Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Shame and Embarrassment? | JoAnna Hardy
This episode features Joanna Hardy, a meditation trainer at Apple Fitness+, discussing Buddhist ethics (sila). She explores concepts like right livelihood, right speech, the five precepts, and the provocative idea of healthy shame and embarrassment (hiri and otapa) as tools for a happier life.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Buddhist Ethics and Sila
The Eightfold Path: Sila, Samadhi, and Panya
Sila as a Self-Interested Path to Happiness
Right Speech: Principles and Practice
The Five Precepts: Not Killing and Protecting Life
The Five Precepts: Not Stealing and Creating Safety
The Five Precepts: Not Causing Harm Through Sexuality
The Five Precepts: Not Using Intoxicants to Heedlessness
Right Livelihood: Ethical Ways of Earning a Living
The Path of Learning and Making Mistakes
Hiri and Otappa: Healthy Shame and Healthy Embarrassment
The Forgiveness Practice for Healing and Liberation
7 Key Concepts
Sila
Sila is a Pali term in Buddhism that translates to ethics, representing the way one shows up and behaves through speech and action in the world. It is one of the three main aspects of the Eightfold Path, alongside Samadhi (meditation) and Panya (wisdom), and is viewed as a guidepost for living a happier life through enlightened self-interest rather than moralizing.
Eightfold Path
The Eightfold Path is a foundational Buddhist recipe or cookbook for achieving enlightenment, divided into eight aspects that fall into three buckets: Sila (ethics), Samadhi (meditation), and Panya (wisdom). These eight aspects are not linear but work interdependently, providing guidelines for a practice-based approach to understanding existence and reducing suffering.
Samadhi
Samadhi is the meditation aspect of the Eightfold Path, encompassing practices like mindfulness and concentration. It supports ethical living (Sila) by fostering self-awareness and clarity of mind, which in turn helps individuals make choices that align with their intention to reduce suffering.
Panya
Panya refers to the wisdom aspect of the Eightfold Path, involving the understanding of fundamental truths of existence, such as the Four Noble Truths. It is cultivated through study and meditation, providing insight into the nature of reality and guiding one's intentions and actions.
Sampapalapa
Sampapalapa is a Pali term for 'idle chatter,' referring to the tendency to fill every moment of silence in conversation with talk, often out of nervousness or a desire for attention. Noticing this habit can serve as a mindfulness cue to reflect on the underlying impulses and the usefulness of one's speech.
Hiri
Hiri is a mental state often described as a natural desire to show up with grace and care, acting as an inner conscience or self-respect. It's the pre-knowing or instinctual 'ick factor' that arises when one considers an action, guiding them towards wholesome behavior and away from causing harm.
Otappa
Otappa is the experience of recognizing the impact of one's actions on others and the community, often described as a healthy embarrassment or moral dread. It's the feedback loop that arises after an unskillful action, prompting reflection and a commitment to not repeat the behavior, fostering growth rather than self-recrimination.
9 Questions Answered
Sila is the Buddhist term for ethics, representing the way one behaves through speech and action in the world, and is one of the three main aspects of the Eightfold Path, serving as a guide for living a happier life.
Buddhist ethics are not about rigid commands or judgment, but rather about enlightened self-interest, offering guidelines that help individuals be happier by reducing suffering caused by unskillful actions, allowing for personal exploration and understanding of their impact.
The three aspects of Sila within the Eightfold Path are Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Livelihood, all aimed at guiding individuals towards wholesome and beneficial ways of interacting with the world.
Right Speech involves considering if one's words are true, not gossip or slander, timely (useful and needed), and kind (helpful to the other person), rather than merely nice or spoken out of nervousness or a desire for attention.
The Five Precepts are aspirational guidelines for ethical action: not killing (protecting life), not stealing (not taking what isn't freely given), not causing harm through speech (which is also a precept), not causing harm through sexuality (consensual and non-exploitative), and not using intoxicants to the point of heedlessness.
Right Livelihood means earning a living in a way that does not cause harm to oneself or others, avoiding professions that deal in things like arms, meat, alcohol, or exploitation, and instead seeking work that supports well-being and aligns with ethical principles.
Mistakes are seen as an inherent part of being human and a learning process, not as failures to be shamed for, but as opportunities for growth and strengthening one's understanding and practice, akin to a baby learning to walk by falling down.
Hiri is an inner sense of self-respect and conscience, a pre-knowing desire to act with grace and care, while Otappa is the healthy embarrassment or moral dread that arises from recognizing the negative impact of one's unskillful actions on others or the community.
