How to Call People In (Instead of Calling Them Out) | Loretta Ross
This episode features Loretta Ross, a radical Black feminist and public intellectual, who advocates for "calling in" over "calling out." She proposes a mode of engagement that emphasizes grace, open-mindedness, and rejecting dehumanization to address cultural divides and foster understanding.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Loretta Ross and the 'Calling In' approach
Understanding the 'Circles of Engagement' in society
The Overton Window and the shift of fringe ideas to mainstream
Defining 'Calling In' versus 'Calling Out' culture
Personal experience: Working with incarcerated rapists
Personal experience: Working with a former Nazi
Developing the reflex for 'Calling In' with grace
Critique of using social movements as personal therapy
Examining 'Whiteness Studies' and advocating for 'White Courage'
The deleterious societal impacts of 'Call-Out Culture'
Strategies for 'Calling In' in personal relationships
Pushback received for advocating 'Calling In'
Maintaining hope and seeing humanity in all people
7 Key Concepts
Calling Out
A common social media practice that adds toxicity to discourse and alienates potential allies. It typically responds with anger, shame, blame, and punishment, often attacking a person's fundamental character rather than just their words or actions.
Calling In
A method of holding people accountable with love and respect, rather than anger and punishment. It involves pausing to give the benefit of the doubt, considering misinterpretation or regret, and seeking to understand and preserve relationships.
Circular Firing Squad
A metaphor used to describe progressive groups that spend too much energy and anger on each other, striving for perfect alignment on every thought, rather than uniting against external opponents.
Overton Window
A concept describing the range of ideas considered acceptable in public discourse. The episode suggests this window has shifted significantly to the right, allowing previously fringe ideas to become mainstream within certain political parties.
White Fragility
A critique of how 'whiteness studies' can sometimes lead to white guilt and the use of social movements as personal therapy spaces. This approach focuses on individual feelings rather than collective action against white supremacy.
White Courage
An alternative to white fragility, advocating for white people to draw inspiration from historical white abolitionists and anti-racists. It encourages active participation and leadership in fighting white supremacy, rather than dwelling in guilt.
Kids and Kin System of Care
A system of care, potentially rooted in white supremacy, where individuals are taught to primarily care for those they can relate to or who look like them. This limits compassion and defines everyone else as 'the other'.
6 Questions Answered
'Calling out' is a common social media practice that adds toxicity and alienates allies, often using anger and shaming. 'Calling in' is a call-out done with love and respect, giving people the benefit of the doubt and seeking to hold them accountable with grace and forgiveness.
It involves examining one's own childhood experiences with accountability (punishment, training, forgiveness) and how those patterns are applied to others' mistakes. It also requires asking if carrying grudges or blowing up others' lives truly leads to personal happiness and peace.
It makes people afraid to share honest thoughts, impoverishing shared knowledge as individuals curate their speech or become bystanders. It can also be used for self-aggrandizement, leading to exaggerated labels and a presumption of guilt that damages relationships.
Instead of calling them out, call them in by expressing how their words hurt you personally and asking if they intend to cause that pain, appealing to the love and respect in the relationship, and requesting a change in their language.
While whiteness studies offer a necessary analysis of how whiteness was constructed, Ross critiques its common outcome of producing white guilt and using movements as therapy spaces. She advocates for 'white courage' instead, focusing on action against white supremacy.
Her hope stems from her lineage as a Black woman whose ancestors never gave up hope for 400 years. She believes in the fundamental goodness and resilience of humanity, finding astonishing grace in unexpected people and circumstances.
26 Actionable Insights
1. Practice “Calling In”
Engage in “calling in” instead of “calling out” when dealing with disagreements or perceived wrongs. This approach insists on grace, rejects dehumanization, and avoids alienating potential allies, fostering constructive engagement.
2. Give Benefit of Doubt
When someone says or does something you disagree with, pause and give them the benefit of the doubt before reacting. You might have misinterpreted it, they might have misstated it, or they may regret past actions, allowing you to “peer into their heart instead of just react to their words.”
3. Hold Accountable with Grace
Hold people accountable for their actions using grace and forgiveness, rather than anger and punishment. This approach avoids using punitive techniques on others and acknowledges that everyone makes mistakes.
4. See Humanity in Hateful
Learn to meet the human beings behind the hatred and strive to see their humanity, even in those who have committed terrible acts. Through direct interaction and understanding their stories, it becomes very hard to continue to hate them, opening the possibility for change.
5. Protect Your Integrity
Focus on protecting your personal integrity rather than your reputation. Your reputation is what others think they know about you, but your integrity is what you know about yourself, and you are the person you have to sleep with every night.
6. Tailor Communication to Audience
Tailor your communication style and language to the specific audience you are addressing. This helps bridge divides and find common values, especially when dealing with people who may be “repelled by your jargon” but share similar values.
7. Use Values-Driven Language
Use values-driven language when talking to people with different perspectives, rather than insider jargon. This helps connect with them on a deeper level and avoids assumptions that they lack agreeable values.
8. Reflect on Accountability History
To develop the reflex of “calling in,” examine your personal history regarding accountability and how your fight, flight, or freeze instincts were formed as a child. Understanding these patterns helps you make different choices and avoid robbing yourself of peace, happiness, and sanity by carrying grudges.
9. Confront Internalized Hatred
Actively engage with people or situations that challenge your deeply held negative beliefs or hatreds. Through direct interaction and understanding their stories, you can erode your own hatred and see the humanity behind their actions.
