How to Work with Worry | Christiane Wolf
Guest Dr. Christiane Wolf, a physician and Dharma teacher, discusses working skillfully with worry, especially during health diagnoses, and navigating challenging emotions like sadness during gratitude practice. She offers practical tools like "name it to tame it" and reframing emotions as "parts" to avoid spiritual bypassing and foster self-compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Approaching Gratitude and Loving-Kindness Practices
Working with Worry During Gratitude Practice
The Helpfulness of Worry
Dealing with Wanting and Consumerism
Managing Worry While Awaiting a Health Diagnosis
Working with the Inner Critic and Psychological Parts
Mindfulness, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Spiritual Bypassing
Distinguishing 'I Am Anxious' vs. 'I Have a Part That Feels Anxious'
Understanding the Intention of the Inner Critic
Addressing Difficulty in Feeling Distance from Parts
5 Key Concepts
Spiritual Bypassing
This occurs when mindfulness skills are used to avoid or sidestep addressing deeper psychological hurts or unresolved emotional issues, rather than integrating them. It means using spiritual practices to avoid necessary psychological healing.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
A therapeutic model that views the mind as composed of various 'parts,' each with its own perspective and intention, often trying to protect us. It suggests that all parts have a good intention, even if their methods are unhelpful, and encourages meeting them with kindness and curiosity.
Name It to Tame It
A technique used in mindfulness to acknowledge a difficult emotion or thought, such as worry, by simply naming it. This act of labeling helps to create a slight distance from the emotion, making it less overwhelming and easier to manage.
Buy Gear, Not Stuff
A concept from Michael Easter suggesting a mindful approach to consumption. It encourages buying items that are genuinely needed and will be used for a long time, rather than accumulating transient 'stuff' driven by consumerism or manipulation.
Parts (in IFS)
In Internal Family Systems, 'parts' refer to distinct sub-personalities or aspects of oneself that have developed over time, often in response to experiences. Recognizing these as 'parts' rather than one's whole identity can create distance and allow for more compassionate engagement.
7 Questions Answered
The intention behind the practice is what matters, not forcing a specific feeling. The goal is to turn towards gratitude or appreciation, and over time, with consistent practice, positive feelings may arise naturally, but their absence doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
Acknowledge the feelings without judgment and ask if worrying or suffering in that moment is truly helpful. You can gently redirect your attention, similar to how you'd ask a coworker to hold a thought, without suppressing the feeling but choosing not to engage with it right then.
Worry is rarely helpful, though it can alert us to caring about someone or the need for an actionable item. If there's no immediate action to take, there's generally no benefit in continuing to worry.
Recognize that wanting is a normal human experience that is often triggered and amplified by consumerism. Reflect on your general relationship with wanting and 'stuff,' considering whether purchases are genuine needs (gear) or manipulative traps, and use that awareness to avoid being played.
Approach worry with kindness, acknowledging that it's natural to be hardwired for it. Use mindfulness skills to notice the worry, 'name it to tame it' (e.g., 'oh, worry mind'), and then gently direct your attention to present moment senses like sights, sounds, or breath, while also practicing self-compassion for the difficulty of the situation.
Recognize the inner critic as a 'part' of yourself, rather than your whole identity, and understand that all parts often have a good intention, usually to keep you safe. By separating the part's intention from its often harsh method, you can meet it with curiosity and kindness, which can lead to a softening of its influence.
Saying 'I am anxious' can feel all-encompassing and hopeless, as if anxiety defines your entire being. In contrast, saying 'I have a part that feels really anxious' creates a sense of distance and openness, allowing for curiosity and uncoupling from being completely merged with the anxious feeling, making it less overwhelming.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Empower Loving Adult Self
Cultivate your ’loving adult self’ to be in charge of your internal system, allowing other parts to offer opinions and inputs from the ‘backseat’ rather than letting them drive and control your actions.
2. Separate Self from Parts
To reduce the overwhelming feeling of emotions like anxiety, reframe ‘I am anxious’ to ‘I have a part that feels really anxious right now’ to create a sense of distance and avoid taking it too personally.
3. Discern Critic’s Intention
Understand that even an inner critic part has a good intention for you, such as keeping you safe, and learn to separate this positive intention from the often unhelpful method it uses.
4. Engage Inner Critic Kindly
To work with an inner critic, sit down with that part, get to know it, and understand what it actually wants for you, such as trying to keep you safe, which can lead to softening and decreased pressure.
