How to Keep Your Relationships On the Rails | Kaira Jewel Lingo (2021)
Kaira Jewel Lingo, a lay dharma teacher and former nun, discusses Thich Nhat Hanh's "Beginning Anew" practice. This Buddhist tool offers four steps to resolve conflict, strengthen relationships, and foster appreciation, even for skeptics.
Deep Dive Analysis
11 Topic Outline
Introduction to Relationships and the Beginning Anew Practice
Historical Context of the Beginning Anew Practice
Addressing Skepticism Towards Formal Relationship Practices
Deep Dive into Step 1: Expressing Appreciation
Deep Dive into Step 2: Expressing Regret
Deep Dive into Step 3: Expressing Hurt
Deep Dive into Step 4: Sharing What's Alive
Customizing the Practice and Starting Simple
Understanding 'Success' in Beginning Anew
Navigating Challenges and Misperceptions in the Practice
Situations Where Beginning Anew Is Not Appropriate
5 Key Concepts
Beginning Anew Practice
A Buddhist tool for resolving conflict and refreshing relationships, rooted in ancient monastic practices, involving four steps: expressing appreciation, expressing regret, expressing hurt, and sharing what's alive. It aims to prevent difficulties from growing and to keep relationships fresh.
Watering Flowers (Metaphor)
This metaphor refers to the act of expressing genuine appreciation for others, which helps their positive qualities grow and strengthens relationships. By regularly acknowledging the good in people, one actively nurtures those aspects, much like a gardener tending to plants.
Pebbles (Metaphor for Regrets)
This metaphor describes small, unaddressed regrets or unskillful actions that, if left unacknowledged, accumulate over time. These 'pebbles' can lead to internal knots of self-reproach and can damage the core of relationships by creating tension and resentment.
Amygdala Hijack
A term for when the emotional, reactive part of the brain (the amygdala) takes over, causing the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thought) to shut down. The 'Beginning Anew' practice, particularly starting with appreciation, helps prevent this by keeping individuals calm and open during difficult conversations.
Reconciliation Within Oneself
This concept suggests that healing and resolution can occur internally, even if direct interaction with another person is not possible or appropriate. By engaging in the steps of appreciation, acknowledging one's own contributions, and working towards forgiveness internally, one can alleviate personal suffering.
7 Questions Answered
It's a Buddhist tool, originating from the time of the Buddha and formalized by Thich Nhat Hanh, designed to refresh and strengthen relationships by systematically expressing appreciation, regret, hurt, and sharing personal context.
It helps participants see the whole picture of the person, preventing focus solely on the negative, and creates a buffer of goodwill that makes it easier to address difficulties without triggering defensiveness.
The practice is highly customizable; one can adapt the language (e.g., 'expressing appreciation' instead of 'watering flowers') and formality, focusing on the essence of gratitude and connection, and starting with just the first two steps.
It prevents small unacknowledged 'pebbles' of regret from accumulating into larger issues, cleanses the relationship, and allows individuals to release internal burdens, fostering clarity and preventing future damage.
It's advised to use 'I' statements, such as 'When you did this, I felt this way,' taking responsibility for one's own feelings and giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that their intention might have been different.
Yes, the practice of reconciliation can largely take place within oneself, by going through the steps internally to appreciate the person, acknowledge one's own contributions, and work towards forgiveness.
Yes, it is not recommended if there is abuse, a lack of respect or dignity, or if one or both individuals are at a very high intensity of anger, resentment, or bitterness (e.g., an 8, 9, or 10 on a scale of intensity).
16 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Relationship Quality for Happiness
Focus on the quality of your relationships with other people, as studies show this is what truly makes us happy and determines the quality of your life. Recognize that relationships are skills that can be honed through practice.
2. Investigate Initial Skepticism
When you feel tempted to dismiss an idea or practice, view it as a potential sign that there might be something valuable worth investigating underneath your initial resistance.
3. Regular Relationship Refresh: Beginning Anew
Adopt the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice, derived from Buddhist tradition, as a regular routine (e.g., weekly) to refresh and strengthen your relationships, prevent difficulties from escalating, and resolve conflicts.
4. Begin with Heartfelt Appreciation
Start any relationship check-in or conflict resolution by expressing genuine appreciation for the other person, acknowledging their positive qualities and contributions to your life. This ‘waters the good seeds’ in them, strengthens your bond, and creates a buffer for future difficulties.
5. Cultivate Positive Perception
Actively look for and acknowledge the good in others, as ‘whatever we water grows.’ Regularly focusing on people’s strengths helps those qualities grow in them and counteracts your own negativity bias, fostering a more positive internal landscape.
