How to Keep Your Relationships On the Rails | Kaira Jewel Lingo
Kaira Jewel Lingo, a former nun in Thich Nhat Hanh's Order of Interbeing, discusses the ancient Buddhist practice of "Beginning Anew." She explains its four steps for resolving conflict and strengthening relationships, highlighting how even skeptics can benefit from this humility and gratitude practice.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Beginning Anew Practice
History and Origins of Beginning Anew
Addressing Skepticism Towards Formal Practices
Customizing and Adapting the Beginning Anew Practice
Deep Dive into Step 1: Expressing Appreciation
The Power of Watering Wholesome Seeds
Deep Dive into Step 2: Expressing Regret
The Importance of Clearing Accumulating Pebbles
Deep Dive into Step 3: Expressing Hurt in Conflict
Discerning When and How to Express Hurt
5 Key Concepts
Beginning Anew Practice
A Buddhist tool for resolving conflict and refreshing relationships, originating from the time of the Buddha. It involves a structured process of expressing appreciation, regret, hurt, and sharing personal difficulties to prevent issues from escalating and deepen connections.
Watering Flowers
This metaphor describes the first step of Beginning Anew, where participants express genuine appreciation for others. It helps individuals recognize the good in others, strengthens positive qualities, and builds a buffer of goodwill for when conflicts inevitably arise.
Clearing Pebbles
This metaphor refers to the second step of Beginning Anew, where individuals express regret for unskillful actions or words. It prevents small issues from accumulating into larger problems, cleanses the relationship, and allows for self-reflection and amends.
Gardening of Each Other
This concept illustrates how expressing appreciation for someone's positive qualities (watering flowers) helps those qualities grow and manifest more strongly in them. It also strengthens one's own ability to perceive and acknowledge the good in others, counteracting negativity bias.
Amygdala Hijack Prevention
By starting difficult conversations with appreciation, the Beginning Anew practice helps prevent the amygdala (the brain's stress response center) from being activated. This allows both parties to remain in a more rational state, fostering constructive dialogue rather than fight-or-flight reactions.
7 Questions Answered
It's a Buddhist tool, originating from the time of the Buddha, for refreshing relationships and resolving conflicts by openly expressing appreciation, regret, hurt, and personal difficulties.
Skeptics can customize the practice to be less formal, focusing on the core elements of gratitude and open communication, which are supported by science for strengthening relationships, similar to general gratitude practices.
Starting with appreciation helps both parties see the whole picture of the relationship, prevents the amygdala (stress response) from hijacking the conversation, and creates a buffer of goodwill that makes it easier to address difficult issues.
Expressing regret clears small 'pebbles' of unskillful actions or words that, if left unaddressed, can accumulate over time, damage the relationship's core, and lead to internal knots of self-criticism.
This step is used when there's been a specific conflict or misunderstanding between two people, allowing the harmed individual to communicate their feelings without blame, and with the intention of rebuilding the relationship. It is done privately between the involved parties.
No, it requires discernment; sometimes, if the other person cannot take criticism due to their own suffering, it may be more effective to focus on watering their positive qualities rather than pointing out what went wrong.
Yes, the practice can be adapted to be less formal than monastic life, such as sharing appreciation during a walk, over a special drink, or in a customized time frame like 40 minutes with a partner.
31 Actionable Insights
1. Water Positive Qualities
Actively ‘water’ the positive qualities in others by regularly expressing appreciation for what they do well, as this encourages those positive traits to grow and strengthen, rather than focusing on weaknesses.
2. Start Conflict with Appreciation
When addressing conflict, always start by identifying and expressing appreciation for the other person’s positive qualities or actions to ensure you approach the situation with a holistic perspective, rather than being consumed by negativity.
3. Regularly Clean Relationships
Regularly ‘clean’ your relationships by expressing regret for even small missteps, preventing ‘pebbles’ of unaddressed issues from accumulating into larger knots that damage self-perception and relationships.
4. Communicate Hurt Constructively
When hurt, communicate it directly and constructively, avoiding outbursts or suppression, by first affirming care and acknowledging your own role, then clearly stating how a specific action impacted you.
5. Build Goodwill Buffer
Regularly express appreciation to build a ‘buffer’ of goodwill in relationships, making it easier to handle inevitable conflicts and criticisms without taking them personally, as both parties know their fundamental goodness is seen.
6. Prevent Amygdala Hijacks
When engaging in difficult conversations, employ strategies like expressing appreciation first to prevent amygdala hijacks, thereby keeping the prefrontal cortex active for more rational and productive communication.
7. Embrace Ego-Challenging Practices
When practices feel ‘cheesy’ or confront your ego, lean into them, as they serve as humility practices that open and grow your heart by shifting focus from self to others.
8. Model Vulnerability & Improvement
Model vulnerability and a willingness to improve by openly admitting mistakes and expressing a desire to do better, as this can inspire similar behavior in others.
9. Prioritize Relationship Effectiveness
Prioritize the effectiveness of relationship practices over personal resistance to formality or specific language, customizing them as needed to achieve and maintain better relationships.
10. Water Goodness in Difficult People
If a person cannot take criticism, shift your strategy to primarily ‘water what’s good in them’ by expressing genuine appreciation, rather than focusing on their hurtful actions, to foster a more loving response.
11. Use ‘I’ Statements for Hurt
When expressing hurt, use ‘I’ statements to describe your feelings and the impact on you, avoiding blame or judgment, and taking responsibility for your own role in the situation.
12. Listen Without Correcting
When someone expresses their hurt, practice active listening without immediately correcting their perceptions, allowing them to fully share their experience.
