How To Handle Dilemmas, Drift, Indecision, and Difficult People | Gretchen Rubin
Gretchen Rubin, author and podcaster, shares how aphorisms can combat 'wisdom evaporation.' She discusses making decisions for a 'bigger life,' the dangers of indecision, the power of emotional validation, and insights from her new book, 'The Secrets of Adulthood.'
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Aphorisms and Remembering Wisdom
Defining Aphorisms and Their Utility for Life
Gretchen's Strategies for Remembering Personal Goals
The 'Bigger Life' Principle and Pet Ownership
Self-Cultivation: Lies as Information and Appreciating the Present
Navigating Relationships: Validation, Repetition, and Interconnectedness
Work and Collaboration: Effort vs. Impact, and Task Assignment
Confronting Dilemmas: Paradox, Imperfection, and Indecision
The Danger of Conventional Wisdom and Reexamination
Practical Hacks for Daily Life and Social Interactions
The Importance of Asking for Help
Skillful Social Interactions and Conversation Starters
The Benefits of Walking During Difficult Conversations
7 Key Concepts
Aphorism
An aphorism is a brief, one or two-sentence general insight about human nature that is attributed to a specific person, distinguishing it from a proverb which is folk wisdom. They are useful because their conciseness helps them stick in the brain, clarify thinking, and influence thoughts more effectively.
Bigger Life
The 'bigger life' principle suggests that when faced with a decision, one should choose the option that leads to a more expansive, growth-oriented, and enriching experience, even if it involves more work or responsibility. This choice is relative to individual circumstances and values, aiming for an atmosphere of growth rather than stagnation.
Fantasy Self
A 'fantasy self' refers to an idealized version of oneself that one wishes to embody, but whose actions are not aligned with current behaviors. Recognizing when one lies about actions (e.g., how often they ride a bike) can reveal a conflict between this fantasy self and reality, providing an opportunity to either align actions with values or let go of the unrealistic ideal.
Emotional Validation
Emotional validation is the act of acknowledging and affirming another person's feelings without necessarily agreeing with their perspective or offering solutions. Instead of trying to 'fix' their unhappiness or tell them it's 'not so bad,' validating their feelings (e.g., 'that sounds frustrating') makes them feel heard and understood, which is often more powerful than offering solutions.
Shirking of Tasks
The 'shirking of tasks' refers to the tendency for individuals to contribute less to a shared responsibility when tasks are not clearly assigned. In shared work, people often overestimate their own contributions and underestimate others', leading to resentment and uneven distribution of effort, making clear assignments more effective than general sharing.
Drift
Drift occurs when individuals allow decisions to be made by chance or default, rather than making mindful choices. It involves going with the flow or the easier course, often leading to missed opportunities or unintended outcomes because time passes and forecloses certain options without conscious engagement.
Paradoxical Truths
Paradoxical truths are profound insights where seemingly opposite ideas can both be true simultaneously, often revealing a deeper, more nuanced reality. Examples include 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' or the idea that love is both unconditional and demanding, highlighting the complexity of human experience.
10 Questions Answered
An aphorism is a brief, attributed insight about human nature, distinct from a proverb. They are useful because their concise nature makes them easier to remember, clarifies thinking, and helps wisdom 'pop into your mind' at the right moment, acting like positive earworms.
Gretchen Rubin suggests creating an annual list of 20-something goals (e.g., '25 for 25') and reviewing it periodically. Another strategy is to commit to doing something every single day, as it can be easier to maintain than doing it 'some days,' or picking a theme for the year to guide your focus.
You should pay special attention to anything you lie about or try to hide, as it's a strong indicator that your actions are in conflict with your values. This discrepancy provides valuable information, prompting you to either align your actions with your values or let go of an unrealistic 'fantasy self.'
You can make people happier by acknowledging their feelings rather than trying to fix the problem or deny their unhappiness. Phrases like 'that sounds really frustrating' or 'wow, that really hurt your feelings' validate their experience and make them feel understood, which is often more powerful than offering solutions.
You can discern what matters to people when they repeat themselves. If someone keeps telling the same story or making the same point, it often signifies that they need that particular point or feeling to be acknowledged by you before they can move on.
