How To Be Less Judgmental (Of Other People – and Yourself) | La Sarmiento

1. Life’s Ultimate Hack: Notice Suffering

Make ‘Am I suffering right now?’ your primary litmus test throughout the day. When you notice any form of suffering (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual), slow down, take breaths, and acknowledge, honor, and nurture what’s happening to process emotions instead of suppressing them.

2. Cultivate Discernment, Not Judgment

Practice mindfulness and clear seeing to discern details for better decisions, rather than engaging in judgmentalism, which is described as a painful state of mind carrying ill will or superiority. Use ‘discerning’ to slow down your reactions, take inventory of what’s present, and choose informed actions or speech.

3. Reparent Your Inner Child

Engage in ‘reparenting’ yourself by recognizing that fear, stress, or doubt often stem from a younger version of yourself. Use mindfulness to acknowledge these feelings, be kinder and gentler with yourself, and take responsibility for caring for your emotions as an adult.

4. Four Questions to Check In

When you notice yourself in judgment mode, pause and ask: Is my heart open or closed? Am I suffering or free? Am I empowered or disempowered? Am I connected or disconnected? Use these questions to check your state and realign with an open heart, freedom, empowerment, and connection.

5. Challenge Self-Laceration Motivation

Question the belief that you need an ‘internal cattle prod’ to achieve things; investigate if self-laceration truly brings happiness and effectiveness, or if it’s fueled by an assumption that fear is the only motivator. Shift your drive from fear or lack to a ‘cleaner burning fuel’ like love for yourself and others.

6. Mindfulness of Body as Clue

Practice mindfulness of the body to become aware of physical sensations of stress (e.g., clenched jaws, tense shoulders). Use these bodily cues as the first indicator that you might be in pain or suffering, prompting further self-awareness.

7. Process Emotions with RAIN

Use the RAIN acronym (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture/Non-identification) to process difficult emotions. Recognize what’s happening, Allow it to be there, Investigate how it affects your body, emotions, and thoughts, and Nurture yourself or don’t identify with the feeling.

8. Be Present, Not Past or Future

Ask yourself what prevents you from being present, recognizing that discomfort often comes from dwelling on past regrets or future anxieties. Prioritize the present moment as the only truth and most precious time, as the past is gone and the future is uncertain.

9. Accept Others, Set Boundaries

Practice accepting others for who they are, especially those unlikely to change, without endorsing their unacceptable views. Discern between a person’s inherent goodness and their behavior, allowing you to love them and set boundaries without shutting them out of your heart.

10. Dimmer Switch for Open Heart

Adopt a ‘dimmer switch’ approach to open-heartedness, adjusting your capacity to engage, understand, and show compassion based on the situation. This allows you to maintain safety and boundaries without completely shutting yourself off from life.

11. Celebrate Waking from Distraction

In meditation, when you notice your mind has drifted, celebrate that moment of awakening rather than judging yourself. Acknowledge the distraction, and gently ‘begin again,’ understanding that this practice shortens the duration of future distractions.

12. Acknowledge Inner Demons with Gratitude

When strong emotions or inner demons (like anger or self-centeredness) arise during meditation, acknowledge them with gratitude. Recognize that they are unskillfully trying to help you, then gently return your focus to your meditation object.

13. Avoid Harmful Gossip

Before engaging in gossip, pause and ask yourself if you would want others to talk about you that way. Notice if it feels bad in your heart or causes physical tension, as gossip is not ethical and causes harm.

14. Own Being a Jerk

When you are called out for being a ‘jerk,’ acknowledge it and be aware that it might feel good in the moment. Be prepared to apologize later for the impact of your actions, rather than denying or defending your behavior.

15. Humanize Your Experience

Be honest about your own fears and insecurities, especially if you are in a leadership role. This humanizes your experience and helps others feel it’s okay to acknowledge and feel their own vulnerabilities.