Unlike unhealthy shame, which is self-involved and leads to self-recrimination, the 'shame' in Hiri and Otappa is a productive growth point, a wise remorse that prompts self-awareness, a desire to change behavior, and a focus on the harm caused to others rather than just one's own perceived badness.
40 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Enlightened Self-Interest
Reframe your understanding of ethics as an act of enlightened self-interest, recognizing that ethical behavior is primarily about making yourself happier and fostering well-being.
2. Seek Bliss of Blamelessness
Avoid actions that lead to mental rumination about past wrongdoings or the need to maintain lies, as this creates mental space for calm, quiet, and creativity.
3. Experiment with Ethical Conduct
Approach ethical guidelines (precepts) with an experimental mindset, observing for yourself what actions cause suffering or feel ‘icky’ versus what genuinely leads to well-being.
4. Tune Into Inner Guidance
Practice Sila (Buddhist ethics) by tuning into your inner guidance system, rather than rigidly adhering to external rules, to align with your true self and foster genuine ethical behavior.
5. View Mistakes as Learning
Reframe mistakes not as failures, but as integral and natural parts of the learning, growth, and strengthening process on your personal and spiritual path.
6. Develop Inner Conscience (Hiri)
Cultivate Hiri, an inner sense of conscience or ‘ick factor,’ which is a natural desire to act with grace and care, serving as an internal feedback mechanism for ethical behavior and a point for growth.
7. Cultivate Impact Awareness (Otapa)
Cultivate Otapa, a healthy awareness of the impact of your actions on others and the community, which serves as a feedback mechanism for adjusting behavior and maintaining positive relationships.
8. Engage in Forgiveness Practice
Practice forgiveness by reflecting on three areas: how you have caused harm to yourself, how you have caused harm to others, and how others have caused harm to you, fostering both forgiveness and compassion.
9. Apologize Skillfully, Not Guiltily
When apologizing, focus on genuinely acknowledging your unskillful action and its impact on the other person, rather than apologizing out of guilt or a desire to feel better about yourself.
10. Utilize Eightfold Path
Utilize the Eightfold Path, encompassing ethics (sila), meditation (samadhi), and wisdom (panya), as a comprehensive guide for Buddhist practice and personal growth.
11. Strengthen Sila with Mindfulness
Recognize that ethical conduct (Sila) is strengthened by and intertwined with mindfulness (samadhi) and wisdom (panya), indicating a holistic approach to personal development.
12. Adopt Aspirational Precepts
View the five precepts as aspirational guidelines and possibilities for behavior, rather than rigid commandments, allowing for personal interpretation and practice.
13. Refrain from Judging Others
Refrain from judging others’ ethical conduct (Sila), allowing them the space to discover the consequences of their actions for themselves.
14. Immerse in Weekly Precepts
Dedicate a week to each of the five precepts, living with it and observing how it impacts your body, heart, and mind to deepen your understanding and personal experience.
15. Examine Lying’s Root Causes
Investigate the underlying reasons for lying, such as wanting to be liked or to save others’ feelings, to understand and address the root cause of untruthful speech.
16. Question Self-Deception
Reflect on how often you lie to yourself or create dissonance to make uncomfortable situations ‘okay,’ as this can hinder genuine self-understanding and growth.
17. Embrace Long-Term Path
Embrace the spiritual journey as a long-term ‘path’ requiring patience and sustained effort, rather than expecting quick fixes or immediate enlightenment.
18. Apply Right Speech Checklist
Before speaking, evaluate your words using a checklist: Is it true? Is it free of gossip or slander? Is it timely/appropriate for the situation? Is it kind? Is it useful/helpful?
19. Use Six-Second Delay
Implement a six-second delay before responding in conversations, allowing the other person to fully process and express their thoughts, potentially revealing deeper insights.
20. Prioritize Active Listening
Integrate active listening as a crucial component of ‘right speech,’ recognizing that effective communication is a feedback loop involving both speaking and hearing.
21. Avoid Idle Chatter
Become aware of and question the impulse to fill every silence with idle chatter (sampapalapa), reflecting on underlying motivations like nervousness or seeking attention.
22. Practice Generous Speech
Practice generosity in your speech and listening, speaking from a place of unhurried presence and assuming others are interested, rather than rushing or self-abbreviating due to past conditioning.
23. Acknowledge Speech Responsibility
Recognize the profound impact and responsibility of your speech, understanding that words can both destroy and create beauty, especially in the age of social media.
