Making and Breaking Habits, Sanely | Kelly McGonigal
Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist, discusses her meditation practices, including Tonglen and daily rituals, and her book "The Joy of Movement," which reframes exercise as a source of happiness and connection. She also shares strategies for forming healthy habits by focusing on intrinsic motivation and self-compassion.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Kelly McGonigal's Early Life and Introduction to Meditation
Impact of Tonglen and Benefactor Meditation Practices
Kelly's Daily Meditation Practices: Morning, Evening, and On-the-Moment
Motivation Behind Writing "The Joy of Movement"
The Runner's High: Neurochemistry of Connection and Cooperation
Hope Molecules (Myokines): Muscles as Endocrine Organs
Rethinking Exercise: Finding Joy and Intrinsic Motivation
Habit Formation: Motivation, Behavior, and Reward
Deepest Motivation for Habit Change and Self-Reflection
Practical Steps for Habit Change: Environment and Social Support
The Disutility of Shame and the Power of Self-Compassion
Applying Self-Compassion to Mindless Eating Example
Alternative Meditation Focuses Beyond the Breath
Skillfully Practicing Meditation with Depressive States
7 Key Concepts
Tonglen Practice
A meditation practice where one recognizes suffering in the world, imagines breathing it in, allows it to touch their heart, and through compassion, transforms it into something positive like hope or kindness to offer back to the world. It's described as a practice of courage, acknowledging the reality of suffering without protection.
Benefactor Meditation
A practice that involves identifying people one is grateful for, then extending this gratitude to neutral individuals, and eventually to those perceived as enemies or who have caused harm, with the aim of moving them onto a 'Benefactor list' through compassion.
Interdependence Practice
An evening meditation practice where one reviews the day, reflecting on interactions and contributions from others (e.g., a checkout person, family), and expresses gratitude. It strengthens a mindset of collective existence, increasing hope, gratitude, and willingness to ask for help.
Runner's High
A neurochemical experience linked to endorphins, endocannabinoids, and oxytocin, triggered by sustained physical exertion. It relieves pain and anxiety, fosters optimism, enhances social connection, and primes individuals for sharing, cooperation, and bonding, reflecting an evolutionary reward for physical labor and community survival.
Hope Molecules (Myokines)
Proteins and substances secreted by muscles when they contract during exercise, acting as an endocrine organ. These molecules travel through the bloodstream to the brain, enhancing resilience to stress, aiding trauma recovery, increasing positive motivation, and promoting neuroplasticity, effectively acting as a natural antidepressant.
Affect Labeling
A mindfulness technique where one labels emotions or physical sensations (e.g., 'feeling loaded,' 'feeling guilty') rather than judging the entire situation. This practice creates a slight distance from the feelings, changing how they are experienced in the brain and providing more space around them.
Common Humanity
A component of self-compassion where, in moments of suffering or self-criticism, one recognizes that their struggle is part of the universal human experience and not unique to them. This perspective helps to reduce feelings of isolation and over-identification with one's pain.
11 Questions Answered
Kelly's interest stemmed from experiencing daily headaches and pain from a young age, which made her aware of suffering and motivated her to understand its causes and relief. She was also introduced to meditation-like practices as a child through cassette tapes.
Tonglen and the Benefactor Meditation had the biggest impact on her during graduate school, helping her transform perceptions and cultivate courage and compassion. Her current daily practices include a morning intention, an evening interdependence review, and on-the-moment Tonglen.
She wrote it to share how movement brings her sheer joy and accesses positive states like bliss, hope, and connection, contrasting with her previous work on suffering. She also aimed to change the negative conversation around exercise, shifting focus from calorie burning and weight loss to its inherent joy and meaning.
The runner's high is a neurochemical cocktail (endorphins, endocannabinoids, oxytocin) that rewards physical exertion, a trait evolved from our hunter-gatherer past. It not only makes us feel good but also primes us to connect, share, and cooperate, strengthening social bonds essential for survival.
Muscles act as an endocrine organ, secreting 'hope molecules' (myokines) when contracted during exercise. These molecules travel to the brain, increasing resilience to stress, aiding trauma recovery, boosting positive motivation, and enhancing neuroplasticity, serving as a powerful prevention and treatment for depression.
Research suggests it can take about six weeks for the brain to literally change in a way that makes one want to exercise, especially if they haven't exercised regularly before.
New habits are formed through a cycle of motivation, practicing the behavior, and experiencing a reward. The reward reinforces the behavior, making it more automatic and often more enjoyable or effortless over time.
