How To Be Less Anxious And Awkward About Money | Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren
Dan Harris, Sebene Selassie (author, meditation teacher), and Jeff Warren (author, meditation teacher) candidly discuss personal money neuroses, the illusion of security, and the importance of open conversations about finances. They explore individual money stories and practices like non-attachment and generosity to foster a healthier relationship with money.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Taboo Topic of Money
Sebene's Personal Money Story and Conditioning
Jeff's Neuroses Around Money and Self-Worth
Dan's Money Attitudes: From Childhood to Family History
Money as a Neutral Force and Cultural Myths
How Understanding Your Money Story Leads to Sanity
The Benefits of Openly Discussing Money with Friends
Addressing Scarcity Mindset and the Concept of Enoughness
Practicing Non-Attachment and Finding Inner Security
Distinguishing Certainty from Balance in Financial Planning
The Principle of Interconnectivity and Freeing Money
Generosity as a Practice of Non-Attachment
Addressing Acute Financial Distress and the Power of Community
Gratitude as a Practice for Abundance
7 Key Concepts
Money Story
This refers to an individual's unique relationship with money, shaped by their experiences, family background, societal influences, and conditioning around wealth and income. Understanding one's money story helps reveal false narratives and untangle beliefs about money.
Money as a Neutral Force
Money itself is not inherently good or bad; it is a resource with the power to influence and affect lives. It reveals a lot about our conditioning, especially tendencies towards scarcity or greed, rather than being the root of all evil.
Scarcity Mindset
This is a pervasive cultural belief that there is not enough, leading to panic, fear of survival, and a constant feeling of lack. It often manifests as a desire for 'more is better' and can be deeply intertwined with personal insecurities.
Enoughness
This concept challenges the scarcity mindset by prompting individuals to contemplate what truly constitutes 'enough' for their needs and well-being. It involves examining conditioned narratives to discern what is genuinely sufficient versus what is driven by old patterns or societal comparisons.
Certainty vs. Balance (Money)
Certainty is the illusion that one can protect themselves from all harm or achieve absolute security through money, which is ultimately impossible. Balance, in contrast, involves understanding one's needs and planning for the future without clinging to an unrealistic sense of certainty, embracing an ongoing, adaptive relationship with money.
Interconnectivity / Interbeing
This principle suggests that money, like energy, should be in constant motion and exchange within a community. Being generous with money and connections, and allowing others to be generous in return, cultivates a supportive ecosystem that can provide security beyond mere financial accumulation.
Field of Merit
When one seeks support, especially in times of financial hardship, they are described as a 'field of merit.' This means they are providing others with the opportunity to practice generosity and build their own goodness, making the act of receiving support a reciprocal gift.
6 Questions Answered
Understanding your money story helps reveal the false narratives and conditioning around scarcity and 'enoughness' that may be unconsciously driving your financial anxieties. By examining these origins, you can begin to untangle what is true from old patterns and beliefs, leading to a more rational and grounded perspective.
Talking openly about money with friends helps normalize a traditionally taboo subject, reducing shame and fostering a sense of community support. Friends can offer different perspectives, share their own experiences, and provide practical or emotional assistance, reinforcing the idea that you don't have to navigate financial challenges alone.
Non-attachment to money can be practiced by cultivating a deeper sense of inner security that is independent of external financial conditions. This involves recognizing the impermanence of wealth, accepting the changiness of life, and finding stability in the present moment through contemplative practices like meditation.
Certainty is the unattainable illusion of complete protection from all harm through money, which often leads to clinging and anxiety. Balance, on the other hand, acknowledges the inherent uncertainty of life but focuses on understanding one's needs, planning responsibly, and maintaining a healthy, adaptive relationship with money without rigid attachment.
Generosity acts as an antidote to clinging and craving, which are often at the root of unhealthy money attitudes. By regularly practicing giving, one can shift from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset, fostering a sense of interconnectivity and freeing money to flow as an energy of care and support.
While specific practical advice depends on the situation, the importance of community and relationship is paramount. Reaching out to friends, family, support groups, or institutions can provide crucial interconnection, which is considered the ultimate resource, helping to alleviate the shame and fear often associated with financial hardship.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Find Security Independent of Conditions
Engage in contemplative practice to cultivate a sense of being okay independent of external conditions, finding safety in the present moment through radical acceptance of change or connection to something unchanging.
