Jennifer Senior On: Grief, Happiness, Friendship Breakups, and Why We Feel Younger Than Our Actual Age
Jennifer Senior, a staff writer at The Atlantic and Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, discusses her book "On Grief: Love, Loss, Memory" about a 9/11 victim's family's diverse grieving processes. She also explores other articles on happiness research, friendship dynamics, and the puzzling gap between actual and perceived age.
Deep Dive Analysis
17 Topic Outline
Introduction to Jennifer Senior's Journalism and Books
The Story of Bobby McIlvaine and Varied Grief Experiences
Bob Sr.'s Grief: Embracing Conspiracy Theories to Maintain Connection
Helen's Grief: Retreating and Avoiding Painful Interactions
Navigating Conversations with Grieving Individuals
Helen's Spiritual Explorations and Kubler-Ross's Later Theories
The 'Yearning and Searching' Stage of Grief
The Significance of Bobby's Final Diary
Parental Perspective on Reporting a Story of Child Loss
Finding Meaning in Loss: An Active Process
Evolutionary Purpose of Grief and Its Connection to Love
Philip Brickman and the Concept of Commitment as Salvation
The Hedonic Treadmill and Its Implications for Happiness
Subjective Age: The Gap Between How Old You Are and Think You Are
The Power and Perils of Friendship in Middle Age
The Enduring Focus on Human Relationships in Jennifer Senior's Work
Why the Bobby McIlvaine Story Resonated Widely
8 Key Concepts
Grief as a form of loving
This concept suggests that grieving is a continuous way of loving someone who has been lost. It implies that for some, like Bob Sr., holding onto grief is a means of maintaining an ongoing connection with the deceased, treating it as an active form of affection rather than something to move beyond.
Yearning and Searching Stage of Grief
Described by psychiatrists Colin Murray Parks and John Bowlby, this stage involves the bereaved person feeling and acting as if the lost person is recoverable, even while intellectually knowing they are not. This can manifest as searching for artifacts, reliving memories, or believing in spiritual reconnection, as seen in the McIlvaine family's experiences.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's Later Theories
Beyond her famous stages of grief, Kubler-Ross eventually believed in life after death, based on testimonies of people seeing white light or returning from clinical death. This perspective suggests a spiritual dimension where loved ones might still be present or reconnected with in another life, offering a different form of 'yearning and searching'.
Finding Meaning in Loss
This concept emphasizes that meaning in the face of senseless loss is not something that passively reveals itself, but rather an active project that the grieving person must undertake. It requires conscious effort and work to identify what teachable moments or upsides can be derived from the experience, as exemplified by Helen's journey.
Commitment as Salvation
Proposed by psychologist Philip Brickman, this idea suggests that commitments to others are a true path to salvation and meaning, especially when happiness proves elusive. These commitments, even if not always pleasurable or requiring sacrifice, provide purpose and structure to an otherwise absurd existence, keeping individuals 'in the game'.
Hedonic Treadmill
Coined by Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell, this psychological concept describes the tendency for people to return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative life changes. It implies that continuously seeking more worldly pleasures or achievements does not lead to lasting happiness, as individuals quickly adapt to new circumstances.
Subjective Age
This refers to how old a person feels in their head, often differing from their chronological age. Studies show that people over 40 tend to feel younger, while those under 25 often feel older. This phenomenon is influenced by cultural factors, with collectivist cultures showing less of a gap, and may reflect optimism or a desire to be seen as having future potential.
Friendship Dissolution in Middle Age
This concept explores the various 'tripwires' that can lead to the breakup of friendships during middle age, despite an increased need for social connection. Factors include marriage, geographical relocation, divorce, and significant differences in success or failure, leading to a surprising churn in social circles over time.
5 Questions Answered
Grief is highly idiosyncratic; for example, Bobby McIlvaine's father immersed himself in conspiracy theories to keep the grief close, while his mother retreated from social interaction and sought spiritual solace, demonstrating vastly different coping mechanisms.
Well-intentioned but hurtful comments include reminding the bereaved of what they've lost (e.g., 'you'll never have that again') or expressing pity, which can make the grieving person feel like a victim and uncomfortable.
