How to Give Feedback Without Ruining Everything | Kim Scott
Kim Scott, author of "Radical Candor" and "Just Work," discusses how to give effective feedback by caring personally and challenging directly, avoiding ruinous empathy, manipulative insincerity, and obnoxious aggression. She also shares strategies for addressing workplace injustice like bias, prejudice, and bullying.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Defining Radical Candor and Its Counterparts
Understanding the Quadrants of Feedback
Why We Struggle with Radical Candor
Story of Ruinous Empathy: The Case of Bob
Story of Radical Candor: The 'Um' Feedback
Compassion vs. Courage in Giving Feedback
Overcoming Reputation Management and Self-Interest
The Importance of Stating Intent and Building Relationships
Order of Operations for Practicing Radical Candor
Addressing Annoying Personal Styles and 'Feedback Debt'
The Wake-Up Call Leading to 'Just Work'
Addressing Workplace Injustice: Bias, Prejudice, and Bullying
Implementing Bias Disruptors in Teams
Responding to Prejudice with a Code of Conduct
Creating Consequences for Bullying
Responding When You Cause Harm: Listen and Address
Strategies for the Aggrieved Party: I, It, and You Statements
Moving Through Shame When Your Bias is Pointed Out
The Risks and Rewards of Speaking Up
The Impact of Power on Workplace Injustice
8 Key Concepts
Radical Candor
Radical candor occurs when you care personally about someone while simultaneously challenging them directly. It's about being clear and honest in your feedback, rooted in a genuine desire to help the other person improve and succeed.
Obnoxious Aggression
This quadrant describes challenging directly without showing that you care personally. It's often perceived as being a jerk or 'frontstabbing,' causing harm to the recipient without the benefit of perceived good intent.
Manipulative Insincerity
This is the worst quadrant, characterized by neither caring personally nor challenging directly. It manifests as passive-aggressive behavior, political maneuvering, backstabbing, or false apologies, often driven by self-interest or fear of confrontation.
Ruinous Empathy
This happens when you care personally but fail to challenge directly, often out of a desire not to hurt someone's feelings. While seemingly kind, it can be paralyzing and ultimately harmful, as it prevents people from receiving necessary feedback to improve.
Bias
Bias is typically an unconscious stereotype that individuals reject once they become aware of it. It's often not malicious but reflects ingrained assumptions that can lead to unfair treatment.
Prejudice
Prejudice refers to conscious, deeply held beliefs that cause harm to others. Unlike bias, it's not an unconscious stereotype but a deliberate belief system that influences actions and words.
Bullying
Bullying is defined as intentionally meaning harm, without necessarily having underlying beliefs (conscious or unconscious) about the person. It's about exerting power and control through aggressive or intimidating behavior.
Fundamental Attribution Error
This is the tendency to assume that a problem is solely due to some inherent attribute of another person, rather than considering situational factors or one's own role. It prevents individuals from seeing the situation from the other person's perspective.
11 Questions Answered
Feedback can be screwed up in three main ways: obnoxious aggression (challenging directly without caring), manipulative insincerity (neither caring nor challenging), and ruinous empathy (caring personally but failing to challenge directly).
It's hard because of early life training (e.g., 'be professional,' 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'), and the natural human tendency to avoid discomfort or hurting feelings, which can lead to ruinous empathy or manipulative insincerity.
Moving from ruinous empathy to radical candor often involves remembering the negative consequences of not speaking up, using storytelling to illustrate past mistakes, and focusing on compassion for the other person rather than personal discomfort.
The best way to start is by soliciting feedback from others, asking what you could do or stop doing to make it easier to work with you, and then rewarding the radical candor you receive.
Feedback should be given frequently, not saved for formal reviews. It should be impromptu, two-minute conversations, focusing on both praise and gentle criticism, while gauging the listener's response and adjusting your approach.
It's important to differentiate between important feedback and minor annoyances. For small, unchangeable things, try to let them go, following the rule of leaving three unimportant things unsaid daily. In intimate relationships, you might own your feelings and ask for an accommodation, but at work, you should manage your own neuroses.
Leaders can create safety by breaking down workplace injustice into component parts (bias, prejudice, bullying) and addressing each differently. This includes implementing 'bias disruptors,' establishing a clear code of conduct for prejudice, and creating clear consequences for bullying.
Bias disruptors are a three-part strategy to address unconscious bias: establishing a shared vocabulary for flagging bias, creating a shared norm for how to respond when one's bias is pointed out (e.g., 'thank you, I get it' or 'can you explain it after the meeting'), and a shared commitment to actively flag bias in meetings.
The key is to 'listen and address.' This involves moving through shame, not immediately asserting 'I didn't mean to,' but rather apologizing, listening to the impact of your actions, and then taking steps to make it right and educate yourself.
