Letting Go of Perfectionism | La Sarmiento
This episode features Vipassana meditation teacher La Sarmiento, who discusses radical kindness, distinguishing it from "idiot compassion," and strategies for being kind to difficult people while setting boundaries. They also share personal insights on self-acceptance and overcoming perfectionism.
Deep Dive Analysis
13 Topic Outline
Defining Kindness vs. Radical Kindness
Personal Experience of Radical Kindness in Community
Motivation and Benefits of Radical Kindness
Self-Care and Filling Your Cup
Overcoming Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism
Achieving Self-Acceptance and 'All Rightness'
Handling Difficult People and Setting Boundaries
Understanding 'Idiot Compassion'
Ted Lasso as an Avatar of Radical Kindness
Cultivating Curiosity Over Judgment
The Power of Forgiveness
Noticing Suffering as a Feedback Mechanism
Introduction to the Ted Lasso Meditation Challenge
5 Key Concepts
Radical Kindness
Radical kindness goes beyond simple good gestures; it asks something of ourselves, often involving inconvenience or personal sacrifice. It's not necessarily easy but feels like a generous act rather than an obligation, fueled by a desire to connect and serve.
Perfectionism as a Shield
Perfectionism can serve as a survival mechanism, especially when feeling unaccepted or 'wrong' in one's identity. It's a way to avoid criticism or being 'found out' by trying to be flawless, but it is ultimately exhausting and prevents genuine self-acceptance.
All Rightness / Okayness
This refers to a baseline state of contentment and peace, a feeling that 'who you are is already okay.' It's cultivated through mindfulness and loving-kindness practices, helping to quiet the mind's self-critical messages and fostering an acceptance of oneself as a basic, fine entity.
Idiot Compassion
Idiot compassion is a form of compassion that enables harmful behavior in others or themselves by failing to set appropriate boundaries or speak difficult truths. It arises from a desire to be supportive but avoids rocking the boat, ultimately allowing unhealthy situations to continue.
Mindfulness as Remembering
Mindfulness is understood as remembering to do what we know feels good, even if it's counterintuitive. It's about waking up to our inner dialogue and choosing to reprogram it with more helpful messages, rather than blindly acting on ingrained conditioning.
8 Questions Answered
Garden-variety kindness is easy and natural, like holding a door, while radical kindness requires a step further, asking something inconvenient or sacrificial of ourselves, like interrupting a personal activity to help a loved one in need.
Practicing radical kindness, even when inconvenient or painful, feels good and freeing, connecting us to others and helping them recognize their own goodness, creating a virtuous cycle that the world needs.
Self-care involves not overworking, prioritizing relationships, spending time alone or in nature, and allowing for spaciousness, as well as being open to receiving support and care from others, like a massage.
This state is achieved through consistent meditation and mindfulness, observing the mind's harmful messages, and then actively reprogramming the inner dialogue with loving-kindness phrases, even if they initially feel forced, to create new neural pathways.
In immediate situations, one should breathe to calm the nervous system, give the person the benefit of the doubt, and consider what the situation is teaching (patience, compassion). Setting boundaries might involve taking a break or removing oneself from the situation, while still wishing the person well from the heart.
Idiot compassion enables harmful behavior in others by failing to confront or set boundaries, often out of a desire to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. True compassion, in contrast, requires courage to speak difficult truths from a place of love, even if it risks impacting the relationship.
By consciously choosing to see goodness in people, pausing before condemning, and being curious about what may have led to their behavior, individuals can cultivate humility and recognize shared humanity, remembering that everyone makes mistakes.
Forgiveness practice should begin with oneself, being gentler and more forgiving of daily judgments and mistakes. By cultivating self-forgiveness for small things, one expands the heart's capacity to extend that same forgiveness to others for larger harms.
27 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Self-Acceptance with Metta
Use mindfulness to observe negative self-talk, then actively reprogram your inner dialogue with loving-kindness (metta) phrases like ‘May I accept myself just as I am’ to create new neural pathways and foster a sense of ‘all rightness’.
2. Prioritize Self-Compassion Fuels Others
Cultivate kindness, gentleness, and compassion towards yourself first, as this self-care fuels your capacity to offer kindness to others and prevents burnout.
3. Embrace Curiosity Over Judgment
Actively choose to be curious about others rather than judgmental, giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeking to understand their experiences to foster connection and see their inherent goodness.
4. Recognize Self-Inflicted Suffering
Become aware of the constant negative messages and stories your mind tells you, recognize the suffering they cause, and choose not to continue reinforcing them.
5. Notice Suffering as Alarm
Regularly check in with yourself to notice when you are suffering, using this awareness as an alarm bell to prompt action and alleviate that suffering.
6. Embrace “Begin Again” Mindset
When you inevitably forget or fall off track with your practice, forgive yourself, be gentle and compassionate, and simply ‘begin again’ without self-reproach.
7. Choose Empowering Self-Stories
Recognize that your internal narrative is a story, and consciously choose to tell yourself a positive, helpful story rather than one that causes suffering.
