How to be Less Judgmental (Of Other People – and Yourself) | La Sarmiento

1. Notice When You’re Suffering

Make it a fundamental practice to notice when you are experiencing any form of suffering (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) as a crucial signal to slow down and tend to your inner state. This awareness is the first step towards alleviating pain and living more fully.

2. The Ultimate Suffering Life Hack

Carry the simple phrase ‘Am I suffering right now?’ with you throughout your day as a powerful prompt to check in with yourself. If the answer is yes, pause, investigate what’s happening, and respond with kindness and care towards yourself.

3. Practice Compassionate Self-Talk

Counter ingrained neurotic patterns by deliberately talking to yourself with kindness and compassion, treating your insecure or fearful inner self as a ‘buddy.’ This ‘reparenting’ approach helps acknowledge and comfort your feelings, fostering self-acceptance.

4. Embrace Inherent Worthiness

Challenge the belief that you must constantly prove your value or earn your place in the world. Recognize and accept that you are inherently worthy of existence simply by being a human being, as this is your birthright.

5. Motivate with Love, Not Fear

Shift your drive from fear, insufficiency, or self-laceration to a ‘cleaner burning fuel’ of love and genuine care for yourself and others. This allows you to be effective and active, motivated by a basic human capacity to give a shit rather than constant self-criticism.

6. Combine Mindfulness and Compassion

When difficult emotions or judgmental thoughts arise, first notice them clearly with mindfulness (wisdom) to understand what’s happening. Then, respond to yourself with warmth, friendliness, and care (compassion) to provide self-first aid.

7. Cultivate Discernment, Not Judgment

Replace automatic, gut-reaction judgment with discernment, which involves a more thoughtful process of pausing to take inventory of all that is present before acting or speaking. This approach is less reactive and more informed.

8. Separate Person from Behavior

Practice discerning between who someone is (their innate goodness or ‘Buddha nature’) and their specific behaviors. This distinction allows you to maintain compassion and an open heart for the person while still setting necessary boundaries for their unacceptable actions.

9. Four Questions for Self-Check

When you notice judgmental thoughts or feelings, ask yourself these four questions: ‘Is my heart open or closed? Am I suffering or free? Am I feeling empowered or disempowered? Am I feeling connected or disconnected?’ These questions help you understand your internal state and guide your response.

10. Adjust Your Heart’s Dimmer Switch

Recognize that open-heartedness is not an all-or-nothing state but a dimmer switch, allowing you to adjust your capacity to engage based on the situation. This enables you to balance vulnerability with appropriate self-protection.

11. Practice Mindfulness for Discernment

Engage in mindfulness to enhance your ability to discern details, which can lead to better decision-making and a clearer understanding of situations. Mindfulness also reveals that judgmentalism is often painful and carries ill will, making it an unskillful habit.

12. Question Inner Self-Judgment

Become aware of your inner self-judgment, often experienced as an ‘inner cattle prod,’ and critically question its perceived necessity for motivation or achievement. This internal criticism is frequently painful and can be counterproductive.

13. Identify Roots of Judgmentalism

Investigate the underlying insecurities, doubts, and feelings of inadequacy that might be fueling your judgmental tendencies towards others. Judgmentalism often stems from a deep-seated fear of being ’less than’ and is used as a coping mechanism to feel superior.

14. Challenge Internalized Self-Doubt

Recognize when you compare yourself to others or doubt your own qualifications and accomplishments, as this is a manifestation of internalized judgment. Actively challenge the narrative that you are ’less than’ or unqualified.

15. Examine Judgment’s Inferiority Roots

Reflect on whether your judgments of others are rooted in your own feelings of inferiority or a desire to assimilate or feel superior within a particular culture or group. This can reveal hidden coping mechanisms.

16. Recognize Judgment’s Arising

Cultivate a heightened awareness to identify the moment when judgment, fear, or insecurity first arises in your mind, even in seemingly routine situations. This initial recognition is key to preventing these states from taking over.

17. Embrace Authentic Self-Expression

Be honest and authentic about your struggles, fears, and insecurities rather than hiding behind a facade of perfection. This humanizes your experience, makes it okay for others to feel similar emotions, and reduces the effort required to maintain an inauthentic self-image.

18. Avoid Judgment for Connection

Observe how judging others creates separation and fosters a false sense of superiority, ultimately leading to isolation rather than genuine connection. Actively work to reduce judgment to build stronger, more authentic relationships.

