How To Get Past Your Past | Yung Pueblo
Dan Harris speaks with Diego Perez, aka Yung Pueblo, a #1 New York Times bestselling author, about lessons from 12 years of meditation. They discuss how meditation impacts relationships, the nature of love as a practice, and key insights like burning mind's conditioning and cultivating boundless compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Meditation's Impact on a Stormy Marriage
Mechanism of Meditation's Relational Benefits
Buddhist Traditions: Goenka and Mahasi Schools
Taking Ownership of Emotions in Conflict
Responding Skillfully to Intense Emotions
Love as a Practice, Not Just a Feeling
Selfless Listening in Relationships
Burning Off Mental Conditioning Through Meditation
First Lesson: Pain Spreads Through Humanity
Second Lesson: Ego and Self Are Not Fundamentally Real
Third Lesson: The Importance of Community (Sangha)
Fourth Lesson: Present Actions Create Future
Fifth Lesson: Making Compassion Boundless
Seventh Lesson: Seeing Other Perspectives as Strength
5 Key Concepts
Burning Conditioning
This refers to the process where the mind, when in a state of stable equanimity and awareness, stops creating new reactions. As new conditioning isn't being fed, old, hardened mental conditioning (like old fears or anxieties) automatically starts to evaporate or 'burn away,' purifying the mind.
Love as a Practice
Love is not merely a passive feeling but an active, ongoing practice that requires time and effort. It involves learning to care compassionately for someone, understanding their emotional history, and knowing how they like to be supported, rather than expecting a relationship to always be easy or exciting.
Selfless Listening
This is a method of listening during conflict where one fully focuses on understanding the other person's story and perspective without simultaneously formulating a retort or thinking about how to jump in. The goal is to truly see where the other person is coming from, which helps tension melt away.
Ego and Sense of Self
Through deep meditative practice, one can perceive that the 'I' or self is not a solid, fundamentally real entity. Instead, it's a fluctuating bundle of mental and physical phenomena (causes and conditions) that are constantly arising and passing away, leading to a liberating understanding of personal change and evolution.
Boundless Compassion
This concept involves cultivating a deep sense of care for all beings, including those who cause harm, without becoming a pushover. It means understanding that even those who hurt others are often struggling in their own minds, and taking action to stop harm should still be rooted in love and non-hatred, not aversion.
5 Questions Answered
Meditation fosters self-awareness and emotional maturity, allowing individuals to take ownership of their feelings rather than blaming others. It also builds resilience, enabling one to hold space for their own and shared turbulence during arguments, leading to more patient and skillful interactions.
First, understand that emotions are passing phenomena, not permanent identities (e.g., 'heaviness is moving through me' instead of 'I am angry'). Second, literally slow down to feel what's happening, giving yourself time to act skillfully rather than reactively, honoring the emotion without letting it dominate your actions.
Attachment often manifests as control, which can stifle a relationship. Love, conversely, is seen as freedom, allowing partners to evolve, change, and blossom individually while still moving side-by-side, building a relationship around clear commitments rather than silent expectations.
Burning conditioning refers to the process in deep meditation where, by maintaining stable equanimity and awareness, the mind stops creating new reactions. This cessation of new conditioning allows old, deeply stored mental patterns, fears, and anxieties to naturally dissolve or 'burn away,' purifying the mind.
Boundless compassion means treating people well and, when confronted with harm, doing your best to stop it without hating the individual. This action stems from love for both the harmed and the harmer, understanding that those who cause harm are often struggling, similar to how a parent might sternly stop a child from danger out of love.
25 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Quality Relationships
Focus on cultivating high-quality relationships, as research strongly suggests this is the most important variable for overall happiness.
2. Own Your Feelings
Develop self-awareness to take ownership of your feelings and discontent, recognizing they often stem from within rather than blaming others.
3. Meditate for Self-Awareness
Practice meditation to develop individual self-awareness, emotional maturity, and the ability to slow down and not immediately react.
4. Embrace Impermanence, Don’t Cling
Work with the universe by embracing the truth that everything is constantly changing, and avoid clinging to things to prevent suffering.
5. Build Relationships on Commitments
Design the foundation of your relationships around clear, communicated commitments about how each partner’s happiness is supported, rather than silent expectations or attachments.
6. Allow Partner Freedom to Evolve
Give your partner the freedom to evolve, change, and blossom naturally, rather than trying to control them or forcing them to remain the same person.