8. Practice Radical Kindness
Go beyond garden-variety kindness by engaging in acts that are inconvenient or require personal sacrifice, as this is a deeper form of generosity.
9. Avoid “Idiot Compassion” Discernment
Do not enable harmful behavior in others; instead, practice ’true compassion’ by courageously and lovingly pointing out when their actions or situations are unhealthy or toxic.
10. Start Forgiveness With Yourself
Begin the practice of forgiveness by being gentler and kinder to yourself, forgiving daily self-judgments and accepting your imperfections and mistakes as part of being human.
11. Set Boundaries, Maintain Kindness
If someone is too challenging, set boundaries by removing them from your immediate life, but still maintain the intention to wish them well from your heart.
12. Engage Difficult Conversations, Self-Care
Participate in uncomfortable but important conversations (e.g., DEI) by first ensuring you have the capacity and support (e.g., from your community) to re-engage after experiencing harm.
13. Confront Harm Respectfully
When someone causes harm, even unintentionally, respectfully confront them by stating the impact their action had on you and asking what they would do differently next time.
14. Reduce Overwork, Prioritize Presence
Shift away from deriving self-worth from constant productivity and busyness; instead, prioritize being present in your life and making time for important relationships.
15. Recharge with Relationships, Solitude, Nature
Actively seek out and engage in activities that replenish your energy, such as spending time with loved ones, being alone, and connecting with nature.
16. Practice Receiving Support
Overcome the Western individualist tendency to be self-reliant by practicing vulnerability and receiving support from others, recognizing our social nature and need for connection.
17. Personalize Loving-Kindness Practice
Find a method that resonates with your learning style (e.g., kinesthetic, like walking and holding your heart) to make loving-kindness phrases deeply penetrate and feel authentic.
18. Calm Nervous System in Moments
When faced with a difficult person or situation, pause to breathe and calm your nervous system before reacting.
19. Practice Compassionate Inquiry
Give difficult people the benefit of the doubt, create space in your heart, and extend compassion to yourself for any negative thoughts you may have about them.
20. Seek Lessons from Interactions
View challenging situations and people as opportunities to practice and learn virtues like patience, kindness, compassion, and acceptance.
21. Practice “Stealth Loving Kindness”
Secretly wish well-being to people you encounter in public (e.g., ‘May you be happy, may you be free from suffering’) to cultivate a field of kindness for yourself and others.
22. Strive Greatness Without Self-Abuse
Pursue excellence in your endeavors, but do so without resorting to harsh self-criticism or beating yourself up, maintaining a gentler approach.
23. Use “Dimmer Switch” Vulnerability
Adjust the openness of your heart and vulnerability based on the situation, rather than an all-or-nothing approach, to protect yourself while remaining connected.
24. Connect to Kindness Pleasure
Engage in acts of kindness and service because it feels good, freeing, and aligns with our natural wiring to connect and support others, creating a virtuous cycle.
25. Use Self-Forgiveness Practice Space
Treat daily self-forgiveness (e.g., for missing deadlines, not meditating enough) as a training ground to cultivate the capacity to extend forgiveness to others.
26. Receive Physical Support
Don’t hesitate to receive physical care, like a massage, from others, recognizing that we cannot do everything alone and receiving can be powerful.
27. Watch Ted Lasso Show
Watch the TV show ‘Ted Lasso’ for lessons on the utility of kindness and the disutility of perfectionism, as it offers many ’nuggets of goodness’.
5 Key Quotes
Be curious, not judgmental.
Walt Whitman (quoted by Ted Lasso)
My vow in this life is to live with an open heart, but it's not like one that's like totally wide open or one that's completely closed. And so as my teacher, Joe Weston, often says, you know, rather than an off and on switch with our hearts, let's upgrade to a dimmer switch.
La Sarmiento
It's all story. Like, and so if we're going to tell ourselves a story, tell yourself a good one.
La Sarmiento
You can be out of my life, but not out of my heart.
La Sarmiento
We are what we think. With our thoughts, we create the world. So if we choose to see goodness in people, we will see goodness in people. If we choose to see the worst in people, we'll see the worst in people.
La Sarmiento (paraphrasing the Buddha)
3 Protocols
Self-Acceptance Walking Practice
La Sarmiento- Walk, and with each step, offer yourself a loving-kindness phrase.
- Physically hold your heart to help these phrases land.
- Commit to consistently trying to create new neuropathways in your mind.
Responding to Harmful Actions
La Sarmiento- Respectfully confront the person by stating the impact their action had on you.
- Ask if, given this impact, they would do differently next time.
- Have compassion for the ignorance, but do not enable or allow the harmful behavior to continue.
Cultivating Forgiveness
La Sarmiento- Start by offering forgiveness to yourself for daily judgments and imperfections (e.g., missing a deadline, not meditating enough).
- Give yourself space to be human, imperfect, and make mistakes.
- Expand this cultivation of the heart to be gentler, kinder, and more open-hearted towards others.