How To Handle 4 AM Worry Spirals | Bart van Melik
Bart van Melik, a guiding teacher at the Community Meditation Center in New York and self-described "worry warrior," shares practical tools for skillfully working with everyday anxiety. He discusses techniques like acknowledging worry, practicing self-kindness, and the crucial role of community in navigating fears.
Deep Dive Analysis
9 Topic Outline
Introduction to Working Skillfully with Everyday Worry
Bart van Melik's Personal Experience as a 'Worry Warrior'
Initial Tools for Acknowledging and Engaging with Worry
Addressing Aversion to Worry and the Limits of Mindful Breathing
The Importance of Sharing Fears and Worries with Others
Recognizing Worry When It Feels Like Reality: The 'What Is This?' Question
Understanding Delusion, Confusion, and Clinging to Opinions
The Fundamental Role of Community (Sangha) in Spiritual Practice
Bart's Community Meditation Center and Online Offerings
6 Key Concepts
Worry Warrior
A self-description used by Bart van Melik to characterize his natural tendency to frequently have 'what-if' thoughts and constantly anticipate worst-case scenarios, likening it to 'praying for stuff you don't want'.
This Wants to Be Seen Right Now
A practice phrase used in meditation to acknowledge the presence of a worrying thought or feeling without needing to understand its origin or immediately resolve it, simply recognizing its desire for attention.
Aversion to Worry
The deep-seated desire for unpleasant feelings, like worry, to disappear. This aversion can sometimes be more problematic than the worry itself, especially when it manifests as 'full-blown hatred' towards one's own anxious thoughts.
What Is This?
A low-barrier entry point question to foster curiosity when feeling tension or being stuck in the mind. It helps to snap out of identification with worry by prompting an inquiry into the present experience, even if the answer is 'not knowing' or 'confusion'.
Clinging to Opinions
A teaching from the Buddha, highlighted in the context of worry, where individuals hold onto their beliefs and opinions, often about worst-case scenarios, as if they are absolute truths, contributing to states of worry and delusion.
Sangha/Community
The fundamental importance of friendship and connection with other people for spiritual practice and life. It is considered the first prerequisite for awakening, helping individuals to reflect on and recognize difficult states like fear, worry, and confusion, and fostering a sense of not being alone.
7 Questions Answered
Bart suggests pausing to acknowledge the worry ('here you are again'), using the phrase 'this wants to be seen right now,' asking 'what would kindness do right now,' feeling the aversion to the worry itself, and talking about fears with other people.
Mindful breathing often fails because, deep down, there is an aversion or desire for the unpleasant feeling of worry to go away, rather than a willingness to fully acknowledge and feel it.
Engaging in community and reflecting on past experiences with others helps in faster recognition. Additionally, when feeling tension, asking 'what is this?' can foster curiosity and help snap one out of identification with the worry.
According to a Google search mentioned in the episode, the top two fears are public speaking (number one) and death (number two).
The lowest barrier is simply asking the question 'what is this?' when feeling tension. This question encourages curiosity and can help break the identification with the worrying thought, even if the immediate answer is 'I don't know' or 'confusion'.
The Buddha taught about clinging to opinions, and often when people are worried, confused, or deluded, they become opinionated and cling to these opinions, believing them to be true, which perpetuates anxious thinking.
The Buddha stated that friendship is the first prerequisite for awakening, and that a wiser, kinder view on life requires both the 'voice of another' and 'careful attention and mindfulness.' Community helps individuals reflect on their experiences, recognize difficult states, and strengthens the sense of not being alone in their practice.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Befriend Yourself and Mind
Approach your practice with the ultimate goal of making friends with yourself and your mind, rather than trying to eliminate difficult feelings.
2. Engage in Community, Share Fears
Actively engage in community and share your fears and worries with other people, as this is fundamental for recognizing and working with difficult emotions.
3. Ask ‘What Is This?’
When you feel tension or are stuck in your mind, ask yourself the simple question, ‘What is this?’ to cultivate curiosity and snap out of identification with the feeling.
4. Acknowledge Worry: ‘Here Again’
When worry arises, pause and acknowledge its presence by saying, ‘Here you are again,’ which helps create space from the worrying thought.
5. Acknowledge Worry: ‘Wants to Be Seen’
During meditation or when worry appears, tell yourself, ‘This wants to be seen right now,’ allowing the feeling to be present without needing to understand its origin.
6. Ask ‘What Would Kindness Do?’
When experiencing worry, ask yourself, ‘What would kindness do right now?’ to shift your perspective towards self-compassion and hold the feeling gently.
7. Feel Aversion to Worry
Sense into and fully feel your aversion or hatred towards worrying, allowing yourself to experience this unpleasant feeling completely, which can lead to softening.
8. Identify Physical Sensations
Name and locate the physical sensations of worry in your body, such as curled toes, to connect with its bodily manifestation.
9. Be Honest About Fears with Kids
Be frank and honest with your children about your own fears, offering a great gift of openness that can help them process their own anxieties.
10. Observe Clinging to Opinions
Notice when you are clinging to your opinions, especially when in states of worry, confusion, or delusion, as this clinging can perpetuate suffering.
11. Combine Practice and Community
If you feel the tendency to isolate, sit for five minutes, and then revisit the question of who you could reach out to, embracing both individual practice and community engagement.
12. Consistently Participate in Groups
Strongly consider consistently showing up for a group of people, even online, as community provides essential support for your practice.
13. Maintain Weekly Connections
Cultivate weekly connections with a group or a friend to discuss your experiences, as ongoing dialogue is crucial for support and understanding.
14. Recall Group Support Benefits
When you feel disinclined to join a group, recall how past group experiences were supportive, as collective practice can be empowering.
15. Try Mindful Breathing
Utilize mindful breathing as a tool to work with worry, though be aware that it may not always be effective.
16. Don’t Be Discouraged by Not Knowing
Do not be discouraged if you don’t immediately know the answer to ‘What is this?’, as the act of asking the question itself is beneficial.
7 Key Quotes
Your mind is like constantly whispering for stuff that you don't want. It's almost like praying for stuff you don't want, worrying.
Bart van Melik
This wants to be seen right now.
Bart van Melik
What would kindness do right now?
Bart van Melik
Deep down, I want the shitty feeling to go away. I don't want to keep thinking about this stuff.
Bart van Melik
Greed feels like a hole in the heart. Anger or hatred feels like a fire in the heart. And delusion feels like the truth.
Matthew Brensilver (quoted by DJ Cashmere)
start with friendship.
The Buddha (quoted by Bart van Melik)
if you really want to have a more wiser, kinder view on life, it only takes two things, the voice of another and careful attention and mindfulness.
The Buddha (quoted by Bart van Melik)
2 Protocols
Working with Everyday Worry
Bart van Melik- Pause and acknowledge the worry, perhaps with a sigh, saying 'here you are again'.
- Use the phrase 'this wants to be seen right now' to acknowledge its presence.
- Name the feeling and feel it in the body (e.g., 'curled up toes' as a jolt of fear/anxiety).
- If mindful breathing doesn't work, ask yourself 'what would kindness do right now?'.
- Check and feel the aversion to the worry itself, letting yourself feel the unpleasantness completely.
- Talk about it with other people; don't hold it all to yourself, share your fears.
Recognizing Worry When Stuck in the Mind
Bart van Melik- When feeling tension and everything your mind says seems true, ask 'what is this? What's going on?' to become curious.
- If you don't know the answer, acknowledge 'this is what not knowing feels like' or 'confusion might feel like', as the question itself can snap you out of identification.