13. Clarify Misperceptions Later
If someone expresses hurt based on misperceptions, prioritize letting them release their feelings first, then schedule a separate time to calmly clarify your perspective, acknowledging their hurt while gently correcting misunderstandings.
14. Examine Internal Complaints
Examine your own internal complaints and critical thoughts about others, as they can contribute to your own resentment and reveal your role in relationship problems.
15. Discern Constructive Feedback
Discern whether pointing out what’s not going well will actually serve to rebuild a relationship, ensuring your words come from an intention to heal and rebuild, not to blame, diminish, or play the victim.
16. Inform Others of Hurt
Inform others when their actions hurt you, as this provides them with the opportunity to understand your boundaries and adjust their behavior, preventing unintentional harm.
17. Customize Formal Practices
Customize formal practices like ‘Beginning Anew’ by focusing on core elements such as expressing appreciation and optionally expressing regrets, rather than strictly adhering to all steps or formalities.
18. Create Practice Rituals
Enhance relationship-building practices by creating a special atmosphere or ritual, such as a unique drink or lighting a fire, to associate the practice with positive reinforcement and make it more anticipated.
19. Regular Relationship Reckoning
Implement a regular (e.g., bi-weekly) practice of checking in on your relationships and life to assess how things are unfolding, make amends, and practice repentance for any actions that have gone off track.
20. Share Life Context
Share your current difficulties or what’s ‘alive’ for you with close relationships to provide context, preventing others from taking things personally or projecting assumptions due to unknown backstories.
21. Parents Express Regret
Parents should practice humility by expressing regret to their children, as this validates the children’s experiences and reduces hierarchical barriers, fostering a healthier relationship.
22. Consciously Seek Goodness
Consciously seek out the good in others, as this practice activates and strengthens your own positive mental ‘seeds,’ leading to a snowball effect of increased positivity and insight.
23. Deepen Understanding Through Appreciation
Regularly ask yourself and others, ‘Do I know you enough? Do I understand you enough?’ and use opportunities to express appreciation for aspects you may have overlooked, thereby deepening your understanding and relationship.
24. Strengthen Wholesome Seeds
Participate in group appreciation practices, as witnessing others express gratitude can strengthen your own ‘wholesome seeds’ and positive consciousness.
25. Express Genuine Care
Simply express what you genuinely care about in others, as this can be done informally and strengthens connections.
26. Use Timer for Equal Talk
When engaging in relationship discussions, use a timer to ensure each person has equal speaking time, promoting fairness and structured communication.
27. Cultivate Regular Gratitude
Actively cultivate a regular practice of gratitude, perhaps through guided meditations, as it is a skill that can be improved over time.
28. Acknowledge Harmful Impact
Acknowledge when your actions have caused harm or inconvenience to others, ensuring they know you recognize the impact and intend to avoid repeating it.
29. Release Personal Burdens
Express your regrets even if you’re unsure of their impact, as this can release personal burdens and provide an opportunity to clarify if your perceptions of how things landed for others are accurate.
30. Prevent Relationship Explosions
Regularly engage in practices like ‘Beginning Anew’ to keep relationships fresh, prevent difficulties from escalating, and avoid irreparable damage.
31. Investigate What You Dismiss
When you feel a temptation to dismiss something, recognize that this often indicates there’s something worth investigating underneath, suggesting you should explore it further.
7 Key Quotes
When my temptation to dismiss something arises, usually there's something worth investigating underneath.
Dan Harris
It's not about flattery. It's not about saying things that aren't true. It's just about looking at the humans that happen to make our life possible and saying thank you.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
Whatever we water grows. So if we're constantly harping on someone's, you know, weaknesses, that's what's going to get strengthened in them. But if we are regularly telling people, boy, you are really good at this. I really appreciate you for this. That's going to grow.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
When you start doing it, the process leads you to see more things as you're talking because you're giving that part of your consciousness nourishment.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
You know that the person you care about sees your goodness. So when they say, look, you just really messed up. You don't take it as personally. You don't feel like it's a character flaw. You know, okay, I had an unskillful moment. Let me do better. Because you've been receiving all this really yummy watering, so you can handle some pruning.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
If you think of something that you've done that you regret as being like a pebble... over weeks and months and years, all those pebbles accumulate. And they lead us to actually think poorly of ourselves.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
It's so painful if you're the one that's hurt someone else, and you never know about it, and somehow just this person starts avoiding you and breaks off the connection, and you never know why.
Kaira Jewel Lingo
1 Protocols
The Beginning Anew Practice (Four Steps)
Kaira Jewel Lingo (describing the practice as taught by Thich Nhat Hanh and adapted for lay life)- **Watering Flowers (Expressing Appreciation):** Express genuine appreciation for the person or people you are with, recognizing their positive qualities and contributions. This step is crucial and should not be skipped, especially when resolving conflict, to ensure a holistic view of the person.
- **Expressing Regret:** Acknowledge and express regret for any unskillful actions, words, or omissions you have made. This helps to clear small issues ('pebbles') that might accumulate and damage relationships over time.
- **Expressing Hurt (Optional, for conflicts between two people):** If there has been a specific conflict, express how you were hurt by the other person's actions or words. This should be done without blaming, taking responsibility for your own role, and with the intention of rebuilding the relationship. This step is typically done privately between the involved parties, possibly with a neutral support person.
- **Sharing What's Alive (Optional):** Share any current difficulties, challenges, or significant shifts in your life to provide context to those close to you. This helps prevent misunderstandings or misinterpretations of your behavior by others.