying factors might be present, rather than just trying to replace it. Sometimes it's just a reaction, other times there are deeper thoughts to address.
- Engage with any underlying thoughts that need to be addressed.