No, the person who works the hardest isn't necessarily doing the best work. Sometimes, a more efficient or insightful approach, even if it involves less visible effort, can yield superior results, and over-focusing on 'the grind' can distract from identifying truly essential contributions.
The sharing of tasks often leads to the shirking of tasks, as individuals tend to overestimate their own contributions and underestimate others'. It's often more effective to assign clear responsibilities rather than expecting people to 'chip in' or 'step up,' which can lead to resentment and uneven workload distribution.
Recognize that 'not deciding is a decision, not choosing is a choice.' To avoid drift, mindfully grapple with choices, even if it means consciously refraining from a decision for a specific reason. Otherwise, time will pass, and opportunities may be foreclosed without your active engagement.
A great conversation starter is to ask, 'What's keeping you busy these days?' This open-ended question allows the other person to talk about whatever they find interesting or relevant, whether it's work, hobbies, or recent experiences, and can help you gather information without being intrusive.
If possible, have a challenging conversation while walking. People often speak more freely side-by-side than face-to-face, a walk provides a natural beginning and end, and the physical activity can help manage nervous energy while the environment can be calming and spark new perspectives.
28 Actionable Insights
1. Make Mindful Decisions
Actively make decisions rather than drifting, as not deciding is itself a choice that can lead to missed opportunities; mindfully grapple with choices to ensure you’re not just going with the default or easier course.
2. Heed Lies and Hiding
Pay special attention to anything you lie about or try to hide, as it’s a strong indicator that your actions are in conflict with your values, providing valuable information for self-reflection and potential change.
3. Acknowledge Others’ Unhappiness
Make people happier by acknowledging their unhappy feelings (e.g., “that sounds frustrating,” “that really hurt your feelings”) rather than denying or trying to fix them, as people primarily want to feel validated and understood.
4. Heed Repetitions
Pay close attention when people repeat themselves, as it indicates what truly matters to them; if you haven’t acknowledged their point, they will continue to repeat it until they feel heard and understood.
5. Assign Tasks, Don’t Share
To avoid conflict and ensure tasks are completed, assign specific responsibilities rather than sharing tasks, as shared tasks often lead to individuals overestimating their contribution and others shirking responsibility.
6. Use Memorable Phrases
To counteract forgetting wisdom from podcasts or books, use memorable little phrases (aphorisms) that capture the wisdom and pop into your mind when needed, acting as “earworms” to guide behavior.
7. Choose the Bigger Life
When at a crossroads, make decisions that lead to a “bigger life,” which for some families might mean taking on more responsibility and growth, while for others it might mean less responsibility for more freedom.
8. Re-examine Conventional Wisdom
Be wary of conventional wisdom, as societies can be wrong for very long periods without noticing; consistently re-examine beliefs and practices, especially if there’s no clear evidence supporting them.
9. Ask for Help
Remember that it’s okay to ask for help, even if it feels difficult or counterintuitive, as seeking information or assistance from others can be a more effective way to solve problems than trying to figure everything out alone.
10. Walk During Tough Talks
When having a challenging conversation, do it while walking, as people often speak more freely side-by-side, the walk provides a natural beginning and end, and the physical activity helps manage nervous energy and promotes calmness.
11. Appreciate the Present Moment
Remember that “one day now will be a long time ago” to appreciate the present moment more deeply, recognizing that current experiences, whether good or bad, are temporary and will pass.
12. Do Important Tasks Daily
If something is important, try to do it every single day, as it can be easier to maintain a daily habit than to do it “some days,” ensuring it stays top-of-mind and doesn’t drift away.
13. Create Annual ‘20 for 20’ List
Make a list of 20 things you want to do each year (e.g., “25 for 25”) to ensure important aims are not forgotten, and check on it periodically, such as on “halfway day.”
14. Choose an Annual Theme
Select a theme for the year (e.g., “salt,” “bigger,” “door”) to provide focus and a framework for personal growth and understanding current life transitions.
15. Hard Work Isn’t Always Best
Recognize that working the hardest or putting in the most hours doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing the best work or making the biggest contribution; focus on what is essential and effective rather than just the grind.
