How To Talk To Yourself When Things Suck | Sam Sanders
Sam Sanders, an award-winning reporter and podcaster, shares his coping strategies after a "Job year" of profound losses. He discusses reframing grief, finding abundance and connection in shared experiences, and practical habits for navigating deep sadness.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to Grief Series and Sam Sanders' 'Job Year'
The Value of Sharing Grief and Common Humanity
Finding Solace in Popular Culture During Grief
Sam's Mother: A Force of Nature and Her Two Deaths
The Post-Loss 'Crash' and Autopilot Grief Processing
Personifying Grief for Better Understanding and Management
Grief as an Ongoing Acceptance of Loss
The Changing Nature of Grief: From Sadness to Abundance and Gratitude
Grief as a Catalyst for Heightened Beauty and Connection
Grief as an Anointing to Be Shared
Maintaining and Evolving Relationships with Deceased Loved Ones
The Importance of Self-Talk and Being Your Own Mentor
Balancing Grief with Basic Needs and Allowing Joy
Lessons from Pop Culture: Embracing Failure and Creativity
Rejecting Performative Sadness and Embracing a Range of Emotions
Metaphors for Grief: A Flower in the Garden and a Train Stop
The Gift of Human Consciousness and Making Meaning from Loss
5 Key Concepts
Self-Compassion
The skill of treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support you would offer a good friend or a good coach, rather than being overly critical or harsh. Research suggests it can lead to positive physiological, psychological, and behavioral changes.
Common Humanity
A component of self-compassion that involves recognizing that whatever difficult experience you are going through is also being endured by millions of other people simultaneously. This awareness helps combat feelings of isolation and makes one feel less alone in their struggles.
Personifying Grief
A practice of allowing grief to take on a tangible form, such as a person, a cloud, or a tree. By giving grief a form, one can better grapple with it, look at it, speak to it, and understand its changing nature, making it less abstract and more manageable.
Grief as an Anointing
A perspective that views deep grief not just as an internal, solitary experience, but as a special dispensation or gift meant to be shared with others. Sharing this 'anointing' can foster community, healing, and a deeper connection with those who have experienced similar losses.
Grief as a Train Stop
A metaphor describing how significant grief events can halt the normal, fast-paced movement of one's life. This pause, while initially frustrating, offers an opportunity to reassess life's direction, priorities, and what one truly wants to carry forward, much like a rest stop on a journey.
7 Questions Answered
Sharing one's grief allows others to share their own stories, creating an abundance of shared experiences and potential 'roadmaps for survival' through similar hardships, fostering healing and connection.
Yes, it is normal to go through an 'autopilot' phase immediately after a loss, often driven by logistics and self-protection, followed by a 'crash' phase later. Both modes are valid ways of processing grief.
Yes, grief can introduce abundance, foster new connections, and heighten the appreciation for beauty in moments that might otherwise be overlooked. It can lead to a deeper sense of gratitude for life's experiences.
One can maintain a relationship by allowing memories of the loved one to shapeshift over time, imagining them in different roles or scenarios that provide comfort and guidance, and accepting that the meaning they hold for you will evolve.
Yes, it is crucial to allow oneself to experience joy and distraction, even amidst grief. Maintaining basic needs like movement, good food, sleep, and social connection enables one to process emotions more holistically rather than being consumed by sadness.
Talking to yourself, whether by personifying emotions or imagining conversations, is a fundamental way to process feelings and navigate challenges. It allows you to shape your inner dialogue and act as your own mentor for emotional and mental well-being.
It's important to reject performative sadness and recognize that no one feels only one emotion all the time. While acknowledging horrors, one must also make space for joy and play, as these are essential for self-care and becoming a 'joyful warrior' to build the world one desires.
29 Actionable Insights
1. Rewire Inner Dialogue
Counter-program against your inner critic to rewire your interior dialogue, as this has a massive impact on your happiness and how you talk to others.
2. Be Your Own Mentor
Learn how to be your own mentor by talking to yourself in a supportive and guiding way, just as you would advise a good friend or a player.
3. Embrace Ongoing Self-Talk
Embrace an ongoing conversation with yourself, as you are the voice you hear the most, and shaping this internal dialogue is crucial for emotional and mental well-being.
4. Share Your Struggles
Share your grief, troubles, and hardships with others to find potential roadmaps for survival, as you are not alone in your experiences and sharing brings healing and abundance.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Develop the skill of self-compassion by talking to yourself supportively, like a good friend or coach, which data shows can lead to physiological, psychological, and behavioral changes.
6. Recognize Common Humanity
Understand that whatever you’re experiencing is simultaneously endured by millions of others, fostering a sense of common humanity that reminds you are not alone in your feelings.
7. Personify Grief/Emotions
Allow your grief or other strong emotions to take on a form you can see or speak to, which helps you grapple with them more effectively than abstract feelings.