2. Identify Your Money Story
Understand the point of origination for your neuroses around money to see how your relationship to money is based on your experience and conditioning.
3. Examine Money Narratives
Explore your personal money story to reveal false narratives around scarcity and ’enoughness’ that may be unconsciously running your life and causing anxiety.
4. Investigate Suffering Mindfully
Treat whatever is troubling you, including money anxieties, as an alarm bell to wake up and investigate mindfully, using it as a portal for self-discovery.
5. Contemplate “What Is Enough?”
Use the question ‘What is enough?’ as a koan or riddle to deeply contemplate your relationship with money and challenge notions of scarcity and accumulation.
6. Seek Balance Over Certainty
Shift from clinging to the illusion of certainty in money to seeking balance by understanding what you truly need and planning responsibly for the future.
7. Cultivate Interconnectivity, Generosity
Deliberately cultivate interconnectivity in your life by being generous with your money and connections, and allowing others to be generous for you, as this builds ultimate support.
8. Practice Conscious Generosity
Regularly practice generosity, such as tithing your income, by giving thoughtful consideration to what you want to contribute and share, ensuring it comes from a full heart.
9. Reframe Money as Love
Consciously reframe money transactions as an exchange of care or love, such as by writing ‘money is love’ on checks, to shift from a mindset of tightness and scarcity.
10. Keep Money in Motion
Adopt the principle that money, like everything, should be in constant motion and movement, rather than stagnant, to free it from misery and allow it to flow.
11. Spend on Support, Help
View spending money on support and help as a way to spread resources around the community and family, fostering a larger ecosystem of exchange rather than holding onto it tightly.
12. Talk Openly With Friends
Engage in honest conversations about money with friends, fostering care and support, as this can help untangle personal attitudes and navigate financial challenges.
13. Allow Yourself To Be Helped
Be open to receiving help around money, such as through a GoFundMe, as it’s a vulnerable yet beautiful way to allow others to support you in times of need.
14. Seek Support, Create Merit
When seeking support, recognize that you are creating a ‘field of merit,’ giving others the opportunity to build their own goodness, making the act of receiving reciprocal.
15. Offer Something in Exchange
When engaging in an exchange, always offer something, even a small amount, to maintain balance and acknowledge the energy exchange, rather than taking something for free.
16. Practice Self-Compassion, Realistic Self-Talk
Develop the ability to talk to yourself with self-compassion, acknowledging that things may not always be fine but trusting in your capacity to do your best in any situation.
17. Premeditate Worst-Case Scenarios
Practice the Stoic technique of ‘premeditation of evils’ by picturing the worst-case scenario when feeling anxious, to realize you can deal with it even if you don’t like it.
18. Embrace Money’s Impermanence
Cultivate a broader perspective on the ebb and flow and impermanence of money, understanding that there will be times of more and less, to reduce anxiety and foster trust.
19. Understand Your Wiring
Learn about your personal wiring, such as neurodiversity, in conjunction with your money stories, to better organize your life structures and support yourself financially.
20. Do Internal Money Work
Engage in internal work to shift your understanding and relationship to money, especially when dealing with complex financial concepts like donation-based models.
21. Practice Gratitude Lists
Engage in a journaling practice of creating gratitude lists to cultivate a sense of enoughness and abundance in your life.
22. Read “The Soul of Money”
Read ‘The Soul of Money’ by Lynn Twist to learn about money and challenge common myths like scarcity, ‘more is better,’ and the belief that these things can’t change.
5 Key Quotes
Power can corrupt, but it's not the only thing it does. That power is kind of a neutral force. It just means the ability to influence. But the only thing power always does is power reveals. And I feel that's true about money too.
Sebene Selassie
Money is basically the current of money moving through your life is the current of survival. That is kind of what it is for a lot of people. And all your issues around survival come up around it.
Jeff Warren
Don't waste your suffering. Whatever is troubling you, that is an alarm bell. That's something that you can wake up and investigate mindfully.
Dan Harris (quoting Joseph Goldstein)
Money wants to be free. It all wants to be free. It's like, let the little bunnies go.
Jeff Warren
When you seek support, you're actually a field of merit. That you're giving other people the opportunity to build their own merit, to build their own goodness. And so that gift is reciprocal, actually.
Sebene Selassie (quoting Susan, who quoted James Baraz)
1 Protocols
Gratitude Lists for Abundance
Sebene Selassie- Regularly write down things you are grateful for.