Jerks at Work | Amy Gallo
Amy Gallo, a workplace expert and author, discusses navigating interpersonal conflict at work, offering tailored tactics for dealing with various "difficult" coworker archetypes like the insecure boss, pessimist, and passive-aggressive peer. She emphasizes the importance of understanding different conflict styles and the impact of identity, while providing actionable strategies for healthier workplace interactions.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Amy Gallo's interest in workplace conflict and its importance
Challenging generic assumptions in conflict resolution
The impact of identity on conflict resolution strategies
The necessity of engaging with workplace conflict
The upside of strong work relationships
Understanding the brain's reaction to conflict
Strategies to overcome cognitive commitment in conflict
Debating the term 'difficult people' and its biases
Listeners identifying with difficult coworker archetypes
Tactics for managing the insecure boss
Approaches to handling the pessimist coworker
Engaging with the victim archetype
Why we dehumanize people in power
Strategies for the passive-aggressive peer
Managing the know-it-all and mansplaining
Addressing the tormentor coworker
Escalation and boundary setting in intractable conflicts
Universal principles for navigating workplace relationships
The role of self-care in managing conflict
Conflict resolution in remote work settings
4 Key Concepts
Premature Cognitive Commitment
When sensing a threat, the amygdala overrides the prefrontal cortex, leading to quickly forming and committing to a story or conclusion about a person or situation, often negative, and then seeking confirmation for it. This makes it hard to consider alternative, softer explanations.
Ego Defensiveness
A psychological process where individuals protect their sense of self-worth, often seen in insecure managers who micromanage or hoard information to maintain control and guard against perceived threats to their competence. Calming this defensiveness can lead to a reduction in such behaviors.
Motivational Focus (Prevention vs. Promotion)
This concept describes how people are motivated. Prevention-focused individuals (often pessimists) concentrate on risks, concerns, and preventing negative outcomes, while promotion-focused individuals (optimists) focus on opportunities, forward action, and achieving positive results.
Social Identity Threats
When an individual from a non-dominant group perceives that associating with someone from a similar background, especially if that person is struggling, could jeopardize their own standing or identity within the organization. This can lead to distancing or undermining behavior.
12 Questions Answered
Avoiding conflict is often unrealistic due to work interdependence and collaboration, and it can create negative ripple effects on teams and individual well-being, even if unaddressed directly.
Positive work relationships lead to better performance, increased engagement, higher productivity, and can make the workload feel lighter, as shown by research on team dynamics and individual ratings.
Conflict triggers the amygdala, leading to a stress response and premature cognitive commitment, where we quickly form a negative story about the other person and stick to it, making it hard to consider alternative explanations.
Practicing mindfulness, noticing physical reactions, questioning assumptions, considering alternative explanations, and taking a pause (e.g., a walk, hydration) can help unhook from the initial negative story.
The term can be dismissive, unfair, and often informed by bias, used to label those who think, look, or act differently, rather than analyzing the specific problematic behaviors.
The research suggests flattering the boss by giving genuine compliments and aligning with their goals to calm their ego defensiveness, as they often perceive many people as threats.
Avoid polarization by acknowledging their concerns (e.g., 'I see how you could think that'), then pivot to a productive discussion about mitigating risks or what needs to change for success.
Try to understand what they are afraid to convey through 'hypothesis testing,' reflect on whether your own behavior encourages their passive-aggressiveness, and establish team norms for accountability.
Ask for facts and data to challenge their declarations, preempt interruptions by stating you're speaking, and form allyships where others can speak up on your behalf, especially in cases of mansplaining rooted in gender bias.
Escalation should be considered when you lack leverage in the relationship (e.g., with a political operator or insecure boss) and when the higher authority might have the skills to address the issue, but one must weigh the risks.
Treat conflict resolution as an experiment by trying different tactics and learning from outcomes, and shift your mindset from 'me versus them' to 'me, them, and the problem we're solving together.'
Remote work can flatten interactions and increase miscommunication and misunderstandings, making it harder to see colleagues as full humans, potentially exacerbating existing fractures in relationships.
