How To Rewire Your Inner Dialogue and Re-Regulate Your Nervous System | Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert, #1 New York Times bestselling author, discusses her new memoir, "All the Way to the River," and her journey through love addiction, codependency, and recovery. She shares how she learned to regulate her nervous system and foster healthier relationships with herself and others.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Elizabeth Gilbert and Her New Memoir
Elizabeth's Self-Description: Addiction and Codependency
Therapy vs. Spiritual Practices in Addiction Recovery
Understanding the Brain Chemistry of Love Addiction
Fostering Dependency Through Money and Influence
The Concept of 'Home' and Seeking Security in Others
Elizabeth's Spiritual Understanding of Home and God
Daily Practices for Nervous System Regulation
Navigating Romantic Relationships in Recovery
Benefits of Celibacy and Living Alone
Coping with Withdrawal from Love Addiction
Self-Compassion and the Voice of God
5 Key Concepts
Process Addictions
Unlike substance addictions where the body forms a biological dependency on a chemical, process addictions involve getting addicted to an activity. This activity stimulates the brain to release certain hormones that create a 'feel good' sensation, leading to a desire for more of that activity.
Blackout Codependent
This term describes a state where an individual enters into highly dysfunctional relationships without full awareness or presence, similar to a blackout experienced by a substance addict. They may later wonder how they ended up in such a situation, like paying someone's bills without realizing how it started.
Two-Way Prayer
This is a spiritual practice where, after clearing one's mind and reading sacred text, one opens a notebook and writes, 'Dear God, what would you have me know today?' The practice involves allowing a response to flow without overthinking, receiving instructions, focus points, and expressions of love from what is perceived as a higher power.
Addiction vs. Recovery
A core tenet in recovery programs, this concept states that 'addiction is giving up everything for one thing,' meaning an addict sacrifices all aspects of their life for their addiction. Conversely, 'recovery is giving up one thing for everything,' implying that by letting go of the addiction, one regains all other aspects of a full life.
Sober Dating Plan
A structured set of personal boundaries and guidelines created in conjunction with a sponsor and recovery fellows. This plan aims to prevent individuals recovering from sex and love addiction from engaging in traditional self-sabotaging behaviors when entering new romantic relationships.
12 Questions Answered
The memoir details Elizabeth Gilbert's tumultuous relationship with her best friend and later partner, Raya Elias, after Raya's terminal cancer diagnosis, her relapse into drug addiction, and Elizabeth's own journey through codependency and recovery.
She describes herself as a sex and love addict, a romantic obsessive, a fantasy and adrenaline addict, a world-class enabler, and a blackout codependent, characterized by constantly changing herself to please partners and driving herself 'over a cliff' in relationships.
While therapy can provide understanding of past causes, Elizabeth found that it didn't break her behavioral patterns. She suggests that ancient spiritual practices like meditation and prayer, along with surrendering to a higher power, have been more transformative for regulating her nervous system and changing behavior.
Love addiction is a process addiction where the brain becomes addicted to the release of certain hormones (like adrenaline and cortisol) stimulated by intense attention or obsession with a person. The body gets accustomed to these heightened levels, requiring bigger 'hits' and leading to severe withdrawal when withheld.
Her money amplified her unhealed tendencies, allowing her to use it to 'bribe' or entice people, like offering free housing and gifts, to ensure their constant presence and meet her need for security, rather than having honest conversations about her needs.
She describes a lifelong search for security and belonging, stemming from a feeling that her childhood home wasn't always safe or welcoming. This led her to seek another person who would provide that sense of 'you belong here, you're welcome here,' effectively turning them into her source of fundamental security.
Her daily regimen includes mantra meditation, two-way prayer, attending 12-step recovery meetings, engaging in selfless service, practicing yoga, and breath work, totaling several hours a day to maintain sanity and sobriety.
She defines God as an infinitely loving, ever-available presence that accepts her exactly as she is, without judgment or conditions. This God provides unconditional love and a sense of 'no matter whatness,' offering healing and a path out of suffering.
While not currently dating, she has developed a 'sober dating plan' with strict boundaries and tools to prevent old addictive behaviors, should her intuition and higher power guide her to couple up again. She has witnessed others in recovery successfully use these tools.
She has found stability, learned her own rhythms, experienced a blossoming of creativity (writing three books in six years compared to five years per book previously), and seen her friendships deepen and grow now that her attention is no longer consumed by romantic drama.
She learned to sit with her fundamental discomfort, treating herself like a 'colicky baby' by self-reparenting and acknowledging the desire for immediate relief without acting on it. This involves enduring the pain and grief, trusting that it will eventually subside and lead to easier days.
She believes that the highest, wisest, kindest voice in one's head, which is often associated with self-compassion, is indistinguishable from God's voice. She sees it as God dwelling within oneself, a 'splendor of recognition' where the seeker and the sought become one.