5. Reframe Parts for Integration
Reframe your experience by understanding how parts like the inner critic or perfectionist are trying to keep you safe, which can lead to softening and decreased pressure when integrated with mindfulness.
6. Assess Worry’s Helpfulness
When experiencing worry or suffering, especially in response to others’ pain, ask yourself if that specific emotional state is truly helpful in the moment, and consider if there’s a more effective action to take.
7. Pivot Away From Worry
When worry arises, especially when waiting for a health diagnosis, practice noticing it and then consciously pivot away from feeding it.
8. Name Worry, Sense Present
When worry arises, name it (e.g., ‘worry mind’) to help tame it, and then direct your attention to the present moment through your senses, such as looking around the room, listening to sounds, or feeling your breath.
9. Practice Self-Compassion
When facing difficult situations like waiting for a health diagnosis, practice self-compassion by acknowledging that it’s a hard experience and that feeling worried and uncertain is a common human response.
10. Intention Over Forced Feeling
When practicing gratitude or loving kindness, focus on the intention to turn towards these feelings rather than forcing yourself to feel them, as the point is to do the exercise and trust it will bear fruit over time.
11. Trust Loving Kindness Process
Engage in loving kindness practice by repeating phrases like ‘may I be happy, may you be happy,’ even if you don’t feel anything initially, trusting that over time it will soften you and open the door for compassion.
12. Postpone Worries Mindfully
When your mind goes into a story or worry during focused attention, practice dropping it or putting it in a ‘parking lot’ by saying ’thank you, not now,’ as a training to stay present without suppressing the thought.
13. Avoid Misery for Others
Do not believe that being miserable is the best way to honor the suffering in the world, as this mindset does not actually help anybody.
14. Worry as Action Prompt
Recognize worry as a signal that you care or that there might be an actionable item; if there is no immediate action to take, understand that there is no benefit in continuing to worry.
15. Buy Gear, Not Stuff
When making purchases, ask yourself if what you’re buying is something you genuinely need and will use for many years (‘gear’), or if it’s merely ‘stuff’ that you’re being manipulated into wanting.
16. Resist Consumer Manipulation
When you feel manipulated by consumerism into wanting something, use that feeling of anger as a signal to pause and question what is truly happening before making a purchase.
6 Key Quotes
The point is not to force some sort of feeling. The point is to do the exercise and have some confidence based on 2,600 years of contemplative history that over time it will bear free.
Dan Harris
We are opening a door or we're opening a window. And we keep doing that repeatedly. Yeah. And so it's not up to us whether actually like loving kindness or compassion will walk in, but it is easier when the door is open.
Christiane Wolf
There is this feeling many of us have that the best way to honor the suffering in the world is to be miserable. Yes. But that isn't helping anybody.
Dan Harris
Is worry ever helpful? That's a really good question. I would say barely ever, honestly.
Christiane Wolf
When I say I am anxious, blots out the sun. Exactly. Right. This is who I am. Always been. Always will be hopeless kind of thing. And if I say I have a part, very often there's immediately a sense of more openness or curiosity...
Christiane Wolf
All parts have a really good intention for you. Yeah. And then we need to separate the intention and the method.
Christiane Wolf
2 Protocols
Working with Worry While Waiting for a Health Diagnosis
Christiane Wolf- Approach the worry with kindness, acknowledging that it is a natural, hardwired response.
- Use mindfulness skills to notice the worry when it arises.
- Name the worry (e.g., 'oh, worry mind') to create distance ('name it to tame it').
- Direct your attention to something in the present moment using your senses (e.g., look around the room, orient to sounds, feel your breath).
- Repeat this process as needed.
- Practice self-compassion, recognizing that waiting for a diagnosis is inherently difficult and causes worry for many.
Working with the Inner Critic (using IFS principles)
Christiane Wolf- Recognize the inner critic as a 'part' of yourself, not your entire identity.
- Understand that this part, like all parts, likely has a good intention for you, often to keep you safe.
- Separate the part's positive intention from its potentially unhelpful or harsh method (e.g., yelling, calling names).
- Sit down with that part, metaphorically, and get to know it.
- Ask what the part actually wants for you or how it is trying to keep you safe (e.g., by keeping you in line, preventing mistakes).
- Use mindfulness to integrate this understanding, which can decrease the pressure exerted by the part.