28 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Self-Care & Well-being
Actively engage in self-care practices, such as using mantras (e.g., “My body is calm. My heart is kind. I am the boss of my brain and my mind”) to remind yourself that you can control your reactions and emotions, fortifying yourself against the wearing effects of conflict.
2. Shift Conflict Mindset: Us vs. Problem
Instead of viewing conflict as “me versus them,” reframe it as “us versus the problem.” Imagine yourself and the other person on the same side, collaboratively problem-solving the issue at hand, which encourages a more cooperative exchange.
3. Treat Conflict Resolution as Experiment
Approach conflict resolution as an experiment, trying out a “menu of tactics” (ranging from direct to indirect or influence-based), making notes on what works, and revising your approach based on observed outcomes, rather than expecting a single clean solution.
4. Cultivate Positive Work Relationships
Actively foster positive, friendly, and congenial relationships at work, as research shows this leads to better performance, increased engagement, and higher productivity, making the perceived load lighter.
5. Address Conflict Proactively
Recognize that avoidance is rarely a realistic or healthy tactic in interdependent work environments, as unresolved conflict can have ripple effects (“emotional shrapnel”) on teams and personal well-being, even if you think you’re “ignoring” it.
6. Undo Premature Cognitive Commitment
When sensing a threat, pause and practice mindfulness to notice physical reactions (e.g., sweaty palms), then question your assumptions by asking “What else could be true?” or “What if I’m wrong?” to prevent committing to negative narratives.
7. Practice Perspective Taking
Engage in the exercise of trying to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you might be wrong, as this helps unhook you from your own self-told story about the conflict and reminds you your view isn’t 100% correct.
8. Remind Yourself Others Are Human
Counter the tendency to dehumanize people in power or those you find difficult by reminding yourself that everyone is a vulnerable human with insecurities, concerns, and faults, which can help relax internal tension.
9. Be Aware of “Difficult” Labels & Bias
Be cautious when labeling people as “difficult,” as this term is often used dismissively or informed by bias (e.g., against non-dominant cultures); instead, focus on specific behaviors that are challenging.
10. Reflect on Your Own Impact
Cultivate self-awareness by reflecting on your own behaviors and how they might be contributing to or exacerbating conflict, even if you don’t immediately identify with “difficult” archetypes.
11. Invite Input & Feedback Proactively
Proactively invite feedback and input from colleagues by ending sentences with engaging questions like “Does that make sense?” or “How do you see it?” to create a safer space for disagreement and avoid appearing arrogant.
12. Insecure Boss: Flatter & Align
To disarm an insecure boss, offer genuine compliments on something they are good at and align yourself with their goals, helping them achieve what they want to signal you are not a threat.
13. Insecure Boss: Imagine Non-Threatening
When interacting with an insecure boss, mentally imagine yourself as something non-threatening (e.g., a “cute, fluffy squirrel”) to subtly convey warmth and reduce tension in interactions, breaking cycles of threat and retaliation.
14. Insecure Boss: Clarify Your Goal
Before confronting an insecure boss, clarify your ultimate goal: is it to express your feelings, or to improve the relationship? Be realistic that directly standing up to them might worsen the situation.
15. Pessimist: Acknowledge & Reframe
Avoid polarizing arguments with pessimists by acknowledging their caution (“I see how you could think that,” “you’re raising an important risk”) before shifting the discussion to productive problem-solving questions like “How can we mitigate that?”
16. Victim: Encourage Agency
To counter a victim mentality, encourage agency by asking hypothetical questions like “If you were in charge, what would you do?” or “If no one else’s opinion mattered here, what would you say?”
17. Victim: Direct Responsibility & Goals
If you have responsibility for them, directly state “I see this as your responsibility” and help them articulate their work goals, explaining how playing the victim hinders achieving those goals.
18. Passive-Aggressive: Hypothesis Test
Focus on what a passive-aggressive person might be trying to convey but feels afraid to express; test your hunch by saying, “What I hear you saying, I think, is this. Am I getting that right?” to encourage directness.
19. Passive-Aggressive: Examine Your Role
Consider if your own behavior (e.g., disliking conflict, reacting poorly to disagreement) has made it unsafe for a passive-aggressive person to be direct; adjust your approach to “roll out the red carpet” for differing opinions.