6. Clear Relationship Pebbles with Regret
Regularly express genuine regret for any unskillful actions or words, even small ones, to prevent ‘pebbles’ of unresolved issues from accumulating and damaging the relationship. This practice cleanses the relationship and can clarify misperceptions.
7. Express Hurt Without Blame
In a one-on-one setting, express your hurt by focusing on your own feelings and experiences (‘when you said/did this, I felt…’) rather than blaming the other person. This allows for healing and understanding without triggering defensiveness.
8. Frame Concerns as “My Story”
When expressing difficult feelings or concerns, use phrases like ’the story I’m telling myself is…’ to articulate your anxieties or perceptions without them landing as accusations. This prevents triggering the other person’s defensiveness.
9. Listen to Hurt, Delay Correction
When someone expresses their hurt, listen fully without immediately correcting their misperceptions. Allow them to release what’s inside, and if necessary, schedule a separate time to clarify your perspective once the intensity has subsided.
10. Share Life’s Context for Understanding
Share what’s currently happening in your life, including any difficulties or challenges, to provide context for your behavior. This helps others be more supportive, understanding, and prevents them from taking your actions or changes in behavior personally.
11. Personalize Your Beginning Anew
Adapt the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice to suit your relationships and preferences, letting go of overly formal elements if they cause resistance. You can combine it with special treats, create a specific atmosphere, or adjust the duration.
12. Start with Appreciation and Regret
When introducing ‘Beginning Anew’ to others, especially those new to mindfulness, start by focusing only on the first two steps: expressing appreciation and regret. This builds a solid foundation before introducing more challenging steps.
13. Reconcile Within Yourself
Even if direct communication isn’t possible or safe, practice reconciliation within yourself by going through the steps of appreciating the person, acknowledging your contributions to the difficulty, and working towards forgiveness. This helps heal your own suffering.
14. Practice When Emotionally Stable
Only engage in ‘Beginning Anew’ for conflict resolution when both parties are emotionally stable (at a ‘five or lower’ on an intensity scale of anger/resentment). Avoid using it when raging or wanting to ‘strangle the other person.’
15. Avoid in Abusive Relationships
Do not use the ‘Beginning Anew’ practice in situations involving abuse, a lack of respect for dignity and safety, or an inability of one person to take responsibility for their actions. This tool requires a baseline of trust and psychological stability.
16. Success May Mean Parting Ways
Understand that a successful ‘Beginning Anew’ practice doesn’t always mean the relationship must continue in its previous form. It can be a heartfelt way to honor shared experiences and then respectfully part ways if that is the clear outcome.
6 Key Quotes
The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.
Esther Perel (quoted by Dan Harris)
Whatever we water grows.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
We're gardeners of each other. Each person is our garden.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
You know that the person you care about sees your goodness. So when they say, look, you just really messed up, you don't take it as personally. You don't feel like it's a character flaw. You know, okay, I had an unskillful moment. Let me do better. Because you've been receiving all this really yummy watering, so you can handle some pruning.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
Reconciliation takes place within oneself.
Thich Nhat Hanh (quoted by Kaira Jewel Lingo)
Let your amygdala speak.
Ben Rubin (quoted by Dan Harris)
2 Protocols
The Beginning Anew Practice (Four Steps)
Kaira Jewel Lingo- Expressing Appreciation (or 'Watering Each Other's Flowers'): Let the person know what you genuinely appreciate in them, focusing on their positive qualities and contributions to your life. This step is crucial and cannot be skipped, especially when resolving conflict, to ensure a balanced perspective.
- Expressing Regret: Acknowledge and apologize for any unskillful actions or words, even small ones, to prevent 'pebbles' of regret from accumulating and damaging the relationship. This helps clear tension and allows for self-correction.
- Expressing Hurt (for conflict resolution, typically between two people): Share how specific actions or words impacted you, using non-blaming language (e.g., 'When you did this, I felt this way') and taking responsibility for your own feelings. This step aims to clarify misunderstandings and facilitate healing.
- Sharing What's Alive (personal context): Communicate any difficulties, challenges, or significant life events that are currently influencing you, to provide context for your behavior and prevent others from taking changes in your demeanor personally.
Beginning Anew for Children (Flower Petal Exercise)
Kaira Jewel Lingo- Place the child's name in the center of a flower drawing, with enough large petals for each classmate.
- Pass the paper around the circle to all students.
- Each student writes in one petal what they appreciate about the child whose name is in the center.