44 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Nervous System Regulation
Make nervous system regulation a ‘full-time job,’ dedicating hours each day to practices that keep you stable, as consistency in these practices is crucial for well-being.
2. Cultivate Unconditional Self-Love
Strive to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-love and acceptance, believing that you are perfect as you are and do not need to transform or become better to be loved.
3. Find Home in Spiritual Communion
Cultivate deep, quiet communion with your chosen spiritual source (e.g., God, the Tao, the mystery) to find a sense of true home and inner settling, enabling you to navigate the world with greater ease.
4. Source Security Internally
Improve all your relationships by sourcing your sense of security from an internal spiritual presence rather than attempting to derive it from other people, such as friends, family, or partners.
5. Embrace Inner Divine Voice
Recognize and embrace the highest, wisest, and kindest voice within your own head as potentially synonymous with a divine voice or God’s presence, fostering self-compassion and inner guidance.
6. Reparent & Accept Difficult Feelings
Practice ‘reparenting’ yourself by acknowledging and validating your desires and discomfort without judgment, then choosing to feel the grief, sorrow, and discomfort now rather than postponing it.
7. Embrace Withdrawal Discomfort
Be willing to experience the discomfort of withdrawal from addictive patterns, rather than immediately seeking another ‘fix’ or person, as this process is essential for true healing.
8. Sit with Discomfort
Develop the ability to sit with and tolerate fundamental discomfort without immediately reaching for external people or substances to alleviate it.
9. Practice Two-Way Prayer
Engage in two-way prayer by clearing your mind, meditating briefly, reading sacred text, and then writing ‘Dear God, what would you have me know today?’ to receive daily guidance and instructions without overthinking.
10. Employ Ancient Spiritual Practices
Incorporate ancient spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer to calm and settle your nervous system, recognizing their long history of effectiveness.
11. Apply 12-Step Guidelines
Apply the principles and steps of 12-step recovery programs to behavioral addictions (like sex and love addiction) to achieve a transformation of consciousness and break destructive patterns.
12. Join Recovery Programs
If struggling with addiction, seek out 12-step recovery programs to find community, understanding, and a path to recovery by realizing others share similar struggles and there are established methods for healing.
13. Prioritize Self-Discovery
Dedicate time to celibacy and living independently to learn your own rhythms, patterns, and preferences, prioritizing self-discovery and stabilization before entering new relationships.
14. Nurture Self Through Discomfort
During intense discomfort, nurture yourself like a colicky baby with self-soothing activities (e.g., baths, comforting shows), commit to not engaging in harmful behaviors, and trust that the pain will eventually ease one day at a time.
15. Create a Sober Dating Plan
If recovering from love addiction, develop a ‘sober dating plan’ with a sponsor, outlining clear boundaries and best practices to avoid repeating past destructive relationship behaviors.
16. Avoid Unavailable Partners
Do not enter into relationships with individuals who are already involved with someone, are emotionally unavailable, or are unhealed from past relationships, to avoid repeating patterns of trying to ‘fix’ others.
17. Set Strict Dating Boundaries
When dating, implement strict boundaries such as limiting first dates to an hour and a half in a public place and scheduling subsequent dates with a week’s gap, to prevent enmeshment and reinforce your independent life.
18. Limit Obsessive Texting
Avoid obsessive daily texting in new relationships; instead, set a date and communicate primarily about meeting, allowing space for your own life outside the new person.
19. Establish Cohabitation Boundaries
Set boundaries such as not moving anyone into your home for the first year of a relationship and delaying introductions to family, to prevent premature enmeshment.
20. Reclaim Time for Creativity
Redirect the time and energy previously spent on enmeshment or codependency towards personal growth and creative pursuits, allowing your own talents and interests to blossom.
21. Nurture Existing Friendships
Re-prioritize and nurture existing friendships by redirecting attention previously consumed by romantic drama or codependency, allowing these relationships to deepen and flourish.
22. Practice Mercy
Extend mercy to yourself and others, recognizing that forgiveness and compassion can be transformative, especially when reflecting on past mistakes or struggles.
23. Combine Insight with Tools
Gain some visibility into the causes of your struggles, but ensure you also acquire and apply practical tools for change, as understanding alone does not provide relief.
24. Prioritize Action Over Discovery
While understanding the causes of your issues can be helpful, prioritize practical tools and actionable steps for recovery, as mere discovery of causes may not be sufficient to change behavior.
25. Choose Action-Oriented Therapy
When seeking therapy, look for practitioners who go beyond past trauma exploration to also provide practical tools and strategies for behavior change, such as those found in cognitive behavioral therapy.
