Joseph Goldstein + Mark Epstein On: How To Handle Unwanted Experiences, How Not To Waste Your Suffering & The Overlap Between Buddhism + Therapy

1. Utilize Suffering for Learning

When experiencing suffering or unwanted experiences, view them as opportunities to be mindful, curious, and learn about your habitual patterns, taking responsibility for your mind’s reaction to free yourself from difficulty.

2. Reframe Issues Positively

Practice reframing problems, such as anxiety as excitement or failure as experimentation, to view them in a more helpful light and create an opportunity to learn.

3. Meditate to Manage Inner Voice

Practice meditation to develop a new relationship with your inner narrator, allowing you to respond wisely to situations rather than reacting blindly to neurotic obsessions.

4. Cultivate Happiness as a Skill

Understand that happiness is a skill that can be developed and changed, rather than a fixed factory setting.

5. Switch to Gratitude Channel

When facing difficulties or unwanted experiences, consciously switch your mind to a ‘gratitude channel’ by focusing on the blessings and good things in your life to enlarge your perspective and uplift your feelings.

6. Express Gratitude to Universe

Regularly express gratitude to the universe for the blessings in your life, as this simple act can be meaningful and uplifting, transferring positive feelings to interactions with others.

7. View Distraction as Success

When meditating and noticing distraction, consider it a moment of success rather than failure, as this awareness helps you become familiar with your mind’s workings and observe thoughts non-judgmentally.

8. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation

Sit comfortably with a straight spine and closed or softly gazing eyes. Envision a series of beings (easy to love, yourself, mentor, neutral, mildly annoying, all beings) and send them the phrases: ‘May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be safe, and May you live with ease,’ connecting the words to the image or felt sense without needing to feel a certain way.

9. Practice Three Walking Meditations

Engage in walking meditation using three frames: 1) Be aware of walking through space, letting your mind become space; 2) Ask ‘Am I dreaming?’ while walking to shift perspective from body identification; 3) Frame your walk as moving through the mind, making awareness the focus.

10. Cultivate Body Movement Awareness

Practice formal walking meditation to develop a habit of being naturally grounded in the movement of your body, even in busy environments, without particular effort.

11. Develop Basic Stillness

Practice developing basic stillness and concentration to avoid being constantly caught up in thoughts and distractions.

12. Adopt Historical/Cosmic Perspective

When faced with overwhelming issues like politics, adopt a historical perspective to see that similar challenges have occurred for millennia, or a cosmic perspective (like Carl Sagan’s Blue Dot) to enlarge your view and avoid getting caught up in thinking the current moment is a disaster.

13. Cultivate Compassion for Difficult People

When dealing with people who upset you, try to cultivate compassion by recognizing their potential suffering and the unskillful actions that stem from ignorance, rather than focusing solely on their actions.

14. Seek Non-Judgmental Holding

Seek out relationships, whether with a meditation teacher or a therapist, where you can express your inner experiences and difficulties without judgment, as this non-judgmental holding is very healing.

15. Use Therapy for Relational Awareness

Engage in psychotherapy to apply the self-awareness gained through meditation to interpersonal relationships, using the therapeutic relationship as a ‘playground’ to observe and understand your own patterns in action.

16. Identify Clinging in Therapy

Utilize therapy to identify instances of ‘clinging’ in your behavior and thought patterns, as becoming aware of it can help you release it and feel better.

17. Explore the ‘Self’ in Therapy

Use therapy as a means to explore and understand how the ‘self’ appears in your own experience, which is a prerequisite for understanding the concept of selflessness.

18. Grasp Two Levels of Reality

Understand the Buddhist concept of two levels of reality (relative and ultimate truth) simultaneously, which can help you avoid taking your thoughts, urges, and emotions too personally.

19. Foster Creative Silence

Understand that the deepest creative expression often emerges from a silent, quiet mind rather than the thinking mind, suggesting that practices that quiet the mind can enhance creativity.

20. Engage in Writing Retreats

Consider doing writing retreats where you alternate between sitting meditation and writing, as this can foster deep creative expression from a silent mind.

21. Supercharge Growth with Community

Engage in personal growth, self-development, or spiritual work with other people, as this communal aspect can supercharge the effort.

22. Undertake Silent Retreats for Self-Exploration

Engage in silent meditation retreats to explore every part of your mind, gaining perspective and space to understand patterns that cause suffering and bring happiness.

23. Prioritize Remembering Practices

Acknowledge that remembering to apply practices like gratitude or mindfulness in daily life is often the hardest part, and make an effort to do so.