Losing Your Patience? Here's How to Get it Back
This two-part episode features Dr. Sarah Schnitker, Dr. Kate Sweeny, and meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg, who discuss how patience is a trainable skill. They explore strategies like cognitive reappraisal, finding flow, and mindfulness to cope with uncertainty and improve well-being.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Patience Research and Guests
Dr. Kate Sweeny's Work on Waiting and Uncertainty
Dr. Sarah Schnitker on Patience as a Character Strength
Defining Patience and Its Three Key Types
The Essential Role of Purpose in Cultivating Patience
Flow States as a Coping Strategy During Quarantine
Patience: A Trainable Skill Beyond a Personality Trait
Marshmallow Test and Delaying Gratification in Patience
Faking Patience Versus Cultivating True Patience
Interpersonal Patience and Building Empathy
Loving Kindness Meditation for Patience and Connection
Balancing Optimism and Pessimism in Uncertain Times
Sharon Salzberg: Meditation as a Path to Patience
Patience is an Active Strength, Not Passivity
Mindfulness for Noticing and Releasing Rushing
Loving Kindness for Self-Compassion and Understanding Others
Cultivating Patience for Macro-Level Uncertainty
The 'Bucket of Water' Analogy for Gradual Growth
8 Key Concepts
Patience
Patience is defined as the ability to be calm in the face of frustration, obstacles, or suffering. It encompasses enduring long-term hardships, interpersonal challenges, and daily hassles, and is considered a character strength that can be cultivated.
Three Types of Patience
Patience manifests in three distinct but connected forms: long-term life hardship patience (e.g., chronic illness), interpersonal patience (e.g., with family), and daily hassles patience (e.g., traffic jams). The long-term and interpersonal types are most predictive of well-being.
Flow State
A flow state is a feeling of total absorption in an activity that is just the right amount of challenging, pleasurable, and allows for tracking progress. In this state, one loses track of time and self, and it can be a highly effective coping mechanism during stressful, uncertain periods.
Cognitive Reappraisal
Cognitive reappraisal is a strategy for emotional regulation that involves reframing a situation by thinking about it in a different way. This can include finding benefits in a hardship or recognizing that things could be worse, thereby blunting the emotional impact.
Transcendence (in Patience)
Transcendence in the context of patience refers to finding a higher purpose beyond oneself that makes suffering or waiting worthwhile. This purpose can be spiritual, communal, or societal, providing energy and motivation to endure difficult situations.
Acedia (Akidia)
Acedia is an ancient philosophical vice, positioned opposite to patience, characterized by giving up on life, disengagement, sloth, boredom, or excessive busyness. It is associated with depressive symptoms and the inability to stay engaged with important things.
Defensive Pessimism
Defensive pessimism is a strategy used when waiting for an outcome with a clear end, where one adopts a more pessimistic mindset to prepare for the worst. This can protect against disappointment, make good news feel better, and reduce anxiety by providing a sense of control over future emotional states.
Loving Kindness Practice (Metta)
Loving kindness practice is a meditation methodology that cultivates kindness, compassion, and positive feelings towards oneself and others. It helps build empathy, reduce self-judgment, and foster a sense of connection to a larger whole, making it easier to be patient and understanding.
12 Questions Answered
Researchers primarily ask people about their worry, repetitive thoughts, general emotional state, symptoms of ill health, and poor sleep, using multiple measures to ensure accuracy.
Since the industrial revolution, Western culture has viewed waiting or suffering as a technological failure to be fixed, rather than a natural part of life. However, patience is crucial because many important life events are uncontrollable and require waiting, and cultivating it helps regulate emotions and make wise decisions.
Patience is defined as the ability to be calm in the face of frustration, obstacles, or suffering, which can include long-term hardships, interpersonal challenges, and daily hassles.
If there's no reason to wait or suffer, people tend to give up or get angry. Having a higher-order purpose beyond the self, such as building community, contributing to society, or connecting with something transcendent, energizes a person and makes the suffering worthwhile.