The aggrieved party should choose their response, becoming aware of the costs of silence versus the benefits of speaking up. They can use 'I statements' for bias, 'it statements' for prejudice (e.g., 'it is illegal'), and 'you statements' for bullying (e.g., 'you can't talk to me like that') while observing the other person's response and adjusting.
When bias is pointed out, acknowledge it by saying 'thank you for pointing it out.' If you don't understand, ask for an explanation after the meeting and commit to educating yourself. Be patient and persistent with yourself as you work to change unconscious patterns.
29 Actionable Insights
1. Care Personally, Challenge Directly
Practice radical candor by simultaneously showing genuine personal care for someone while also directly challenging their behavior or work. This combination is essential for effective communication and growth.
2. Measure Candor at Listener’s Ear
Always gauge how your feedback is being received by the listener and adjust your approach (more care or more directness) based on their response. This ensures your message lands effectively and is heard.
3. Solicit Feedback Before Giving
Prioritize asking for feedback from others about your own behavior before you offer criticism to them. This demonstrates humility, builds trust, and proves you can accept feedback yourself.
4. Practice Feedback Weekly, Impromptu
Integrate frequent, short, impromptu feedback conversations (both praise and criticism) into your weekly interactions, rather than saving them for formal reviews. This prevents feedback debt and makes communication more natural and effective.
5. Explicitly State Caring Intention
Clearly articulate your positive intention when giving feedback, stating that you are doing so because you care about the person or the relationship. This helps the listener receive difficult messages with less defensiveness.
6. Avoid Ruinous Empathy
Do not withhold direct, necessary feedback out of a desire to be ’nice’ or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, even when you care personally. This seemingly empathetic approach can ultimately be more damaging than directness.
7. Avoid Obnoxious Aggression
When challenging someone directly, always ensure you are also demonstrating personal care. Challenging without care leads to obnoxious aggression, which causes harm and creates workplace drama.
8. Avoid Manipulative Insincerity
Do not become indirect, passive-aggressive, or engage in backstabbing when you realize you’ve been too aggressive or fear confrontation. This behavior, known as manipulative insincerity, is the worst form of communication.
9. Understand Why Feedback Is Hard
Acknowledge and forgive yourself for the inherent difficulty of giving feedback, recognizing that societal conditioning (‘be professional,’ ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say’) makes it challenging. This self-compassion helps overcome mental blocks.
10. Frame Feedback as Compassion
Reframe the act of delivering difficult feedback as an act of compassion for the other person’s growth and well-being, rather than solely an act of courage. This perspective can be more inspiring and prevent cruel delivery.
11. Don’t Wait to Build Relationship
Do not delay giving candid feedback, even to new acquaintances, under the assumption that a relationship must be fully established first. Trust is built through early acts of honesty and clarity.
12. Labor of Love Creates Care
Engage in the ’labor’ of giving difficult but necessary feedback, as this active engagement in the relationship can actually generate deeper care and connection over time. This principle suggests that action can precede emotion.
13. Let Go of Unimportant Annoyances
Consciously choose to overlook minor annoyances or things that are not truly important or within your purview to change, aiming to leave three unimportant things unsaid daily. This helps maintain healthy relationships and focuses energy on significant issues.
14. Manage Your Own Neuroses
Take personal responsibility for managing your own quirks and sensitivities in a professional setting. At work, you should manage your own neuroses rather than expecting others to accommodate them.
15. Optimize for Success, Not Failure
Assume that radical candor will generally lead to positive outcomes (nine out of ten times), and don’t let the fear of rare negative reactions prevent you from practicing it. This helps overcome negativity bias.
16. Leaders: Break Down Injustice
As a leader, break down the complex problem of workplace injustice into its component parts: bias, prejudice, and bullying. This allows for targeted and more effective interventions rather than feeling overwhelmed.
17. Leaders: Implement Bias Disruptors
As a leader, roll out ‘bias disruptors’ on your team by establishing a shared vocabulary for flagging bias, a shared norm for responding when bias is pointed out, and a shared commitment to flag bias in every meeting. This creates a safe environment for addressing unconscious bias.
18. Leaders: Write Code of Conduct
As a leader, write a clear code of conduct for your team that explicitly defines the line between personal beliefs and unacceptable prejudiced behaviors or statements. This provides clear boundaries and a basis for addressing prejudice.
19. Leaders: Create Bullying Consequences
As a leader, establish clear conversational, compensation, and career consequences for bullying behavior. This deters bullying, protects team collaboration, and prevents the promotion of ‘brilliant jerks.’
20. When Causing Harm: Listen, Apologize
When receiving feedback that you’ve caused harm, listen actively, apologize genuinely without immediately defending your intent, and take steps to make things right. This acknowledges impact and addresses the harm effectively.