7. Cultivate Equanimity, Burn Conditioning
Practice stable equanimity and non-reaction in meditation to stop creating new conditioning and allow old, hardened mental conditioning to dissipate.
8. Meditation: Your Mental Gym
Approach meditation retreats as a ‘mental gym’ to actively develop and strengthen awareness, non-reaction (equanimity), and compassion.
9. Ego is Not Fundamentally Real
Understand that the ego and sense of self are not fundamentally real or solid, allowing you to freely let your identity evolve and change without rigid attachment.
10. Shape Future with Present Actions
Recognize that your future is created by your present actions; cultivate intentional habits and a daily practice to make better decisions and positively influence your life.
11. Transmute Past Pain
Learn to deal with, process, and let go of past pain or trauma so that you do not unintentionally pass it on to others in your proximity.
12. Practice Selfless Listening
During arguments, listen selflessly to understand your partner’s perspective without thinking about how to retort or jump in, remembering they are not your enemy.
13. Use Reflective Listening
Employ reflective listening by repeating back your understanding of someone’s message in your own words to ensure you’ve truly heard them and to validate their communication.
14. Reframe Emotional Language
Shift your language from ‘I am [emotion]’ to ’there is [emotion]’ or ‘[emotion] is moving through me’ to avoid over-identification and recognize the passing nature of feelings.
15. Slow Down Emotional Reactions
When strong emotions arise, literally slow down to feel what’s happening, allowing time to act skillfully rather than reactively.
16. Cultivate Boundless Compassion
Strive to make your compassion boundless, treating people well and confronting harm without hatred, understanding that even those who cause harm are struggling.
17. Act Without Hatred
When confronting harm, take decisive action to stop it, but do so without hating the individual, as hatred is an unsustainable and self-destructive fuel.
18. See Diverse Perspectives
Cultivate the ability to see and understand perspectives different from your own, recognizing this as a sign of intelligence and mental strength.
19. Avoid Pedestal Views
Do not put your own views on a pedestal; understand that all perspectives are imperfect to prevent division and foster understanding.
20. Love is an Active Practice
Recognize that love is an active practice and not merely a passive feeling, requiring continuous effort, learning, and development to care for someone compassionately.
21. Design Your Relationship Home
Consciously design the ‘home’ of your relationship by shaping how you show up for each other, handle arguments, and foster a calm and safe environment.
22. Join a Meditation Community
Actively engage with a spiritual or meditative community (Sangha) as a crucial component of your practice, as it provides support and makes the path more enjoyable.
23. Attend Long Meditation Retreats
Commit to regular, longer meditation retreats (e.g., 15+ days) to sharpen the mind, deeply perceive impermanence, and accelerate the burning of conditioning.
24. Avoid Substance Abuse
Avoid abusing drugs and alcohol, as it is a way to avoid sadness and anxiety, and changing these habits is a crucial step towards personal healing.
25. Get Ad-Free Podcast
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7 Key Quotes
The research strongly suggests that the quality of your relationships is probably the most important variable when it comes to your overall happiness.
Dan Harris
The mind wants to figure out how can I jump through these almost like illogical hoops to figure out how I can make this solely your fault and not accept any responsibility.
Diego Perez
The moment that you stop reacting, the moment that you're actually equanimous, all that old stuff automatically starts burning away.
Diego Perez
Love is Understanding.
Thich Nhat Hanh (quoted by Diego Perez)
The exact moment that you start craving it, the door closes. It's just not, just not even approachable.
Diego Perez
You don't just let people harm others. You're not just going to stand there like a vegetable. You're not just going to let whatever happen, happen.
S.N. Goenka (quoted by Diego Perez)
Being able to see perspectives outside of your own as a sign of intelligence and mental strength.
Diego Perez
2 Protocols
Responding to Rage in Conflict
Diego Perez- Understand that emotions are passing through you; do not fully identify with them (e.g., 'a lot of heaviness is moving through me' instead of 'I am angry').
- Slow down, literally, to feel what is happening.
- Honor the reality of the moment and what you are feeling.
- Give yourself time to act skillfully, rather than just reactively, to decide if you need to speak or address the situation.
Selfless Listening in Arguments
Diego Perez- Understand that the person you are arguing with is not your enemy, but someone you love and who is important to you.
- Approach the argument without intensity.
- When listening to your partner's story, do not think about how to retort or jump in.
- Do your best to fully listen and understand how things moved for them and where they are coming from.
- After listening, share how you landed in the moment from your perspective.