20. Passive-Aggressive: Establish Team Norms
Counter passive-aggressive behavior (e.g., not following through) by establishing clear team norms for accountability, such as reporting back within 24 hours if commitments cannot be met, making it a collective responsibility.
21. Know-It-All: Ask for Data
When dealing with a know-it-all, politely ask for facts or data to support their assertions, such as “What are you basing that assumption on?” or “Can you share any data that would support that?” to challenge their overconfidence.
22. Know-It-All: Preempt Interruptions
When a know-it-all interrupts, assertively state “Could you hold any questions or thoughts till I’m done?” or simply “I’m speaking” to maintain control of the conversation.
23. Mansplaining: Form Allyships
If you are the target of mansplaining or other forms of bias, form allyships with colleagues who can speak up on your behalf (e.g., “Amy’s not done, I want to hear what she has to say”), as targets of bias are often given less credence when calling it out themselves.
24. Tormentor: Sympathize & Set Boundaries
Acknowledge the sacrifices or difficulties a “tormentor” may have experienced (e.g., “I can’t imagine it was easy for you”) to reduce their defensiveness, but also be prepared to set clear boundaries and limit interaction with them.
25. Escalate Judiciously
If tactics fail and you lack leverage, consider escalating the issue to higher-ups (HR or their boss), but carefully weigh the risks, such as whether it will make you look bad or if the recipient has the skills to address it.
26. Establish Emotional Boundaries
If a situation is torturous, set emotional boundaries by allocating a specific, limited time each day (e.g., 15 minutes) to think about the difficult person and the pain they cause, then consciously put it away to focus on other things.
27. Consider Leaving
If a work situation becomes untenable, consider looking for another job, but be realistic that new environments may also present new “difficult people”; weigh pros and cons carefully.
28. Set Time Limits for Change
If you’ve tried various tactics without success, set a time limit (e.g., three months) for specific changes to occur, and if those changes don’t materialize despite your best efforts, be prepared to explore other job opportunities.
5 Key Quotes
Whether or not it succeeded or failed was dependent on the quality of the interactions of the people in the room.
Amy Gallo
We often say, well, I'm going to do nothing. I'm just going to ignore it when we're actually doing quite a lot of things, many of which are not healthy for us.
Amy Gallo
Conflict, no matter how small, even if it's a disagreement on the project plan or the right way to email someone or whether we show up late or early to a meeting, all of that starts to feel like a threat.
Amy Gallo
My body is calm. My heart is kind. I am the boss of my brain and my mind.
Amy Gallo
The quality of our life is dependent on the quality of our relationships.
Amy Gallo
5 Protocols
Addressing the Insecure Boss (Lindy Greer's Tactic)
Amy Gallo (describing Lindy Greer's personal tactic)- Imagine yourself as a 'cute, fluffy squirrel' when interacting with the boss.
- Maintain a non-threatening mindset during the interaction.
- Observe how this mental shift can disarm the manager and reduce tension.
Undoing Premature Cognitive Commitment
Amy Gallo- Notice physical reactions (e.g., sweaty palms) that indicate feeling threatened.
- Pause and ask yourself what assumptions you are making.
- Consider what else could be true, or 'what if I'm wrong?'
- Engage in perspective-taking, even if imperfect, to unhook from your initial story.
- Check basic needs: 'Am I fed? Am I hydrated? Am I tired?'
Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior (Team Norms)
Amy Gallo- Establish a team norm that if someone says they will do something but cannot, they will report back to the team within 24 hours.
- Create a culture where the entire team holds one another accountable for commitments.
Dealing with Know-It-Alls/Mansplaining (Allyship)
Amy Gallo- Form allyships with other women or colleagues.
- When the know-it-all or mansplainer interrupts or talks over, have an ally speak up on your behalf (e.g., 'Amy's not done,' or 'That point you just made, I think Amy made it earlier; I'd like to hear again what she had to say').
Deciding When to Leave a Job Due to Conflict
Amy Gallo- Identify two specific things that must change in the situation.
- Give yourself a set timeframe (e.g., three months) to apply your best efforts and tactics to change those two things.
- If, after the set timeframe, those two things have not changed, begin looking for another job.