26. Reframe Your Concept of God
If the concept of God is traumatizing, consider reframing it to align with an infinitely loving, ever-available presence that is not judgmental or tyrannical, allowing for a more personal and healing connection.
27. Seek Steadfast Love
Identify and connect with a source of love that is unwavering, patient, and accepting of your darkness, as this kind of steadfast love can be deeply healing and cannot be exhausted.
28. Accept Love for Growth
Embrace the idea of being loved unconditionally, recognizing that this acceptance can be a catalyst for growth and a path to alleviate suffering, rather than a demand for self-improvement.
29. Recognize Addiction’s Co-option
Understand that addiction can co-opt and weaponize even your best qualities, like generosity or warmth, to fulfill its needs, leading to manipulative or destructive behaviors.
30. Consider Full Sobriety
Consider a period of complete sobriety from alcohol and drugs, and reducing reliance on other mind-altering substances, to remove barriers and face yourself fully.
31. Daily 12-Step Meetings & Service
If in a 12-step recovery program, attend meetings daily and engage in service, as service is considered crucial for maintaining sobriety and healing.
32. Practice Mantra Meditation
Engage in mantra meditation, as taught in traditions like those found in ashrams, to help regulate your nervous system and foster inner calm.
33. Integrate Yoga, Movement, Breathwork
Include practices like yoga, general body movement, and breath work in your daily routine to support nervous system regulation and overall well-being.
34. Seek Good Orderly Direction
Strive to receive ‘Good Orderly Direction’ (G.O.D.), which can make life manageable and provide clear guidance for navigating the world.
35. Reframe Homesickness Spiritually
When experiencing homesickness or a feeling of being unmoored, consider reframing it as a spiritual longing for your ultimate source or the ‘great everything,’ rather than just a physical place.
36. Seek Guidance on Relationships
Use practices like two-way prayer to seek guidance from your higher power on whether you are ready for a romantic relationship, trusting the intuitive answer.
37. Understand Recovery: One Thing for Everything
Recognize that recovery involves giving up a singular addiction (the ‘one thing’) to reclaim and enrich all other aspects of your life (the ’everything’).
38. God Dwells Within You
Adopt the understanding that God (or your spiritual source) dwells within you as your true self, fostering an internal connection rather than seeking an externalized deity.
39. What You Seek Seeks You
Hold the belief that the spiritual truth or connection you are seeking is also actively seeking you, fostering a sense of mutual longing and eventual recognition.
40. Seek Divine Unity Recognition
Strive for moments of ‘splendor of recognition’ where you realize your inherent unity with the divine, understanding that you are ‘of God and God is of you.’
41. Meditate on Core Questions
To pursue enlightenment, choose to meditate on either ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Who is God?’, as both paths are believed to lead to the same realization of interconnectedness.
42. Address Your Craving Mind
Engage with guided meditations, specifically those focused on the ‘craving mind,’ to learn how to observe your cravings without being controlled by them.
43. Attend Live Meditations
Participate in live meditation sessions, such as those offered weekly on Tuesdays at four Eastern, to engage in a shared practice.
44. Join Meditation Retreats
Consider attending in-person or online meditation retreats and workshops, such as those focused on topics like depression and anxiety, to deepen your practice and learning.
8 Key Quotes
discovery is not recovery.
Elizabeth Gilbert
nobody is safe from me when I need them that much.
Elizabeth Gilbert
mercy is what I owe because mercy is what saved me.
Elizabeth Gilbert
God loves me exactly the way I am and far too much to allow me to stay that way.
Elizabeth Gilbert
Addiction is giving up everything for one thing. And recovery is giving up one thing for everything.
Elizabeth Gilbert
God dwells within you as you.
Elizabeth Gilbert
that which you are seeking has also been seeking you.
Elizabeth Gilbert
God and I have become like two fat men living in a small boat. We keep bumping into each other and laughing.
Elizabeth Gilbert
2 Protocols
Two-Way Prayer Practice
Elizabeth Gilbert- Clear the space and do a little meditation.
- Read something that feels sacred, like Whitman, Mary Oliver, Rumi, or Hafiz.
- Open a notebook and write, 'Dear God, what would you have me know today?'
- Without overthinking, allow what you call God to tell you what it wants you to know, downloading instructions, focus points, and expressions of love.
Sober Dating Plan (Elizabeth Gilbert's Version)
Elizabeth Gilbert- First dates should be an hour and a half long, not two weeks.
- Wait at least a week between dates to remember your existence outside the person.
- Avoid obsessive texting; set a date and communicate less frequently between meetings.
- Do not move anyone into your house for the first year of a relationship.
- Do not introduce people to your family five minutes after meeting them.
- Do not date someone who is already in a relationship or is unavailable.
- Do not date someone who is still shattered from a previous relationship, believing you can fix them.