10. Support Those Leaving Hate
Be present and supportive for people who choose to give up hate or harmful ideologies. As Reverend C.T. Vivian taught, when you ask people to give up hate, you need to be there for them when they do, aiding their re-entry into society.
11. Focus on Present Growth
When confronting someone about a past mistake, prioritize understanding their current growth and perspective, rather than weaponizing old knowledge against them. This allows for forgiveness and acknowledges that people can change.
12. Prioritize Work in Movements
In movements or collaborative efforts, prioritize doing the work together to build relationships and trust. You discover who people truly are by working with them, rather than waiting for bonds of relationship and trust to form through discussions.
13. Movements Aren’t Therapy
Recognize that social justice movements are organizing spaces to overcome injustice, not personal therapy spaces for individual guilt or trauma. This prevents the movement from being bogged down by personal issues and keeps its focus on collective action and systemic change.
14. Cultivate White Courage
If you are white and examining your whiteness, strive to cultivate “white courage” by learning about white abolitionists and allies, rather than dwelling in “white guilt” or “fragility.” This shifts the focus from immutable characteristics and guilt to active participation in overcoming injustice.
15. Separate Ideology from People
Distinguish between harmful ideologies (e.g., white supremacy) and the people who adhere to them. This allows for effective work against the ideology itself without dehumanizing all individuals associated with it.
16. Criticize, See Humanity
Cultivate the capacity to criticize systems and individuals you disagree with, while simultaneously reserving the right to see the humanity in everyone. This allows for a nuanced and complicated approach to the world, enabling you to hold people accountable without dehumanizing them.
17. See Things As They Are
Strive to see things as they are, rather than as you wish they were. This realistic perspective allows you to effectively build the changes you want to see by paying attention to reality.
18. Experiment with Strategies
Adopt an experimental approach when trying to change human hearts and minds. Like scientific experiments, it may take many attempts to find the “sweet spot” that works, and it’s unproductive to get mad when strategies don’t immediately succeed.
19. Cultivate Hope
Cultivate hope and resilience, especially by drawing on the strength of your ancestors and the human spirit. Hope is essential for survival and for building a better world, even when facing significant challenges and despair.
20. Recognize Self-Created Unhappiness
Realize and accept that you are often the creator of your own unhappiness. This self-awareness empowers you to make different choices and find peace, rather than solely blaming external circumstances.
21. Find Grace in Unlikely
Be open to finding “astonishing grace” in the most unlikely people and places. This perspective allows you to see the wonderful potential in the world and avoid judging people solely by their social location or privileges.
22. Examine Your Current Actions
Reflect on your current behavior: identify situations where you wish you could speak up but don’t, and recall past instances of bravery. This helps build on your existing strengths and address internal barriers, fostering a healthier and more generous presence in the world.
23. Share Honest Thoughts
Resist the impulse to withhold your honest thoughts or “perform” due to fear of being called out or pilloried. Withholding honest selves impoverishes the “shared pool of knowledge” and prevents genuine discourse, leading to a culture of fear and curated communication.
24. Avoid Virtue Signaling
When addressing perceived wrongs, avoid using criticism for “self-aggrandizement” or to send “woke signals” or “virtue signals.” This approach can lead to exaggerated accusations and lose the opportunity for genuine resolution.
25. Address Harmful Language Respectfully
When someone uses offensive language, address it by explaining how it hurts you and asking them to choose different words, especially in your presence. This allows for a conversation without “blowing up the relationship” or making assumptions about their character, giving them a choice to respect your feelings.
26. Question Past Punishments
Be critical of punishing people for things they did a long time ago, especially mistakes made when they were younger. People change and grow, and it’s important to investigate where they are now and give them the grace of expecting they learned from it.
7 Key Quotes
We're all on the same team, but we spend our best anger on each other for not being cult members. We're all supposed to be apparently 100% aligned.
Loretta Ross
A calling in is simply a call-out done with love and respect.
Loretta Ross
When people show you who they are, I believe them.
Loretta Ross
Human rights violators are created. They're not born.
Loretta Ross
If I can call in a Nazi, if I can call in a rapist, why can't I call in somebody who gets the gender pronoun right, wrong, or says something that is racist that they may not know is racist?
Loretta Ross
Your reputation is what other people think they know about you. Your integrity is what you know about yourself.
Loretta Ross
It's not about whether or not Donald Trump deserves to be saved, but do I deserve to be his executioner?
Loretta Ross
2 Protocols
Engaging with Incarcerated Rapists
Loretta Ross- Set clear boundaries: No cigarettes, drugs, tennis shoes, or letters of pardon/support to the parole board.
- State the purpose: Focus on honest conversation around feminism and how to stop rape culture.
- Conduct regular, long-term sessions: Go every Friday for two-hour sessions over 2.5 years.
- Provide educational materials: Buy multiple copies of books for them to read and retrieve them after use.
Calling In 'Uncle Frank' at the Dinner Table
Loretta Ross- Express personal hurt: State how their words, even if not directed at you, cause you pain (e.g., 'Uncle Frank, every time you say that word, even though I'm not Mexican, it hurts me.').
- Question their intent: Ask if they genuinely want to hurt you (e.g., 'Do you want to hurt me like that? Do you love me, Uncle Frank?').
- Appeal to the relationship: Emphasize the value of your relationship (e.g., 'Uncle Frank, I really love my relationship with you. Can we talk about why you use words that hurt me?').
- Request a behavioral change: Ask them to choose different words, at least in your presence (e.g., 'Can you choose to use words that won't hurt me, at least in my presence?').