19. Choose Not to Add Suffering

Once you recognize that you are suffering, remember that you have a choice in how you proceed. You do not have to add to your pain by telling self-defeating stories or engaging in unskillful actions.

20. Define Open-Hearted Engagement

Understand an open heart as the capacity to be willing to engage with life, cultivate patience, understanding, respect, love, and compassion. It means being present with life as it unfolds, whether joyful or challenging.

21. Judgment Hinders Connection

Internalize the understanding that judgment creates separation, pain, and a sense of isolation, which goes against our innate human wiring for social connection. Actively work to dismantle judgmental habits to foster belonging.

22. Own Unskillful Behavior Honestly

When you catch yourself acting unskillfully (e.g., ‘being a jerk’), acknowledge your behavior honestly, even if it feels temporarily satisfying. Commit to addressing its impact later, rather than denying or justifying it.

23. Mindfulness Uncovers Self-Deception

Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your self-deception, which often makes it difficult to distinguish genuine discernment from self-justified judgment. Mindfulness helps you see when you are trying to ‘pull the wool over your own eyes.’

24. Avoid Harmful Gossip

Before engaging in gossip, pause and consider if you would want others to talk about you in that way. Recognize that while it might offer temporary ‘deliciousness,’ gossip often leads to regret, remorse, and causes harm, going against ethical speech.

25. Body Awareness as First Clue

Utilize mindfulness of the body as the initial step to recognizing suffering or stress. Pay attention to physical sensations like clenched jaws, tense shoulders, or other bodily indicators as early clues that something is amiss internally.

26. Pause and Ask ‘What’s Happening?’

Periodically pause throughout your day and ask yourself, ‘What’s happening right now?’ This simple question helps you break free from being caught up in activities, bringing awareness to the present moment and any needs that require attention.

27. Re-evaluate Harsh Self-Motivation

If you rely on self-criticism or an ‘internal cattle prod’ for motivation, investigate whether this strategy genuinely brings you happiness or if it leads to harm, pain, overwork, and disconnection. Question if it’s truly helping you live fully.

28. Decolonize Your Inner Self

Actively work to identify and release internalized cultural messages and expectations that dictate your worth or how you ‘should’ be. This process of ‘decolonizing’ your heart, mind, and body allows for greater self-acceptance and liberation.

29. Align Striving with True Desires

If constant striving and pushing don’t bring you happiness, take time to examine what you truly want from your life beyond worldly wins like fame or fortune. Seek to align your efforts with deeper desires such as peace, ease, or equanimity.

30. Slow Down for Mindful Engagement

Intentionally slow down your pace in daily life, as mindfulness practice is largely about creating enough space to consciously choose how you engage with the world. This prevents you from being overwhelmed and allows for more deliberate interaction.

31. Control Your Relation to Life

Focus your energy on cultivating your internal response and relationship to external events, rather than trying to control life itself. Recognize that your power and agency lie in how you choose to relate to whatever arises.

32. Recognize Judging, Comparing, Fixing

Become aware when you fall into the mental modes of judging, comparing, or fixing, as these are often survival mechanisms. Recognize them as attempts to avoid simply being with life as it is, stemming from discomfort with reality.

33. Compassion for Habit Energies

When you notice yourself engaging in judging, comparing, or fixing, bring compassion to the underlying suffering or insecurity that fuels these habit energies. Approach these patterns with kindness rather than adding self-judgment.

34. Embrace the Present Moment

Actively bring your attention to the present moment, recognizing that the past is gone and the future is not yet here. This practice helps you avoid dwelling on past regrets or future anxieties, allowing you to appreciate the preciousness of ‘all there is’ right now.

35. Celebrate Awareness in Meditation

When you notice your mind has drifted during meditation, celebrate that moment of waking up to your distraction rather than judging yourself. This recognition is a sign of growing awareness, and you can gently bring your attention back.

36. Learn from Meditation Distractions

View distractions during meditation not as failures, but as valuable opportunities to learn about your mind’s habits and patterns, such as anger or self-centeredness. This understanding helps you become less controlled by these mental tendencies.

37. Accept Others, Accept Self

Practice accepting people in your life for who they are, rather than trying to change them, as this can lead to profound self-acceptance. This approach frees you from needing their external approval to validate your own existence.