How To Live With The Worst Things That Ever Happened To You | Stephanie Foo
Stephanie Foo, a journalist and radio producer, shares her story of healing from complex PTSD, detailing her exploration of various therapies and what ultimately worked for her. Her insights on processing trauma and building healthy relationships are applicable to all.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Complex PTSD and Stephanie Foo's Story
Receiving a Complex PTSD Diagnosis and Its Initial Impact
Childhood Trauma and Career as a Coping Mechanism
Extensive Exploration of Therapies and Wellness Modalities
Transformative Work with Dr. Jacob Hamm
Key Therapeutic Concepts: Rupture, Repair, and Misattunement
The Role of Self-Love and Feeling All Emotions in Healing
Ongoing Mindfulness Practices: Counting Colors and DMN Management
Re-engaging with Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Developing Deeper Listening and Attunement Skills
The Critical Importance of Chosen Community
Uncovering Community Trauma and the Model Minority Myth
A Practical Gratitude Practice
Current State of Healing: Hope, Agency, and Resilience
6 Key Concepts
Complex PTSD (CPTSD)
A form of PTSD that results from trauma occurring many times over the course of many years, rather than just once, and is typically a relational trauma. It often leads to a pathologizing list of symptoms that can make individuals feel irreparable.
Rupture Repair Therapy
A therapeutic approach focused on closely examining and mending 'ruptures' or conflicts in conversations and relationships. These ruptures can range from minute misattunements, like changing the subject abruptly, to larger disagreements, and the goal is to repair them to foster deeper connection and understanding.
Misattunement
A specific type of rupture in communication where individuals are not fully attuned or listening to what the other person is saying. It can be identified through subtle cues such as averted eyes, tensing up, or a flat voice, indicating a lack of full presence or understanding.
Default Mode Network (DMN)
The part of the brain that is active by default when not focused on a specific task, primarily involved in thinking about the past, worrying about the future, and self-referential thoughts. In individuals with complex PTSD, the DMN can be overactive, and present-focused mindfulness techniques can help 'short circuit' it.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
A therapeutic model that views the mind as comprised of various 'parts' or sub-personalities, each with specific roles and coping mechanisms (e.g., a 'traffic cop' for organization or 'firefighters' for soothing). The approach involves understanding, acknowledging, and relating to these parts to promote healing.
Self-Love (in healing)
Understood not as a superficial concept, but as an ongoing practice of self-compassion, respect, and understanding. It is a key ingredient for attuning with other people, allowing individuals to move past self-loathing and engage in healthy repair and connection in relationships.
7 Questions Answered
CPTSD is a form of PTSD that arises from prolonged, repeated trauma, often relational, occurring over many years, unlike single-incident PTSD.
Self-punishment, while often perceived as a way to fix mistakes, actually isolates individuals and prevents them from being present and focusing on genuine repair and connection with others.
No, true mental health involves being able to feel the full spectrum of human emotions—including sadness, anger, and fear—in balance, rather than being constantly happy or letting one emotion dominate.
Mindfulness practices, such as 'counting colors' or focusing on bodily sensations, help by engaging the present moment, which 'short circuits' the default mode network (DMN) responsible for worrying about the past and future.
For those without a functional biological family, building a 'chosen family' of trusted friends and allowing oneself to rely on others for support, care, and validation is crucial for healing and feeling less alone.
The 'model minority myth' falsely portrays certain minority groups, particularly Asians, as universally high-achieving and problem-free, thereby masking widespread unaddressed mental illness, abuse, and trauma within these communities.
While still imperfect, Stephanie's episodes of sadness and self-loathing are significantly shorter (from months to an hour), and she experiences less self-loathing for mistakes, feeling more hope, agency, and control over her perceptions and interactions.
13 Actionable Insights
1. Rupture Repair Therapy
Actively pay attention to ‘ruptures’ (misattunements, abrupt subject changes, or emotional shifts) in conversations and inquire deeply into what’s truly happening. Make your feelings available to the other person and ask what’s really going on, which helps to repair connections and build trust.
2. Practice Self-Love Compassion
Cultivate an ongoing practice of ‘having your own back’ by understanding that making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person, but simply human. This self-compassion allows you to move past self-flagellation and focus on repairing relationships, fostering an ‘upward spiral’ of improved well-being.
3. Feel Full Emotion Spectrum
Recognize that mental health is not constant happiness, but the ability to feel the full range of human emotions in balance, without one taking over. Allow yourself to feel sadness, grief, anger, and fear, as these emotions have value and guide you, reducing shame and increasing overall well-being.