8. View Emotions As Clouds
Think of all feelings and emotions as clouds that eventually move on, reminding you that even intense emotions are temporary and will pass.
9. Accept Life’s Inevitable Losses
Make peace with the fact that life is a series of accepting loss, as everything you love will either leave you or you will leave it.
10. Reframe Grief As Train Stop
When big grief stops your life’s ’train,’ view it as a necessary rest stop to debrief, think, and reassess your journey, rather than just being angry about the halt.
11. Ask Key Questions During Pause
During a ’train stop’ caused by grief, ask yourself where you want to go, what you want to take with you, and at what speed you should proceed to guide your path forward.
12. Prioritize Basic Self-Care
Maintain a checklist of mandatory self-care actions—move your body, eat well, sleep enough, and be with people—to ensure a healthy foundation, allowing your emotions to flow freely otherwise.
13. Allow Joy and Distraction
Give yourself permission to take breaks from grief and experience joy or distraction without feeling guilty, as a range of emotions is natural and necessary for well-being.
14. Seek Abundance in Grief
Shift your perspective to find abundance in grief by sharing your story, which can open up new feelings and connections with others who have experienced similar losses.
15. Be Grateful for Grief’s Beauty
Find ways to be grateful for the unexpected beauty grief can present, as heightened emotions can make moments more poignant and beautiful, ultimately lessening the pain.
16. Turn Hardship Into Awakenings
Approach difficult chapters in life, like grief, as opportunities for awakenings and deeper appreciation for moments that might otherwise be overlooked.
17. Connect Through Shared Experience
Use personal hardships, such as grief, as a means to connect with other people, enriching your own life and fostering a sense of shared human experience.
18. Share Your Anointing of Grief
Recognize that the ‘anointing’ of grief, and the community it can bring, is meant to be shared with others, challenging the cultural norm of keeping grief internal and solitary.
19. Continue Relationship with Deceased
Maintain an ongoing relationship with loved ones who have died by imagining them in different roles or scenarios, allowing their memory to shapeshift and provide comfort as needed.
20. Allow Grief to Play Out
Embrace the process of grief by allowing yourself to feel it fully without judgment or a set timetable, recognizing that both autopilot and crash modes are permissible.
21. Tune into Changing Grief
Be mindful of how grief changes over time, acknowledging its evolving nature rather than expecting it to remain static or reach a definitive end point.
22. Seek Emotional Significance in Pop Culture
Actively seek out cultural artifacts like music, books, or movies that offer emotional significance and lessons, serving as a ‘co-pilot’ through life’s challenges.
23. Avoid Performative Sadness/Angst
Do not engage in performative displays of sadness, anger, or anxiety, as the human brain and heart are wired to feel a range of emotions, not just one all the time.
24. Be a Joyful Warrior
Strive to be a ‘joyful warrior’ by making space for both horrors and joys, as this balanced approach is the best way to build the world you want to live in.
25. Prioritize Self-Care to Help
Remember that you must take care of yourself first, like putting on your own oxygen mask, to be prepared and effective in helping others or building a better world.
26. Embrace Play and Joy
Recognize that play and joy are not trivial but required endeavors to be the best versions of ourselves, even in the midst of grief or sadness.
27. View Grief as Garden Plant
Imagine grief as a plant in the garden of your emotions, present but not necessarily dominating, allowing you to nurture it while still appreciating the other elements of your emotional landscape.
28. Embrace Gift of Consciousness
Appreciate the gift of human consciousness and the ability to make profound meaning from life and loss, transforming experiences into a poetic narrative.
29. Own Your Career/Work
Intentionally chart a career path that feels true to you, actively owning your work and intellectual property to gain freedom and control over your professional endeavors.
5 Key Quotes
My memory of my father has beautifully shapeshifted over time to comfort and console me. It's become its own being with its own plot arc.
Sam Sanders
You cannot set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Sam Sanders
The best way to like create the world that you want to live in is to try to become a joyful warrior.
Sam Sanders
Just because someone is brilliant doesn't mean everything they make is brilliant. And the brilliance isn't continuing to make.
Sam Sanders
The human brain and the human heart is not wired to only feel one thing all the time. We go through a range of emotions every single day.
Sam Sanders
2 Protocols
Self-Compassion Break (Neff Three-Step)
Kristen Neff (described by Dan Harris)- Be mindful of whatever difficult emotion or experience is occurring for you.
- Talk to yourself in a supportive way, offering kindness and understanding.
- Recognize the 'common humanity' of your experience, knowing that others are enduring similar things.
Sam's Healthy Day Checklist
Sam Sanders- Move your body (e.g., exercise).
- Eat enough and eat well.
- Sleep enough and sleep well.
- Be around other people.