To find deep motivation, reflect on important life roles, relationships, personal goals, and desired future versions of oneself. Then, connect the desired habit to these fundamental values; if the connection is strong, it's a powerful motivation; if not, it might be the wrong habit to pursue.
Shame and self-criticism are disempowering, trapping individuals in negative feelings without resources for change. Self-compassion, conversely, is an act of courage that involves recognizing suffering, connecting with common humanity, and taking positive action consistent with one's goals and well-being, rather than self-indulgence.
It's common to struggle with breath focus due to trying too hard. Instead, shift the primary focus to ambient sounds (noting 'hearing, hearing') or overall body sensations (using a body scan). The practice remains the same: gently return attention to the chosen focus whenever the mind wanders.
Approach the experience with curiosity, investigating what the body feels like, the quality of the mind state (e.g., narrow, dull), and supporting thoughts, without taking it personally or reinforcing it. If curiosity isn't present, respect that and move to practices that bring ease, such as walking meditation, and seek professional support like therapy.
46 Actionable Insights
1. Reflect on Deep Motivation
Before committing to a new habit, engage in profound reflection to uncover your deepest motivations, linking the habit to your most important life roles, relationships, and personal goals, as this intrinsic drive provides lasting strength.
2. Choose the Right Habit
Critically evaluate whether your chosen habit or resolution genuinely enhances your daily life, aligns with your goals, and is worthy of your energy and attention, as selecting the right habit is crucial for long-term success.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Replace self-criticism and shame with self-compassion, recognizing that self-judgment is disempowering and ineffective for long-term change, while self-compassion provides the resources needed to grow.
4. Embrace Self-Compassion as Courage
Define self-compassion as the courage to believe in your capacity for change, to remind yourself of what truly matters even when you’ve fallen short, and to re-engage with your goals rather than giving up.
5. Avoid Shame-Based Motivation
Do not link new habits to motivations rooted in shame, stigma, or self-judgment about your appearance, as this not only undermines long-term success but also reinforces a habit of self-suffering.
6. Practice a New Way of Being
View habit formation as an opportunity to cultivate a new, more positive way of relating to yourself by choosing motivations that are meaningful and positive, thereby building habits that support your well-being.
7. Optimize Your Environment
Recognize that your environment constantly influences your behavior; proactively place physical reminders (e.g., a picture of your motivation, sneakers out) in your surroundings to support your goals and new habits.
8. Leverage Social Support
Seek out social support for habit change by either finding someone to pursue the goal with you or identifying individuals who believe in your goal and are willing to offer encouragement and accountability.
9. Integrate Practices Daily
Focus on integrating meditation and mindfulness practices into your daily rituals rather than solely relying on formal sit-down sessions, as this can have a greater impact on the quality of your life.
10. Set Morning Intention
Before getting out of bed, set an intention for the day by choosing what you want to bring to it (e.g., enthusiasm, full attention), focusing on how you want to be rather than just what you’ll do, to determine the quality of your day.
11. Practice Evening Interdependence
Before sleep, review your day and mentally thank everyone you interacted with, reflecting on why you’re grateful for their presence; this practice strengthens a mindset of interdependence, fostering hope and gratitude.
12. Exercise for Hope Molecules
Engage in physical exercise (like running or walking) to stimulate your muscles to secrete ‘hope molecules’ (myokines) into your bloodstream, which travel to your brain to enhance resilience to stress, aid trauma recovery, and boost positive motivation and neuroplasticity.
13. Access Joy Through Movement
Engage in movement, especially to music (like dance or kickboxing), to access states of bliss, hope, joy, and connection, as it can be a powerful source of positive emotions.
14. Rethink Exercise Motivation
Shift your mindset about exercise away from solely burning calories or losing weight, as these extrinsic motivations can diminish the potential joy and intrinsic benefits of movement.
15. Start Movement, Any Body
Begin incorporating movement into your life regardless of age, weight, physical status, chronic pain, or disability, as the psychological and social benefits of movement are accessible to everyone, even at end of life.
16. Practice Self-Compassion Steps
When suffering, first acknowledge the pain without fighting it, then apply the perspective of common humanity by recognizing others share similar struggles, and finally, take a positive action consistent with your goals to re-engage.
17. Question Your Chosen Habit
Reflect on whether the habit you’re trying to change is truly significant or if it’s something your inner critic has latched onto; sometimes, the real habit to cultivate is letting go of the need to control something that doesn’t deeply impact your well-being.