Being in a state of 'flow' (total absorption in a challenging, pleasurable activity with clear progress) has been shown to ameliorate the negative effects of long quarantine, making people feel as well as those not in quarantine.
Yes, video games are often custom-made to create a flow state, which can help pass time and make people feel good, especially when stuck in quarantine with little else to do.
Patience is considered a character strength or virtue that can be trained and developed through practices like meditation, cognitive reappraisal, and finding flow states, leading to improved emotional regulation and well-being.
Patience is not passive acceptance or resignation; it's an active strength that allows for wise decision-making and action, rather than being driven by fear or anxiety. It involves understanding reality and choosing skillful responses, not just letting things happen.
Mindfulness practice helps bring awareness to present experiences, allowing individuals to notice assumptions, interpretations, and projections into the future. By observing these patterns, one can choose to let them go, drop into how things are, and develop acceptance.
Loving kindness practice builds empathy and connection by systematically cultivating kindness and compassion towards oneself and others. This practice helps individuals see others as human beings, want the best for them, and approach difficult interactions with understanding rather than judgment or anger.
It's advisable to maintain as much realistic optimism as possible, but periodically check in with oneself to ensure preparedness for potential negative outcomes. This approach aims to avoid constant misery while still being ready for what might come.
Noticing the internal feeling of rushing (e.g., a buzzing in the chest) through mindfulness can serve as a signal to pause, take a breath, regroup, and return to the present moment. This practice, even in small repeated instances, helps cultivate presence and prevents being constantly driven by forward propulsion.
29 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Patience as a Strength
Actively cultivate patience as a strength to better deal with suffering, uncertainty, and waiting, especially for important life events that are beyond immediate control.
2. Anchor Patience in Higher Purpose
Identify a higher-order purpose beyond yourself for enduring waiting or suffering (e.g., community, society, spiritual connection) to energize you and prevent anger or giving up.
3. Train and Develop Patience
Actively train and develop patience, as it is a quality that can be improved through various strategies like meditation, cognitive reappraisal, and transcendence.
4. Embrace Discomfort, Lean In
Lean into discomfort, restlessness, and uncertainty rather than avoiding them, as this direct engagement can lead to long-term freedom from being controlled by difficult emotions.
5. Cultivate Emotional Awareness
Practice becoming aware of and identifying your current emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, anxiety), as this awareness can take power away from negative emotions and is a critical step in regulating them effectively.
6. Confront Negative Emotions Mindfully
Confront and become fully aware of negative emotions without judgment, rather than resorting to escapism, as this is crucial for developing genuine, long-term patience.
7. Reframe Situations with Reappraisal
Practice cognitive reappraisal by reframing difficult situations, such as finding benefits in hardship or recognizing that things could be worse, to blunt emotional impact and cultivate patience.
8. Seek Flow States for Well-being
Actively seek and engage in “flow” activities (pleasurable, challenging but not too challenging, with clear progress tracking) to significantly ameliorate the negative effects of long-term uncertainty and improve well-being.
9. Practice Loving Kindness for Others
Practice loving kindness meditation to build connections, foster a sense of being part of a larger whole, and cultivate empathy and compassion, which are crucial for interpersonal patience.
10. Use Rushing as a Pause Signal
When you notice yourself rushing, use it as a signal to pause, take a breath, and re-center yourself in the present moment, as rushing indicates a lack of presence and can lead to loss of focus.
11. Value Moments of Recovery
Appreciate and value every moment you catch yourself getting lost or impatient and choose to return to presence or your intention, as these moments of recovery are crucial for growth and progress in developing patience.
12. Build Patience Through Habits
View patience as a character strength that can be built through consistent habits, and reward yourself for practicing it, recognizing that small, rewarding steps contribute to long-term growth.
13. Practice Patience in Daily Life
Use daily hassles (traffic, lines, phone waits) as opportunities to practice patience, as these situations serve as training grounds for developing the skill for more significant life challenges.
14. Drop Into Present Reality
Practice “dropping in” to the current reality of a situation or person, letting go of past expectations, to foster patience by accepting things as they are and enabling authentic relationships.