24. Prioritize Intention in Ethics
When evaluating actions against the precepts, prioritize understanding your underlying intention, as it significantly shapes the ethical weight of an act, alongside its impact.
25. Protect and Foster Life
Beyond merely refraining from killing, actively protect and foster life, ensuring that living beings can thrive and are cared for.
26. Cultivate Impact Sensitivity
Cultivate sensitivity to the impact of your actions on others and the environment, especially when societal norms might encourage disconnection from consequences.
27. Take Only What’s Given
Adhere to the precept of not stealing by only taking what has been freely and explicitly given to you, extending beyond material possessions to things like time or attention.
28. Foster Safety for Others
Practice ethical conduct (Sila) to create an environment where others feel safe and secure in your presence, fostering trust and well-being.
29. Return Lost Items
If you find a lost item, make every effort to return it to its rightful owner, as this action contributes to your own sense of well-being and ethical conduct.
30. Refrain from Gossip
Consciously refrain from gossip and slander, observing how much of your daily conversation is dedicated to talking about others and the impact of this practice on your speech.
31. Examine Gossip Motives
Explore the underlying motivations for engaging in gossip or stretching the truth, such as the desire to be liked, to feel more interesting, or to make more friends.
32. Practice Consensual Sexuality
Ensure all sexual interactions are fully consensual between adults, avoiding any actions that cause harm or go against another’s will.
33. Mindful Partnership Sexuality
Even within established partnerships, be mindful of how you engage sexually, avoiding withholding sex as punishment or overwhelming a partner who may not be interested, always prioritizing consent and respect.
34. Question Intoxicant Heedlessness
Reflect on your use of intoxicants and whether they lead to heedlessness, causing suffering, unskillful actions, or regret, and question if continued use serves your path to liberation.
35. Meditate for Better Life
Engage in meditation not as an end in itself, but as a means to improve your overall life, fostering well-being and skillful living.
36. Learn from Repeated Patterns
Observe and learn from recurring patterns of unskillful behavior, gradually moving from unawareness to conscious avoidance and eventually choosing entirely different paths.
37. Self-Forgive for Metta
If you struggle with self-compassion or Metta (loving-kindness) practice, consider engaging in self-forgiveness for past harms and transgressions as a foundational step.
38. Integrate Daily Meditation
Integrate short meditation practices (e.g., 5-20 minutes) into your daily routine, even in unconventional settings like your car, to foster calm and mindfulness.
39. Attend Live Q&A Sessions
Subscribe to danharris.com to access weekly live meditation and Q&A sessions (or their recordings) to deepen your practice and get questions answered.
40. Attend Meditation Retreats
Consider attending a meditation retreat, such as the ‘Meditation Party’ retreat, to combine serious meditation practice with discussion and socializing in a supportive environment.
7 Key Quotes
The harder the rules and dictates, the less I understood or were interested in even trying to understand. But I sure knew what it felt like to lay in bed in the morning and just be like, what did I do yesterday? This doesn't feel good. I don't want to live like this.
Joanna Hardy
My biggest turn on about Buddhism in general and the precepts specifically is it wasn't a dictate. It wasn't a command. There's not a lot of judgment or criticism in it.
Joanna Hardy
We're using the term 'fuck around and find out' right now. So in many ways, that's what it is. It's like fuck around and find out. And we get to do that.
Joanna Hardy
Just because it's true does not mean it's kind. Or just because it's kind does not mean it's true.
Joanna Hardy
I am the heir to my own karma. My happiness or unhappiness are dependent upon my actions, not upon my wishes.
Joanna Hardy
The point of meditation is not to like get awesome at meditation. It is to be better at your life.
Sharon Salzberg
It was three seconds of total pleasure. And it was more like release, you know. But then after just that, like, oh, that was not my best me. I wanted to take it back. And that lasted. So the three seconds of pleasure, the Otapa lasted three hours.
Joanna Hardy
2 Protocols
Precept Immersion Practice
Joanna Hardy- Choose one precept to focus on for a week.
- Live in the precept, observing how it feels in your body, heart, and mind.
- Grapple with and ponder the precept's implications in your daily life.
- Notice your responses and how they align or diverge from the precept's intention.
Forgiveness Practice
Joanna Hardy- Reflect on how you have caused harm to yourself, knowingly or unknowingly, out of your own hurt or confusion.
- Reflect on how you have caused harm to somebody else, knowingly or unknowingly, out of your own confusion or delusion.
- Reflect on how somebody else may have caused harm to you, knowingly or unknowingly, out of their own confusion or delusion.