4. Deep Conversational Listening
Go beyond just asking questions by attuning to subtle cues like averted eyes, tensing up, or changing the subject, which often indicate deeper feelings. Instead of moving along, inquire about these cues to understand the full truth of the conversation and the other person’s experience.
5. Stop Self-Punishment Cycle
Recognize that self-punishment and a cruel inner voice are unproductive and isolate you, preventing true connection and repair. Instead of self-flagellation, focus on what you can do to make amends and show care to others, shifting from inward focus to outward giving and connection.
6. Communicate Your Feelings
In arguments or conflicts, clearly articulate your feelings (e.g., ‘I’m feeling stressed because of this,’ or ‘I’m feeling angry/sad’). This clarifies your state for the other person, allowing them to meet you where you are and foster a better back-and-forth of giving and receiving.
7. Confront Coping Mechanisms
When identifying a coping mechanism (e.g., in Internal Family Systems), acknowledge how it helped you survive in the past, even if it’s no longer serving you. Thank it for its service, then consciously try something new instead of punishing yourself for defaulting to old patterns.
8. Build Chosen Community
Actively invest in building and relying on a ‘chosen family’ or community, especially if your biological family was not supportive. Trust others to take care of you and allow yourself to be taken care of, as this reduces feelings of isolation and validates your worth.
9. Counting Colors Mindfulness
As an emergency ‘stop button’ when feeling overwhelmed, start counting objects of a specific color in the room. This simple, visceral practice focuses attention on your surroundings and the present moment, short-circuiting the default mode network and calming you down.
10. Two-Column Gratitude Journal
Maintain a gratitude journal with two columns: one for wonderful things others have done for you, and another for ways you’ve contributed to others. This practice helps focus on positive interactions, counteracts self-loathing, and reinforces your capacity for generosity.
11. Consistent Practice Shortens Ruts
Understand that healing is not linear and involves making mistakes, but consistent practice of self-talk and other tools can significantly shorten negative emotional ‘ruts’ from months to hours. Keep practicing these skills repeatedly to make them more comfortable, easier, and quicker to access.
12. Record Review Conversations
Record important conversations (e.g., therapy sessions), transcribe them, and review them closely with the other party. Analyze moments of misattunement, subject changes, or emotional shifts to intimately understand interaction patterns and improve communication.
13. Create Own Healing Narrative
Actively work to tell a different story about yourself and your experiences, especially if past diagnoses or circumstances have been pathologizing. This practice helps reclaim agency and shapes a narrative of healing and identity that is empowering rather than limiting.
5 Key Quotes
The list of symptoms is not so much a medical document as it is a biography of my life... The more I read, the more every aspect of my personhood is reduced to deep diagnostic flaws.
Stephanie Foo
Self-punishment and their cruel voice that I had going in my head all the time wasn't productive at all. This whole time, I thought that that voice was trying to make me a better person, but instead it was holding me back from truly being present and giving people what they needed.
Stephanie Foo
Mental health is being able to feel the full spectrum of emotions that comprise the human experience. Because there is value to feeling sadness and grief, and there's value to feeling anger and fear.
Stephanie Foo
The model minority myth is just that, a myth.
Stephanie Foo
I just, I really didn't want anyone to feel like I did when I was first diagnosed. I just wanted there to be another narrative out there.
Stephanie Foo
3 Protocols
Google Docs Therapy (Rupture Repair Modality)
Stephanie Foo (describing Dr. Jacob Hamm's method)- Record every therapy session.
- Immediately after each session, have the conversation transcribed.
- Put the transcript into a Google Doc and share it with the therapist.
- Collaboratively go through the conversation, commenting on and nitpicking all the little details.
- Give a really close read of exactly what was happening in the session, noting times of misattunement, sudden subject changes, hiding, or dissociated voice.
- Inquire into these moments (e.g., 'here's where maybe you are triggered,' 'why did you retreat from me here?') to understand and repair the rupture.
- Practice making oneself and one's feelings more vulnerable and available to the therapist, and vice versa, to learn better listening and attunement.
Emergency Stop Button (Counting Colors)
Stephanie Foo- When feeling really triggered or off the rails, start counting things of a specific color in the room (e.g., red things).
- Pay close attention to your surroundings and the act of counting.
- Use this simple, visceral practice to get your prefrontal cortex back online and calm down, serving as a basic form of mindfulness.
Two-Column Gratitude Practice
Stephanie Foo- Keep a gratitude journal, often with two columns.
- In one column, list all the wonderful things other people have done for you that day (e.g., receiving a text message, someone making dinner).
- In the other column, list ways that you contributed to others in the world (e.g., giving advice to someone, listening to a friend going through a breakup).
- Alternatively, think about these points before going to sleep or send thank-you texts, focusing on loving and being loved rather than fear of abandonment.