Jonathan Van Ness on Shame, Shopping, Bodies, and Hope
Jonathan Van Ness, hairstylist and host of Queer Eye, discusses processing grief, shame, and body dysmorphia. He shares how to cultivate hope by connecting to joy, embracing duality, and engaging in difficult conversations to foster acceptance and compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Introduction to Jonathan Van Ness and Episode Themes
Navigating Trauma Discussions and Personal Growth
Processing Grief: The Loss of a Beloved Pet
The Universality and Non-Linearity of Grief
Complex Relationship with Shopping and Capitalism
Understanding and Working with Shame
Personal History and Current Struggles with Body Image
The Concept of Body Neutrality
Cultivating Hope Through Joy and Curiosity
Hope and Engagement in Political Discourse
Embracing Complexity and Duality in Life
The Importance of Uncomfortable Conversations for Allies
4 Key Concepts
Window of Tolerance
This term, used by JVN's therapist, refers to the range of emotional arousal a person can handle without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. A small window of tolerance means a person is more easily traumatized by stressors.
Parts Therapy / Internal Family Systems (IFS)
A therapeutic approach where the patient identifies and works with different aspects or 'parts' of their personality. JVN uses this to understand internal conflicts, such as the polarization between a desire to help others and a tendency towards compulsive shopping.
Shame
Shame is defined as the fear that if one's true heart or nature were known, they would no longer be loved or accepted. It is often learned early in life, can be intensified by trauma or marginalized identity, and is seen as an obstacle to healing.
Body Neutrality
This concept suggests disentangling one's self-worth from their physical appearance, rather than focusing on 'positivity' about the body. The goal is to remove the inherent value judgment often associated with how bodies look.
10 Questions Answered
With practice, one can develop the ability to talk about trauma without becoming so attached to those experiences, making it easier to process without being consumed by it.
For some, like JVN, the unexpected nature of a pet's death, without anticipatory grief, can make it acutely painful, especially if it occurs during an already vulnerable time with a small 'window of tolerance.'
No, processing grief is not linear; one can be in a place of acceptance for a long time, and then something can happen that pulls them back to shock, despair, or other stages of grieving.
One can reconcile this by acknowledging duality and simultaneous truths: it's possible to be selfless and help people while also indulging in personal desires like buying luxury items.
Shame is the fear of being unloved if one's true nature is known; it's often learned young and intensified by trauma or marginalized identity, as the world wasn't wired for their acceptance, leading to more rejection and reoccurring shame.
An antidote to shame includes acceptance, compassion, and curiosity, by asking 'Why do I feel like this?' and contextualizing or unblending from the shame, recognizing that one is the observer of shame, not the shame itself.
Body neutrality suggests that one should not attach their worth to the way they look, aiming to disentangle value from physical appearance, rather than focusing on positive feelings about one's body.
Hope can be cultivated by connecting to joy, even if it's a small part of life, and by orienting oneself to activities that bring happiness, thereby building a pathway to joy in the brain through the act of seeking it out.
A lack of civic education means people don't understand how much local, state, and congressional governments affect them, leading to lower voter turnout and disempowerment.
Allies can support by having uncomfortable, calm, clear, and loving conversations with family members or others in spaces where these conversations might not go over smoothly, to help shift perspectives.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Accept Life’s Duality
Embrace the complexity and contradictions of life, understanding that joy and sorrow, good and bad, can coexist, and that finding peace is possible even amidst catastrophe.
2. Cultivate Observer Self
Distinguish yourself from your experiences and feelings by recognizing your ‘highest self’ as the observer of life’s happenings, rather than being defined by them.
3. Address Shame with Curiosity
Confront feelings of shame by asking ‘why do I feel like this?’ and approaching it with acceptance, compassion, and curiosity, recognizing that you are not your shame.
4. Reduce Self-Judgment
Recognize that harsh self-criticism can lead to judging others; work on being kinder to yourself to foster less judgment towards others.
5. Embrace Grief as Love
Understand that grief is an inevitable consequence of deep love and connection; choose vulnerability and connection despite the certainty of future loss.
6. Cultivate Persistent Hope
Maintain a small, persistent sense of hope, even during difficult times, as it provides a pathway to return to and can fuel healing and personal growth.
7. Seek Joy Actively
To cultivate hope, actively seek out activities that bring you joy, even if you don’t immediately feel it, as the act of seeking builds a pathway to joy in your brain.
8. Adopt Body Neutrality
Disentangle your self-worth from physical appearance and societal beauty standards, focusing instead on what your body can do and its inherent value beyond aesthetics.
9. Practice Balanced Boundaries
Learn to set boundaries by asking for what you need upfront, recognizing that past trauma might lead to disproportionate reactions, and continuously work to balance this skill.
10. Embrace Duality in Values
Recognize that contradictory truths can coexist within yourself (e.g., being selfless and indulging in personal desires) and strive to accept both aspects rather than picking one over the other.
11. Process Trauma Without Becoming
Practice discussing past traumatic experiences without re-identifying with them, aiming to create distance and prevent re-traumatization.
12. Acknowledge Non-Linear Grief
Understand that grief is not a linear process; past wounds can reopen, and you may revisit stages of grief even after long periods of acceptance.
13. Process Anticipatory Grief
Acknowledge and process potential future losses or difficult events when possible, as this can help mitigate acute pain when they occur.
14. Validate Love for Pets
Recognize that deep love and connection can be felt for anyone you protect, including animals, and do not diminish or invalidate this love.
15. Engage Uncomfortable Conversations
As an ally, initiate calm, clear, and loving conversations with family members or others who hold opposing views, especially on issues affecting marginalized communities, to foster understanding and shift perspectives.
16. Advocate for Civic Education
Support and promote civic education to empower people with knowledge about how local, state, and federal governments impact their lives, thereby increasing voter turnout and engagement.
17. Adopt Multiple Pets
Consider adopting two new kittens after the loss of one pet, as the care and presence of new animals can help alleviate sadness (the ‘Charlotte’s Web rule’).
6 Key Quotes
Can you talk about your trauma without becoming your trauma?
Jonathan Van Ness
You can't heal what you keep hidden in shame.
Jonathan Van Ness
We are not our shame. We are like humans who are capable of so much love and so much compassion. We are such multi-layered, incredible vessels that we are not our shame. Like we are the observer of that shame. We are the observer of our feelings.
Jonathan Van Ness
It's really hard to be hopeful if you don't connect to your joy.
Jonathan Van Ness
Joy can live beside sorrow and that sadness doesn't invalidate your right to experience happiness.
Jonathan Van Ness
We've divested from education, we've divested from infrastructure, divested from healthcare, it makes people sick and fucking stupid.
Jonathan Van Ness
1 Protocols
Charlotte's Web Rule for Grieving Cats
Jonathan Van Ness- If one cat passes away, go get two more kittens.
- This makes it harder to be sad about the loss of one cat when you have two more kittens to take care of.