21. Move Through Shame (Bias)
When your bias is pointed out, manage shame by saying ‘Thank you for pointing it out’ and, if unclear, ask for clarification later (‘Can you explain it to me after the meeting?’). This allows for learning without defensiveness.
22. Educate Yourself on Bias
After bias is pointed out, take personal responsibility to research and understand the nature of the bias, rather than placing the entire educational burden on the person who flagged it. This fosters self-awareness and habit change.
23. Routinely Question Your Beliefs
Cultivate open-mindedness and regularly examine your own deep-seated beliefs and assumptions, especially when prejudice is pointed out. This helps uncover unconscious views and promotes personal growth.
24. Aggrieved Party: Choose to Speak Up
If you are harmed by workplace injustice, consciously evaluate the costs of remaining silent versus the benefits of speaking up, rather than defaulting to silence. This helps reclaim agency and avoid long-term negative impacts.
25. Aggrieved Party: Use ‘I’ for Bias
When encountering bias, use an ‘I’ statement (e.g., ‘I think we should switch seats’) to gently shift the dynamic and invite understanding from your perspective. This is effective for unconscious bias.
26. Aggrieved Party: Use ‘It’ for Prejudice
When encountering prejudice, use an ‘it’ statement (e.g., ‘It is illegal,’ ‘It is an HR violation’) to state a fact or principle, avoiding arguments about conscious beliefs. This grounds the response in established rules.
27. Aggrieved Party: Use ‘You’ for Bullying
When encountering bullying, use a ‘you’ statement (e.g., ‘You can’t talk to me like that,’ ‘What’s going on for you here?’) or change the subject to assert control and push the bully away. This avoids inviting the bully closer.
28. Aggrieved Party: Don’t Seek Perfection
Release the pressure to formulate a perfect response when addressing injustice. The goal is to speak up and take action, not to have an ideal reaction.
29. Implement Organizational Checks/Balances
Implement checks and balances within organizational structures and governance to mitigate the negative effects of power combined with bias, prejudice, and bullying. This prevents discrimination, harassment, and violence.
7 Key Quotes
Radical candor is caring personally at the same time that you're challenging directly.
Kim Scott
When you say every third word, it makes you sound stupid.
Kim Scott's Boss
It's not mean, it's clear.
Perfect Stranger
Radical candor gets measured not at the speaker's mouth, but at the listener's ear.
Kim Scott
We can't fix problems we refuse to notice.
Alan Eustace (quoted by Kim Scott)
Mom, they're trying to make me sad. Why would I tell them they succeeded?
Kim Scott's Daughter
Say something, you can always take it back. So just start.
Kim Scott's Great-Grandmother (quoted by Kim Scott)
3 Protocols
Order of Operations for Radical Candor
Kim Scott- Solicit feedback: Ask what you could do or stop doing that might make it easier to work with you.
- Give praise: Take a moment to give voice to the things you appreciate about the other person.
- Offer criticism gently: Start in a neutral place and notice how the other person is responding.
- Gauge and adjust: If the person is sad or mad, move up on the 'care personally' dimension. If they're not hearing you, move further on the 'challenge directly' dimension.
- Make it routine: Have these conversations on a weekly basis, not just for performance reviews. Solicit feedback every week, give praise multiple times a week, and offer criticism regularly in impromptu, two-minute chats.
Bias Disruptor Protocol
Kim Scott- Come up with a shared vocabulary: Agree on words or signals (e.g., 'purple flag,' 'come again,' 'meow') to use when noticing bias in a meeting.
- Establish a shared norm for responding to bias: When your bias is pointed out, respond with either 'Thank you for pointing it out, I get it, I'm working on it' or 'Thank you for pointing it out, but I don't get it, can you explain it to me after the meeting?'
- Make a shared commitment: Insist that bias is flagged in every meeting, understanding that if no bias is flagged, it means people either didn't notice or didn't speak up.
Responding to Workplace Injustice (as the Aggrieved Party or Upstander)
Kim Scott- Choose your response: Become aware of the costs and benefits of both silence and speaking up, and default to speaking up more often.
- If it's bias, use an 'I statement': Start with 'I' to invite the other person to understand your perspective (e.g., 'I think Aileen and I should switch seats').
- If it's prejudice, use an 'it statement': Start with 'it' to state a fact or rule without arguing (e.g., 'It is illegal to not hire someone because of their hair,' or 'It is ridiculous not to hire the most qualified candidate').
- If it's bullying, use a 'you statement': Start with 'you' to push the person away or change the dynamic (e.g., 'You can't talk to me like that,' or 'What's going on for you here?').
- Observe and adjust: Notice how the other person responds to your chosen statement and adjust your approach accordingly.