18. Investigate Depressive States
When experiencing a depressive state during meditation, check for curiosity about the state itself; if present, explore its physical sensations, mental qualities, and supporting thoughts or beliefs with awareness and openness, without taking it personally.
19. Use Walking Meditation for Ease
When experiencing depressive states without curiosity, engage in walking meditation by directing your attention to the external environment and the sensations of your body moving, which can bring ease to the mind and uplift the heart.
20. Seek Professional Support
When navigating depressive states, seek additional support from a therapist or counselor, as professional guidance can be highly beneficial.
21. Engage in Tonglen Meditation
Practice Tonglen by visualizing breathing in suffering from the world, allowing it to touch your heart, and transforming it into positive qualities like hope or kindness to offer back, fostering courage and acknowledging others’ realities.
22. Practice Benefactor Meditation
Engage in Benefactor Meditation by listing people you’re grateful for, then actively working to move neutral or ’enemy’ individuals onto that list through compassion, which can radically change your perception of life.
23. Practice On-the-Moment Tonglen
When you encounter someone struggling or feel personal worry, practice Tonglen on the spot by bringing to mind those dealing with amplified suffering and mentally breathing in their pain to transform it, even if a direct interaction isn’t appropriate.
24. Label Emotions Mindfully
When experiencing difficult emotions, practice affect labeling by clearly identifying and naming your feelings (e.g., ‘I am feeling loaded and guilty’) rather than judging the entire situation, which creates distance and changes your experience.
25. Act Consistently with Goals
In moments of self-judgment, the most genuinely self-kind action is to do something consistent with your goals or to make amends in the direction of what caused the self-judgment, rather than just bribing or soothing yourself.
26. Consider Alternative Solutions
When facing a problem, consider simpler, more direct solutions that address the discomfort without necessarily requiring a complex habit change, such as buying new clothes if your current ones are uncomfortable.
27. Choose a Yearly Theme Word
Instead of traditional resolutions, choose a word or theme for the entire year to guide your decisions and actions, helping you align choices with your overarching intentions.
28. Discover Joyful Movement Forms
Explore various forms of movement to find one that truly lights you up and enhances your life, rather than just doing what’s cardiovascularly difficult, as movement can help you reimagine what’s possible.
29. Combine Movement with Joys
Integrate movement into activities you already enjoy, such as being outdoors, listening to music, or spending time with loved ones, to make exercise more appealing and to experience both joys simultaneously.
30. Commit Six Weeks to Exercise
If you’re new to exercise, commit to a minimum of six weeks to allow your brain to adapt and develop a desire for movement, making the process more enjoyable during this initial period.
31. Maximize Habit Pleasure
Actively seek ways to make new habits more pleasurable, such as choosing delicious healthy foods or enjoying the process of grocery shopping and cooking, to leverage pleasure as a brain reward for reinforcement.
32. Celebrate Habit Successes
Actively celebrate and appreciate your accomplishments after engaging in a new habit, even by simply acknowledging ‘I did that, and I’m glad I did it,’ as this pause for joy reinforces the behavior and aligns with your values.
33. Reinforce Habits with Selfies
Take selfies after completing a new habit, like a workout or a healthy meal, to capture and celebrate the version of yourself that achieved something difficult or aligned with your goals, reinforcing the behavior.
34. Remind Yourself to Set Intentions
To establish a morning intention practice, set a reminder the night before or use your phone (e.g., a text message) to prompt you to think about your desired word or experience for the day upon waking.
35. Request Specific Social Support
Clearly communicate to your social support network how they can best help you, whether by avoiding sabotage, offering friendly reminders, holding you accountable positively, or celebrating your successes.
36. Respect Lack of Curiosity
If you lack curiosity or interest in exploring a depressive state during meditation, respect that feeling and do not try to force or push through it, acknowledging it as it is.
37. Cultivate Strength Through Meditation
Engage in meditation and yoga practices to build inner strength, allowing you to keep your heart open to the suffering of the world and engage with it without feeling overwhelmed.
38. Practice Yoga with Breath Focus
Incorporate yoga with a focus on breath into your meditation practice, as it can provide a similar benefit to seated breath-counting meditation.
39. Conquer Fear Through Movement
Use a physically challenging or uncomfortable exercise (like spin class) as a practice ground to confront and overcome fears by intentionally staying with the discomfort and not leaving the situation.
40. Use Music to Cope
Create and listen to empowering music playlists during challenging exercise or fearful situations (like turbulence on an airplane) to help you persist and stay present.
