Meditation, Therapy, and "Murderous Rage", Dr. Susan Pollak

1. Practice the Self-Compassion Break

When facing a difficult situation, take a self-compassion break by: 1) Acknowledging ’this is a tough moment,’ 2) Recognizing ’this is the human condition’ (common humanity), and 3) Offering yourself kindness (e.g., ‘May I be kind to myself?’ or ‘What do I need right now?’).

2. Tame Your Inner Critic

Actively tell your inner critic to ‘chill out’ or ’take a break’ to reduce self-blame and harsh internal dialogue.

3. Invite Difficult Emotions to Tea

Instead of fighting or yelling at difficult inner experiences, approach them with kindness and curiosity, as if inviting them to tea.

4. Practice ‘Murderous Rage’ Surfing

When experiencing intense anger, sit comfortably, ground yourself with breath, locate the sensation in your body, acknowledge ’this is what it feels like,’ and then ‘surf’ the urge by letting it rise and fall, knowing no feeling lasts more than 30 seconds.

5. Acknowledge Inner Protector Parts

Identify and name your inner ‘protector parts’ (e.g., inner critic), acknowledge their past attempts to help, and then gently tell them they can stand down or take a break, as their methods may no longer be useful.

6. Use Self-Compassion for Shame

Apply self-compassion practices to work effectively with shame by acknowledging the shamed parts of yourself and listening to the stories they have to tell, understanding shame’s deep social roots.

7. Always Resume Meditation Practice

If you’ve missed your meditation practice or had a difficult day, remember that you can always start again and return to the practice.

8. View Meditation as Rest

Approach meditation as a refuge where you can relax and rest, rather than feeling the need to ‘work hard’ at it.

9. Meditate to Metabolize Anxiety

Engage in meditation, even for a significant duration like 40 minutes, to help process and metabolize anxiety, leading to a calmer state.

10. Accept Reality, Adapt to What Is

Practice accepting situations as they are, rather than how you wish them to be, by ‘playing the ball where the monkey drops it’ and adapting to present circumstances.

11. Develop Short Mindfulness Practices

Create or find short (3-5 minute) mindfulness practices that you can use to get back on track during difficult moments, such as after a fight or when feeling sleep-deprived.

12. Be 10% Kinder to Self

Reframe self-compassion as simply being 10% kinder to yourself, avoiding self-criticism and harsh self-judgment.

13. Distance from Inner Critic

Create mental distance from your inner critic by observing its thoughts without fully identifying with them, recognizing that they are not the whole truth of who you are.

14. Personalize Self-Compassion Phrases

Adapt self-compassion phrases to resonate with you personally, asking ‘What do I need right now?’ or ‘What would help right now?’ instead of using generic or ‘ooey-gooey’ language.

15. Use Simple Acceptance Phrases

When struggling, use simple, direct phrases like ‘It’s okay,’ ‘This is it,’ or ‘This sucks, but I can handle it’ to acknowledge the moment without judgment.

16. Offer Inner Support to Yourself

Internally offer words of support to yourself, such as ‘I’m listening,’ ‘I’m here for you,’ or ‘I have your back,’ to acknowledge and comfort inner parts that feel anxious or worried.

17. Question Inner Parts’ Age

When an inner ‘protector part’ takes over, ask it, ‘How old do you think I am?’ to recognize if its protective strategies are outdated and no longer serve your current adult self.

18. Use ‘That Was Then, This Is Now’

When caught in past experiences of shame or anger, use the mantra ‘That was then, this is now’ to break the cycle of rumination and bring yourself back to the present moment.

19. Prioritize Self-Care After Stress

After stressful events like a child’s tantrum, prioritize self-care activities (e.g., taking a walk, having a drink) to recover and manage your own distress.

20. Include Self in Circle of Care

Extend the same care and consideration you give to others (family, coworkers) to yourself, acknowledging that your own needs are valid and count.

21. Practice Stealth Mindfulness Daily

Integrate small, on-the-go moments of mindfulness into daily activities like washing dishes, changing diapers, or walking, as these ‘stealth practices’ can have a significant impact.

22. Utilize the RAIN Practice

When facing difficult emotions, use the RAIN practice: Recognize what is happening, Acknowledge it, Investigate the sensations, and then Non-identify with it or Nourish yourself with kindness.

23. Find Stillness in Stormy Times

Use the ‘still place in a stormy sea’ visualization to combat burnout: imagine dropping below life’s stressful ‘waves’ to a calm, quiet place where you can rest and feel rejuvenated.

24. Allow Kids to Face Obstacles

Resist ‘snowplow parenting’ by allowing children to encounter and navigate their own obstacles, as these struggles are crucial for developing resilience and learning.

25. Model Mindfulness for Children

Instead of lecturing or evangelizing about mindfulness, model the practice yourself, allowing children to observe and normalize it in their own lives.

26. Introduce Mindfulness Playfully to Kids

When introducing mindfulness to children, make it fun and engaging rather than expecting them to sit quietly with eyes closed, as this approach is more effective for kids.

27. Use Silly Walks for Kids’ Body Awareness

Encourage children to do ‘silly walks’ (e.g., backwards, on all fours) and then guide them to notice the sensations in their bodies, using this playful activity to build body awareness and mindfulness.

28. Clouds as Thoughts Metaphor for Kids

Sit with children outdoors, observe clouds moving across the sky, and gently explain that these changing clouds are like thoughts and emotions in our minds, constantly in flux.

29. Practice Sound Awareness with Kids

Engage children in mindfulness by having them listen to sounds, counting or naming them, to encourage focused attention on their environment.

30. Outsource Kids’ Mindfulness Instruction

Consider having someone other than a parent teach mindfulness to children, as kids are often wired to reject suggestions from their parents, making an external teacher potentially more effective.

31. Teach & Use Soothing Touch

Teach children (e.g., using a stuffed animal) to identify where they need soothing touch when upset, and apply it to yourself or others during distress, such as placing a hand on the chest.

32. Understand Adult Children’s Brains

Recognize that adult children, especially into their mid-to-late 20s, still have developing brains, which can explain why they may make questionable decisions.

33. Cultivate Equanimity for Adult Children

Boost your own equanimity through meditation to increase your capacity to remain calm and accepting when adult children make difficult or frustrating decisions.

34. Use Equanimity Phrases for Adult Children

When dealing with adult children’s decisions, use equanimity phrases such as ‘All beings are on their own journey,’ ‘I care for you, but I can’t control your happiness,’ or ‘May I accept this just as it is.’

35. Seek Addiction Support Programs

If your adult child is struggling with addiction, seek out excellent programs designed to help individuals and families work through these challenges.

36. Tailor Practices to Individual Needs

When engaging with mindfulness or therapy, identify specific practices (e.g., equanimity, loving kindness, concentration) that best fit your current struggles or emotional state.

37. Use Dark Mode for Screens

Enable dark mode on your meditation app and phone to reduce screen brightness, making evening or early morning meditation more soothing for your eyes.