15. Understand True Acceptance
Understand that acceptance of a situation means acknowledging reality as it is, not necessarily enjoying it or being passive, which prevents misinterpreting patience as resignation and allows for skillful action.
16. Assume Best Intentions in Others
Adopt the perspective that people, including those you are locked down with, are generally doing the best they can, fostering patience and compassion and avoiding unnecessary frustration.
17. Communicate with “I Language”
When communicating, especially in interpersonal conflicts, use “I language” to express your feelings and needs without condemning others, fostering better communication and more constructive interactions.
18. Embrace “Welcome to Human Race”
When you notice something about yourself or others that you don’t like, internally or externally say, “Welcome to the human race,” to foster universal acceptance and self-compassion.
19. Avoid Useless Future Worry
Recognize and disengage from “useless” future conceptualizations or grim anticipations that are impossible to know or deal with in the present, as they only produce angst.
20. Balance Optimism with Reality Checks
Maintain general optimism during open-ended uncertainty, but periodically allow for “defensive pessimism” to check preparedness, sustaining positivity while ensuring readiness for potential negative outcomes.
21. Employ Defensive Pessimism Strategically
When waiting for news with a clear end, shift from general optimism to a more pessimistic mindset closer to the moment of truth, to prepare for bad news and reduce anxiety.
22. Meditate for Emotional Awareness
Incorporate meditation into your routine to stop, become aware of your emotions, and develop the self-awareness necessary for patience, especially in busy, stimulating environments.
23. Match Meditation to Current Needs
Regularly check in with yourself to assess your current struggles and choose a meditation practice (e.g., mindfulness for anxiety, loving kindness for interpersonal issues) that best addresses those needs.
24. Designate a “Patience Gym”
Designate specific physical spaces in your home for practicing patience-building activities like meditation, as associating a physical space with a habit can help activate those good habits.
25. Discover Personal Flow Activities
Reflect on and identify personal activities that induce a state of flow, allowing you to intentionally engage in them to manage time, stress, and well-being.
26. Prioritize Engaging Over Passive Relaxation
When seeking to quiet your mind or pass time, prioritize engaging activities over merely relaxing ones (like passive TV watching), as they are more effective at absorbing your attention and preventing rumination.
27. Utilize Video Games for Flow
If you enjoy them, consider playing video games or engaging in gamified activities, as they are often custom-made to create flow states, helping pass time and feel good.
28. Boost Empathy with Media Narratives
Engage with compelling narratives through TV shows, movies, or novels to provide social connection, replenish well-being, and build empathy skills, which helps with interpersonal patience.
29. Cultivate Qualities Drop by Drop
Approach the development of qualities like mindfulness and loving kindness as a continuous process of adding small, consistent efforts, encouraging persistent practice without discouragement.
10 Key Quotes
I think life and death is often in the eye of the beholder with these situations.
Kate Sweeny
A lot of the things that are most important in life, you don't have control over, and you have to wait.
Sarah Schnitker
People who are dispositionally patient actually exert more effort in the pursuit of their goals.
Sarah Schnitker
If you have no reason to wait or suffer, why? Why are you doing it, right? So you just give up or you get angry.
Sarah Schnitker
It takes patience to be patient.
Dan Harris
The only way out is through.
Dan Harris
Patience is the highest austerity, or sometimes translated as it's the highest renunciation.
Sharon Salzberg
When you know better, you do better.
Sharon Salzberg
Welcome to the human race.
Sharon Salzberg
The mind will get filled with qualities like mindfulness and loving kindness moment by moment, the way a bucket will get filled with water drop by drop.
Sharon Salzberg
1 Protocols
The WAIT Acronym for Growing Patience
Dr. Sarah Schnitker- W: Why is patience important to you? Identify your purpose behind waiting or suffering.
- A: Awareness of your actual feelings. Learn to identify emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety.
- I: Identify ways to regulate emotions. This could include finding flow states or practicing cognitive reappraisal (reframing the situation).
- T: Transcend. Find something bigger beyond yourself, such as contributing to community or connecting with a higher power, to energize your patience.