Karamo: How to Actually Do Self-Love (January, 2021)
Dan Harris speaks with Karamo, culture expert on Netflix's Queer Eye, about the importance of self-love. They discuss how Karamo overcame negative messages from his childhood, why men struggle with self-love, and practical ways to cultivate self-compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Introduction to Self-Love and Karamo's Background
Karamo's Personal Journey to Self-Love and Identity
Overcoming Abusive Childhood Experiences
Daily Practice for Building Self-Esteem
Distinguishing Self-Love from Conceit
Societal Barriers to Self-Love for Men
Addressing the 'Self-Love is Selfish' Notion
The Harm of Comparison on Self-Love
Parenting and Modeling Self-Love for Children
Navigating Criticism and 'Council Culture'
Strategies for Rebuilding Self-Esteem Amidst Criticism
The Interpersonal Aspect: Service to Others as Self-Love
Self-Love Perspective on New Year's Resolutions
6 Key Concepts
Self-love / Self-compassion
This is real, nuanced work backed by science, where accepting and being cool with oneself is a foundational way to make lasting change. For Karamo, it means finding love for every piece of his identity to build confidence and assert his right to a happy life.
Self-esteem
Karamo defines self-esteem as 'nothing but the words we practice saying to ourselves.' Negative self-talk erodes it, while consciously practicing positive affirmations builds it up, creating a barrier against external negativity.
Compassion up, ego down
This is a daily mantra Karamo uses to ensure that practicing self-love is an act of compassion for oneself, aimed at feeling protected and safe, rather than becoming conceited or building oneself up at someone else's expense.
Emotional contagion
This concept describes how emotions are passed from person to person. For example, a happy mood or laughter can inadvertently affect someone else's mood, and similarly, being in a room where people are crying can make others feel emotional.
Council culture
Karamo's proposed alternative to 'cancel culture,' where instead of dismissing or telling people they are wrong, the approach is to bring them in, educate them, and try to change the culture from within.
Comparison is the thief of joy
This adage highlights how comparing one's life, achievements, or circumstances to those of others can steal personal happiness, self-love, and lead to feelings of inadequacy, preventing appreciation for what one has.
9 Questions Answered
Self-love is real, nuanced work, backed by science, and is crucial for making lasting change by first accepting oneself. For Karamo, it's essential for building confidence and asserting one's right to a happy life, especially when facing consistent negative messages about identity.
A practical way is to engage in a 'mirror practice' daily: instead of criticizing oneself, find one positive thing to say about oneself in the mirror, starting small and gradually adding more affirmations to build a barrier against external negativity.
Karamo suggests focusing on the mantra 'keep the compassion up, ego down.' This means practicing self-love for personal protection, safety, and feeling loved, not to feel superior or to harm others.
Society grooms men to suppress vulnerability, teaching them they can be smart and strong but not vulnerable, which is seen as 'less of a man.' This narrative, pushed from childhood, harms men's ability to discuss their struggles and find self-love.
Karamo argues it's not selfish; societal pressures often make people feel guilty for slowing down or focusing on themselves. Taking time for self-love is crucial to avoid unhealthy careers or relationships and to be a better parent, as children mirror parental behavior.
Comparison is 'the thief of joy' because when people compare themselves to others, they steal their own happiness and self-love. This leads to feeling inadequate or that one isn't doing enough, negatively impacting self-esteem.
Karamo recommends writing down criticism to honor it, then writing down actions taken to make real change based on that criticism to evaluate intentions and actions. Additionally, relying on a small, trusted 'tribe' for support and asking them to 'love me a little bit louder' is vital.
Yes, being of service to others can be a form of self-love due to 'emotional contagion.' Witnessing the joy and mood change in others after helping them can inadvertently fill one with joy and rebuild one's own self-love.
Karamo is not a fan of resolutions that imply hating who you are now. Instead, he advocates for 'emotional goals' like trusting oneself more or becoming more compassionate, emphasizing loving where you are now on your journey of growth rather than setting markers that can lead to guilt and self-hate.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Accept Yourself for Lasting Change
To make lasting change, first accept yourself and be cool with who you are, as this is a foundational step.
2. Work on Self with Affection
Approach self-improvement with affection and self-compassion, rather than aggression or self-criticism, to make it more sustainable and effective.