Grief is seen as 'love inside out' or 'joy inside out,' representing the price paid for forming deep bonds. The species cannot survive without love, and grief is an intrinsic part of that capacity for connection.
This 'subjective age' phenomenon, where people over 40 shave an average of 20% off their age, is influenced by cultural factors (less pronounced in collectivist cultures) and may reflect innate optimism, a desire for future potential, or a rejection of negative stereotypes associated with aging.
Friendships can break up due to various 'tripwires' such as marriage (disliking a spouse), geographical moves, divorce (reconfiguration awkwardness), or significant differences in success or failure, leading to a high rate of churn in social circles despite an increased need for friends.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Commitments Over Happiness
View commitments to others as a primary source of meaning and purpose, even if they don’t always bring pleasure or conflict with personal freedom, as sacrifice increases their perceived value.
2. Find Meaning in Being Needed
Recognize that being needed by others, both known and unknown, provides meaning and purpose in life, serving as a fundamental reason to “stay in the game.”
3. Actively Seek Meaning in Loss
Understand that meaning in loss is not automatically revealed but must be actively sought and worked for; it requires effort to find the “upside” or “learning moments.”
4. Control Your Reaction to Trauma
Recognize that you cannot control external traumatic events, but you can control your reaction to them, starting with fundamental actions like getting out of bed.
5. Prioritize Friendships in Middle Age
Recognize that as you age, especially in middle age, friendships become increasingly vital for meaning, companionship, and sustenance, as other life stages shift.
6. Avoid Hedonic Treadmill
Be aware of the “hedonic treadmill” effect, where accumulating more external things or achievements does not lead to lasting happiness, as you quickly adapt to new circumstances.
7. Ask Specific Grief Questions
When speaking to someone grieving, ask specific, present-focused questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “How has your day been today?” because people live minute-to-minute during grief, and broad questions are unhelpful.
8. Avoid Hurtful Grief Statements
Refrain from making statements that highlight the grieving person’s loss or compare their misfortune to your good fortune, such as “You’ll never have that again,” as these deepen the wound.
9. Avoid Performing Grief
When interacting with someone who is grieving, be mindful not to “perform” your own grief or pity in front of them, as this can add to their discomfort and make them feel they need to console you.
10. Take Small Actions During Grief
When overwhelmed by grief, focus on making small, fundamental decisions and taking basic actions, as even these can be significant accomplishments in the early stages.
11. Pretend Lost Loved One Lives
As a coping mechanism for grief, some find comfort in pretending that the lost loved one is still alive and living their life elsewhere.
12. Manage Personal Biases
When engaging with sensitive subjects or individuals, make a conscious effort to prevent personal biases or strong emotions from influencing your initial interactions or communications.
13. Embrace Continuous Grief
Understand that for some, grief is a continuous form of loving the lost person, and they may choose to keep it close rather than seeking closure.
14. Writing Requires Perspiration
Recognize that good writing is a result of “pure sweat” and takes a long time, emphasizing the need for dedication and effort.
6 Key Quotes
Imagine that you're all at the top of a mountain, she told them, but you all have broken bones, so you can't help each other. You each have to find your own way down.
Jennifer Senior
It did not occur to me that there would be some people who would need their grief and have no interest in moving beyond it, moving around it, achieving closure, whatever dopey metaphors people use that are, I shouldn't say dopey, they're useful. And sometimes they're right, and sometimes they're inapplicable.
Jennifer Senior
Grief is love inside out, right? Grief is joy inside out. It's the price that you pay for loving somebody. And the species can't survive without love.
Jennifer Senior (quoting George Valiant)
There are people that need me and that in itself is life. There are people I do not know yet that need me. That is life.
Bobby McIlvaine
The more we sacrifice for something, the more value we assign to it.
Jennifer Senior (writing about Philip Brickman)
I look in the mirror now and I see my best friend's mom from high school. And I just think, Joan Kuhn, what are you doing looking back at me? Like, it's the weirdest thing to be looking at this face.
Jennifer Senior