16. Recognize Invisible Work
Be aware that a lot of work, especially in teams or relationships, is “invisible” to others; acknowledge that people tend to prioritize what they perceive as important, and what you don’t see might still be a significant contribution.
17. Accept Blame with Credit
If you take credit for successes, you must also be prepared to accept blame for failures, as responsibility encompasses both positive and negative outcomes.
18. Grant Wish and Fantasy
When someone expresses a desire that cannot be fulfilled, give them their “wish and fantasy” by acknowledging their desire and expressing empathy (e.g., “I wish I could wave a wand and give you all the eggs”), showing understanding and presence.
19. Practice ‘Love No Matter What’
When disagreeing with others, use the phrase “love no matter what” to remember that everyone acts out their conditioning, fostering understanding and compassion rather than anger.
20. Use ‘Dead End’ Phrase
When caught in angry inner diatribes or unproductive thought patterns, use the phrase “dead end” to interrupt the cycle and recognize that the path leads nowhere.
21. Leverage Aphorisms for Clarity
Use concise, crystallized aphorisms to clarify thinking and improve memory of important insights, as their condensed nature helps them stick in the mind and influence thoughts better.
22. Make an ‘Album of Now’
Create an “album of now” by taking pictures of your current surroundings, like rooms, fridge contents, or street, to capture ordinary details that will become interesting and memorable in the future.
23. Go Outside or Sleep
When feeling lost or unsure of what to do with yourself, go outside or go to sleep, as these simple actions often provide clarity, calm, or a fresh perspective.
24. Bring Guest to Family Occasions
If you’re dreading a family occasion, bring a guest, as the presence of an outsider can often encourage difficult family members to behave better due to “company manners.”
25. Limit Hobby/Travel Talk
Be mindful that others may not be as interested in your hobbies or travels as they appear; share a cute story or two, but then let it go to avoid boring people, recognizing that humor often masks disinterest.
26. Ask ‘What’s Keeping You Busy?’
When struggling for a conversation topic or needing to recall someone’s activities, ask “What’s keeping you busy these days?” as it allows people to share what they want and can provide useful information.
27. Reintroduce Yourself
If there’s a chance someone might not remember your name, reintroduce yourself, as it’s always helpful and prevents awkwardness, especially in situations with many people or cognitive overload.
28. Hold Hands During Conflict
During intense face-to-face conversations or conflicts, hold someone’s hand or maintain physical contact (e.g., knees touching) to make it harder to yell and foster a sense of connection and calm.
6 Key Quotes
We're part of a lineage of thieves.
Joseph Goldstein
Happiness doesn't always make us feel happy.
Gretchen Rubin
I can't fix it, but I can sit in the dark with you.
Brene Brown
Hell is other people. But heaven is other people.
Gretchen Rubin
To finish a painting, one must spoil it a little.
Eugene Delacroix (quoted by Gretchen Rubin)
The people who love to eat are always the best people.
Julia Child (quoted by Gretchen Rubin)
4 Protocols
Annual Goal Setting and Review
Gretchen Rubin- Create a list of 20-something things you want to do that year (e.g., '25 for 25').
- Check on the list periodically, such as halfway through the year, to remind yourself of your aims.
Mindful Daily Practice for Aims
Gretchen Rubin- Identify an aim or activity that is important to you.
- Commit to doing it every single day, as this can be easier to maintain than doing it 'some days' and prevents it from drifting away.
Dealing with Difficult Family Occasions
Gretchen Rubin- If you are dreading a family occasion, bring a guest.
- Difficult family members often behave better in front of outsiders, improving the atmosphere.
Conducting a Challenging Conversation
Gretchen Rubin- Choose to have the conversation while walking, if possible.
- Speak side-by-side rather than face-to-face to encourage freer communication.
- Utilize the natural beginning, middle, and end of a walk to structure the conversation.
- Allow the physical activity to serve as an outlet for nervous energy.
- Leverage the calming effect of being in nature or an interesting environment to foster a more constructive dialogue.
- Use external observations (e.g., 'look at that') as brief breaks if the conversation becomes too intense.