3. Replace Negative Self-Talk
Actively replace habitual negative self-dialogue with more positive self-talk to improve self-compassion and self-esteem.
4. Practice Daily Mirror Affirmations
Look in the mirror daily and practice saying good things about yourself, starting with one positive thing and gradually adding more, to build self-esteem and self-love.
5. Use Affirmations as a Barrier
When faced with external negativity, recall the positive affirmations you’ve practiced to create a mental barrier against those comments.
6. Prioritize Compassion, Lower Ego
Remind yourself daily to keep compassion up and ego down, ensuring self-love practices are for personal well-being, not for feeling superior.
7. Allow Yourself to Slow Down
Challenge the societal pressure to constantly be busy and allow yourself to slow down, take a breath, and focus on personal well-being without guilt.
8. Avoid Comparison to Others
Actively remove yourself from comparing your life or achievements to others, as comparison steals your joy and self-love.
9. Practice Self-Acceptance, Love What You Have
Consciously remove comparison to others, allowing yourself to love what you have and what you are doing, even while acknowledging a desire for improvement.
10. Set Emotional Goals, Not Resolutions
Instead of traditional New Year’s resolutions, set emotional goals like trusting yourself more or becoming more compassionate to yourself.
11. Avoid Self-Destructive Resolutions
Avoid making New Year’s resolutions that focus on changing yourself from a place of self-hate, as this can be self-destructive and lead to guilt.
12. Design Your Journey, Set Your Pace
Design your personal growth journey on your own terms and walk at your own pace, avoiding pressure from arbitrary timelines or feeling like a failure.
13. Goal Setting Anytime, With Support
Engage in goal setting at any time of the year, ensuring you prepare, make proper choices, and are willing to ask for help.
14. Embrace Vulnerability as Strength
Recognize that vulnerability is a strength, especially for men, challenging societal norms that discourage emotional expression.
15. Process Criticism Empathetically
When criticized, write down the criticism to honor and understand it, then write down actions taken to address it, aligning intentions with change.
16. Communicate Need for Support
Cultivate a small, trusted tribe and use the phrase “I need you to love me a little bit louder” to signal when you need extra support and affirmation.
17. Serve Others to Serve Self
Engage in service to others, as witnessing their joy and mood change can inadvertently uplift your own mood and rebuild your self-love.
18. Use “Perfectly Designed” Mantra
Use the mantra “you are perfectly designed” as a reminder of inherent worth, especially when feeling inadequate or comparing oneself to others.
19. Set Daily Phone Reminders
Utilize smartphone alarms to set daily reminders for practices like meditation, finding time for yourself, or practicing self-love.
20. Embrace a ‘Council Culture’
Advocate for and practice a ‘council culture’ instead of a ‘cancel culture,’ by bringing in and educating those with differing views rather than dismissing them.
6 Key Quotes
Self-esteem is nothing but the words we practice saying to ourselves.
Karamo
Keep the compassion up, keep the ego down.
Karamo
Your vulnerability is your strength. Your vulnerability is sexy.
Karamo
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Karamo
I need you to love me a little bit louder.
Karamo
You're telling someone to hate the body they're in right now. And the body I'm in right now, I got to fall in love with it, because it's here. It's where I am.
Karamo
2 Protocols
Daily Mirror Practice for Self-Esteem
Karamo- Wake up in the morning and step in front of the mirror.
- Instead of immediately finding negative things about yourself, stop.
- Find one positive thing about your body, face, or who you are.
- Say that positive thing to yourself (e.g., 'I like my eyebrow').
- Practice this daily, gradually adding one more positive thing each day as your self-esteem strengthens.
- Use these established affirmations as a barrier against negative comments or narratives from the outside world throughout the day.
Dealing with Criticism and Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Karamo- Avoid self-destructing through unhealthy behaviors (e.g., excessive drinking or eating) when feeling criticized or lacking confidence.
- Write down the criticism received to acknowledge and respect it, showing empathy for others' perspectives.
- On the other side, write down the specific actions you have taken to make real change based on that criticism.
- Align the criticism with your direct actions to evaluate your intentions and efforts, which helps to rebuild your self-esteem by confirming you are working towards improvement.
- Talk to a small, trusted group of people (your 'tribe') and use the phrase 'I need you to love me a little bit louder' to clearly communicate your need for support and reassurance.