41. Focus on Sound in Meditation
If breath focus is difficult, shift your meditation to ambient sounds in your environment, simply allowing them to be known without trying to identify or hear anything specific, using ‘hearing, hearing’ as a noting practice if desired.
42. Focus on Body Sensations
As an alternative to breath focus, direct your awareness to overall body sensations during meditation, allowing your attention to rest on physical experiences, or use a body scan practice to systematically move attention through the body.
43. Gently Return Attention
In meditation, whenever you notice your mind has wandered into thought, gently guide your attention back to your chosen anchor (sounds or body sensations) without judgment.
44. Exercise for Social Connection
Engage in movement, especially with others, to harness the neurochemical benefits (like endocannabinoids and oxytocin) that prime you for social connection, sharing, and cooperation, strengthening bonds and providing social support.
45. Exercise to Maintain Joy
Prioritize exercise as you age, as it can prevent and even reverse the natural decline in the brain’s capacity for everyday joy, helping you maintain receptiveness to positive experiences.
46. Seek Inspiring Movement
To find an enjoyable exercise habit, reflect on what forms of movement inspire you, what sports or activities you enjoy watching, or what types of movement you loved as a child, rather than focusing on weight loss.
6 Key Quotes
The focus of your attention determines the quality of your life.
Sherry Huber (quoted by Kelly McGonigal)
If you try to link exercise to feeling bad about yourself and the way that your body looks and internalizing societal stigma and shame, you're not just building the exercise habit. You're building that habit. You're building the shame habit.
Kelly McGonigal
You're basically giving yourself an intravenous dose of hope every time you exercise.
Kelly McGonigal
So many of us think that shame and self-criticism are motivating. And in part, that's because when we're feeling ashamed or we're feeling self-critical, it feels so bad that we are really motivated in that moment to get rid of that feeling.
Kelly McGonigal
If the person who's going to be put in charge of the habit change is the inner critic, you've probably got the wrong habit.
Kelly McGonigal
When we practice, we aren't sitting down to check a box or log time, and we aren't trying to get somewhere else, not even to a different mind state. We are interested in meeting our experience just as it is, arising in the moment, and we want to do that as skillfully as we are able.
Ray Hausman
6 Protocols
Kelly McGonigal's Morning Intention Practice
Kelly McGonigal- Before getting out of bed, bring awareness to your intention for the day.
- Think about what you will be doing and what you want to bring to that day (e.g., enthusiasm, full attention, benefit of the doubt).
- Focus on moments with potential for meaning, joy, stress, worry, or conflict.
- Set up who you want to be that day, not just what you wish will happen.
Kelly McGonigal's Evening Interdependence Practice
Kelly McGonigal- While in bed, review the day's activities and experiences.
- Recall everyone you came into contact with, from a checkout person to family members.
- Imagine thanking them and reflecting on why you are grateful for their presence or contribution to your day.
- Root this loving-kindness practice in memory and how you choose to remember the day.
Kelly McGonigal's On-the-Moment Tonglen Practice
Kelly McGonigal- If with someone struggling, but a hug or conversation is inappropriate, do Tonglen for them silently.
- If feeling worried about a minor issue, bring to mind people in the world dealing with that issue amplified.
- Do Tonglen for those individuals, imagining breathing in their suffering and transforming it into positive offerings.
Alternative Meditation Practice: Focusing on Sound
Ray Hausman- Direct attention to ambient sounds in your environment.
- Do not try to hear anything specific or identify what you are hearing; simply allow sounds to be known.
- If using noting practice, use the note 'hearing, hearing'.
- When the mind gets caught in thought, gently bring attention back to sounds.
Alternative Meditation Practice: Focusing on Body Sensations
Ray Hausman- Allow awareness to rest on the experience of body sensations while sitting.
- Use a body scan practice, moving attention through the body from head to toe or toe to head, feeling sensations.
- When the mind gets caught in thought, gently bring attention back to body sensations.
Meditating Skillfully with Depressive States
Ray Hausman- Check for curiosity in the mind about the depressive state itself.
- If curious, explore inquiries: What does the body feel like? What are the sensations? What is the mind state like (narrow, dull)? What thoughts support it?
- Explore with awareness and openness, without taking it personally or reinforcing it.
- If no curiosity arises, respect that and move to practices that bring ease, such as walking meditation, focusing on the external environment and body movement.
- Seek additional support from a therapist or counselor if needed.